To say you’re absolutely entitled to get married on a Thursday BUT…

[0verth1inker]

You CANNOT be annoyed if people can’t come due to work/children etc etc?

DH is in a group of friends who seem to have set a precedent for Thursday weddings- we have 3 in the next year. We have 3 kids two in primary and one in private nursery. We can make two weddings work with a lot of effort (both our parents work full time and live over and hour away so finding a weekday babysitter to ferry 3 kids around from 2 setting, feed them, look after them overnight then take them all back the next day is a BIG ask).

However, we have had no end of grief from the wedding we can’t come. We are not making the effort, they came to our wedding (a Saturday), they’re v close friends. I feel bad but surely that’s the risk with weekday weddings? Not only that but they’ve all had stag/hen dos abroad so with the wedding each one is 4-5 days annual leave which just isn’t possible. We want to use our leave to spend with our children. Generally I don’t mind taking a day (often weddings are a Friday or we have to travel) for a wedding or long weekend for stag/hen but it’s just ridiculous.

NB: I don’t disagree or have an issue with Thursday weddings at all on principle. I understand it’s a lot cheaper and with covid rearrangements often the only option. I just think those getting married mid week need to adjust expectations and realise it’s a MASSIVE ask for those working with kids?!

@CaveMum yes very true. And any leave accumulated from this would be prioritised as time off as a 5 as that’s in very short supply.
The cost of attending weddings (accommodation, petrol, gifts etc) is fine and par for the course. Its the logistics and holiday days that we struggle with!

[quote CaveMum]@mrsm43s around here holiday club childcare ranges between £17-£35 per child per day, depending on where you can get in. Not everyone has the luxury of a spare £250-£500 per week (as would be the OP’s situation with 3 children) available.

I certainly would massively resent spending that amount of money on top of the cost of attending a wedding plus stag/hen do just for the sake of holding back a few days annual leave.[/quote]
Why do they need a weeks childcare for one parent to attend a wedding for one day?

@BasementIdeas

YANBU but surely DH can still attend the third wedding and you can sort the children (given that it’s his friend)

How is that fair? Or fun? I wouldn't want to go to a wedding without my DP unless I absolutely had to.

OP, you're being more than reasonable. Have your wedding on a Thursday if you want, but be realistic that not everyone is going to be able to - or inclined to - make that work for them.

I worked with someone once who said she wanted to get married midweek as she thought it was more special if people had to take time off for it. I was pretty young at the time, no kids etc and I just thought she sounded selfish.

When I got married, I made it as easy as possible for the majority. It was a Saturday, ceremony at my church then coached guests to a venue in the city centre 20 minutes away.
My main priority when planning was my guests enjoyment.

@BoredZelda

The problem is, you have made the effort for two of them and not the third. If they are all part of the same friendship group then that's a pretty poor message to send. I'd be annoyed in that scenario. If you couldn't make any of them then they would be unreasonable to be annoyed.

First come first served in that case, and be clear about that.

They book it because it’s cheaper- for them! The don’t factor in the cost to others in respect of annual leave, childcare etc.
I don’t really see why your partner couldn’t go alone if they’re mainly his friends. 2 hours journey doesn’t need an overnight stay

It depends on how important they see the wedding reception etc as. We got married on a Thursday. We had intended to both take two days flexi and have Thursday afternoon through Sunday as our honeymoon. Wouldn't have mattered to us if we only had our witnesses. It was DM who organised a reception and guests. We had planned to go to the pub for lunch. Fortunately a friend in HR pointed out we were entitled to special leave for getting married so we had a longer honeymoon.

Midweek wedding are for those who don't mind if their guests can't make it.

Of course yanbu. It's the same with weddings abroad, destination weddings and child free weddings. The difficult you make it to attend the less people will attend, simple as that really.

[quote 0verth1inker]@mrsm43s I do get that- it would be 2 days leave as it’s 2 hours from where we/they live so he’d have to stay over and wouldn’t be back to start work at 8.
Having divided up the school hols between us and then leave for inset days, other weddings on Fridays etc we don’t have enough even for a family holiday all at once this year even. It’s crap.[/quote]
He could get up and do a 2 hr drive at 6 am. Lots of people start work at 6 am. Having said that he doesn't have to go and if he hasn't got leave he can't.

Are they offended as you have 3 invites and going to 2 so they feel a bit second best?

Absolutely agree with you - I’ve always stood by “you should have the wedding you want / can afford etc, but you have to appreciate that not everyone will come for a multitude of reasons”

No kids? absolutely fine, but expect nos from people that can’t or won’t come without them
Abroad? Sounds lovely. But not everyone can afford the travel or time off
Weekday? See abroad.

Everyone is entitled to the wedding they want just as much as the invitees are entitled to say no for any reason they need or want to.

We have one next year that’s getting out of hand. Far enough that we have to go for two nights, DH is in the wedding party. No kids. I can’t get childcare I’m comfortable with so was going to rsvp yes for DH and no for me. No hard feelings. DH now upset that I’m showing him up not going.
Bride and groom don’t have to compromise on their plans. Childcare doesn’t have to compromise on their offer. DH doesn’t have to compromise on going to mates wedding. Only me. Either I go and feel upset about our childcare option or I don’t and upset DH.

Weddings are a bloody nightmare.

@BigFatLiar

It depends on how important they see the wedding reception etc as. We got married on a Thursday. We had intended to both take two days flexi and have Thursday afternoon through Sunday as our honeymoon. Wouldn't have mattered to us if we only had our witnesses. It was DM who organised a reception and guests. We had planned to go to the pub for lunch. Fortunately a friend in HR pointed out we were entitled to special leave for getting married so we had a longer honeymoon.

Midweek wedding are for those who don't mind if their guests can't make it.

Also if the B&G really wanted people to make it they’d be consulted about the date!

However OP - what’s the reason for making the first 2 but not the third?

I'd try and be equal to all 3. So if they can be done in 1 day, say leaving 8pm to get home, so be it. All tested equally if they are all equal good friends.

Rather than using 2 days for first 2 and nothing for last one.

These threads always make me laugh. I work in retail and LOVE mid-week weddings, while Saturday weddings take up huge chunks of annual leave, and Saturdays are in such demand for annual leave that even if you want to go to a wedding, you often can't take leave on the day. During the years when my friends were all getting married, annual leave was a nightmare, and I couldn't take any proper holidays because I didn't have enough leave.

DH goes jsut for the day, drives, and so doesn’t stay the night, and just takes one day? Less fun but making the effort?

I'd try and be equal to all 3. So if they can be done in 1 day, say leaving 8pm to get home, so be it. All tested equally if they are all equal good friends.

Also this

@burnoutbabe I know in an ideal world we would but had responded to the first two weddings with a yes before we got the third invite. As they’re DHs friends I had no idea where they were up to with planning etc as apparently men don’t discuss this . And also didn’t realise they would be on a Thursday as well…

@mrsm43s I gave figures for a week’s worth of holiday club because that is what you suggested OP do. Your words:

“Plenty of school holiday childcare around, so send your kids to holiday club for a week so that you have a bit of extra leave spare! (do any parents where both parents work and they don't have any family help with childcare really manage without using holiday clubs at all?)”

YANBU, I wouldn’t be going. Don’t apologise, stand your ground and if they make a big thing about it tell them in no uncertain terms that you can’t make three weddings in a year all held on an antisocial day like Thursday!

*Absolutely agree with you - I’ve always stood by “you should have the wedding you want / can afford etc, but you have to appreciate that not everyone will come for a multitude of reasons”

No kids? absolutely fine, but expect nos from people that can’t or won’t come without them
Abroad? Sounds lovely. But not everyone can afford the travel or time off
Weekday? See abroad.*

This should be the instruction manual for weddings….!

Sorry - trying and failing to quote @WingingIt101 above….!

It might not be particularly selfish. A lot of venues are prioritising couples with existing bookings who got cancelled due to Covid. There is a backlog, so very difficult to book a Saturday wedding, so couples are having to settle for other days. Maybe they have had a lot of other guests drop out, particularly if they are travelling from different parts of the country-Scotland or Wales it might need three days AL for a midweek wedding, and are understandably a bit emotional and upset about this. But YANBU.

My sister got married on a Wednesday. I was one of her bridesmaids, it was so embarrassing driving through town in the fancy cars, passing miserable looking folk on their lunch break. It just felt wrong.

[quote 0verth1inker]@burnoutbabe I know in an ideal world we would but had responded to the first two weddings with a yes before we got the third invite. As they’re DHs friends I had no idea where they were up to with planning etc as apparently men don’t discuss this . And also didn’t realise they would be on a Thursday as well…[/quote]
Ah fair that makes sense!
You can’t backtrack on the other two!

If you want to have a cheaper wedding by having it during the week, then it's a bit rich to expect people with children to fork out extra to attend. Evidently they're allowed to save their money, but you are expected to pay for three lots of childcare to accommodate their saving.

people talking about 'just get a holiday club, just do xyz to prioritise a friends wedding'. It really isn't as black and white as that. For some people doing a 2 hour drive after a day at work is easy peasy, for others it isn't. What about pick up and drop off logistics, even if only one parent attends that leaves the other parent to do it for the 3 kids the op has. Yes sometimes it may be possible but there is nothing wrong with it just not being something the op feels she can do for a variety of reasons. The people having the wedding should respect that.