To say you’re absolutely entitled to get married on a Thursday BUT…

[0verth1inker]

You CANNOT be annoyed if people can’t come due to work/children etc etc?

DH is in a group of friends who seem to have set a precedent for Thursday weddings- we have 3 in the next year. We have 3 kids two in primary and one in private nursery. We can make two weddings work with a lot of effort (both our parents work full time and live over and hour away so finding a weekday babysitter to ferry 3 kids around from 2 setting, feed them, look after them overnight then take them all back the next day is a BIG ask).

However, we have had no end of grief from the wedding we can’t come. We are not making the effort, they came to our wedding (a Saturday), they’re v close friends. I feel bad but surely that’s the risk with weekday weddings? Not only that but they’ve all had stag/hen dos abroad so with the wedding each one is 4-5 days annual leave which just isn’t possible. We want to use our leave to spend with our children. Generally I don’t mind taking a day (often weddings are a Friday or we have to travel) for a wedding or long weekend for stag/hen but it’s just ridiculous.

NB: I don’t disagree or have an issue with Thursday weddings at all on principle. I understand it’s a lot cheaper and with covid rearrangements often the only option. I just think those getting married mid week need to adjust expectations and realise it’s a MASSIVE ask for those working with kids?!

@Alicetheowl

It might not be particularly selfish. A lot of venues are prioritising couples with existing bookings who got cancelled due to Covid. There is a backlog, so very difficult to book a Saturday wedding, so couples are having to settle for other days. Maybe they have had a lot of other guests drop out, particularly if they are travelling from different parts of the country-Scotland or Wales it might need three days AL for a midweek wedding, and are understandably a bit emotional and upset about this. But YANBU.

Covid can’t be helped though. There are other alternatives, e.g small wedding with close family followed by dinner reception on a Saturday evening for everyone etc.

Either way people have to be understanding of guests!

DH is a teacher, kids are in school. We'd just say no.

YANBU and I say that as someone who just got married a few weeks ago. Personally I think the whole wedding industry is out of hand and more people should get married on a Thursday for cheaps, but other people should only attend if they can easily and it really matters to them, and everyone should keep a lot more of their hard earned cash and annual leave in their pockets. I was really conscious of the burden we were placing on others at our wedding - I didn’t have a hen weekend and we got married in the village hall so we could have an open bar. I had too many memories of spending money I didn’t have on parties I didn’t like for other people’s wedding to do the same at mine. Even then I’d have rather it been a more modest affair.

The fact is, however difficult it is, if you wanted to go you'd find a way. People seem to manage for funerals after all. Obviously its fine to have other priorities, but your friends will know that that's why you don't attend, rather than because you genuinely can't. Some people would be ok with that, others not, and your friends are entitled to take either position.

How much annual leave does he get? why has he used it all up? that's not sensible.

Anyone planning a wedding needs to ask themselves at the outset who "has" to be there, and check the date with them first. Plenty of people manage to work round military deployment, university exams, teachers' term dates. Then you have to accept that other people will make it if they can, but may not be able to.

In your case you just have to explain that you have no leave left, not even for a family holiday, so it's just not possible. If they don't accept that, they're not good friends.

I suppose if DH were happy to go to all three weddings on his own, you could free up some of his leave - maybe that's a conversation for him to have with the friendship group. If you've already accepted the other invites, it would be rude just to pull out, but if they're all mates then they might not mind, especially if they haven't confirmed numbers to their venues yet.

A teacher friend's brother presented her with an invite to his weekday wedding. As she looked at the date, he explained that he'd already spoken to her headteacher to check whether she could have the day off!

I think it is plain rude, personally

I’m literally waiting for a bridezilla relative to kick off about her wedding in Ireland that she’s having on a Wednesday in 2023, despite living in London, marrying an English guy and a good two thirds of those invited living in England.

I’m not taking 3 days off to fly to your wedding love, it would cost us thousands in accommodation, flights, gifts, new outfit for DC, plus the actual time off our jobs.

@Blondeshavemorefun @mrsm43s I think we just maybe have different approaches. If someone said to me they were going to drive 2 hours on the wedding day then not drink, leave at 9 and drive 2 hours home alone I’d think they were slightly mad and reassure them if that was the only option of course they don’t need to come. I wouldn’t expect people to go out of their way to that extent*

I don't think it's mad at all. I do similar travelling to go and see gigs on a regular basis on a 'school night'( Lancashire to Birmingham or Lancashire to Glasgow) so I definitely would do it for my friend. It's not like your going to get asked to do it again any time soon (hopefully) so it's a one off.

@Oblomov21

How much annual leave does he get? why has he used it all up? that's not sensible.

Maybe it's prioritised for holidays/school holidays and that's completely fair enough. No one has to go to a wedding and especially a mid week one where it becomes more difficult to take the time off.

We got married on a Tuesday but deliberately chose a half term holiday! I don't understand why other people wouldn't do the same.

Yanbu to find it annoying.
But the wedding you're talking about only needs 1 day of leave for 1 of you. 2 hours each way is drivable.

Childcare is prob the same number of hours thurs eve into fri morning as all day Saturday.

So yanbu...but its not as big a deal as youre making out.

YANBU.

A member of my extended family had a weekday wedding in November. She’s a lovely person, and I wanted to go but DP was less than impressed, to put it mildly, about being expected to use up a day of his precious annual leave. I could completely see his point and offered to go on my own.

YANBU. I ended up using 7 days of leave a few years ago because I had 5 weddings, all Thursdays or Fridays. I know I could have said no, but in all honesty I wanted to be there on my friends big days and celebrate with them.
That said, Thursday weddings are a bit sad as everyone buggers off early - I don't understand why people don’t just save up a little longer and pay for a Friday or Saturday instead 🤷🏻‍♀️ It’s obviously different if it’s a small, low key wedding but a large country house wedding, you’re already throwing £££ at it. Scale back something else but make it easier for your guests to attend

@Oblomov21

How much annual leave does he get? why has he used it all up? that's not sensible.

My AL for next year is all already accounted for. Short of cancelling an operation, 2 weddings who sent save the dates in 2020, or a holiday I've already paid for, there'd be no way I could go to another wedding next year anyway.

I imagine if you have kids and you need to save AL for school holidays it'd be even harder.

it would be 2 days leave as it’s 2 hours from where we/they live so he’d have to stay over and wouldn’t be back to start work at 8

Or he could get there in time for the service then leave after the meal. And be home for bedtime

Speaking as someone who got married on a Thursday, absolutely fair enough.

Agree op. I dont have amazing family backup either to help. Mine much older now so its fine. My husb wont go to mid weeks says too much hassle!! I did go one years ago was a Thursd but we went that evening got a local girl babysit.

100% agree. Tuesday wedding here.

Although ours was also abroad so we gave everyone 2 years notice.

Had no problem with anyone who couldn't make it for any reason and didn't expect reasons.

Even it was a UK weekend wedding i wouldn't have got shitty if people couldn't make it. A wedding seems like the most important thing in the world when it's yours (or very close family) but it's just another event to 90% of the guests.

YANBU at all. If you do anything on a weekday during working hours, you have to expect working people not to come.

Depending on what the bride and groom and the majority of their family and friends do for work a midweek wedding may actually be thinking of their guests

If a lot of them work in retail, hospitality or health care or any of the myriad jobs which cover a 7 day a week service then it can often be easier to get time off mid week- if three couples out of the same group ALL choose to get married midweek, I suspect this may be the case

However you are entitled to decline an invitation for any reason -

@Oblomov21

How much annual leave does he get? why has he used it all up? that's not sensible.

When the kids were little DH was the one who did most childcare as I worked away a lot. Most of his leave went on odd days looking after them when they weren't well, needed to doctor etc. They just disappeared. Holidays (for him) were the odd weekend by the seaside with the kids, which they loved.

@mrsm43s yes he should definitely prioritise his annual leave for his friends wedding over childcare and spending time with his family 🙄

Could you claw back enough annual leave if you didn't attend the other two's stag/hen dos? Or are you already not going to those because of annual leave?

You are not unreasonable in the slightest. Anyone choosing a mid week wedding must understand not all invited guest will be able to attend.