Read this sex scene from Giles Coren’s failed novel!!!

[KentishTowner]

In his latest column in The Times Vile Coren is asserting that there are no successful white male authors any more. Yeah, sure, keep telling yourself that’s why your novel failed so spectacularly and you won The Bad Sex Award, Giles. Then read the actual, totally bizarre sex scene (the bit about the shower head!):

twitter.com/kirstysedgman/status/1454503687460638726?s=21

@TaraR2020

Don't criticise his writing. Seriously - amp.theguardian.com/media/2008/jul/23/mediamonkey

That was interesting reading. He comes across as a pompous, self entitled total jerk. Whilst his sister is fab. But that 2) comment was gross. To think he’s slyly encoding sexual ‘jokes’ in his restaurant reviews seems to be puerile adolescent wankery of the highest order.

Oh my God that thread gave me such a great laugh this morning. The demo video is just too good. Thanks for sharing.

True but at least he is just a mediocre twat writing a column about (mostly) himself, as opposed to being in power!

Christ, could you imagine if the over privileged, odious little prick had gone into politics instead?

The way he described his daughter is absolutely vile and has made me feel seriously sick and uncomfortable. His writing is awful, and it's hard to believe he even has a child when he clearly has a very strange veiw of how a penis works (I'm pretty sure it should not be jumping around and rattling like a possessed water hose).

Haven’t read the sex scene because I cannot stand the man. He ruined the programme about travelling to the worlds top hotels with the lovely chef Monica Galetti . She was lovely with the staff she was working with respectful and hard working , she’s a chef so she knows about hard work.
He was supposed to be working, but you get the idea he doesn’t really know what real work is, and was condescending to the staff, annoying and arrogant in equal measures.

I’ve no idea how he gets these jobs.

Wow a ten year old has better grammar than that. I don’t think there were any full stops. I also think he shows perfectly how (many) men view sex. He’s a complete tool.

Who writes like that about their daughter? Even if you allow for it to be 'just his style of writing and humour', he has still written about his 3 year old in a sexual way and put it out there for any paedophile to read at leisure. Disturbing behaviour.

Wow, the arrogance of him. I will admit to liking his sunday times columns. He writes with good timing! He's funny.

BUT, like rugby commentator George Hook, (I'll get back to him) he cannot fathom that a woman can do something that he couldn't do.

Rugby commentator George Hook looked around him and decided it was ridiculous that all these young lasses were making real money (more than he was making commentating on rugby matches) writing novels, so he submitted a shit novel with a fake name.

Apparently it was a tough read, set during the 2nd world war. But that wasn't the worst part of it it was an incoherent read with characters nobody could grow to care about. No plot, dialogue was confusing (as in, who said that).

Why are men so obsessed with WW2. It was rejected and he was apoplectic with rage that cecelia aherne could get a novel published and he couldn't. well, she may not be Anne Enright but she is a woman not just writing as one, and knows what her readers want.

He doesn't grasp that Cecelia Ahern's books still had a plot 'arc' and characters that coherent dialogue. They may not be for everybody but she followed the formulas.

He's raging about the sexism that robbed him of a huge book deal, having been a sexist his whole life.

This is a very, very old story. GC publicly acknowledged a long time ago that his book was shit and he could not write novels.

30 seconds i'lll never get back
Some funny comments afterwards

I am crap at remembering authors names but here's three off the top of my head in the successful white british male category, Matt Haig, Richard Osman and David Mitchell, there must be hundreds if not thousands more.

@ErrolTheDragon

He does do self-mockery quite well though, tbf. I think that's what he's doing here.

Yes, of course he is. The sex scene was dreadful, but his column was poking fun at himself, as it often is.

The Coren offence that pushed me over the edge was when he was caught sending antisemitic abuse to his wife on twitter.

He set up a fake account to sent the rants, then used another account to defend her. To drum up publicity, sympathy, support, guess.

My eyes my eyes

Why did I have to read that??

Is it really hard to get published when cack like that is?

Ian McEwan, Michael Ondaatje, Kazuo Ishiguro, Julian Barnes, Ian Rankin ...

@MilkywayMonarch22

Ridiculous writing, but the article about his holiday with 3 year old being the most romantic sexiest holiday. 🤢

It's more than ridiculous; positively perverted. If a 12 year old had written these they would have the police and child protection team knocking at the door. Some thoughts are are better left unspoken!

The comments on the twitter post are a thing of joy!

As they say in the acting profession: the worst thing apart from being talked about is NOT being talked about.

It was a proud moment for me when I learnt that dear little Sean Thomas , who I used to babysit as a child, actually won the bad sex award in fiction for one of his books. I think he has moved on to better things now.

3rd best Coren LOL!

@CouldIhaveaword

The Coren offence that pushed me over the edge was when he was caught sending antisemitic abuse to his wife on twitter.

He set up a fake account to sent the rants, then used another account to defend her. To drum up publicity, sympathy, support, guess.

???? I'd not heard of that one.

I used to love listening to his Dad, Alan Coren, on The News Quiz on Radio 4. He was very, very funny and extremely well-informed. He was also a self-made man, having come from relatively humble origins in the East End of London by dint of his own efforts. Grammar school boy, but he'd have had to be clever and hard-working to get into the grammar school from his local primary school, and to keep his place. Scholarship to Oxford, First in English, studied to Ph.D. level at Yale and Berkeley (thank you, Wikipedia!). Editor of Punch magazine.

It can't be easy being the child of a very clever and successful person. There's a lot to live up to. Giles Coren possibly knows deep down that he can't possibly live up to his father, so has made a conscious decision just to coast on the family name and such limited talent as he has. He's really not likeable.

Oh my god that is awful!!! So bad it’s almost funny. Oh god.

Possessed shower snake…/ sniggers

It can't be easy being the child of a very clever and successful person. There's a lot to live up to. Giles Coren possibly knows deep down that he can't possibly live up to his father,

He knows it - I don't read many of his columns but I did read one on this subject. And recently mentioned himself as something like the thickie of the family in relation to his sister.

I assumed this was satirical at first - it's absolutely hilarious

Obviously if it was seriously meant as an engaging and titillating scene then it failed abysmally, but still very funny

Thanks OP. I didn’t know much about him until this morning and have fallen down an internet hole reading up. I’ve gone from laughter to horror and back again several times.