To say you’re absolutely entitled to get married on a Thursday BUT…

[0verth1inker]

You CANNOT be annoyed if people can’t come due to work/children etc etc?

DH is in a group of friends who seem to have set a precedent for Thursday weddings- we have 3 in the next year. We have 3 kids two in primary and one in private nursery. We can make two weddings work with a lot of effort (both our parents work full time and live over and hour away so finding a weekday babysitter to ferry 3 kids around from 2 setting, feed them, look after them overnight then take them all back the next day is a BIG ask).

However, we have had no end of grief from the wedding we can’t come. We are not making the effort, they came to our wedding (a Saturday), they’re v close friends. I feel bad but surely that’s the risk with weekday weddings? Not only that but they’ve all had stag/hen dos abroad so with the wedding each one is 4-5 days annual leave which just isn’t possible. We want to use our leave to spend with our children. Generally I don’t mind taking a day (often weddings are a Friday or we have to travel) for a wedding or long weekend for stag/hen but it’s just ridiculous.

NB: I don’t disagree or have an issue with Thursday weddings at all on principle. I understand it’s a lot cheaper and with covid rearrangements often the only option. I just think those getting married mid week need to adjust expectations and realise it’s a MASSIVE ask for those working with kids?!

We deliberately got married midweek to reduce numbers and it was cheaper but we were only 20 and none of our friends were married or had kids so wasn't an huge issue - totally different when your older and everyone has careers and kids

@TractorAndHeadphones I know it’s a shame for people I do get that. Its like the big hen dos abroad- first few weddings it was a novelty, everyone child free with cash so happy to go away. A lot of people now have mortgages, kids etc so it’s not possible. It’s not ‘fair’ in a sense but it’s life I suppose.

Id have ti take unpaid leave to attend. So while it might be significantly cheaper for the couple, how many guests are losing pay?

Let's be honest, the only appeal for a weekday wedding is the cost and that only affects the B & G. I'd rather people either had a small village hall wedding at the weekend than some fancy venue that looks nice on the photos. Any wedding in the week is all very tedious for your guests.

Unless this was dropped on you at very short notice, I think its pretty sad that he wouldn't prioritise a close friends wedding for his annual leave.
Most working parents don't even have enough annual leave to cover the school holidays. Finding holiday childcare can be difficult and expensive so I certainly wouldn't be using valuable annual leave on a weekday wedding.

@mrsm43s. Ok we get it. You’re one of those people who think that their wedding is so bloody important that other people should put themselves and their families out and incur lots of additional expense so your day can be “magic”.

If the friend had cared that much about having people there then they would have got married on a day which suited their guests rather than themselves.

[quote 0verth1inker]@mrsm43s I do get that- it would be 2 days leave as it’s 2 hours from where we/they live so he’d have to stay over and wouldn’t be back to start work at 8.
Having divided up the school hols between us and then leave for inset days, other weddings on Fridays etc we don’t have enough even for a family holiday all at once this year even. It’s crap.[/quote]
Well if he really wanted to go he would drive. Stay sober and leave 9/10 and be home midnight

Can you pay fir some childcare in holidays so have some of your holiday free

I agree OP. We can’t go to a Sunday one. It’s 4 hours drive away and kids aren’t invited. That’s absolutely fine and there choice to organise it that way but bride seemed shocked we couldn’t go. Not many overnight babysitters keen to do the school run on the Monday and we would have to take annual leave!

Oh @mrsm43s has said identical to me 😂

I posted before reading all replies

YANBU. I would not attend a Thursday wedding as I don't want to waste my annual leave and I certainly wouldn't take DS out of school to attend a wedding.

[quote Snookie00]@mrsm43s. Ok we get it. You’re one of those people who think that their wedding is so bloody important that other people should put themselves and their families out and incur lots of additional expense so your day can be “magic”.

If the friend had cared that much about having people there then they would have got married on a day which suited their guests rather than themselves.[/quote]
Maybe they couldn’t get a fri or sat till 2024 due to all the COVID cancellations

Our wedding was cancelled twice via Covid in 2020 and 2021

We thought was going to have to have a Thur or fri as just wanted to get married

Then a bride cancelled her July 31 sat and we got offered it with maybe 6/8w notice

@Blondeshavemorefun @mrsm43s I think we just maybe have different approaches. If someone said to me they were going to drive 2 hours on the wedding day then not drink, leave at 9 and drive 2 hours home alone I’d think they were slightly mad and reassure them if that was the only option of course they don’t need to come. I wouldn’t expect people to go out of their way to that extent.

YANBU. We considered a weekday wedding (we had a specific venue in mind, dates were limited) and were aware it'd mean people couldn't come.

An (ex) good friend of mine was very upset with me because I couldn't book her weekday wedding off work, despite the fact it was on the day of my biggest annual project being delivered and unless I was literally dead, I would have to be there as I was the only person who could do it. Sent a gift, and flowers to her hotel the day before.

She declined to come to my (Saturday) wedding to make a point that "apparently these things aren't important to you".

Thank for kind invitation politefully refuse and ask for wedding gift list

[quote 0verth1inker]**@Blondeshavemorefun* @mrsm43s* I think we just maybe have different approaches. If someone said to me they were going to drive 2 hours on the wedding day then not drink, leave at 9 and drive 2 hours home alone I’d think they were slightly mad and reassure them if that was the only option of course they don’t need to come. I wouldn’t expect people to go out of their way to that extent.[/quote]
Why is that mad

If you or dh want to go that is the obvious solution

I’ve driven 3hrs each way to meet friends for a lunch

Stayed sober obviously

Yes nice to have a drink at a wedding but equally nice to see a good friend get married

[quote Snookie00]@mrsm43s. Ok we get it. You’re one of those people who think that their wedding is so bloody important that other people should put themselves and their families out and incur lots of additional expense so your day can be “magic”.

If the friend had cared that much about having people there then they would have got married on a day which suited their guests rather than themselves.[/quote]
Hell no, I got married 20+ years ago (and on a Saturday) in a pretty modest affair, so no skin in this game.

I just think I'd make the effort for a close friend. But OP doesn't need to if she doesn't want to, its obviously her choice. But if they're going to the other weddings and the stags/hens, and not even going to this actual wedding day, I can see why a close friend would be hurt that they are so far down OPs families priority list. That's OK, but OP and her husband need to own it and recognise that they're aren't prepared to make the effort for these friends, rather than justifying that they can't go. They could, its just not important enough to them. And that's fine, if that's how they feel, but be honest about it, and recognise that its hurtful to the couple who obviously think more of the friendship than they do.

Oh gosh I wouldn’t use annual Leave for this 🤦🏼‍♀️ I don’t have enough to cover school holidays I end up having to take some unpaid which I can’t really afford but have to as no other choice so I certainly wouldn’t be taking anyone’s weddings off, I’d wish them all the best etc but I don’t think of weddings as obligatory and I wasn’t a fussy bride at our wedding either! That said I get your point about the stag, I would maybe say it’s one or the other although personally I’d probably do neither unless it was a weekend!

[quote 0verth1inker]@mrsm43s I do get that- it would be 2 days leave as it’s 2 hours from where we/they live so he’d have to stay over and wouldn’t be back to start work at 8.
Having divided up the school hols between us and then leave for inset days, other weddings on Fridays etc we don’t have enough even for a family holiday all at once this year even. It’s crap.[/quote]
He could leave at 5pm straight from work, get there for 7pm for the evening do. Don't drink. Leave 10.30pm back home for 12.30pm. You don't both have to go.

Its doable. But I can understand why you wouldn't want to do that either too.

[quote 0verth1inker]**@Blondeshavemorefun* @mrsm43s* I think we just maybe have different approaches. If someone said to me they were going to drive 2 hours on the wedding day then not drink, leave at 9 and drive 2 hours home alone I’d think they were slightly mad and reassure them if that was the only option of course they don’t need to come. I wouldn’t expect people to go out of their way to that extent.[/quote]
I don't think that's mad at all!

I'd happily drive and stay sober and leave at 9 in order to see good friends get married. It's not much to ask really, is it?

These friends aren't important enough to you for you to put yourself out for. That's fine, it's your choice. But I can see why they are hurt.

@mrsm43s for me, as a single working mum, my annual leave is important to me to spend time with DS. Plus holiday clubs cost money and I need to keep costs down as much as possible. I think if someone was hurt that I'd rather spend my annual leave with DS than come to their wedding they'd need to have a word with themselves. Family time is precious when everyone works.

We’ve both been to the hens/stags that are in the UK and we can join on a Friday after work, so it’s not a case of using A/L for a stag and not a wedding IYKWIM.

You are right OP.
We got married on a Tuesday. TBH we didn't want many people there.

@mrsm43s around here holiday club childcare ranges between £17-£35 per child per day, depending on where you can get in. Not everyone has the luxury of a spare £250-£500 per week (as would be the OP’s situation with 3 children) available.

I certainly would massively resent spending that amount of money on top of the cost of attending a wedding plus stag/hen do just for the sake of holding back a few days annual leave.

The problem is, you have made the effort for two of them and not the third. If they are all part of the same friendship group then that's a pretty poor message to send. I'd be annoyed in that scenario. If you couldn't make any of them then they would be unreasonable to be annoyed.

Someone in DHs family got married on a Wednesday 250 miles away.
They were furious we didn’t go, DH wasn’t close to them and I had met the bride once for 1 minute. They rang DHs mum to complain we weren’t coming as they had arrange for childcare at the wedding especially, we had no children at the time.
They were also furious that SIL said she could come late as she was a teacher.

No reason for a Wednesday, the groom was very very wealthy and it was just in a church hall.