Another toddler attacked and bit my child's face

[nova99]

Dd attends a local nursery and she came home today with a huge dark red bite mark covering half her cheek. Nursery called me in the afternoon to tell me this had happened. However when I went to collect her she had a the huge (very swollen) bite mark, a scratch on her head, a bloody scratch on her chin and a deep scratch that looks like it had been bleeding in the other side of her face with lots of little scratches around it.
She looks like she's been mauled and I'm absolutely horrified.
Nursery staff told me that another child had done this to her. However they said they could hear her crying and went to find her hiding in her sleep area and saw the marks. They were apologetic, said the child in question had bitten other children that day and they will be talking to the child's parents.
It just doesn't feel like enough. She's only just turned 2. She's a quiet, delicate little thing which makes this all the more heartbreaking.

I'm so angry. It's not like a few little scratches. I'll need to take her to the doctor for the scratch and the bite alone. She complained of pain in her cheek so I gave her calpol.

What can I even do? Who can I even complain to? I know kids rough and tumble but honestly this is something else

Sounds like they weren’t supervising the children, how did they have to go and find her! This is 2 year old not 4 year olds.
My kids and bitten and been bitten but never had to situation where a member of staff in a nursery didn’t see what was going on!

Saying ‘these things happen’ absolutely is not good enough. As other pp have said there needs to be a plan in place between nursery and parents of the biting child. The nursery need to assure you that this is in place

Sorry this happened to your child, I used to run a day nursery so I’d like to suggest a few things.

Firstly, the eyfs says the child needs to be within sight or sound of an adult, so you can get some clarity as where she was and who was in the vicinity of her. Where were the staff placed and what were they doing.

But I’d be asking: what were the ratios at the time of the incident? Were people out the room? Changing nappies? Lunch? What were they doing?

Unfortunately, biting happens all the time, and once a child had bitten once they tend to do it again. They are also very very quick, and as much as you want to, a child can not be supervised 100% of the time, even with a one to one.

I used to look after a child who had to have 2 staff looking after him as he was so fast, and you can’t just grab them when they run so he had two members of staff to protect the other children.

However the nursery is unlikely to get funding for a 1-1 for a good few months, so in the meantime what’s the plan. Now they might tell you they will use existing members of staff, this you need to question. Where is this staff member coming from? Is it a staff member from the room? Are they still keyworking other children. Are they reducing the ratios for other child?

My experience is they will tell you he will have a one to one, but it’s not a true one to one, it will be an Existing staff member who will be given the job of watching the child for a couple of weeks, things will get better and they will go back to the previous job, and the same issues will arise. A nursery is very unlikely to fund a one to one out of their own accounts, and I’m not sure they should. So when people suggest extra measures, I would question what the extra methods are, but how are they being funded? Or what is being sacrificed elsewhere.

The parents of the biter, well they won’t really do anything, tbh at 2 there isn’t much they can do.

But from my experience, once a child starts biting they don’t just do it once, they do it again and again.
The other days I was bitten twice on the hand in a 3 hour session stopping a child biting another.

In all honesty I would remove my child because it will happen again and again.

Just to add, the nursery do have to consider confidentially. However you are within your rights to ask a general question about your child will be protected, and logistically how they will do this.

I would also check with them daily whether this has been carried out. If they manage to somehow get another member of staff, I can guarantee that as soon as a staff member is sick, the one to one will be moved to cover them.

Do you want the child put down or something?

I'm gonna be a bit of a dick here and say that if children are biting others severely enough that they cause multiple injuries, their parents should front the costs of 1:1 in nursery, until their kid doesn't bite others. It's not acceptable for other children to be injured this way.

I'm with you on that.

Of course, a child of that age shouldn't be blamed or punished, but if he isn't safe to be with other children, he has to be removed from being able to attack them. The fact that he's already done it at least three times in one day - not even 'just' a nip but a full-on assault (yes, I know that wasn't his intention at his age - but it was the result) is horrifying.

If somebody came on here and said they were left cowering, hiding in a corner, because of physical pain that a colleague had inflicted on them (having already done it to others), not a single person would be minimising or excusing it. The perpetrator could lack capacity in any of various ways, and therefore punishment/sanctions might not be appropriate at all - but not one person would be suggesting that the poster - an adult - should have to put up with this. And yet, when it comes to a tiny child, apparently many think she just needs to 'get on with it' and wait in permanent fear to be assaulted.

It's not about punishing a small child - it's about protecting other small children.

I'm not saying all children at all, but I don wonder if sometimes this is a result of parents not showing patience and paying their children attention enough. As a PP said, with many parents leaving a device to 'parent' their child, surely biting is often as much attention-seeking, as well as maybe frustration at being slow with language or other development.

It's one thing struggling to communicate with a parent/adult carer when they're giving you attention and encouragement, but quite another when you don't even have their attention in the first place.

I'm not even just talking about biters here: I frequently see parents ignoring their kids - often on their own phones - and then getting angry at the kid for either 'disturbing' them to get their attention or for getting into danger, that would not have happened if the parent (or carer) had been supervising them properly in the first place.

It's neglectful and, imho, abusive, to leave a small child unwatched, to get themselves into danger - and then to shout at them for your severe lack of basic care and supervision of them.

Oh gosh OP I'm so sorry to hear this. That sounds awful and I'd feel exactly the same. I have no answers but wanted to say I don't think you're being unreasonable at all - I imagine these things do happen, regularly, but that won't make it better. Hope she heals soon - if they don't say they'll watch this child extremely closely I'd move moving my DD.

I'm with you , OP. People are minimising the issue. Definitely go to your GP. My son was bitten multiple times by other children in nursery when he was your daughters age. One of the bites was deep enough to leave a permanent scar. I hope your daughters face will clear up. Xx

*I DO wonder

*I'd be moving (seem to have lost the ability to type this morning)

What concerns me is that they "found her"... Did they hear her crying and then notice the injuries? Why didn't they see exactly where she went when they were watching her and presumably saw what happened? The amount of injuries you describe don't sound like they'd happen in a flash, I'd be angry too.

I would be raging OP. Not because a toddler bites, but because the nursery knew the toddler bites, had bitten once that day already and had been left unsupervised.

You need to know that the biting DC will be watched like a hawk from now on, and never ever left alone with your DC.

Whatever the rights and wrongs of it and what should be done, if this happened to my child, they would not be going back to that place again - and neither would I be honouring any contracts or notice periods to pay them any more money. The contract is to look after my child and keep them safe: if they haven't done this - THEY have broken the contract, not me.

Depressing reading all the minimising.

OP this is not normal but your choices are basically to leave the nursery or stay. You can pressure the nursery to supervise better and keep the biting child further apart but if the nursery staff are on the “this is normal” team then I doubt much will change.

I’ve known four biting toddlers. The first started doing it the week affer his mum went from being with him 100% of the time to being at work 14 hrs a day 5 days a week. The second started doing it when his mum decided to follow a new super strict regime if naughty steps and time outs etc. The third started doing it when the mym had a new baby. The fourth turned out to have adhd and autism, we learned later.

I’m no expert but I don’t see biting as a normal stage, to me it looks like an expression of rage in response to the child feeling powerless and angry, usually in changed circumstances.

Out of interest, for parents of 'forceful' biters: how would you feel if YOUR child was the one to get hurt, whether through being bitten, scratched, hit, pushed by another child, or in another way where adult supervisors 'losing' (i.e. actually 'having to find them') and not constantly watching them resulted in misadventure?

Would you genuinely brush it off as 'just a risk that babies and toddlers face', or would you be furious too?

I'm sorry but these things happen in nursery.

While I agree these things happen, they should only happen once, if the child is a known biter then they should never be left unattended where they could maul another child’s face.

Personally I’d be making a complaint to Ofstead nursery complaints and be having serious words with the nursery manager in what steps they are taking to ensure this does not happen again.

Oh your poor DD! I know this sort of thing happens in young children but I'd be distraught if my child came home with bites and scratches on them!
I would say to ask the nursery what measures they are going to take to prevent this happening again but you said you've had problems with them in the past, so I might consider changing nurseries. That's not to say there won't be a biter there too though.

What next? Name and shame the child? Go to the daily mail?

@webuiltthisbuffetonsausageroll

My oldest DC bit severely once and my youngest DC has been bitten twice in 8 weeks by two different children. Having been the parent of a biter has made me more empathetic to how sudden and unexpectedly it can happen.

I focused on exactly the same thing both times which was how the setting was going to ensure it wouldn't be able to keep happening (different settings).

The child is 2 and this thread is insane at how a very very young child is being spoken about. The nursery need to ensure the biter is within Arms reach at all times.

Parents who have been both sides it in my experience are far more understanding.

Hope your DD Is okay. That is awful and I really feel for you. It upset me when I read that she went to hide in her sleeping place. It’s not good enough.

I took my child for settling into a local nursery a while ago when she was 1.5 (6 years old now) on recommendation that the nursery was amazing by my friend whose DS went there. The things I saw whilst settling her in were awful! They DO NOT look after the kid’s as well as you would expect. It really broken my head seeing what I saw. The staff were literally young girls with no kids of their own and you could sense lack of bond. I had paid one month advance and a deposit but I took her out, didn’t care about the money. I still regret being a coward and making excuses to staff snd friend rather than the real reason.

I still think should I have told friend but she would have maybe thought I was being crazy.

• broke my heart not “broken my head” lol

These things happen but I'd be concerned they didn't spot the incident as it happened and the other child had enough time to do multiple injuries. They're young so there should be enough staff on hand watching to notice

I think part of the issue is that OP's daughter went to a corner and hid after it happened, whereas another child would scream or run to a teacher. It's just a lot of things working together to have created this unfortunate situation. Nurseries are very, very hectic. Maybe it was also nappy changing time, or someone had weed on the floor and getting cleaned up, or even just trying to clear up from a messy play. It's totally impossible to watch everyone at all times because that would require 1:1 for every child and wouldn't actually be good for the children. This is why accidents happen, and they do. My DS got whacked with a pipe in nursery (3 year olds) which burst open his cheek and he still has the scar at 12. It was a school nursery of an excellent school. I didn't make anyone feel bad about it. They were so apologetic and even though I hadn't worked in nurseries at that point, I understood how unpredictable and energetic children are.

I agree, that on one level biting happens. It happens in settings where adults are meeting all the ratios and supervising exactly as they should, and who follow their procedures and record the incident and put in place a proper plan to try to minimise the risk in future.

This is a reality and most parents will be understandably upset it’s happened, but also reassured when they are told about the ratios in place and that it happened even with supervision, and will be further reassured by an accident report and proper plan of action to reduce risk.

It is more worrying when all the above isn’t in place. The description of the event is vague and suggests poor supervision, poor recording and no specific plan going forward. It is these later issues I would be mentioning and addressing, not the biting itself, which unformtnarley can happen in any setting. Sadly, because these things aren’t properly in place (as far as we know…hopefully they might turn out to be and actually this was a case of poor communication about the incident) it is more likely to happen again. That’s where the real concern lies.

They were apologetic, said the child in question had bitten other children that day and they will be talking to the child's parents.
They are not doing their jobs, if one child is attacking multiple children that child needs to be separated from the others for their protection. One incident in a day might happen, toddlers sometimes bite, after the second that child's parents should be required to collect their child immediately.