To quit my Masters? Feel like such a failure

[neverbeenskiing]

I started a part time, distance-taught Masters degree in September. I was so excited about it but am now regretting the decision and considering withdrawing. Honestly, the only thing stopping me is the embarrassment of having to tell family and colleagues. I feel like a failure.

I work FT in a busy job with a lot of deadlines. In preparation for doing the course I decided to compress my hours over 4 days, so I now work 10 hour days Monday- Thursday and have Friday off for uni work. I have two DC age 8 and 3. The 3 year old is supposed to be in Nursery on Friday so I can study but since September has only been there once on a Friday due to constant colds and bugs, including a horrible sickness bug that lasted 10 days and resulted in a night in hospital. The GP says it's not unusual, that the first year at nursery is often like this as their immune system builds, so there's nothing we can do.

I am behind with uni work, behind with work for my actual job, the house is constantly a mess and I am exhausted. I feel like I could sleep for 100 years but when I go to bed I'm too anxious to sleep and can't turn my brain off.

DH is supportive and but also works FT in a demanding job. His employer announced a change a couple of weeks ago that means he is likely to be travelling more during the week so that won't help.

Yesterday DH took the kids out for the day so I could get some uni work done. I have an assignment to write that has been stressing me out for weeks but instead of getting on with it I ended up staring at the computer screen for an hour in a state of panic, then burst into tears and couldn't stop crying. I am normally a very capable, just get on with things kind of person but I felt completely paralysed. I had PND after I had my youngest (I was lucky to receive excellent treatment and recovered after a few months) and I am frightened of becoming unwell again. I have decided to go back to counselling but even finding time for this is proving difficult, I've had to cancel two appointments already due to work and DC illness.

WIBU to drop out of the Masters course? DH says he's worried I'll regret it if I do and he is probably right but at the moment it feels like a massive cloud hanging over me. The ideal scenario would be if I could defer for a year but from looking at the university website this doesn't seem to be an option once you've started.

Hi OP,

I started a f/t masters (but classes were all in the evenings)while working f/t and it was the worst decision for my mental health - then family stuff happened and I ended up taking a leave of absence from my studies for a few months (I think in my uni you can take up to 2 years, they just pause everything and when you are ready to come back you do). I'd speak to the university and see what your options are. They won't want you to quit and they'll help you figure out where to go from here. I find they are more understanding and helpful with postgrads (shouldn't be the way but it is) and will do everything in their power to help you through.

Come over to the mature students board, we're all here to support you too

You can do what's called 'intermitting' for up to 2 years.

Is that the same as a leave of absence? I will ask my tutor about this when I speak to them. I suppose part of me worries that, as PP have pointed out, my circumstances may not be that different in 6 months or even a years time.

I teach on a PT distance MA. This happens to our students ALL THE TIME so please don't be too hard on yourself.

You will almost certainly be able to take a break in studies (which is a bit different from deferral) and this is what I would advise. Right now your mind is in fight or flight mode, this is why you can't get anything done even when you have time. The best thing you can do for yourself is remove yourself from the situation and regroup.

I would suggest taking a break and being a bit strategic about your return. Before you go on break (which usually means losing access to things online) try to get the syllabi for the first few modules, and see if you can do the core readings before you come back. This will save you some time. Also now you know the reality of the workload, see what you can change in your personal life down the road.

I'm sure with a fresh start and a few changes you can do this. Be kind to yourself.

Just wanted to say I was in a really similar situation to you. I could have written your post! Did the same thing and just stared at the screen and cried...then felt even worse at the end of the day when barely anything had been achieved.

Firstly I found doing loads of reading and writing notes is key. This makes writing so much easier and I probably spent 70% of my time reading and 30% writing. A lecturer advised me to set up an Excel document where you can group your reading into key themes - this helped writing too. I still, however, was wanting to quit due to balancing work and uni and home. I was embarrassed to quit but also aware of the financial implications.

I then took the mindset of even if I just pass this Masters, I've done a great job considering everything else. I found the second and third years so much easier. No crying or stress as I thought to myself that home and work are most important and ultimately they won't change or disappear if I fail the Masters. I found my grades became higher and higher as I got into the swing of things and understood what the lecturers looked for. I'm sure I asked a million questions but all of which helped me understand how to structure the work. I found blank paper frightening so often would just decide to write a thousand words and had faith that some of it would be useful. Just don't rush into writing... consider the other steps.

I've graduated this year with a distinction and I literally wouldn't have believed it three years ago. It feels a huge task but just take one assignment at a time. Aim to pass - anything else at this stage is a bonus! Don't think about the masters as a whole as it is way too daunting! I really wouldn't give up... you've just got to try and think about it a bit differently. In terms of hours spent, I found some modules didn't need as much independent reading and time spent on them. Plan way ahead for your assignments as even if you have a plan in place or a bit of reading done a few weeks before you'll feel ahead of the game! You'll look back in three years and be really proud of yourself.

There's no point working hard if you have no time to enjoy the fruits of that work. Tomorrow is not a given, start enjoying your today.

This made me cry as it brought home that, if I'm being completely honest, I'm really not enjoying life at all at the moment. If I do anything 'fun' with the DC I'm looking at my watch, fretting about all the other things I should be doing. I'm too tired to go out and see friends. Everything feels like a thankless, relentless slog and I'm not sure if that's the depression coming back or just that I've spread myself too thin.

Your children deserve and need your full attention when you are not at work - frankly I think you will regret not being able to do that when you look back.

If your head is whirling with all the other things that need doing while you are with them, then that is frankly not good at all!

It is clearly taking its toll on you - cut loose and live a little less on the edge.

Get yourself to the GP so there is a record of your mental health issues and speak to student support services - I know I’ve said this twice now but it astounds me the number of people who get to the point of leaving or being really behind and have no idea of the many things which are in place to help them.

But if you do decide to leave, that’s fine, no one will think worse of you. I withdrew from a PhD because I couldn’t do it with a very busy and stressful work role, kids and various other things and I felt absolutely liberated afterwards.

Do what is best for you and your family but if there is part of you that wants to continue, get support.

I don’t think your workload is tenable.

FT hours compressed into four days is an exhausting work pattern.

I have a v good ‘record’ academically and am fast at academic work. And efficient at my job. some years ago tried a PT masters on top of FT work (before DC) and dropped it because it was too much work for me to feel well mentally.

Your DH isn’t actually fully ‘supportive’ if ‘support’ means ‘doing what he can’ with no reduction in his work travel/hours. It’s not necessarily unreasonable if he won’t make such changes, but it’s just not feasible for you to work FT and do the masters if he won’t. So it’s not at all helpful of him to encourage you to continue unless he can provide more support.

IME the argument that you ‘regret the thinks you don’t do’ more than the things you do is untrue!

Who is paying for the masters? Would investigate the financial implications of withdrawing. My employer nearly had to pay £4k when I withdrew from mine, many years ago, under the uni ts&cs. Luckily it was ‘only’ £500, a less expensive mistake! I wouldn’t have lost my job over it but £4k wouldn’t have gone down well!

You've spread yourself too thin across everything. You don't need permission from anyone to put yourself, your DH and your DC first.

If I were you I would defer, see where you are in a year and then decide.

There's no point carrying on if you're not enjoying it and it doesn't make you a failure I promise!!!

The bursting into tears after the 2 hour zoom cancellation is worrying.

Please confirm that you have at least already emailed your uni tutor.

Your DH isn’t actually fully ‘supportive’ if ‘support’ means ‘doing what he can’ with no reduction in his work travel/hours. It’s not necessarily unreasonable if he won’t make such changes, but it’s just not feasible for you to work FT and do the masters if he won’t. So it’s not at all helpful of him to encourage you to continue unless he can provide more support.

I see where you're coming from but I feel I need to stick up for DH here. He would love to work less hours and not have to travel for work, that's not his choice. I'm sure most people would like to work less but for many that's not an option. In terms of encouraging me to continue, I don't think he knows what to do for the best. He is worried about me and will 100% not judge me if I quit the course but he is also worried that I will beat myself up later if I do quit, which is understandable as I am quite hard on myself generally.

Please confirm that you have at least already emailed your uni tutor.

Sorry I thought I'd mentioned upthread I have emailed my tutor to ask for an appointment.

Your children deserve and need your full attention when you are not at work

I know they do. The guilt is crushing.

Who is paying for the masters? Would investigate the financial implications of withdrawing.

I'm self-funding so it wouldn't impact my job. According to the uni website if I withdrew before Christmas I'd be liable for 25% of this years fees. It goes up to 50% after Christmas.

Ok stop right there. You have absolutely zero need to feel guilty about your children.

This drives me insane. You are a person. You have worth that is not as a mother but as a human. Are your children loved, cared for, strong relationships with dad? You should not be reduced to work and childcare you are so much more and that sort of attitude leads to endless guilt and is possibly a big factor in how you are feeling.

Good. Then you've done something, actioned it. Then wait for tutors response. Wait to see what they suggest.

Reading your responses it sounds like such a miserable situation. The slog isn’t going to go away as the Master’s progresses. The fact your husband can’t step in to help more due to his work based culture, means you are on a hiding to nothing. Unless there is going to be drastic shift - you reduce your hours, your husband reduces his hours or gets a different job I can’t see how you can make this work. It may not be a depressive episode but rather a totally rational response to an impossible situation.

Life is about experimenting to find out what works - that changes all the time. You tried this, which is great - it’s not working right now, which is OK.

• It should be easier when your younger one starts school
• ask your university if you can delay or extend the course - 10-12 hours is a lot, if you could just do a single module this year and next and do it over 5 years that will be a lot easier
• if you can keep your hand in and slow it down that would be best - I don’t think doing it is the problem, it’s just there’s too much of it
• if you don’t have a cleaner get one, get in some cooks meals etc - there are lots of threads here on how to reduce time spent on running home life, so have a read and discuss w your husband.
• if there’s no way of cutting the hours done, stick it on ice till your youngest is 6 or 7 and do some smaller bits of self development for now.

It's great that you've going to talk to your tutor.

I think that your next priority should be to talk to your counsellor. That is a health matter and if there is no other way then your DH needs to take time off to facilitate that. Same as for any other medical condition.

@Luredbyapomegranate

Life is about experimenting to find out what works - that changes all the time. You tried this, which is great - it’s not working right now, which is OK.

• It should be easier when your younger one starts school
• ask your university if you can delay or extend the course - 10-12 hours is a lot, if you could just do a single module this year and next and do it over 5 years that will be a lot easier
• if you can keep your hand in and slow it down that would be best - I don’t think doing it is the problem, it’s just there’s too much of it
• if you don’t have a cleaner get one, get in some cooks meals etc - there are lots of threads here on how to reduce time spent on running home life, so have a read and discuss w your husband.
• if there’s no way of cutting the hours done, stick it on ice till your youngest is 6 or 7 and do some smaller bits of self development for now.

I think this is good advice. I really think you'd find it easier when the children are a bit older but perhaps you can do smaller amounts of work in the meantime.

You're being really hard on yourself - you're not a fool or a failure, this sounds like a genuinely tough situation that most people would struggle with (I certainly would!)

Speaking to the tutor is unlikely to help, except as regards ‘deferral’ options. The uni work simply takes at least X hours per module and you don’t have the hours / capacity to do it.

Appreciate that it would be difficult for DH to work fewer hours or travel less. And for you to go PT in your current job. Yes, we all have to be realistic and make trade offs. But (IMO) these are the key factors meaning it isn’t feasible for you to complete further study.

It’s concerning that you see this as a personal failure. The mistake was applying in the first place, given your circumstances, not stopping.

Few people can handle full time work, higher education and parenting two DC, even with their partner doing much of the domestic work and parenting, and/or high family support, which you don’t have.

Please don’t listen to Dozer, it’s a spectacularly unhelpful post (and I don’t think I’ve ever said that on here before).

There is always a lot of support if you ask for it, including support with making decisions around deferral and withdrawing if that’s what you want to do, and every university I know has counselling services to help you process what’s going on and work out options. Feel free to message me if you want any support in navigating the systems.

I was not meaning to be dismissive of university services.

But OP’s problem is that due to her circumstances she doesn’t have time/capacity to complete the hours required for her degree . Time out aside, or the university offering an OU style, modular option to study over more years, the services and help on offer are v unlikely to address the core problem.

I think it’s unhelpful to encourage people to pursue something that’s not feasible or that has costs that far outweigh the benefits.

I truly appreciate every single response. Thank you. Even when the advice is conflicting, it's still helpful to hear others perspectives. I have made an appointment with my counsellor and will see what my tutor has to say. I think I've come to the conclusion that I need a leave of absence or a deferral at the least, if nothing else to give me some breathing room to think about a longer term plan.