To quit my Masters? Feel like such a failure

[neverbeenskiing]

I started a part time, distance-taught Masters degree in September. I was so excited about it but am now regretting the decision and considering withdrawing. Honestly, the only thing stopping me is the embarrassment of having to tell family and colleagues. I feel like a failure.

I work FT in a busy job with a lot of deadlines. In preparation for doing the course I decided to compress my hours over 4 days, so I now work 10 hour days Monday- Thursday and have Friday off for uni work. I have two DC age 8 and 3. The 3 year old is supposed to be in Nursery on Friday so I can study but since September has only been there once on a Friday due to constant colds and bugs, including a horrible sickness bug that lasted 10 days and resulted in a night in hospital. The GP says it's not unusual, that the first year at nursery is often like this as their immune system builds, so there's nothing we can do.

I am behind with uni work, behind with work for my actual job, the house is constantly a mess and I am exhausted. I feel like I could sleep for 100 years but when I go to bed I'm too anxious to sleep and can't turn my brain off.

DH is supportive and but also works FT in a demanding job. His employer announced a change a couple of weeks ago that means he is likely to be travelling more during the week so that won't help.

Yesterday DH took the kids out for the day so I could get some uni work done. I have an assignment to write that has been stressing me out for weeks but instead of getting on with it I ended up staring at the computer screen for an hour in a state of panic, then burst into tears and couldn't stop crying. I am normally a very capable, just get on with things kind of person but I felt completely paralysed. I had PND after I had my youngest (I was lucky to receive excellent treatment and recovered after a few months) and I am frightened of becoming unwell again. I have decided to go back to counselling but even finding time for this is proving difficult, I've had to cancel two appointments already due to work and DC illness.

WIBU to drop out of the Masters course? DH says he's worried I'll regret it if I do and he is probably right but at the moment it feels like a massive cloud hanging over me. The ideal scenario would be if I could defer for a year but from looking at the university website this doesn't seem to be an option once you've started.

Why would it be better in a year though?

It sounds like you’ve got enough on your plate tbh. Friends and family won’t want to see you overstretched, you could just say you’re postponing it to an unspecified date.

Would anything actually be different in a year's time?

I would suggest that you try to get the first assignment done and see how you feel after that. It definitely takes a while to get back into the swing of academic writing etc after a break.

Do you need this Masters or is it purely for fun?

Why would it be better in a year though?

I don't know. I suppose I just thought the kids would be another year older, life might feel less hectic. Maybe not though, i'm probably clutching at straws.

Do you have to finish it in one year?

Do you need this Masters or is it purely for fun?

I don't need it. It's relevant to my work and it's something I wanted to do. That's why I feel like a fool because I chose to put myself in this position.

I would try and defer.
You understand the commitment now, and you may also be able to get some supportive reading done.
It's a big step up
Very very hard with kids and a job.
Please don't feel bad about yourself!

Do you have to finish it in one year?

It's a three year course as it's part time.

Honestly OP I'd be writing to your course convenor to ask what your options are. It's really not worth the stress! I was able to defer one module without penalty (so no additional fees) but that was because my dc was unwell and I had medical evidence. I think due to your dc's health not allowing him to go to nursery that you could get something similar.

You need to cut your hours not compress them, 4 10 hour days and expecting to have any mental energy left by Friday was never going to work. Cleaner, shopping delivered all the usual other things. Do talk to the uni though, I'm surprised you can't defer, the 3 year old will be easier by then. You're trying to do way too much it's totally normal to feel the way you do cut yourself some slack

Should have said, by deferring the module I got about 4 months off, which allowed me to destress and clear my mind. I went back in with a much better mindset, it really was worth the hassle for the deferral process.

If defer in your shoes. Talk to the uni and ask advice - they will have seen this before. Take care and try to sleep.

You have a lot on your plate and should be kind to yourself!

Is there any way you can use DH / family / friends for more support so you can get time to study? Eg, dropping the kid off with GPs one day of the weekend? Or your DH taking them? Or your DH doing the whole dinner + bedtime so you can work in the evening?

I’m sorry you’re finding things ao hard But you have three pretty much full on jobs, and as you say you’ve not been able to dedicate any time to the masters. Whatever you decide you should not think of yourself as a failure.

It really sounds as if you have a lot on your plate. Be kind to yourself. You are not a fool if you adopt a flexible approach to a developing situation. There is no point being superwoman from the outside if you are collapsing internally.

YABU not to have put your thread on the new-ish ‘Mature Study and Retraining’ board - where plenty of other people are asking the same question!

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/mature_students

(MNHQ will move the thread for you if you ask via the Report button.)

Jeez OP anyone would be overwhelmed and deeply shaken. You’ve created a schedule for yourself with not one minute in the week to spare and of course it’s going to feel like it’s derailing with all the illness you’ve had to contend with and your Fridays taken away by that.

Doing a FT job over four days is intense - plus childcare with two DC - and a masters?! 🤯

I admire you for your drive and ambition and acknowledge that it must all seem too hard to manage right now. It’s doable but at a cost. Deferring would be fine and there’s no shame involved - no one else is living your life.

Could you get signed off sick from work for a week or two and blitz your assignment?

Talk to uni and find out what your options are before you make any decisions.

Sounds like hell trying to juggle it all to be honest. I’d quit. Crying at your computer is a sign something has to give!

OP.
I did a 2 year part-time Masters whilst working a full-on full-time job and it was tough, I didnt have young DC then either. I had several of the episodes you describe - I eventially had to defer a year and have some time unpaid from work so as to complete the course.
You sound very self-aware: something has got to give.Obviously this can't be your mental/physical health, DH or DC - if you can't reduce your paid working hours, farm out lots of other responsibilities and/or significantly reduce your standards in relation to the house etc then I'd say the course has to go. If that is the case please don't feel ashamed - there are only 24 hours in a day, you need some downtime too or you will have breakdown from stress and exhaustion. A Masters can be a huge undertaking on its own full-time and without other caring and financial responsibilities too.

You need to cut your hours not compress them, 4 10 hour days and expecting to have any mental energy left by Friday was never going to work.

Cutting my hours isn't an option. I am the only person in my organisation that does my role so there is no-one to pick up the lost work. You're probably right though and now I feel foolish for thinking I could do this. I know other people who have managed to do a Master's and even PHD whilst working full time but I suppose everyone's circumstances are different.

OP I'm doing a degree that's only one year long whilst working full time, some of us are doing the level 7 masters some of us have chosen to do the Bsc.
It's so. Fucking. Stressful.

The only thing getting me through is repeating the mantra "it's only a year. It's only a year..."

Already one person has dropped out.

I can't imagine having to do it over 3 years, although I guess the assignment expectations would be less.

Is it possible for you to reduce a day at work?

I don’t think you can defer once you have started, no, it would be suspending your studies for a period on health grounds, I think, or withdrawing. But your university would be able to advise you.

The first year of nursery is tough with coughs and colds and illnesses, but then (in my experience), it gets better.

Are you able to reduce your hours (probably not as otherwise you would have done that), or take parental leave?

I don’t think you are a fool, by the way, I have wanted to do an MSc in a field I am interested in for years, but cannot afford it (yet) and it required a couple of intensive weekends away (I am a single parent), so I am just hoping it is still going when DC are older.

I honestly would not feel stupid if you do decide to withdraw; it is easy enough to say that it turned out to be too much and you are going to wait until the DC are a bit older. Be gentle on yourself! That said, I would speak to the uni first.

Wait til.youngest is 7. I'm doing pt masters with work and it's much simpler when they are older

I did a p/t masters as single parent but these are the differences:

• kids were older (7&10 or thereabouts).
• i chose a 3 days a week job so I could do lectures and attend uni for 2 days
• kids went to dad's EOW.

In your position I would cut my hours down at work to 3 days or drop out and realise its not the right time - and pick it up in a few years. Easier said than done I know because of embarrassment but your friends and fam will understand.

During diasertatiin ohase eing at a desk allllllll the time (& weekends) was tiring as i had a desk based job too.

I was very passionate about my degree and sounds like you are too so I hope you find a way to make it work.

You’ve taken on a lot, what is the motivation for the masters? Is your dh completely unable to share time off with sick children? How are you funding the degree?

I’m currently doing a pt MSc, I work 3 days a week and have a 11&14 year old and I’m just about coping, I have good weeks and bad ones. Uni recommends 15 hours a week study and I’m finding it’s difficult to find even with time off work. Others on the course are like you with ft work and/or small children but I’ve no idea how they manage it!

I personally struggled with ft work and small children without extra pressure if academic study.

Quote "I feel like I could sleep for 100 years but when I go to bed I'm too anxious to sleep and can't turn my brain off."

You need to make changes before you become ill and unable to function in your day job and as a mum and partner. They are the important things the Masters is an extra.

Quote "the only thing stopping me is the embarrassment of having to tell family and colleagues. I feel like a failure"

You really need to make decisions based on your own needs and wants and your immediate families needs and wants. What colleagues/wider family or friends think is neither here nor there to be honest. We a know the quote "those who matter don't mind and those that mind don't matter" - it's very true. Other people really don't care as much as you think (yesterdays chip paper). How bothered are you if someone in your wider family or a colleague does a Masters? Not at all? Would you prefer that they were happy/healthy/ functioning at work and as parents and able to sleep at night? There you go then.

There will be other opportunities to progress and develop in the future when the timing is better.