Another toddler attacked and bit my child's face

[nova99]

Dd attends a local nursery and she came home today with a huge dark red bite mark covering half her cheek. Nursery called me in the afternoon to tell me this had happened. However when I went to collect her she had a the huge (very swollen) bite mark, a scratch on her head, a bloody scratch on her chin and a deep scratch that looks like it had been bleeding in the other side of her face with lots of little scratches around it.
She looks like she's been mauled and I'm absolutely horrified.
Nursery staff told me that another child had done this to her. However they said they could hear her crying and went to find her hiding in her sleep area and saw the marks. They were apologetic, said the child in question had bitten other children that day and they will be talking to the child's parents.
It just doesn't feel like enough. She's only just turned 2. She's a quiet, delicate little thing which makes this all the more heartbreaking.

I'm so angry. It's not like a few little scratches. I'll need to take her to the doctor for the scratch and the bite alone. She complained of pain in her cheek so I gave her calpol.

What can I even do? Who can I even complain to? I know kids rough and tumble but honestly this is something else

@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll

3 days later they called me to the nursery as DS had been biting again, but in reality they wanted to show me what DS had done to the face of the bitter. It was totally covered in scratches and apparently the kid was very upset. Did he bit my child or any other child again? No, the “phase” stopped right there.

Did I understand that right: that they ignored/brushed off all the times that your DS was bitten, but then called you in and made a fuss of it once he retaliated to the biter?

This seems to happen quite a lot, where nurseries and schools will instantly clamp right down on 'good' parents whom they perceive as reasonable and possibly an 'easy win', the moment anything goes wrong; but when they know the parent will be difficult, obstructive and/or deeply unpleasant to deal with, they suddenly raise the bar of what they're willing to overlook significantly.

Yes, that is correct, DS never bit other kids but they called me when he retaliated. I am sure they had words with the bitter’s mum every time her kid went for other kids.

Interestingly, I got to know the mum of the bitter better after that, because after DS shown him he was not to be messed with they became best friends until they both moved to primary school.

My theory is that we expect too much of toddlers who at that stage are not able to communicate with words, don’t understand what an apology really is. Sometimes I think we need to reduce the over reasoning and over analysing and just explains that “stop” means “stop that right now” and send them to the naughty steps or reduce privileges straight away.

@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll

Gosh. What time does the public flogging begin for the biter?

Maybe read the thread? Nobody is blaming a very young child - we're focusing on adults finding ways of stopping one particular behaviour and protecting the other young children.

Pretty arrogant to assume that someone hasn’t read something because it doesn’t fit the pearl clutching narrative some posters have created.

Domineering.

Margaret, I think it’s best to try to moderate feelings and ‘fury’ doesn’t really help. Actually stepping back for a couple of hours or night and then addressing it, often allows people to approach any issues in a more helpful way that will bring better outcomes in future.

There’s a difference between the response the parent has to the other child (biter or aggressor) and to the nursery itself. Sometimes these get jumbled.

Small children can be aggressive and for some it is a phase they will go through. If your children go to a setting with other kids, there’s always the risk they will be with other children like this. Punishing or vilifying the toddlers isn’t the way forward and won’t achieve anything
The key thing is nursery supervision, reporting and how they respond to incidents like this. They should be able to and need to be able to manage aggressive toddlers, to reduce and minimise, although not to fully remove risk. The question is whether they are doing this. Greater supervision and identifying pinch points in the day and doing something about them, and keeping the potentially aggressive child within sight and reach is vital. It is up to the nursery to be able to put his in place so the other children are safe. It’s not good enough to say there aren’t enough staff. It is up to them to make it safer. Even then, an incident can and will occasionally happen, but a totally risk free environment isn’t perfect. Very occasionally, there might be a child who cannot be with other children, as other children cannot be kept safe with the staffing and if that’s the case, places have to decide if they can provide for the needs of the child and all the others too. Usually some adjustments can make it possible.

Op I will tell you a story.

My DD got bitten badly and I was hopping mad. The kid who had done it has a serial biter and I wanted blood.

The problem is that the next week I'm standing there they said there's been a incident and I was like oh no DD been hurt again ready to kick off, and she had bitten him 🙃 unprovoked attack just randomly took a bite out of his arm.

It was the only and only time she has bitten. Certainly took the wind out of my sails that's for sure. It was one of those things toddlers do, they do bite. It swings both ways and to the pp who was trying to insinuate "subtlety" that biters from homes where children are neglected and ignored at home .Your holier than though view makes me fairly definitively sure you are sniffing glue or completely don't understand child development as much as you pretend you do.

However actually in both circumstances I was like ok this is the nursery's responsibility to be watching these guys and that if there's a failing there it's on the nursery not on the toddlers and that isn't one of those things.

However it's not legally actionable (because of how insist people have been on legal/police I actually checked with my aunt who's a lawyer and she had a good laugh)

I would be more alarmed by the screaming at toddlers by staff and lack of watching than a bite from a toddler who is 2 and not magically able to always control temper aka have we all forgotten the terrible twos and what goes into that ?

Also just btw the serial biter and my DD actually best friends now no lasting emotional psychological damage 😏and no more biting because it was just literally a faze.

And yes, the analogy of puppies is correct… there’s no point of explaining them a good few hours later why what they did was wrong as 1) they don’t understand what you are saying and 2) Do you even know what you are talking about? They might have forgotten the event all together as soon as they had something more interesting to do.

@GrandmasCat

And yes, the analogy of puppies is correct… there’s no point of explaining them a good few hours later why what they did was wrong as 1) they don’t understand what you are saying and 2) Do you even know what you are talking about? They might have forgotten the event all together as soon as they had something more interesting to do.

Sorry, that meant to say 2) Do the toddler know what you are talking about?

@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll

All those saying the child who bit needs 1:1 are you going to pay for the extra member of staff? It's horrible but it happens. Lots of children bite. If you're that worried either keep them at home or get a nanny, although your child can still get bitten at soft play, toddler group etc.

Do you also subscribe to the belief that some men attack women: it's just what they do, so if you're that worried about it, you should just stay at home all the time?

I know it's not exactly the same thing, but I'm talking about the principle of that viewpoint.

You are comparing fully grown men who are able to control impulses and make rational choices at all times.

Toddlers do not have this control or the ability to regulate impulses. There's comparing apples and oranges and saying they are all part of a group of fruit.

Then there's doing what you did which is comparing a speed boat to a skateboard and saying they are both modes of transport what do you mean you can't go 100miles per hour on skate board on command 24hrs a day 7 days a week.

bashes head against wall

I don't know why some posters are saying this is normal, where the hell were the staff when this was happening.

It would be hard to blame another 2yr old but it shouldn't just be brushed off as "it's what toddlers do" when a child who is clearly known to bite is left unsupervised with other children long enough to make that much of a mess of someone's face. I personally think you're doing the right thing asking for a full explanation and why you wasn't made aware of how bad it was earlier on in the day.

Don't be ridiculous. The two things aren't comparable.

Hence my closing paragraph.

This is a 2 year old child who doesn't yet have control of their actions. Not a fully grown ass hole. Ffs.

Hence they need to be properly supervised and guided by adults - in exactly the same way as adults keep them away from busy roads and boiling water.

So the 2yo child is now like a busy road or boiling water!

We have only heard one side of this, and we don't actually know what the nursery did, what was going on at the time for it to be able to happen, how they propose to deal with the biting child in future (and of course, they can't be promising 1:1 supervision).

Pretty arrogant to assume that someone hasn’t read something because it doesn’t fit the pearl clutching narrative some posters have created.

I just assumed you were responding to the ongoing discussion, as people usually do, except you seemed to be responding to something that nobody had said and that wasn't even suggested in the OP. - especially as your comment was (I really hope) sarcastic, which is a figure of speech usually used in response to something that others have said to which you disagree.

Interesting that you consider wanting to protect children from being assaulted to the extent that they run away and hide from it at nursery 'pearl clutching', though.

And yes, the analogy of puppies is correct… there’s no point of explaining them a good few hours later why what they did was wrong as 1) they don’t understand what you are saying and 2) Do you even know what you are talking about? They might have forgotten the event all together as soon as they had something more interesting to do.

To be fair, though, if a dog bites a person (other than an 'affectionate nip' to their owner), they are often just taken and destroyed without any attempt to change their behaviour....

The 2 things that most stand out for me are why wasn't the biter being closely supervised, given that he'd bitten earlier in the day, and why the general supervision was so poor the staff had to actually go and look for OP's DD when they heard her crying.

It also sounds as though the phone call to OP didn't really cover the extent of the injuries, as OP says there were at least 3 significant scratches as well as the bite. I would have been unhappy about that.

I'd start with a straightforward request for a copy of the incident report, OP. It might be more revealing if the nursery don't know the specific details of your concerns yet.

As PP's have said, get the bite checked at minor injuries. Hypercal cream (from Boots or health food shop) will help healing and reduce the extent of any scarring.

Assumed. Seemed. Hoped. All based on your interpretation.

Cute but transparent.

You are comparing fully grown men who are able to control impulses and make rational choices at all times.

Toddlers do not have this control or the ability to regulate impulses. There's comparing apples and oranges and saying they are all part of a group of fruit.

No - I clearly stated that they were not the same, but that I was addressing the principle of accepting unacceptable behaviour and restricting yourself as a means of dealing with it. Of course, the treatment of a biting toddler and a violent man would be extremely different in nature, but their behaviours both still need to be addressed and not simply ignored.

@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll

And yes, the analogy of puppies is correct… there’s no point of explaining them a good few hours later why what they did was wrong as 1) they don’t understand what you are saying and 2) Do you even know what you are talking about? They might have forgotten the event all together as soon as they had something more interesting to do.

To be fair, though, if a dog bites a person (other than an 'affectionate nip' to their owner), they are often just taken and destroyed without any attempt to change their behaviour....

Not when they are 10 -12 week old puppies (roughly the same -developmental stage as a toddler), they aren't.

So the 2yo child is now like a busy road or boiling water!

No, not the 2yo child - the 2yo child's behaviour in this instance. Danger and hurt can come from all directions - it's up to us as parents and carers to protect our children from it.

"I came to the point that I thought it wasn’t fair for my child and others to be constantly attacked by a violent kid who was never going to learn how painful a bite is until he got a good dose of his own medicine."

If someone had bitten ds back he wouldn't have got the connection. At 3 he was cognitively less than 1 year old.

Assumed. Seemed. Hoped. All based on your interpretation.

Cute but transparent.

Fair enough, then, I apologise for misinterpreting you and making crass assumptions as to your reasoning and manner of speech.

In which case, I simply wish to say that I thoroughly disagree with your expectation that such behaviour from a toddler would/should(?) lead to a public flogging - and I will leave it there.

Don’t be so ridiculous.

@ldfdyjxzyjkv

It is a private nursery there will be terms about behaviour that will enable them to withdraw the service.

🤣 - in response to your very OTT post about exclusion and suing. Dramatics at their finest.

@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll no one destroys a puppy for biting! All of our puppies have been a bit nippy at first, some even drawing blood! They all grew out of it.

@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll

Out of interest, for parents of 'forceful' biters: how would you feel if YOUR child was the one to get hurt, whether through being bitten, scratched, hit, pushed by another child, or in another way where adult supervisors 'losing' (i.e. actually 'having to find them') and not constantly watching them resulted in misadventure?

Would you genuinely brush it off as 'just a risk that babies and toddlers face', or would you be furious too?

Both my dds have been bitten at various times at nursery, and the younger also went through a (thankfully very short) biting phase.

On all occasions, the nursery was able to tell me what happened - invariably it happens in half a second and no one can stop something that happens that fast.

Small children get frustrated at times, part of nursery is learning about how to manage that frustration and acceptable behaviour around other people.

If someone had suggested that I needed a child psychologist, the police, or told me I needed to leave my job for my 2 yo because she bit someone when she was frustrated, I would have thought they had lost it. Same when my dd was bitten - thanks nursery for letting me know, it's just one of those things.

My DS is now 23 months but from around 16-20 months he went through a biting phase.

He was so unpredictable, he's gentle and kind to other children would be playing lovely and then would suddenly bite.

I mean I felt absolutely bloody shit about it & kept a close eye on him. I always told him off & removed him from the situation but seriously what more could I do? He's 1 - I can't reason with him.

He suddenly had a development leap & can now basically talk in sentences. He's stopped. He was clearly frustrated around communication.

I am not a bad parent and he isn't a bad kid. All toddlers have unwanted behaviours at one stage or another.

I'd be upset my kid was hurt too but calm down before you do anything because the person on the other end of this is a child.

I think you'd be reasonable to ask how the nursery are going to supervise to try and keep everyone safe and try and prevent it happening again but beyond that there's not a lot they can do.

I’m really torn with this on the one hand your child should not be injured at the hands of another child and deserves to be safe in their environment.
On the other hand when you use a private nursery you are not paying for 1:1 supervision, you are accepting a 1:3 - 1:5 ratio dependant on age and inevitably toddlers do savage each other every so often.

My 5mo has suffered multiple small injuries at the hands of her 19mo brother despite me being right there, hell I was actually holding her one time he klonked her out of nowhere so it really can happen in such a split second it’s impossible to stop unless you totally separate kids.

Would I be upset if my 2yo got hurt like yours - yes
Would I be upset if my 2yo had ‘action taken’ because one day they’d hurt your 2yo - yes (they’re two they don’t understand what they’re doing)

My suggestion would be, if you want 1:1 either hire a nanny or stay home. If neither of these are
Possible or financially viable then you’ll need to accept other toddlers might hurt yours and there’s very little the nursery can do about it.