To quit my Masters? Feel like such a failure

[neverbeenskiing]

I started a part time, distance-taught Masters degree in September. I was so excited about it but am now regretting the decision and considering withdrawing. Honestly, the only thing stopping me is the embarrassment of having to tell family and colleagues. I feel like a failure.

I work FT in a busy job with a lot of deadlines. In preparation for doing the course I decided to compress my hours over 4 days, so I now work 10 hour days Monday- Thursday and have Friday off for uni work. I have two DC age 8 and 3. The 3 year old is supposed to be in Nursery on Friday so I can study but since September has only been there once on a Friday due to constant colds and bugs, including a horrible sickness bug that lasted 10 days and resulted in a night in hospital. The GP says it's not unusual, that the first year at nursery is often like this as their immune system builds, so there's nothing we can do.

I am behind with uni work, behind with work for my actual job, the house is constantly a mess and I am exhausted. I feel like I could sleep for 100 years but when I go to bed I'm too anxious to sleep and can't turn my brain off.

DH is supportive and but also works FT in a demanding job. His employer announced a change a couple of weeks ago that means he is likely to be travelling more during the week so that won't help.

Yesterday DH took the kids out for the day so I could get some uni work done. I have an assignment to write that has been stressing me out for weeks but instead of getting on with it I ended up staring at the computer screen for an hour in a state of panic, then burst into tears and couldn't stop crying. I am normally a very capable, just get on with things kind of person but I felt completely paralysed. I had PND after I had my youngest (I was lucky to receive excellent treatment and recovered after a few months) and I am frightened of becoming unwell again. I have decided to go back to counselling but even finding time for this is proving difficult, I've had to cancel two appointments already due to work and DC illness.

WIBU to drop out of the Masters course? DH says he's worried I'll regret it if I do and he is probably right but at the moment it feels like a massive cloud hanging over me. The ideal scenario would be if I could defer for a year but from looking at the university website this doesn't seem to be an option once you've started.

I don’t think you can defer once you have started, no,

I'm doing my degree with Open University and you are definitely allowed to defer, so it's worth exploring the possibility in any case.

Could you get signed off sick from work for a week or two and blitz your assignment?

I think this would create more stress to be honest. As I said, no one else does my role so there is no one to pick up the slack if I'm not in, I would simply have work piled up waiting for me when I got back. Also I've had to take a lot of time of recently due to toddler being ill so, although my bosses are supportive, I am worried the good will is going to run out!

Don't feel like a failure, your circumstances changed with DH job and DC sickness plus no one knows how hard things are going to be til they try. If someone close to me said they weren't able to complete a course due to it being so stressful I'd be just happy they realised and stopped before they broke.

Not to sound cold but you not finishing the course at this time doesn't impact anyone else's life and they don't care as much as you think they will. You're what's important to them not a degree.

I have started a full time masters this year, whilst (very) part time working. It’s really stressful so I can really empathise.

I would speak to your personal tutor and say what you have said here and ask if she can help- possibly deferral of a module. They are there to help and I’m sure will have dealt with similar before.

Are you doing 60 credits per year if it’s over 3 years? How is that broken down- can you postpone something?

I completely get it. I did full time undergrad last year so I thought I was in the swing and prepared for this year… but I’m treading water with the step up in volume for level 6 to 7.

I would avoid dropping out entirely if you can. I did that with my first undergrad degree (due to housemove for husbands job, plus childcare issues). It made me feel really shit for a long time.

Ultimately the university don’t want you to drop out- aside from anything else they’ll loose a further two years of fees, so there will be things they can and will try and do to help, whether that’s postponing some modules, extra help or extensions on some deadlines.

Good luck.

Academic tutor here - what a difficult situation.

Do you have an academic tutor/personal tutor/director of studies - an academic point of contact? And do you have a student support/wellbeing/advice email address or phone number?

Contact both of them asap and ask for help and advice. Ill children and unavoidable caring responsibilities usually count as "special/mitigating circumstances" and can often result in adaptations such as extended deadlines or indeed deferring/suspending your studies. Every university does things a bit differently and uses different language(!) so you need to ask. Most part time courses have enough flexibility to let a student suspend if they really need to for reasons outside their control.

It may also be worth asking the tutor who set the assignment about a deadline extension. My university only grants extensions nowadays if the student has applied for special circumstances and been granted. But this varies.

Don't rely on the website alone for this. YWNBU to drop out - your heatlh is paramount! - but the university may be able to help and it's really worth asking your tutor and/or student support.

Speak to the Uni.

I am in my second year of a three year, part time Masters by distance learning (wonder if it's the same one) and I had exactly the same wobble this time last year. It's a VERY steep learning curve, especially if you have been out of study. The part-time students on my course all agree it's not really part time, and that the students doing full time must be superhuman. The Uni also offers the course on a modular basis so you can take it in chunks - yes it will take longer, but perhaps more manageable. Several people on our course have dropped down to modular because of real life issues or other commitments.

Distance learning can be very isolating. We have a student WhatsApp group which is very active and a massive support. There is always someone there to pick you up when you're struggling or just feeling a bit low, and we have started fortnightly Zoom calls too as a social thing. It really helps. Also there's another student on the same course who lives in my city, we've met up a couple of times and that helps too.

Speak to your tutor, or the course leader. You will NOT be alone. Don't feel you can't ask for an extension on your assessments. It's hard and it's a lot to get through but once you get into the swing it does get easier to manage the load. In practical terms - can you get in extra help like cleaners?

Have you worked out how many hours you need a week to do the masters? Often on each module it will give an idea. It sounds like the numbers just don’t add up, in terms of time, and his would let you see why.

I would guess you need DH to take the children out all day one day a weekend (or you go to a library), plus for you to have two full evenings (from say, six, not from when they’re in bed).

If that isn’t achievable then I don’t think you can do it yet.

Another thought, can you finish the modules you’re doing so you can gain the credit for them, then take it up again in a few years?

I started a part time MSc prior to DC and with allocated time off work but I couldn't do it. I had a melt down, worked as a kitchen porter for a while then moved away. After a couple of years the uni contacted me telling me I needed to finish it or forget it. I did the second half full time and it was a revelation - so much better and more enjoyable. I made lifelong friends because we spent time together, and those people are now my peers in various interesting companies (as in a I have an extended professional network).

I'm not saying this is the way you should do it, but please consider that it's not just about turning in assignments, there's more to uni life that is the fun and potentially very useful part. If now is not the right time, or this modality doesn't suit you have a think about what would work. There is no shame in having a rethink, only a fool would plough on regardless.

Have a think about the advice you would give a friend in your position. Would you think less of them if they told you they had taken on too much, or would you think they were smart in recognising what worked for them?

Also, talk to the uni, sorry to say but you're not unique! They will have seen this many times before so can advise. Chin up, whatever you do make sure it's right for you.

Have you worked out how many hours you need a week to do the masters? Often on each module it will give an idea.

They estimate 10-12 hours a week. My plan was that I would have all day on Friday when kids at nursery/school so then would just need a few hours at the weekend, so a couple of hours when kids are in bed plus DH takes them out for a couple of hours either Saturday or Sunday. It seemed doable on paper but the reality feels overwhelming.

The problem is that you’re not getting the Fridays.

Would DH be willing to have them more at the weekend if your younger wasn’t at nursery that week? As a regular thing?

I’m just worried that as the germs settle down and they’re able to go to nursery, you might think that you could have done it after all. Can you get some immediate deadlines extended and see how you go once the short term pressure is eased?

My husband is currently doing a part time mba over two years. It is hard. Outsource as much as possible, defer modules and assignment deadlines if you can and do it over a longer time period. It will probably take him four years to do it. Identify in advance what days you need to do assignments etc and organise for your husband to take the kids out. Good luck!

I have done a master with a newborn and while working and I do not think I could have managed the way you have organised it. I think the 10 hours days, not your kids, are the problem. You will be exhausted all the time! And trying to cram all master study on a single day is pointless, you will get too tired, bored or simply put, won’t absorbe anything nor would you have time to think about what you have learned or get to any creative ideas.

If you have the flexibility, go back to normal 5 day week. So you are not totally knackered and unable to do anything else at the end of the day/week.

You need to work on the master 14-15 hours a week when doing it part time, therefore:

1. Do 2-2.5 hours a day with the master, if you are a night owl, do 10-12:00 or 5-7 if a morning person

2. It is essential your kids go to bed at a good time, every night. I used to work in the master 9-12, but later in life, when DS was 5, it worked better to go to bed at the same time as DS and I would wake up refreshed at 4-5 am so I had 2 hours of peace and quiet to do as I pleased while DS was asleep and half an hour to get ready /tidy up the house without distractions before everybody was up to start the day.

It is key you don’t try to take care of the children and study at the same time, you won’t achieve anything and will only get stressed.

When I was tired I didn’t try to stretch myself, I just went to bed and tidied up the house in the morning, as I went by (quick tidy up before leaving a room for the day, deep cleaning on the weekends). Your rest/sleep is as important as everything else, you won’t survive if you are too tired.

You can manage it, honest but not working compressed hours and trying to fit all master work in a single day.

I have a colleague in a similar boat (but without DC) and honestly she's really struggling. I do think there's no shame in admitting when you've born bitten off more than you can chew, and I also wonder if you'll regret missing the next three years of your DC's lives in a cloud of anxiety and uni deadlines.

OP you have taken on a lot here, bless you! I am just wrapping up a PT MSc after 3 years, it has been ridiculously tough, especially with covid and the kids home schooling chucked on top. It sounds like now really isn't the right time for you, there is no shame in dropping out or asking to defer a module. I deferred a module at the height of covid but it was offered ot me as an option because my course is directed at HCPs and they knew our work lives had turned manic overnight. Otherwise I got through it, just! I absolutely loved the content which certainly helped me plus my kids are a little older than yours.

Studying will always be there for you in the future.

I’ve done a full time masters on my own with young kids. I had to give up my part time job as I couldn’t manage.

Forget the house, it’s not a priority. If you really need it done get a cleaner in or DH can do it.
I clam up before every assignment. I get overwhelmed by the infinite possibilities and can’t start. I recognise it’s part of who I am so don’t beat myself up. I write my name, date, title and a first line. Doesn’t matter what the first line is it gets you going. Once I start I’m ok.

Speak to your tutor so you know what your options are.

Breakfast clubs, after school clubs and nursery are your friend.

I found I was better working at night (I do have stealth dyslexia mind so could be that). I’d work during the night, grab a few hours sleep, get kids to school then grab a few more hours. Won’t work for when you’re doing a full days work but may work on the Friday & Saturday night.

Would DH be willing to have them more at the weekend if your younger wasn’t at nursery that week? As a regular thing?

DH is very supportive and willing to do whatever he can to help take the pressure off me. But I feel guilty about the lack of quality time with him and the DC, especially as I get so little time with them in the week. I am also conscious that DH is under pressure at work and now having to travel more, so I don't want to just pass my stress onto him as a solution.

I’m just worried that as the germs settle down and they’re able to go to nursery, you might think that you could have done it after all.

This was my thinking behind wanting to defer for a year. By next September youngest DC will have been in nursery for a year, they will be 4 years old and out of the toddler 'can't take your eyes off them for a second' phase (hopefully!) and life might feel easier generally. But on the other hand it might not.

Manchester Phrase bank website and the cite it right book are your friends.

Beacause you are doing condensed hours in your day job none of the 10-12 hours a week of your course are balanced off against your work. So all of your 10-12 hours are coming from your sleep/downtime/exercise/housework/time with kids/partner or friends.

I don't think it's safe or sustainable to trim sleep/downtime too much as you are a human not a machine. As someone has said if you can pay for some cleaning that might help. Asking your partner to have the children one day at the weekend could be a good solution but do you and your partner and children want to make that level of sacrifice (compromising a family day) for this course.

Could your partner drop a day to help with running the house/childcare so you can work effectively. Again is it worth the sacrifice?

Have you got the school run on your Friday study day - so can only work effectively 9:30 - 2:30 or similar so only 5 hours. (obviously when the toddler is well and goes onto nursery)

ToastieSnowy it's the constant spinning of plates that's getting to me I think. If I was doing the Masters full time, I'm sure it would be hard, but I think I could cope. It's the combination of uni, work and young DC, trying to juggle everything and feeling like I'm not doing any of it well enough that is the killer.

Please do talk to the uni.

They will want to support you if they possibly can.

Also have you submitted any assignments yet? The first one and finding where you are in terms of the level you need to pitch at can help.

But I agree the biggest problem is you haven’t had the Friday and it’s all piled up. If you had been working and your child ill what would you have done?

You are far from the first person to feel this way. You can do it, you are capable, if you want to buy you need to find a routine and pace that doesn’t make you feel like this.

Also housework pffft something has to give. Don’t try to be perfect. I’m a chronic part time studier, pick your priority.

Good luck with it.

Cite it right is great, it also has a website and you possibly have an institutional log in for it (not your main issue but a useful tip)

Learning when to quit is one of lifes greatest lessons. Focus on your family and your job...that is two enormous things! I wouldn't defer it life will be just as busy in a year.

Just recognise it was not realistic and you have learned that now. You can do it when the kids are teenagers and don't need you quite so much day to day

My exh used to take care of the baby after diner so I was not too tired for the night shift of study. But, as the bed time routine was well established I noticed that I found it easier to cope the more he travelled as… sounds bad but, it was one less person to entertain, take care of and clean after (and I say that knowing my exh pulled his weight when it came to house chores miles, miles better than any other married men I know !)

Could your partner drop a day to help with running the house/childcare so you can work effectively.

Not an option unfortunately. His job is very full on, there is no way they would agree for him to cut his hours even if we could make that work financially, which I'm not sure we could.

Beacause you are doing condensed hours in your day job none of the 10-12 hours a week of your course are balanced off against your work. So all of your 10-12 hours are coming from your sleep/downtime/exercise/housework/time with kids/partner or friends.

You're right. I think I completely underestimated the impact of this on my MH. I was purely focused on 'can I make this work logistically?', 'is it achievable?' and didn't stop to think about how I would actually feel and the impact on my quality of life.