Husband thinks I should get up earlier!

[AandWsMum]

I am currently on maternity leave for DC2 who is 14 weeks old and EBF. We also have a DS who is three and goes to nursery two days a week, and I’ve just found out I’m pregnant again with DC3, much to my surprise.

My husband works long-ish hours, leaving the house at 8am and getting home about 8pm. He gets up with DS about 5.45am. His job isn’t manual but involves a lot of travelling. In the morning he takes the dog for a walk, does breakfast for DS and gets ready.

I get up about 7am, but have normally been awake for longer feeding baby. He thinks I should get up earlier because he says he finds leaving in the morning stressful if I’m still getting ready, but usually everything is under control. He is never annoyed or moaning he just says it would

Apart from taking out the bins and gardening, I do literally everything else most of the time with him pitching in when he can - the shopping, cooking, cleaning, bath time, bedtime, taking kids to parties, organising bills, school run etc are all my responsibility. So if he’s about at bath time, he will do it while I clear up from dinner as an example but it’s not a given.

He struggles with being woken in the night so atm sleeps in the spare room while feed baby (I don’t mind tbh at least I get more space) but it also means I deal with the 3 y/o if he wakes up at any point too.

I go to bed around 11pm and feed baby usually from 1-2 and then again 3.30-5 ish.

I don’t mind doing everything I do and appreciate that the main reason he doesn’t is because he just not here, but I am also EXHAUSTED.

AIBU to stand my ground and stay in bed til 7am and leave him to do the early mornings?

I said what i said and i stand by it , miscarriages or not. OP come back in a year and tell us how its going. Having baby upon babies without external help ruins marriages. OP if i were you i would get some paid help in now...an au pair?

@Twinkle1989

I'm with your DP here. He is working hard to provide for him family so that you are able to bring up your children. I have a 14 week old baby and work full time hours condensed. DP works full time too but sometimes works longer days. I have always done night feeds during my 6 week maternity and continue to do so if DC wakes. So that it flows in the morning and isn't stressful, I'm up at 5.30 sorting myself out for work and bathing DC ready to hand over care whilst I go to work - DP gets up about 7 and gets himself ready for when I leave as he does the morning drop offs. I don't think your DP is being unreasonable at all.

So you don't have a toddler to wrangle at the same time? You are not describing the same situation.

OP is also dealing with long hours. Just because her pay is mat leave money rather than Big Important Manjob money doesn't make her the lesser contributor. In fact is she was bringing in nothing, she is still not the lesser contributor to the family.

I'm always bemused at women who think that because they do the double shift to juggle around the DH's so important job that other women should to as well. The load should be shared in a family relationship with both parties getting some time off and both parties sharing in the financial benefits.

Things in your house are only going to get worse with 3 young children and you'll very likely be breastfeeding back to back. DH needs to get with the family programme- provider or not he still has responsibilities at home. 2 children is the limit for most women doing everything except go out to work - 3 means he's going to have to be present and helping at least for a few years.

He needs to learn to do the best job he can in the time available and not pushing more onto you in order for him to have more time for perfection. Everything you do will be to the best standard you can in the time you have available which will be snatched minutes.

You know at school when you have kids who slave over things for hours? If they don't have any learning issues it's just setting them up for failure in life. Very few people have that luxury at work - done is better than perfect.

You have 5 1/2 hours sleep every night. Assuming he too goes to bed at 11, he has 6 3/4. That is a HUGE difference. Does he not realise?

I'd stay in bed as long as the kids let me, even if its 11 oclock

He has a lot of control over his working hours.

It may be imperative that he works until 8pm every day, with frequent evening client meetings. Or he may feel it's imperative, without having examined other options; like taking on more staff, or coming home for 6pm, eating with the family, joining in with the clean-up, bath and bedtime, then doing a couple of hours of work after DS is in bed, around 8-10pm. That's what countless parents do.

Or could it possible be that he finds it easier to continue his work until 8pm, leaving all the cooking, cleaning, bath and bedtime chores (and the moments of joy amongst that chaos) to you, then come home to find a lovely grown-up dinner prepared for him by his charming wife?

He would not be the first father to choose to stay late at work (actually) / 'stay late at work' (go to the pub with work mates) / take on marathon training / join a cycling club etc. while his DC are young.

Because those last couple of hours of the childcare day, while DC are tired and demanding, you're sometimes working to keep them awake so they sleep at night, while preparing food, clearing up and facing whiny resistance to the busy bedtime routine are hard. Often the hardest hours of the parenting day. Who wouldn't want to opt out of that pain and swan in when it's all over, to enjoy a lovely grown-up dinner in peace?

'Paid help' is being suggested because we are assuming this is a wealthy (architect) family. Monied or not, I still strongly believe having multiple children (for what? Appearances sake?) is a really bad idea unless you are really really good at parenting.

Who wouldn't want to walk away from the whole lot. Why why why do people make life so difficult for themselves.

I think that’s fine for you to get up earlier, just make sure you express enough milk so DH doesn’t have to disturb you for either of the night feeds.

@MilkywayMonarch22

Whenever I see a thread like this, I think the way to solve it is for the partner (usually a man on these threads) to try doing multiple night feeds and then looking after a baby in the day as well as house jobs. They'd then not balk at doing morning chores as it's definitely the easier job.

You must be knackered OP, he needs to just crack on with mornings and whilst he's at it he can do evenings as well , he may as well get used to it as you'll soon be heavily pregnant with a crawling 9 month old and pre schooler and will need to take every chance at rest you can.

Exactly what I was thinking when I read the OP.

It's not unknown either, OP, for some men to use work as an excuse to take them out of the house, when things are very busy with small children. As he is his own boss, he should be looking at ways that he can do shorter hours, to give you a break. You must be absolutely exhausted.

What’s the problem with 7am? YANBU at all

IME a lot of men stay at work till late to avoid the supper and bed time routine which, IMO, is often the hardest bit of the day, especially if you have a new baby and a 3 year old.

YANBU. Just say you can't do it @AandWsMum . You would be knackered anyway with what you're doing- but on top of it you're pregnant which a lot of women find gives them fatigue.

And he could do a bit more maybe- you could discuss what he could do on a regular basis rather than him picking and choosing when he can be arsed.

I think you are entitled to stay in bed as long as you want! TBH I feel exhausted just reading that. Quite honestly you have a Toddler, a very young baby and are now pregnant.Unless its an immaculate conception then he has had a good time ! Now comes the hard bit .HE should be getting up early ,not you FFS!

@JHMJHM

Genuine question here-given that things are difficult now, why did you both think having a third child was wise? See it so often on MN. People struggling in their relationships/family life yet having more and more kids. Its really irresponsible in my opinion!

Presumably you're off round to the OP's gaff to show her how to pop the third child back?

I don't understand why either of you have to get up so early when he works for himself and you are on maternity leave.

I think people (generally) can be a bit OTT about getting up early. OP, you are clearly not getting enough sleep so YANBU.

Look we see it again and again on here. People who find parenting a massive struggle. Break ups, divorces, resentment, exhaustion. We need frank and open discussions about how having too many children is a shit idea. No, the OP cant change it now but that wont stop me from having this discussion. It isnt fair on the children apart from anything else. 2 years down the line this could be another guy who goes on to have more kids wirh someone else. It happens so often and the kind of faux bemusement about how hard parenting lots of kids is, is kind of ridiculous. We need to educate ourselves and be responsible for decisions. Society is really suffering because of crap parenting. It needs to be talked about.

I don't understand why DH is getting up at 5.45am with a 3yo and taking him out to walk the dog first thing in the morning?

No dog needs to go out at that time, and your DS definitely doesn't need to be dragged out to walk said dog in the pitch black either - that's bonkers. We have a high-energy working breed and today he didn't' go out at all until gone 10am. He didn't explode. When the weather is really bad, sometimes he doesn't go out at all

You could both make mornings' much easier for yourselves if you relaxed your expectations. The dog can cope with a toilet break in the garden - if you don't have a garden then DH can take the dog alone, surely? Why the need to take the 3yo out at that time of day?

The fact he is working such long hours is his choice,he works for himself, he is himself making a rod for his own back and playing the martyr,and we both work for ourselves so I know how it is.i used to work in the city many years ago and cannot tell you how many guys hung around the office playing games, popped to the bar etc, simply because it was easier than going home and being asked to do so and frequently lied to partners

@JHMJHM

Look we see it again and again on here. People who find parenting a massive struggle. Break ups, divorces, resentment, exhaustion. We need frank and open discussions about how having too many children is a shit idea. No, the OP cant change it now but that wont stop me from having this discussion. It isnt fair on the children apart from anything else. 2 years down the line this could be another guy who goes on to have more kids wirh someone else. It happens so often and the kind of faux bemusement about how hard parenting lots of kids is, is kind of ridiculous. We need to educate ourselves and be responsible for decisions. Society is really suffering because of crap parenting. It needs to be talked about.

I do agree with you that it needs to be talked about. But on a thread when OP is already heavily pregnant and asking for advice, it's a bit late in the day (and insensitive) to use this as the thread to jump start that discussion.

When you’re the MD and majority shareholder it’s not a shift. If you think many people that run their own business work 4 or fewer days a week then I suggest it’s you who is not in the real world. If he’s anything like my DH then he’ll do a 5 day week and still have work to bring home over the weekend. No one is saying the OP’s DH has it easy but the simple fact is working a 12 hour day consistently when you own the business is often more about choice than necessity.

And I’m really not sure why you can’t connect the dots between the OP’s (and her DH’s) tiredness, stress and lack of time for themselves and the long hours the DH is out of the house. The OP included the information about her DH’s work pattern and household contributions because these are salient points.

Some of these responses are quite judgy. The early months are the hardest and this is a season that will pass op when the kids are older it will be a ton easier, everyone sleeping through the night for the most part ect! When the kids are older, it will be even more lovely having them close in age. I don’t think you are unreasonable to sleep as much as you can! Congrats on the pregnancy!

icedcoffees Agree totally .Ours is the same! As long as Dogs are walked the majority of the time ,then thats fine IMO .Maybe a refresh of routine is in order ? You take doggy for mid morning stroll ,maybe do your hair the night before if you can /say every 2 /3 days with a refresh dry shampoo in between ? He steps up at the weekends .You get your lie in . Maybe stay in bed 2 or 3 days while he gets ready .And go mad at WE and maybe get up at 9 !(Go mad) Have quick meals in the oven ,or see if he will accept a slow cooker ? That will be good as well .Congrats on the pregnancy .hope all goes well for you ,

Sorry that was @HotPeppasauce2

I had 3 under 2. There was just 10 months between my first 2, found out at my Check up that I was pregnant again.

My best advice to you is to work as a team as best you can. Try to resolve any problems quickly without letting resentment build up. The years ahead are going to be massively full on.

If I were you I'd get up a bit earlier to have your shower.