To quit my Masters? Feel like such a failure

[neverbeenskiing]

I started a part time, distance-taught Masters degree in September. I was so excited about it but am now regretting the decision and considering withdrawing. Honestly, the only thing stopping me is the embarrassment of having to tell family and colleagues. I feel like a failure.

I work FT in a busy job with a lot of deadlines. In preparation for doing the course I decided to compress my hours over 4 days, so I now work 10 hour days Monday- Thursday and have Friday off for uni work. I have two DC age 8 and 3. The 3 year old is supposed to be in Nursery on Friday so I can study but since September has only been there once on a Friday due to constant colds and bugs, including a horrible sickness bug that lasted 10 days and resulted in a night in hospital. The GP says it's not unusual, that the first year at nursery is often like this as their immune system builds, so there's nothing we can do.

I am behind with uni work, behind with work for my actual job, the house is constantly a mess and I am exhausted. I feel like I could sleep for 100 years but when I go to bed I'm too anxious to sleep and can't turn my brain off.

DH is supportive and but also works FT in a demanding job. His employer announced a change a couple of weeks ago that means he is likely to be travelling more during the week so that won't help.

Yesterday DH took the kids out for the day so I could get some uni work done. I have an assignment to write that has been stressing me out for weeks but instead of getting on with it I ended up staring at the computer screen for an hour in a state of panic, then burst into tears and couldn't stop crying. I am normally a very capable, just get on with things kind of person but I felt completely paralysed. I had PND after I had my youngest (I was lucky to receive excellent treatment and recovered after a few months) and I am frightened of becoming unwell again. I have decided to go back to counselling but even finding time for this is proving difficult, I've had to cancel two appointments already due to work and DC illness.

WIBU to drop out of the Masters course? DH says he's worried I'll regret it if I do and he is probably right but at the moment it feels like a massive cloud hanging over me. The ideal scenario would be if I could defer for a year but from looking at the university website this doesn't seem to be an option once you've started.

Another idea. If it’s related to work even if not essential, have you spoken with them? They might consider giving you even a couple of hours towards study a week ?

It’s always worth asking .

I did my masters part time and compressed my working hours. I didn’t have kids at the time and a year out of uni and it still nearly broke me. It’s a really weird one because I wouldn’t put myself through that again but now I’m on the other side, it’s still one of the things I’m most proud of.

Before making any big decisions, talk to the course supervisor. This is something I really wished I had done. Understand if deferring is an option, is it possible to do options as CPD and collect points towards a masters and you complete the research element when life is calmer. I would also look into dropping to a post graduate diploma, you don’t have to take it but knowing there’s an option to do less might take the pressure off. Look at doing it in modules, small chunks and build it up as life allows. I think the idea of 3 years of study is a bit off-putting but as you’ve got a few modules behind you, you will begin to think it’s worth pursuing the whole masters.

No one will care or think badly of you if you stop doing it or you defer for a year - why would you think they would? Your reasons seems sound to me, you just don’t have enough time and you are in an (entirely understandable) state where you can’t do the work anyway! You sound literally at the end of your tether, there are not enough hours in your day.

I think it will be easier with older children. You can do it again later if you want.

OP. I promised myself I’d do a masters every year for five years

I’ve given up hoping

Always somebody sick, always something to deal with that would drag me away from it. I’ve decided to wait until my children are so ending all their times studying them a elves 😂

And another survival tip, when you cook a main, cook 2 times the amount you need, freeze half. If you do it everytime you soon will have enough food in the freezer not to have to cook every night.

Also housework pffft something has to give. Don’t try to be perfect.

Oh believe me, I'm not aiming for perfection! I've never been particularly house-proud. My approach to domestic stuff has always been "fuck it, that'll do". My point is that I'm struggling to achieve even the absolute basics. I'm talking getting half way through the week and realising I've run out of clean underwear, the house isn't just messy anymore it looks like we've been burgled.

I'm teaching insane hours (uni) and doing a masters. I spend Saturday doing my masters assignments and Sunday prepping for my teaching.

My kids are teens who cook etc. It's been incredibly hard. The kids barely see me.

DH has picked up all the weekend preparations and I am still on laundry. That's the best I can do.

You cannot have any smalls around for the 10 hours you are meant to do school work. No exceptions ever if you want to get through it.

I’m doing an MA now in similar circumstances. I got an extra three months to do my last assessment by applying for exceptional factors and I may do the same again. I’ll get there, but I need more time. I would talk to the uni before you quit just to see what your options are.

What do you want to do - and what are you afraid off?

The reason I am asking these questions is I think your decision is a complex one. I have a feeling you want to give it up but your are scared of what people may think? If that's the case then that's a different issue to deal with.

I'm a qualified coach so happy to chat via PM if you want some help to unpick your decision?

Whatever you decide, you’re not a failure. Definitely talk to the uni- I imagine this sort of thing is very common and they’ll be able to advise.

Hi OP, I did a master's part time over 3 years, alongside an extremely demanding full time job and it nearly broke me tbh. And I only had one dc who was 8 when I started, can't imagine what it would have been like to have a 3yo on top.

It was very, very gruelling. I wasn't really prepared to compromise on time with dd so I ended up compromising a lot on sleep and the tiny bit of downtime that I had, at significant cost to my wellbeing. I kept going because I was fortunate enough to have been awarded full funding for the course and I didn't feel able to quit because of that.

I am really glad now that I did it, and I'm very proud of getting through it, but I'm not really sure if it was worth it. My physical and mental health suffered as a result, I think, though thankfully no permanent damage done. And although the qualification did probably help me to progress my career, that has led to more stress too.

I think it would be worth talking to your university about deferring, or whether you can spread the workload over more than 3 years. However, I don't think there would be any shame whatsoever in quitting if you decide that it isn't the right thing for you at this point in time. There is nothing wrong in walking away from something that isn't working for you, and it actually takes a lot of courage to do that. I'm sure that your friends and family will be behind you, no matter what you choose.

Completely normal reaction OP. I'm doing similar at the moment and it's terrifying. I'm forcing myself to start an assignment today. But I have every minute of it.

Talk to the uni as soon as possible to see if there is any flexibility. One of the biggest reasons for distance learning or mature students dropping out of courses is lack of support.

Ask, no demand help. They are getting paid to deliver the MBA it's in the universities interest to help you pass.

I started a course last year and dropped it. The amount of work was unbelievable! Out of 10 of us, only 2 completed it. If the timing isn't right and it's overwhelming you, ask to postpone the start esp with your DH job changing too. Your kids will be in senior school in a couple of years, it may be that would an easier time to start.

you are in an (entirely understandable) state where you can’t do the work anyway!

I think this you've hit the nail on the head actually. Even if a miracle happened and I suddenly had two full weeks with no job, no DC, no household stuff to worry about...I don't think I'd get out of bed. I think I would spend the entire time either sleeping or staring into space worrying about the work but unable to bring myself to do it. That is not like me at all, I am usually a very driven person. I am wondering if this is what people mean when they talk about 'burn-out'. Last week at work I had a 2 hour meeting cancelled unexpectedly at the last minute, "great" I thought "I've been given the gift of time, I can catch up with some stuff". I sat there and thought about all the things I needed to do and ended up spending the first hour in tears (fortunately I have my own office so no one knew) before eventually pulling myself together and getting on with some work.

I’m going to be blunt here so forgive me if I touch a nerve.

Have you already mentally stopped and you’re looking for permission to give up? Are you trying to find a solution to get through? Or are you in such a state of distress you don’t know?

Because I’d have different advice for each one.

First one, it’s fine. The time is wrong, there may be a better time. It’s not a failure, it’s learning your current limits and no one will think badly.

Second one, talk to uni. And reread the advice here.

Last one, talk to uni and your gp. Uni May have a counselling service you could access. Forget coursework concentrate on getting yourself better and then work out what you want to do. But talk to uni!

Go online and book an appointment with a student advisor (they are based in the student centre or similar - will vary from uni to uni). They are completely used to dealing with overwhelmed students esp mature students/part time etc and will be able to direct you/reassure you/advise you how to help yourself.

You can always apply to defer but don’t rush into things straight away. You are doing well to even attempt this with such a busy life. Good luck. :)

Bless you... you need to look after YOU... it sounds like you've got loads on at the moment. Cut yourself some slack. Working full time and having younger kids is really difficult. Stop worrying about what others think of you. If they have derogatory comments they're not worth listening to.

Have you thought about talking to your supervisor? They might be able to give you extensions/extra time to manage your course. Masters courses, to my recollection, are usually quite flexible, so instead of doing lots of modules at once you could maybe just do one a semester, and make it longer perhaps?
If you’re sure you don’t want to do it, it’s definitely not worth drudging through it. It’s just a massive waste of time. And your time is way more important than the money you may have lost.

Actually, the more you say, the more I think this is too far from being manageable. So even if you make some changes, it’s still just too much for three years. If your job or DH jobs had a bit more slack, or if children were secondary school age then it might be different.

No shame in admitting that, OP. You have to think of the well-being of you and your whole family.

How much of the masters have you done? How many hours is the little one supported to be in nursery on Friday? Do you want to get the masters done or do you want a good grade?

If you’re trying for 10 hours a week, assuming little one is in nursery 9-5, that’s 7 hours on a Friday allowing for 30min travel to nursery and back. You won’t realistically spend 7 hours studying: you could get 6 hours in: 2hours, 30 min break, 2 hour, 30 min break, two hours then pick up. Then two hours first thing sat and sun. Or, you could just do eight hours a week and drop the Sunday. You’d still get the qualification, assuming you have a basic aptitude for the subject. Also, referencing work etc is quite good for a half hour before bed as it’s easy enough to do sleepy. I’m not saying you should do it, I’m saying it’s possible, especially if you have clear boundaries on your time so it’s not sprawling into the rest of your life.

My goodness, I honestly do not think people understand the level of work that goes into a Masters especially at the start if you have been out of higher education for a while. You sound completely overwhelmed and anxious which will make things so much worse. I’ve been there, that cycle of anxiety is impossible to manage. Every time you sit down to work, your mind is screaming out to you for a break making it even harder.

A few things stood out for me:

1. Are you the only one taking leave when your toddler is sick? Can your partner help? If you treated Friday like a normal working day with say a vital presentation can your husband step in? I would guess that the level of sickness is worse this year because of covid and the social distancing measures. But in general the first year of nursery is awful with bugs. And I think worse for second children because they are also getting sickness from their sibling via school. My two are both in primary school and rarely ill. But we had long periods of constant sickness when they were little.
2. Realistically you will need to use some weekend time for study- one morning or one afternoon

1. There is no shame in deciding this is not for you. As others have said contact the university and see if you can defer or defer modules. Explain the situation and your mental health.

It is the most challenging time in your life to hold a full time job, have young children and try to study. It is completely fine to decide this isn’t for right now. Good luck.

I'm going to go against the tide here and say that you shouldn't quit yet. I think that with some immediate adjustments you can do this until Christmas and then reassess.

You have 5 main time consuming priorities right now and you have neither time nor energy to go 100% on all of them, so choose wisely: the Masters is the newest but is it really the least important to you?

In no particular order:
Day job
Childcare
Couple and family time
Masters course
Housework

Childcare will be better once you make it past the initial infection hump.
You can outsource cleaning, laundry, ironing.
Your employer has been understanding so far with flexible hours: how far can they go? For example: would they let you shift 4 hours into a weekend morning? Then you'd have guaranteed childcare (DH) and could give 100% to work. This would give you a 4 hour window for home admin, preparing your schedule for the week, online shopping etc and hopefully at least a short 'reset' for you.
Talk to your DH and get him on board. One evening a week to talk through plans for the week/shopping/Christmas/meal plans will help lighten your mental load.
Right now you are knackered but would both of you booking a day off as soon as possible to blitz the house and get you back on track be useful? Just to give you a new start point for your new system?

10 hours a week isn't much. Right now nursery is new and the course is new, so seem more overwhelming.

Alternatively, go back to a 5 day week so you are less tired in the evening, do one hour of college after dinner/ immediately after DC in bed then a half day each weekend while your DH has DC.

I am doing a full time masters having just done a 2 year degree so I am used to the studying.

I dropped from 5 days a week work to 1 day. No kids.
The amount of reading is insane. Then as I am at a normal university I need to attend lectures and tutorials at random times. I work every weekend on it as well. It seems overwhelming to me right now.

Trying to do it with a full time job and small kids etc just seems far far too much.

Don't make a decision based on what other people may think. How much time are they really going to spend on thinking about it... seconds probably. I almost quit my masters for similar reasons but hung on after dropping the thesis. However I was in my 20s and didn't have a job or kids. There is no way I could do it now, and there is no shame in saying so.

Have you already mentally stopped and you’re looking for permission to give up? Are you trying to find a solution to get through? Or are you in such a state of distress you don’t know?

I think it's the last one to be honest.

Sorry if I haven't answered everyone's questions, trying to keep up but I am reading every single reply and taking the advice on board. It is all very much appreciated. I absolutely will talk to my tutor. I have emailed him to ask for an appointment.