To say you’re absolutely entitled to get married on a Thursday BUT…

[0verth1inker]

You CANNOT be annoyed if people can’t come due to work/children etc etc?

DH is in a group of friends who seem to have set a precedent for Thursday weddings- we have 3 in the next year. We have 3 kids two in primary and one in private nursery. We can make two weddings work with a lot of effort (both our parents work full time and live over and hour away so finding a weekday babysitter to ferry 3 kids around from 2 setting, feed them, look after them overnight then take them all back the next day is a BIG ask).

However, we have had no end of grief from the wedding we can’t come. We are not making the effort, they came to our wedding (a Saturday), they’re v close friends. I feel bad but surely that’s the risk with weekday weddings? Not only that but they’ve all had stag/hen dos abroad so with the wedding each one is 4-5 days annual leave which just isn’t possible. We want to use our leave to spend with our children. Generally I don’t mind taking a day (often weddings are a Friday or we have to travel) for a wedding or long weekend for stag/hen but it’s just ridiculous.

NB: I don’t disagree or have an issue with Thursday weddings at all on principle. I understand it’s a lot cheaper and with covid rearrangements often the only option. I just think those getting married mid week need to adjust expectations and realise it’s a MASSIVE ask for those working with kids?!

YANBU but surely DH can still attend the third wedding and you can sort the children (given that it’s his friend)

He doesn’t have the A/L @BasementIdeas!

I agree! SIL kicked up a fuss about basically everything about our wedding (held on a Saturday) and then didnt come. her wedding was on a Thursday because the venue was significantly cheaper and had we done that, she'd have had a fit. guests should be under no obligation to attend any wedding.

If I was getting married on a weekday then I'd expect a smaller wedding tbh;I'd expect very close family to do their absolute best to come but otherwise I'd personally do a very small ceremony/wedding breakfast and then maybe an evening reception from 6ish onwards who people who want to bring children

YANBU in the slightest and I'm sure you won't be the only guests who can't make it because the logistics are just too complex

@thenewduchessofhastings

If I was getting married on a weekday then I'd expect a smaller wedding tbh;I'd expect very close family to do their absolute best to come but otherwise I'd personally do a very small ceremony/wedding breakfast and then maybe an evening reception from 6ish onwards who people who want to bring children

Thats school age kids btw who can't attend during the day

YANBU
‘An invite is not a summons’ is trotted out on here all the time but in reality it’s very common for brides and grooms to impose all kinds of unreasonable rules/factors on a wedding (children, day, time, location…etc) and then get really affronted when people decline. It’s the epitome of it’s not all about you

I won’t take more than 2 days annual leave for anything other than school holiday. My brother is getting married next year, thankfully in the school holidays with kids invited (hallelujah) but I’ve already notified my lovely SIL to be that I can’t use more than a day or two AL for hen party etc as I need to cover school holiday for my sons nursery. I work PT so have just enough holiday to cover school hols

Do you have to stay overnight?

Yanbu

And you have 3 wedding invites for a Thursday this year!

Yanbu to decline and yanbu to eyeroll if B&G complain at you as it's their call to have a Thursday wedding when you have children and work

Your answer to any arguing is
"Don't have the annual leave for it - already used any spare on x and y's wedding days. Can't do everything, we have school aged children that have to come first. Wish you a happy day though"

People don't seem to realise that school aged children have 13+ weeks of school holiday a year for working parents to giver and almost a week of inset days ... every AL day counts...

I wouldn't go to hen or stag Do's if they are long elaborate affairs and take me away from my DCs for more than a night

@0verth1inker

He doesn’t have the A/L *@BasementIdeas*!

Unless this was dropped on you at very short notice, I think its pretty sad that he wouldn't prioritise a close friends wedding for his annual leave.

I'd prioritise all the actual weddings over any of the stags. Surely he can find a day's leave to watch his close friend get married?

YANBU.
I feel like this about child-free weddings, weddings abroad, weekday weddings. All fine, but don’t be surprised or cross that some people can’t make it.

@mrsm43s I do get that- it would be 2 days leave as it’s 2 hours from where we/they live so he’d have to stay over and wouldn’t be back to start work at 8.
Having divided up the school hols between us and then leave for inset days, other weddings on Fridays etc we don’t have enough even for a family holiday all at once this year even. It’s crap.

@SickAndTiredAgain

YANBU. I feel like this about child-free weddings, weddings abroad, weekday weddings. All fine, but don’t be surprised or cross that some people can’t make it.

I agree. One of the weddings is in the school hols which would have been better except kids not invited. So another pain. I get it- your wedding your way! But guests have lives 😂

I agree. No problem with people having mid-week weddings, but they should realise that other than very very close family, attending is unlikely to be the main priority for guests who need to take annual leave/find childcare.

I know a couple who arranged a Saturday afternoon wedding a long time in advance, then about 2 months before the wedding found out that it would have been about half the price mid-week so changed it to Thursday morning. They were really annoyed that loads of the guests said they couldn't make the new date and fell out with them. It could have been a really lovely small wedding, but they didn't seem to have changed any of their plans for the change in numbers (huge room with loads of seats out, evening disco hours after the wedding/main meal etc). It was really odd- there were settings for about 70 but only about 25 people there, and the speeches all focussed on how selfish the rest of the family were for not being there. A few extra people came after work for the disco, but were pretty much told to get lost by the groom.

Unless this was dropped on you at very short notice, I think its pretty sad that he wouldn't prioritise a close friends wedding for his annual leave.

This year though, with kids having to have a lot more time off due to covid, AL could easily be in short supply. Until the summer holidays, everyone had to isolate if someone in the household tested positive. So if you weren’t ill, but couldn’t work because you had kids at home, that could be a week and half of AL gone. If your child developed symptoms towards the end of their isolation period and so had to stay off even longer, you could be at over two weeks. Obviously I don’t know if this was a factor here, but AL isn’t always up to you.

@mrsm43s
You haven't read OPs post at all

It's not one wedding it's 3 Thursday weddings in one year

It's not one days AlL it'd be at least 2 days AL each per wedding (Thursday and Friday) as requires overnight stay or late night . And that's not including if they need U.K. travel there too.

That's 6 days AL in one year each or 12 days- taking out 2 weeks of their AL - which they may need for their DCs school holidays civet between them and presuming they'd like at least one holiday together as a family (13+ weeks a year to cover remember?)

Its good that OP and DH are going to any of their friends Thursday weddings !

I both agree and disagree with you OP. There is always a chance people can't make it, but it is the same with weekend weddings. There are still people who work weekends and have kids, like the people who wait on at weddings, people who work in shops etc. So I think it is a risk you have to take whatever day you book your wedding on.

Cross posted with OPs reply to the PP!

We don't even have children and I still wouldn't be too happy with having to use annual leave for 3 weddings in one year - DP doesn't get nearly as much annual leave as I do, my family live far away so we often have to take leave to visit, and would want some time for a holiday too. I probably wouldn't attend all of the weddings either.

“I think its pretty sad that he wouldn't prioritise a close friends wedding for his annual leave.

I'd prioritise all the actual weddings over any of the stags. Surely he can find a day's leave to watch his close friend get married?”

No way would my DH prioritise a wedding over his commitments to our family - we have school holidays to cover, actual family holiday, visits to family further away… maybe he’d use one AL day for a wedding, but certainly not enough to cover 3 Thursday weddings!

We literally have no annual leave spare apart from for being with our own children in school holidays. Anyone who gets married on a weekday is getting a no from me.

YANBU - but it seems that you’re unlucky(?) with 3 mid-week weddings in a year!
People need to decide whether they value an Instagram worthy venue or people’s presence more. Alternatively If they want both just pay the money.

YANBU. Midweek weddings are a pain in the arse for everyone except the couple getting married. The last one we went to the Bride was annoyed that there wasn't really a party atmosphere as hardly anyone was drinking. Then she cried when people started leaving at around 9pm because they wanted to get home as they had to be up for work the next day.

Also it really depends - first to get married can have a midweek weddings, last to get married will have loads of families with kids. That’s just how life works really

[quote 0verth1inker]@mrsm43s I do get that- it would be 2 days leave as it’s 2 hours from where we/they live so he’d have to stay over and wouldn’t be back to start work at 8.
Having divided up the school hols between us and then leave for inset days, other weddings on Fridays etc we don’t have enough even for a family holiday all at once this year even. It’s crap.[/quote]
Actually, 2 hours drive away could easily be done in one day! Your DH wouldn't get to drink or to stay to the very end of the party maybe, but absolutely doable to drive 2 hours home at the end...if he wanted to!

Plenty of school holiday childcare around, so send your kids to holiday club for a week so that you have a bit of extra leave spare! (do any parents where both parents work and they don't have any family help with childcare really manage without using holiday clubs at all?)

OK, no, obviously you don't have to do that. You don't have to do anything at all. But, be honest, you could do it, you just don't care enough to. And that probably hurts the close friend getting married. And that is why they're upset. (And particularly if you're choosing the other weddings and also going to the other stag/hen dos).

It is of course your/your DHs choice. But if I was a close friend, I'd be hurt. A casual acquaintance, not so much.