To think that *some* men need to just STOP doing this?!

[perplexedandvexed]

Ok firstly I'll start by saying I know that this is not ALL men. However I myself have experienced it on numerous occasions and now my 12 year old daughter has too.

Please, men of the internet, STOP SENDING YOUR DICK TO PEOPLE WHO HAVE NOT ASKED FOR IT

My daughter is 12 and after much deliberation we allowed her to have an Instagram account on the proviso that I have full access to it at any point. Before anyone has a go for letting her have one, the majority of her friends have them and the ones that aren't allowed them still have them just without their parents knowing.
We're very close and open about most things so she's happy to let me have full access and always shows me if anyone messages her.
She mainly uses it for looking at pictures of dogs and following her favourite music artists etc.
She started getting messages off a guy she did not know, he had no pictures of himself on his profile but all fairly innocent posts - scenic views/ some pumpkins at Halloween/ a couple of dog pics.
His messages just said 'hi' and 'I like your dog'
She did not reply and then gets sent a picture of his rather unimpressive penis in an excitable state. From the photo he sent, he looks no older than 16/17
She immediately replied with 'eww that's grim, I'm only 12 and I'm telling my Mum' which she did. The account immediately got deleted after that so I'm assuming the little wet wipe panicked but JUST WHY? I have reported but doubt anything will get done.

I too have had several sent to me on various platforms, all seemingly normal men and then all of a sudden - HERE, have a picture of a random part of my anatomy that you didn't ask to see.

What can we do to educate boys/ men that this is the biggest turn off and that no self respecting woman gives a shit about seeing some random strangers worm dick?

Sorry, I don't really know what I'm hoping to get from this post I just wanted to vent.

@waterrat
Suggest you read the whole thread? The DD was not letting random people follow her. She mistook the person for a classmate by accident. So only 1 person she allowed to follow her was an unknown and it was only because of an honest mistake. Her DD only lets people she knows in real life follow her. She is following basic rules.

@waterrat

It is very concerning that anyone would describe absolutely vital rules as victim blaming. The 12 year old is not to blame in any way for the man's behaviour but it is absolutely integral to protecting minors on the Internet that they never ever interact with strangers.

She should not have an Instagram account at an age where she is letting random men online follow her and thus could have been far far worse if he had slowly groomed her.

You must report him to the police he may be grooming other children.

So then she gets sent a dick pic at 13 instead.

If you think you can protect minors from interacting with strangers online then you have fundamentally failed to grasp how the internet works.

She let someone she thought was a boy from her school follow her. Not ‘random men’.

@waterrat

I understand that this issue is very scary for parents. But blaming the kids or the parents is a knee jerk reaction to try to convince yourself your kids will be safe and this won’t happen to them.

if you genuinely believe that your kids can be protected from strangers online, they are in more danger rather than less.

How old are they?

When we tell girls to stay off the internet we are making it a place for boys only and things will never change.

Every time a girl is put off gaming because of the abuse she receives we are giving boys an advantage.

We need more girls and women in public spaces not less.

@waterrat

It is very concerning that anyone would describe absolutely vital rules as victim blaming. The 12 year old is not to blame in any way for the man's behaviour but it is absolutely integral to protecting minors on the Internet that they never ever interact with strangers.

She should not have an Instagram account at an age where she is letting random men online follow her and thus could have been far far worse if he had slowly groomed her.

You must report him to the police he may be grooming other children.

So what do you think will have in 6months time when the dd is 13yo and ‘allowed’ to be on IG?

Is she suddenly becoming immune to those photos?

The solution is not to tell a 12yo not to ne on IG. The solution is for. Men to spend being twats and send dick pic. To ANYONE.

@category12

It's really not about trying to get positive attention from women or thinking it'll get them laid.

They do it for the same reason a flasher does it.
No flasher in existence has ever thought "this'll get me laid".
It's about shock value, not trying to be sexy.

This. It's vile.

Just the same as men who honk their horns at girls and women / catcall them don't think the girl / woman will respond by wanting to shag them. I realised this in my 20s - they enjoy us looking frightened / uncomfortable / scared and being angry with us if we don't respond how they want. "Stuck up bitch" etc if you tell them to fuck off instead of looking scared.

It's terrifying. Sometimes I don't know if I'm more scared of having girls or boys if I become a parent.

When we tell girls to stay off the internet

Turn the word girls to children. Turn the word internet to social media.

What happens bw 12 and 13 is the child gains an extra year of maturity, a year's more awareness of the world, slightly better impulse control etc. By your arguement we should just abandon age ratings all together because "what difference does a year or two make?"

Just addressing your main point OP- I'm sure that a few men do send pictures of their genitals to gain approval, but I suspect that for many of them it's the thrill of frightening or shocking the receiver without the risk of going out and flashing someone. I would bet money that any man who is sending pictures like this to a girl who is quite obviously a child from the information on her Instagram profile is not doing it for any kind of approval but because they are a pervert and want to expose themselves to a child. And their motivation is likely very different to the motivation of a man who sends a picture to a woman he's been messaging on a dating app.

It absolutely IS pathetic behaviour but the fact that we perceive it that way (and I do too, as an adult receiving them) doesn't mean that the intent isn't aggressive. I think it's quite dangerous to assume that it's just a sad man desperate for a woman's approval- I'm not directing that at you personally, but I think society in general can minimise things like flashing when they are actually really intrusive and aggressive acts, whether they make the receiver feel threatened or not.

So sorry your daughter had this experience

The murderer of Shana Grice was a long standing sender of unsolicited dick pics. The fact that he continually got away with it gave him courage to increase his dangerous behaviour.

To put Shana Grice’s murder in context - he was her ex-bf and he had stalked 13 other women.

But yes, flashing is linked to escalating sex offences in some men.

Many of the women he stalked - he started with sending dick pics.

Not disputing, just saying the woman he murdered was someone he had been in a relationship with. He got away with stalking and harassment as well as dick pics.

I also think that it's human nature to try and make sense of behaviours that make no sense to people who think and behave decently. Sending unsolicited dick pics is horrendous behaviour, but wanting approval from others is a motivation that is common among most people so we attach that motivation to it as a way to explain it to ourselves. It's harder to get our heads around the idea that it's to shock or frighten because most of us can't imagine wanting to deliberately shock or disgust someone, let alone getting a sexual thrill out of it.

I expect education will go some way to decreasing this sort of thing but I don't think that will stop men who do it because they enjoy thinking that they're frightening or repulsing women. It should be a crime, and cracked down on hard. I suppose the first step towards that is acknowledging that it's aggressive, harmful behaviour.

My friend got sent a dick pic which for some reason she sent to me

I did a reverse image search on it cos I'm a nosey cow and it wasn't even his, he'd took it off a gay porn site!

I agree with the previous posters, it's an aggressive act and men should call out those who do it - absolutely vile that young girls are being subjected to this shit.

There was a story on my local FB a few days ago about a man in his 60s pulling alongside an 8 year old in his car and started saying inappropriate things to her before driving off. Really fucking sick of hearing shit like this - bet he drove home to his wife, and maybe grandkids. Just disgusting, they need putting down!

I hope your daughter is ok OP - I'd be proud of her for telling you straightaway, I think I would've been too mortified to tell my mum.

It's the modern equivalent of the scabby old man in a trench coat jumping out from behind a bush to flash you.

It used to be the occasional odd bloke people other men looked down on , now a large majority of them are at it and can't quite join the dots between themselves and the nasty old perv in a raincoat.

But no fucking Instagram!!!! It's useless and a modern day cancer.

I don't know why anyone would say this. Instagram is lots of things. I follow jewellers, a chateau in restauration, friends, a couple of historians, something astronomical and a band.
It's not the app it's the way it's used.

If you're letting her use social media you need to make her account private and regularly check who she is following and who is following her. I've been using Instagram since it first started and have never been sent a dick pic. I did online dating at one time and never got sent a dick pic there either.

@StrangeLookingParasite

But no fucking Instagram!!!! It's useless and a modern day cancer.

I don't know why anyone would say this. Instagram is lots of things. I follow jewellers, a chateau in restauration, friends, a couple of historians, something astronomical and a band.
It's not the app it's the way it's used.

I agree. I am part of the most amazing art community because if Instagram.

It doesn't matter if your 12 or 122..... I have been sent loads I just reply with a sarcastic reply. Its sad in this day and age that men think this is acceptable.

@StrangeLookingParasite

But no fucking Instagram!!!! It's useless and a modern day cancer.

I don't know why anyone would say this. Instagram is lots of things. I follow jewellers, a chateau in restauration, friends, a couple of historians, something astronomical and a band.
It's not the app it's the way it's used.

I agree also. It work wonders for small businesses, artists & creatives as well.

@FOJN because not all men send dick pix. Some refers to the ones that do?

They do it for the same reason a flasher does it. No flasher in existence has ever thought "this'll get me laid".

Exactly. It’s just flashing via another medium - cyberflashing. It’s an act of sexual aggression and it’s a power play.

OP-

I see there's a lot of shouldn't let children of X age have this that, should look over shoulder at all times, etc etc.

I find this approach a real cop out tbh. The fact it's the one always used by men when anything even slightly suggesting so much as an extra click to see the content that is standard these days. Should tell us something.

Accepting that men/ boys well loads do X not anything anyone can do about that.

So it's up to individual parents (generally mothers IME) to... Not allow devices that can access internet.... Use various software and keep it updated... Regularly check phones for anything and everything (apps not allowed, secret email addresses, check full history, sit and watch all time using, somehow disable incognito mode, somehow find software that is designed not to be found, etc etc etc).

Is satisfying. But has various massive issues-

1. Parental knowledge and competence
2. Including hacker level knowledge of finding things designed not to be found
3. Parents give a shit
4. Doesn't help with friends phones etc
5. The steps to take to be watertight are either going to mean the child is totally out the loop with what all the other kids are doing / is a massive pita and time sink
6. Whoever this boy/ man was they merrily keep essentially flashing all and sundry

So the men and boys have free rein. It's not their fault at all.

Very much same as RL when girl is flashed etc so many people first reaction is. What were you doing there. Why didn't you take the long route. Why didn't you run away? Are you sure that's what he was doing? How near were you? Are you sure he wasn't just having a wee? Blah blah blah.

Yes of course everyone should do what they can to minimise risks for girls from creeps.

In the end though. Surely though the creeps just having no risk or come back at all. And it's all the fault of child/ mum (dad?). Is crappy.

I remember ages ago in the news a girl maybe 13 had some random persuade her to take top off.
After went straight told mum.
Mum told police.
Police said may arrest her for distributing pics of underage.
In none of the news articles did it mention the bloke at all. I'd say he sounds really really dodgy and must have a very effective way of getting this. Doubt was first time he'd done it.
No mention even of. Looked to see if could find him but can't.
Nothing said about him at all.

About 50% of MN posts said Police response good. Arrest her. Teach her a lesson. Make her scared. That'll punish her for being stupid.

All I learnt from the article was. Don't go to police about anything like that. And I'm sure that's the message loads of others got.

Is this where we want to be?