To quit my Masters? Feel like such a failure

[neverbeenskiing]

I started a part time, distance-taught Masters degree in September. I was so excited about it but am now regretting the decision and considering withdrawing. Honestly, the only thing stopping me is the embarrassment of having to tell family and colleagues. I feel like a failure.

I work FT in a busy job with a lot of deadlines. In preparation for doing the course I decided to compress my hours over 4 days, so I now work 10 hour days Monday- Thursday and have Friday off for uni work. I have two DC age 8 and 3. The 3 year old is supposed to be in Nursery on Friday so I can study but since September has only been there once on a Friday due to constant colds and bugs, including a horrible sickness bug that lasted 10 days and resulted in a night in hospital. The GP says it's not unusual, that the first year at nursery is often like this as their immune system builds, so there's nothing we can do.

I am behind with uni work, behind with work for my actual job, the house is constantly a mess and I am exhausted. I feel like I could sleep for 100 years but when I go to bed I'm too anxious to sleep and can't turn my brain off.

DH is supportive and but also works FT in a demanding job. His employer announced a change a couple of weeks ago that means he is likely to be travelling more during the week so that won't help.

Yesterday DH took the kids out for the day so I could get some uni work done. I have an assignment to write that has been stressing me out for weeks but instead of getting on with it I ended up staring at the computer screen for an hour in a state of panic, then burst into tears and couldn't stop crying. I am normally a very capable, just get on with things kind of person but I felt completely paralysed. I had PND after I had my youngest (I was lucky to receive excellent treatment and recovered after a few months) and I am frightened of becoming unwell again. I have decided to go back to counselling but even finding time for this is proving difficult, I've had to cancel two appointments already due to work and DC illness.

WIBU to drop out of the Masters course? DH says he's worried I'll regret it if I do and he is probably right but at the moment it feels like a massive cloud hanging over me. The ideal scenario would be if I could defer for a year but from looking at the university website this doesn't seem to be an option once you've started.

I am working part time whilst doing a part time masters with two young children snd it's bloody hard. I basically work full time and trying to work within school hours is hard.

I can only imagine how hard it must be when you work full time. People on my course are doing it and i don't know how. I tried to defer my course last year due to having to home schooling with COVID etc and was told no. However, when I contacted them they did allow us an extension at the end of the course and actually said the 'deadlines' in the paperwork we're more flexible than originally outlined. This took a massive weight off my shoulders although obviously only in the short term as I was behind too and missed deadlines but it does mean I still need to get the entire course finished by x time even though I have missed the individual deadlines.

Could you email outlining your position and see what they say? Test the water about extensions and see if they can perhaps help you with a more flexible breakdown of deadlines?

I also find when I think about everything I have left to do and make the mistake of reading through the info for the last three modules we have to do I panicked and got overwhelmed. Which was a mistake- I am trying to break it down into smaller manageable chunks and focus on one step at a time. This makes it much easier.

Based on your further update (about feeling unable to cope at work in the way that you usually could) my main question would be

Why are you doing this?
Literally why?

I tried to hold back from saying this for fear of being told "you wouldn't say that to a man" "she want's to further herself" etc. But I would say it to a man. Many men put work first and quite a few of them lose their families over it.

You have a good job, a young family and hopefully still have your health. Why are you compromising your ability to do your job (that pays the bills), compromising your time with your kids and partner and risking your health for a course that you don't need to do?

Sure you would like to do it. It's not going any where. Your kids will not be young again and you won't get another chance to enjoy their young years. You say you can't cut down on work as no-one else can do your job - how will they manage when you are long term sick? They would as they would have to. Why male yourself sick for this course - just why?

No need to feel a failure, since you asking yourself to do the impossible.

This is too much for any one person at the moment. Coming from a slightly older age group, I look back and wish I had cut myself a bit of slack when my children were younger - I had no time to really enjoy them as I was always trying to fit stuff in and dashing from pillar to post, both mentally and physically. That is no way to live.

The MA will still be there waiting for you to do when your children are secondary school age and more able to look after themselves some of the time. There is no shame in taking stock of your circumstances and making sensible decisions about work/life balance.

And hold your head high - tell people that you have taken a positive decision after weighing everything up; and are looking forward to resuming the MA when your children are a bit older.

I haven’t rtft but I’d wait if I were you. I did a masters when my children were small and I was working full time. I did pass, but I barely learned anything because it was always rushed and the bare minimum.

I really regret squandering the opportunity to really immerse myself in the subject and instead was totally turned off and my passion squashed because it was so bloody stressful and compromised

I’d defer, you are spread thinly already.

Are you the only one taking leave when your toddler is sick? Can your partner help?

He does as much as he can but his employer is not as supportive or flexible as mine. He works in a very competitive, male-dominated industry and the culture is very much that your personal/family issues are not your employers problem. He cut short a work trip a couple of weeks ago when our toddler was really poorly and had to go to hospital and it did not go down well at all.

@neverbeenskiing

ToastieSnowy it's the constant spinning of plates that's getting to me I think. If I was doing the Masters full time, I'm sure it would be hard, but I think I could cope. It's the combination of uni, work and young DC, trying to juggle everything and feeling like I'm not doing any of it well enough that is the killer.

Yes I can relate to this. I stupidly told myself my masters would be done within school hours and wouldn't affect the dcs.

I am lucky that I don't have to work or do this course but with that I feel lots of guilt and a failure that I haven't managed to keep that the case. I have been trying to do it all- keep up with all the dcs after school activities too and exercise myself and it's been too much.

I have finally resolved myself to the fact that I can't do it all and have now cut down on dcs activities and now put them into after school club. I feel guilty about this but actually the dcs love it and are happy and it's only temporary. Is there an option for you to put source anything else?

Why are you doing this?
Literally why?

Honestly, I don't even know anymore.

I've always loved studying. I enjoyed every minute of my degree. I loved writing my dissertation. I found a copy of it a few months back and remembered how much I enjoyed doing it and wished I could write it again. But that was before DC, before I was working full time in a professional job with a team to manage and a lot of people depending on me.

When I decided to do the Masters I was so excited about it. But now even thinking about it makes me anxious.

@neverbeenskiing

Do you need this Masters or is it purely for fun?

I don't need it. It's relevant to my work and it's something I wanted to do. That's why I feel like a fool because I chose to put myself in this position.

Christ, if you don't need it - sack it off! Life's too short. You can always come back to it in later years if you want. Quitting doesn't necessarily mean failure - recognising you tried something, it didn't work out and choosing to stop is success.

Stop for a momen, read over your posts calmly and see how stressed you are.
You and your family are what counts, not a bloody masters, and certainly not a masters that won't even progress you in your career.
In fact it could hinder your career if you end up struggling in the day job.
Why are you putting yourself through this?
The posters advising you to go to bed with the kids and get up at 4am where is the fun in that?
There's no point working hard if you have no time to enjoy the fruits of that work.
Tomorrow is not a given, start enjoying your today.

You already are displaying significant symptoms of mental illness
Crying - inability to concentrate- indecisiveness - sleep problems and anxiety
With these symptoms it is not a good idea to make any decisions

It may be an idea to see a doctor and get some help - this would also probably be grounds for deferring

Just for information a lot of universities do not allow you to claim sickness after you have submitted papers or taken exams -

I’d second talking to your uni and asking their advice. It won’t be the first time they’ve had someone in your situation, there will be support available to you!

I work with prt-time students at a post grad uni and you can take a break for any length of time, up to a year each time. In total they can take a break for 4 years during registration period. We tell students during the induction but we're throwing so much information at them that they often forget. It's worth getting in touch and asking about options. If you withdraw and you're later able to go back, your funding options could be limited so I always encourage students to take a break first.

I've done 5 years of uni, (2 years of which had demanding placements) whilst juggling self employment & 3 kids (lone parent). I look back now & I have no idea how I did it. Mine was a complete re-trade, which meant a much better life for the kids & I. If it wasn't for that promise of a much better life, I wouldn't have managed it.

I can relate to what you said about crying in front of the screen because I did it so often. The mental & physical exhaustion are punishing. I'm glad I stuck it out now. I recently decided to change employer & the fact I retrained under such conditions was noted & valued in every interview, all of which resulted in job offers. It was worth it in my case, but in my opinion, if there isn't a real, life changing goal to keep you motivated, better to step away now before it gets worse. Why put yourself through it?

YANBU. My masters almost broke me and I was doing it FT without kids and only a very part time job. Do talk to the uni, there will be options for support if you decide to continue. But in your shoes I think I would prioritise mental health and put it on hold for a few years. If you still want the intellectual challenge of continued learning in the mean time you could look into free online MOOCs that you could do in your free time without any pressure.

You are doing the right thing. Start with your tutor and take it from there.

Just for context, I’ve done it while my kids were very small, in a set of quite insane circumstances I won’t bore you with while working full time. So it isn’t impossible BUT at some points it’s impossible. And one of those is if the balance and support isn’t right and your well being is suffering. That won’t stay the same for ever though and IF you want to you’ll get there, in time. Don’t make yourself ill though 💐

I haven’t read the whole thread but I’m advising as someone who was a lecturer and now manages student support services.

Contact one of your student support workers and tell them what’s going on, talk about your options. You don’t have to give up unless you want to, you could probably get a learning contract if you can get evidence of your mental health issues, you may be able to get extensions, you will probably be able to access study skills support.

The getting so stressed that you’re staring at a blank screen is so common, honestly 90% of the students I see experience the same thing (and probably loads of the ones I don’t see either).

Your course fees pay for all the support at university not just the teaching, it’s your right to access them.

I'd defer. It'll give you the chance to catch up on what you've missed so far, with luck your youngest will have built up some immunities and the older one will be that much more mature. And it'll give you a chance to relax and recover.

Even the most capable people have their limit. I know how it feels though - the shame and disappointment in yourself, the aversion to 'failure'; however this is your own distorted view of yourself and not how anyone else views you. You are your own harshest judge and unfortunately that's also the thing that hurts the most.

You are human, though, and I think it's completely sensible for you to shelve this for now and revisit at another point in time.

Hi. I finished a PhD while working 30 hours a week with one aged 0 to 3 while I did it. Husband no support as had just set up business. But parents huge support, having little one for a couple of days at a time every few weeks. You need support!
And my Masters was the hardest qualification I ever did. Very different to a PhD.
Would talk to uni about doing over longer than 3 years and try and do one module the first year. Also ask for a mentor.

I did a pt masters whilst working full time, with compressed hours to allow me to attend uni one afternoon/ evening per week. It was doable but I didn't have dc then. I needed the masters to get onto a doctorate. In your position, unless it was needed for your job/ future study I'd put it on hold until your children were older and in school and you can afford to properly drop a day to focus on it.

I did my masters via distance learning while working full time as a teacher. Then something went pear shaped with my job and I decided for my sanity I had to take a break. I contacted my tutor and they organised it for me. I think I took 6 months off then restarted and actually managed to complete the rest more quickly. I had finished the module I stopped in the middle of during the recess and my tutor gave me details of the next. It meant I felt I was actually ahead which was an amazing feeling.

You need to do what is right for you though and I really recommend you talk to your tutor. They have seen and heard it all and give good advice. Whatever happens you should have earned credits for modules completed which should count towards any future study.

The naked truth is that you don't have time to fit in this Masters at the moment.

Even if your youngest did actually go to nursery, by the time you've dropped him off and picked him up, it's only a handful of hours. Evenings? A joke, after your long days. Weekend? With two kids and a husband you want to keep a relationship with? Plus the usual running a house - not funny.

You obviously want to do the Masters but please please defer and do it at a later date. And at that later date have a good look at your circumstances before you sign up again .

@neverbeenskiing

I started a part time, distance-taught Masters degree in September. I was so excited about it but am now regretting the decision and considering withdrawing. Honestly, the only thing stopping me is the embarrassment of having to tell family and colleagues. I feel like a failure.

I work FT in a busy job with a lot of deadlines. In preparation for doing the course I decided to compress my hours over 4 days, so I now work 10 hour days Monday- Thursday and have Friday off for uni work. I have two DC age 8 and 3. The 3 year old is supposed to be in Nursery on Friday so I can study but since September has only been there once on a Friday due to constant colds and bugs, including a horrible sickness bug that lasted 10 days and resulted in a night in hospital. The GP says it's not unusual, that the first year at nursery is often like this as their immune system builds, so there's nothing we can do.

I am behind with uni work, behind with work for my actual job, the house is constantly a mess and I am exhausted. I feel like I could sleep for 100 years but when I go to bed I'm too anxious to sleep and can't turn my brain off.

DH is supportive and but also works FT in a demanding job. His employer announced a change a couple of weeks ago that means he is likely to be travelling more during the week so that won't help.

Yesterday DH took the kids out for the day so I could get some uni work done. I have an assignment to write that has been stressing me out for weeks but instead of getting on with it I ended up staring at the computer screen for an hour in a state of panic, then burst into tears and couldn't stop crying. I am normally a very capable, just get on with things kind of person but I felt completely paralysed. I had PND after I had my youngest (I was lucky to receive excellent treatment and recovered after a few months) and I am frightened of becoming unwell again. I have decided to go back to counselling but even finding time for this is proving difficult, I've had to cancel two appointments already due to work and DC illness.

WIBU to drop out of the Masters course? DH says he's worried I'll regret it if I do and he is probably right but at the moment it feels like a massive cloud hanging over me. The ideal scenario would be if I could defer for a year but from looking at the university website this doesn't seem to be an option once you've started.

I was in exactly the same boat earlier this year as a single parent of 3. You can do what's called 'intermitting' for up to 2 years. Your MeV ram health is important. Please don't feel bad. You have a lot in your plate. But yourself some time.