To quit my Masters? Feel like such a failure

[neverbeenskiing]

I started a part time, distance-taught Masters degree in September. I was so excited about it but am now regretting the decision and considering withdrawing. Honestly, the only thing stopping me is the embarrassment of having to tell family and colleagues. I feel like a failure.

I work FT in a busy job with a lot of deadlines. In preparation for doing the course I decided to compress my hours over 4 days, so I now work 10 hour days Monday- Thursday and have Friday off for uni work. I have two DC age 8 and 3. The 3 year old is supposed to be in Nursery on Friday so I can study but since September has only been there once on a Friday due to constant colds and bugs, including a horrible sickness bug that lasted 10 days and resulted in a night in hospital. The GP says it's not unusual, that the first year at nursery is often like this as their immune system builds, so there's nothing we can do.

I am behind with uni work, behind with work for my actual job, the house is constantly a mess and I am exhausted. I feel like I could sleep for 100 years but when I go to bed I'm too anxious to sleep and can't turn my brain off.

DH is supportive and but also works FT in a demanding job. His employer announced a change a couple of weeks ago that means he is likely to be travelling more during the week so that won't help.

Yesterday DH took the kids out for the day so I could get some uni work done. I have an assignment to write that has been stressing me out for weeks but instead of getting on with it I ended up staring at the computer screen for an hour in a state of panic, then burst into tears and couldn't stop crying. I am normally a very capable, just get on with things kind of person but I felt completely paralysed. I had PND after I had my youngest (I was lucky to receive excellent treatment and recovered after a few months) and I am frightened of becoming unwell again. I have decided to go back to counselling but even finding time for this is proving difficult, I've had to cancel two appointments already due to work and DC illness.

WIBU to drop out of the Masters course? DH says he's worried I'll regret it if I do and he is probably right but at the moment it feels like a massive cloud hanging over me. The ideal scenario would be if I could defer for a year but from looking at the university website this doesn't seem to be an option once you've started.

@neverbeenskiing

There's no point working hard if you have no time to enjoy the fruits of that work. Tomorrow is not a given, start enjoying your today.

This made me cry as it brought home that, if I'm being completely honest, I'm really not enjoying life at all at the moment. If I do anything 'fun' with the DC I'm looking at my watch, fretting about all the other things I should be doing. I'm too tired to go out and see friends. Everything feels like a thankless, relentless slog and I'm not sure if that's the depression coming back or just that I've spread myself too thin.

I would say it is a combination of both. Spreading yourself too thin will lead to the depression coming back; but equally if you start judging yourself for not being able to do a heroic amount of work, then that won’t help either. Everything just becomes a mountain to climb, and then when you get to what you think is the top, you find there is a ridge and then more…

Hats off to you, you know what you want to do and you have given it a go. Unfortunately having children means that things go (much) slower, but it does not mean that you will never manage. I hope your tutor can point you in the right direction to find out your options.

Op if your not home working then Id consider changing back to 5 days a week, going in early and doing 2 hours every morning

When I was aged 8 (and my sister 3)my mum started an Access course, then went to do a degree, Masters and then a PGCE. This was all on top of part time work and childcare.

Understandably she became grumpy, sleep deprived and we never saw her much for the rest of our childhood. It sometimes felt like she resented us for stopping her pursuing her dreams. Her studying affected us all in a very negative way. She finished the PGCE when I was about 15 and by that time I had my own life. We never had a good relationship because I felt she put her studies and desire for upward mobility above our wellbeing.

If you already have a career and prospects, why not enjoy your children? And your own wellbeing.

@jclm

When I was aged 8 (and my sister 3)my mum started an Access course, then went to do a degree, Masters and then a PGCE. This was all on top of part time work and childcare.

Understandably she became grumpy, sleep deprived and we never saw her much for the rest of our childhood. It sometimes felt like she resented us for stopping her pursuing her dreams. Her studying affected us all in a very negative way. She finished the PGCE when I was about 15 and by that time I had my own life. We never had a good relationship because I felt she put her studies and desire for upward mobility above our wellbeing.

If you already have a career and prospects, why not enjoy your children? And your own wellbeing.

This is my worry with my studies and the added guilt of not having to work too. It does feel like I Am doing this for me which does make me feel guilty. I was trying to make sure it had no effect on them but have had to accept that this isn't possible. But it will be minimal and short term.

Your situation sounds a real shame.

I think if you could defer a year (or just take the 25% hit and start again) and then look at restarting.

DC will be a year older so easier.

Home: you need to outsource everything have a cleaner twice a week and someone to do the laundry. Gardner Etc. Get meals bought in/private chef to batch cook etc.

Would an au pair be an option? Help cover sick days plus school holidays/before & after school and light housework?

Work: you can't carry on full time. Perhaps a 9 day fortnight condensed over 8 days. Perhaps it's time to discuss with your manager that there needs to be cover for your role or at least a chunk of it.

You need to see how your DH travel pans out, what can be done to mitigate that?

@jclm

When I was aged 8 (and my sister 3)my mum started an Access course, then went to do a degree, Masters and then a PGCE. This was all on top of part time work and childcare.

Understandably she became grumpy, sleep deprived and we never saw her much for the rest of our childhood. It sometimes felt like she resented us for stopping her pursuing her dreams. Her studying affected us all in a very negative way. She finished the PGCE when I was about 15 and by that time I had my own life. We never had a good relationship because I felt she put her studies and desire for upward mobility above our wellbeing.

If you already have a career and prospects, why not enjoy your children? And your own wellbeing.

It's perfectly possible to peruse education and be a good parent without being absent from your children's lives.

By your own words, no women should be in education whilst their children are children?

Absolutely ridiculous.

Perhaps your mum is just a bit of a crap mother.

Its just too much IMHO. Can you go part-time in your job.

YANBU. I did a masters like this years ago when I was single and it nearly killed me. I think if it is going to work you will have to hand over the vast majority of parenting to your kids' dad and just not feel bad about being almost absent from their lives for a year (the only people I've known manage this are men).

It’s really hard, I know how you feel.
I was working FT with 4 DC when I went back to uni to get an MBA.
It was also PT. I had classes two nights a week from 5-10pm.
Then on weekends, I would work on uni stuff from 6am to 10am every Saturday and Sunday morning. DH got up with the DC and did morning routine. But then I’d be free at reasonable time for family activities.
I’d use annual leave from work day before an exam and study. DC went to childcare or school as usual.

I think you need to schedule when exactly you will do uni work instead of trying to do it ad hoc.

Home: you need to outsource everything have a cleaner twice a week and someone to do the laundry. Gardner Etc. Get meals bought in/private chef to batch cook etc.
Would an au pair be an option? Help cover sick days plus school holidays/before & after school and light housework?

We are comfortable financially but not well off enough to be able to afford a cleaner twice a week, a gardener, someone to do laundry, a private chef and an au pair on top of what we already pay in nursery and breakfast/after-school club fees! I will look into getting a cleaner though.

Work: you can't carry on full time. Perhaps a 9 day fortnight condensed over 8 days. Perhaps it's time to discuss with your manager that there needs to be cover for your role or at least a chunk of it.

I have to work FT unless I change jobs, there is no way my role can be done part time. It's difficult to explain without completely outing myself but the nature of the role means it wouldn't lend itself well to a job share. As for cover, again it's not easy to explain but my role isn't something that can be covered by a colleague for the odd day or a week here and there due to a child being unwell. If I was going to be absent long term, for example if I went on maternity leave for a year, then it would be covered but we would have to recruit someone externally and there would have to be a detailed handover. I will talk to my Line Manager though about whether there are any other ways to address my current workload. They are generally very supportive.

You need to see how your DH travel pans out, what can be done to mitigate that?

Not a lot. Unless he changes jobs, which would be a massive decision and a big risk for us financially. He is by far the higher earner so we couldn't afford for him to walk away from him job, even if he wanted to, unless he had something else lined up. The increase in travel is very unlikely to be permanent but will probably be for a couple of years.

Sounds like you can't afford to pay for the support you need until your childcare costs reduce tbh.

Could you look for a different job elsewhere with fewer hours?

Hi OP, I'm sorry this is such a difficult situation and it sounds like you're doing the right thing by asking if now is the right time.

I run a PGT programme that attracts a number of PT students returning to academia, and I have to say your schedule sounds absolutely exhausting. While your course may claim you need 10-12 hours a week, when you're coming back to study after a while away you really need more time than that, to get back into the groove.

I'd ask to interrupt for a year (this may be called deferring at your institution but often deferring only covers before you start the course) and give yourself time and space to reconfigure your routines, youngest to get a bit older, and truthfully for all our pandemic/postpandemic lives to calm down. The course will be there next year. In the meantime, see if you can work with your employer to get maybe 5 more hours a week off during term time, if your degree would be an asset to your workplace as well as to you.

Please don't beat yourself up about this. That's an impossible load and there's no way with all the stress right now you can get yourself in the headspace to enjoy and make the most of your course. I have students interrupt and defer all the time and they always do better for it. Your tutors want you to succeed and be happy and do your best work, so I'm sure they'll be sympathetic.

Could you look for a different job elsewhere with fewer hours?

I could but I'm not sure this would be the right thing to do. Although my job is busy I really love it, my bosses are supportive, it's an organisation I always wanted to work for and I have good friends there. I wouldn't realistically get a similar role at my grade PT, I'd have to take a significant pay cut and a role at a lower grade. I suppose you could argue that that would mean less stress (less responsibility) but it would also mean less autonomy.

While your course may claim you need 10-12 hours a week, when you're coming back to study after a while away you really need more time than that, to get back into the groove.

This is interesting. A lot of people on the course WhatsApp group are saying they have found they are having to spend longer than the 10-12 hours they planned in order to get the essential reading done. Most of them are returning to study several years after their first degrees. Everyone seems to be finding it very stressful, including those with no DC. I think many of us underestimated how hard it would be.

I definitely underestimated how much work it would be. I spend far longer than the 15 hours recommended too. I have high expectations of myself I don't just want to pass like others, I want good marks. But I need to work in that

Are there professional exams you could do instead of an MA?

You should have decades ahead of you, there is no harm waiting until a different life stage and consider doing it then.

I did my MA full time 1 day a week over 12 months, worked 37 hours over the other 4 days and had 3 kids. But. I loved the MA and found it enjoyable to do the work. I used to take the kids to a trampoline park or whatever with my laptop and do work that way.

Do you feel like your heart is in it or not? I hope your tutor is helpful, they might have some good ideas to help you catch up?

Thinking about this.... One of my friends did a part time MBA while working full time. His children were both in school and his wife worked part time. So really, don't beat yourself up if you don't have time to study on top of everything else!

Hi op, sorry to hear you've been having such a hard time. I dropped out of a distance learning masters as I couldn't cope with various things - I'd started a new job, had a very unwell family member & I realised later it was also just not the right uni course for me. I cried and panicked every time I looked at my course work & it was having such a negative impact on my life. I was so embarrassed and ashamed but honestly giving up was the best and bravest thing I could have done & I'm actually really proud that I recognised the need to just stop. I went back later to a slightly different course in a different uni with a completely different teaching method although still remote and it was a really positive experience. It's so hard but please try to disregard other peoples opinions. You'll probably also find that other people care a lot less about whether you stick it out or not! Take care of yourself

University lecturer here who teaches on an MA course as well as undergrad. At my uni students can interrupt study in circumstances such as this and start again the following year.

Did you make any decisions regarding your masters?

Interesting this was bumped today as I've been going through the same thing, including trying to start and crying into my laptop! Also interested in what you decided. I am able to pause for a bit, but I still need to get this module assignment completed when I feel exhausted.

I used to study in timetabled two hour blocks, very late or extremely early daily (sometimes both) which was solid hard over three years. It was the only way to fit family, work and uni in.

It is a lot to manage, don't carry on struggling and worrying what others think. Make the best decision for you right now.

You should speak to your tutor though.