To say you’re absolutely entitled to get married on a Thursday BUT…

[0verth1inker]

You CANNOT be annoyed if people can’t come due to work/children etc etc?

DH is in a group of friends who seem to have set a precedent for Thursday weddings- we have 3 in the next year. We have 3 kids two in primary and one in private nursery. We can make two weddings work with a lot of effort (both our parents work full time and live over and hour away so finding a weekday babysitter to ferry 3 kids around from 2 setting, feed them, look after them overnight then take them all back the next day is a BIG ask).

However, we have had no end of grief from the wedding we can’t come. We are not making the effort, they came to our wedding (a Saturday), they’re v close friends. I feel bad but surely that’s the risk with weekday weddings? Not only that but they’ve all had stag/hen dos abroad so with the wedding each one is 4-5 days annual leave which just isn’t possible. We want to use our leave to spend with our children. Generally I don’t mind taking a day (often weddings are a Friday or we have to travel) for a wedding or long weekend for stag/hen but it’s just ridiculous.

NB: I don’t disagree or have an issue with Thursday weddings at all on principle. I understand it’s a lot cheaper and with covid rearrangements often the only option. I just think those getting married mid week need to adjust expectations and realise it’s a MASSIVE ask for those working with kids?!

@mrsm43s how much annual leave do you think most people get?! We are in a deficit from the outset, there isn't any to spare. We each get 30 days, including public holidays so once they are taken out with things like Christmas closure (mandatory leave) I have 16 days and DH has 17, they cover about 6 weeks worth of school holidays assuming we take all of it separately, still leaving us 4 weeks short (not in England - 8 weeks summer holidays, 5 days at Easter, 6 at Halloween and 2 days before Christmas). Absolutely bonkers to suggest someone doesn't care enough about their friends if they can't stretch their annual leave to fit multiple mid week weddings.

[quote AliceMcK]@mrsm43s yes he should definitely prioritise his annual leave for his friends wedding over childcare and spending time with his family 🙄[/quote]
Nope, of course he doesn't need to do that.

But he can't be surprised if close friends are upset that he's not prepared to take a single day annual leave to attend their wedding.

But it is indeed his choice to make.

Things are opposite in my side and DH side and I find it so odd.

Most of DH's friends (both male and female) are childless professionals pushing 40 his family is all pretty much all long-married.

Most of my friends and family are retired, disabled, students or stay-at-home mams and make money through odd jobs or night bartending/waitressing.

DH friends ALWAYS have midweek weddings despite knowing all their guests have to take off work.

All my friends and family have Saturday weddings to not inconvenience the few that do have 9-5 jobs.

I just always find it funny because they are the one inconvienecing themselves lol, but then my side always have low-budget casual big (everyone invited) weddings and most of his side have expensive 'magazine' type small (only like 40 people allowed in the 'package' type) weddings.

I definitely interesting to see how opposite both sides are.

YANBU, and I wouldn't be going to any of the Thursday weddings. 3 children in school and I work in a school!

Tell them to zip it. If they wanted all their friends there, they should have scheduled a Saturday.

I agree with mrsm43s.

Anyway, it's fair enough that you don't want to prioritise it but it could be done, if you wanted to, without using A/L.

Just don't be surprised that they're upset. Or that they maybe don't see you as quite so close friends after this, since you're not making the effort. There are enough wedding threads on here about friends falling out - rightly or wrongly - to show what might happen.

[quote 0verth1inker]@mrsm43s I do get that- it would be 2 days leave as it’s 2 hours from where we/they live so he’d have to stay over and wouldn’t be back to start work at 8.
Having divided up the school hols between us and then leave for inset days, other weddings on Fridays etc we don’t have enough even for a family holiday all at once this year even. It’s crap.[/quote]
I'm not arguing that a Thursday wedding is annoying, but he doesnt need 2 days, he could commute the 2 hours (lots of people do this every work day)
Or he doesnt stay over?

A two hour commute can be done as a day trip. So that is one day's leave. Could any of the other weddings be done as a day trip, or could a day be taken off a stag do? Then it is a matter of reshuffling the day's taken off for weddings rather than adding to the total.

While it is annoying the way they have arranged this, I can understand that the bride and groom aren't okay with that you are taking time off for two other couples in the same social group's weddings but not theirs. Even if it isn't mean personally, I can see that it would feel that way.

If they're close friends, could DP go and you stay at home with the kids? That's what we'd have done.

There's some dense PPs on here!

13 weeks is the amount of AL needed to cover school holidays- that's more than two people's yearly AL entitlement. Then there's inset days so add on almost another week. Then there's times DCs are ill so someone has to take AL for that. Where is all this spare AL that PPs think 2 working parents have ? It doesn't stretch, and maybe .... maybe... the family would like to have days off together and go on holiday.

As for it "won't take much AL for the wedding"? There are THREE Thursday weddings a distance away in one year = 6 days AL at least. That's a whole week of AL that these parents don't have spare.

It's a wedding you have to take AL as you know to be at the wedding? And as OP said it is 2 hours drive away... unless they dip out of evening reception to leave early at 8-9pm, they'll have to stay over. Work next day starts at 8am. And errrrr children...! Who knows the right mind would get up at 4am after a wedding to commute 2+ hours (otherwise will hit rush hour) to get home at 6 sort everything out for working day and then commute to work for 8am?

Some PPs don't live in the real world or clearly live next door to their work which doesn't require any parking etc (they clearly can't work at a hospital!)

I think the wedding attendance should go before the stag. I guess the difference is while dh is at the stag DS is there for the kids.

Plenty of school holiday childcare around, so send your kids to holiday club for a week so that you have a bit of extra leave spare! (do any parents where both parents work and they don't have any family help with childcare really manage without using holiday clubs at all?)

Hahahahahahaha! Very little school holiday childcare in my area. You'd really be struggling to get anything.

@Oblomov21

How much annual leave does he get? why has he used it all up? that's not sensible.

When my DC were small, and I was still with Ex, we prioritised our annual leave between us to cover as much of the school holidays as possible, with a week off at the same time for a family holiday. And we still needed help from family to cover some of the days.

Holiday childcare is limited in my area. And at some of them, they don't take kids for the whole day, parents were expected to take them home for lunch. We couldn't do that at the time, both ex and I worked out of town.

I agree with you. Midweek is fine if you're having a small wedding of very close guests. Expecting others to take leave for your wedding is ridiculous.

Mind you, I think most expectations around wedding guests are ridiculous. I don't even think it should be all about the b&g. If you're hosting a party of any kind, it's about the guests.

We got married on a Thursday and it worked our really well for our family and friends. Half the guests were coming from North America, so just needed to take one week off work.

TBH, if people turn down the invitation, that's a saving of £120 per head.

Most people get 4-5 weeks'leave surely?

So that's 2 weeks for a family holiday, one week for a short break, leaving max 10 days for emergency childcare, having a plumber visit, a day out for your mum's birthday. A "few" days for a wedding plus stag do isn't going to be possible for most people very often.

It’s really interesting though hearing the opinions of everyone both agreeing and disagreeing. It’s made me realise their POV is shared by a lot of people and that neither side ware unreasonable necessarily. Everyone has different thresholds of what they are comfortable doing (real mix of people finding it completely unreasonable and plenty of others saying it’s only 2 hours each way!).

But even if he did go for the day would their be complaints not staying or that he was leaving early? Also complaints that wife didn’t take time off as well?

But even if he did go for the day would their be complaints not staying or that he was leaving early? Also complaints that wife didn’t take time off as well?
There maybe but it's just explained away as a compromise and at least someone has attended.

I wouldnt go to any long stag or hen over a family holiday if restricted annual leave or finances therefore that would be a no.

I would prioritise going to the weddings over stag or hen.

And then with the weddings, I agree 2 days AL realistically for a Thursday wedding which is then 6 days off so more than a week working day wise. I would unlikely be able to do this. Depending on if I had all invites before I had to respond, I would go to one that was closest friends and not the other 2 or I would go to first come first served and not the other two.

I think people forget how expensive attending their weddings are for other people especially if invited to the stag or hen. There is now more of a leaning to breaks away for stag and hen and then longer stay for wedding in my experience. I have a friend who has 3 weddings 2 of which are abroad, all of which she has hen parties staying away, and the cost is ridiculous.

For the love of GOD:

1. No A/L taken for stag
2. the first two weddings had already been accepted longvbefore the third invite came along. So no OP can’t backtrack on the first two just ton please the third

Read OP’s posts people jeez

YANBU we were invited to a wedding on 29th December as "everyone will be off work anyway" no neither me nor DH will be off anyway and are not allowed the AL as we would need both the 29th & 30th off. The couple in question haven't spoken to us since! Would have loved to attend but just not feasible.

Plenty of school holiday childcare around, so send your kids to holiday club for a week so that you have a bit of extra leave spare! (do any parents where both parents work and they don't have any family help with childcare really manage without using holiday clubs at all?)

Unbelievable. So in addition to using up their precious annual leave, they should fork out for a week's worth of holiday childcare for multiple children just to make sure they're available should any friends decide to have midweek weddings?? All because the B&G want to save money!!
Also, you do realise that even if they use holiday clubs for a few weeks many parents still can't stretch their combined annual leave to cover 13 weeks school holidays and inset days, children being off school sick, and actually have a family holiday together? Some people really don't live in the real world.

Yanbu OP but I do think your DH could go. It’s only 2 hours drive so he could be there and back again in a day.
I think we just maybe have different approaches. If someone said to me they were going to drive 2 hours on the wedding day then not drink, leave at 9 and drive 2 hours home alone I’d think they were slightly mad and reassure them if that was the only option of course they don’t need to come. I wouldn’t expect people to go out of their way to that extent
^^ This really isn’t a big deal. 2 hours driving is not much at all.

Agree 2hrs each way isn’t far for a big occasion

Doesn’t need to be 2 days and hotel costs /overnight

Unless he drinks

@neverbeenskiing

Holiday club for all my DCs is £450 per week

So yes. I do year it but as little as possible as frankly i can't afford many weeks. So no, I wouldn't go to 3 Thursday weddings in a year that I had to travel for. Because I don't have £450 on top of all the other £100s costs of attending a wedding and I don't have the AL spare

So whilst other PPs may feel they can spare it and go, not many other working parents can. And it isn't reasonable for B&G to get upset if parents or school aged children say they can't attend . It's very entitled to get cross with your friends if they simply can't but you want them to. If they can't they can't