Friends DD threw my daughter to the ground

[AmIInside]

Friends daughter is 9 (same age as my DD). My DD is very into dancing and dances constantly. She dances in the house, around the living room, in her bedroom, in the garden, in the shops, in the street - constantly. She loves it.
Friends DD does karate and often practices that too.
Yesterday we were walking home from school and DD was dancing. Friends DD told her to “stop it” saying she was annoying and said “even my mum thinks you’re annoying, don’t you mum?”. Friend went bright red and said she’d never said that and her DD said “yes you did! You said “why can’t she just walk normal, remember?” Friend quickly changed the subject but was clearly embarrassed. I felt really awkward. Didn’t know what to say. DD said “I don’t care that I annoy you, if I want to dance I will do” and started to exaggerate her dancing a little and was swirling around us all. I told her to walk properly before she ends up crashing into someone. She swirled in front of friends DD who grabbed her and threw her to the floor. She landed awkwardly in a muddy puddle and really hurt her arm. She cried like mad 😢 friend told her DD off and told her to apologise, she refused saying DD started it and should just walk normal (echoing what her mum had obviously said). In anger DD shouted that friend was too ugly to be a dancer and that’s why she’s jealous. I told her off for that remark obviously but friends did retorted that DD was an attention seeking idiot and everyone thought so, even the teachers.

Anyway it got horrible and nasty. I can’t stop thinking about it.

Did she deserve to be thrown on the floor? I don’t think so. AIBU to message the mum and tell her how upset I am about the fact she’s clearly been slagging DD off at home?

Some of you must live in very naice areas where the kids behave impeccably.

Some of you must live in very rough areas if seeing kids throw each other to the ground is entirely normal behaviour
There us a mode ground where kids lose it sometimes! No child is perfect wether they are from a nice area than another.

Sounds like the kid wouldn’t have had the confidence to be violent if she hadn’t had the backing of knowing her mums opinion. That’s the beginnings of a bully personality, her mum should nip it in the bud, though if you say that to her it will end the friendship.

Shocked at all the people excusing the violence. Would you tell your sons it’s ok to hit someone who is annoying him? What’s the implication for adult relationships of letting any child get away with violent behaviour?

Sounds like both of them lashed out verbally. They’re immature and still learning but the words can still hurt, each trying to win by being the most hurtful.

Think you need to talk it through with your daughter and help her contextualise. Ignore all the people reading way too much into your parenting relationship, they’re probably the type who are happy when their kids are sat quietly with a screen. Is she uncomfortable and projecting a dancer personality without realising the effect it’s having on others? Not to police her but to help her mature.

I would be getting the kids together for a hot drink to talk it through and make up, when they’re both ready.

The other mum learnt a hard lesson about not treating her kid like a friend to confide in. I don’t think she owes you an apology for that though I get why you’re feeling embarrassed and upset by what happened

They are both acting like normal 9 year olds. Annoying, irritating and occasionally misbehaving
It's a learning curve
I'd move on from it

Some of you must live in very rough areas if seeing kids throw each other to the ground is entirely normal behaviour.

I live in a nice little market town. With a primary school and a secondary school. And yes the kids behave like kids and the adults tell the kids off if necessary (like the other girls mum) or let the kids sort it out themselves. It’s part of growing up and maturing and learning about control and what’s appropriate etc

I did dancing between ages 7 and 14 - I don't ever recall dancing in the street, even if I had shows to practice. Your DD sounds
quite immature and it is never nice to call someone ugly.

Her child should not have reacted the way she did but kids don't have the best impulse control and to be fair, her vocal attack was in retaliation to what your DD said

Both girls behaved badly here.

Your dd didn't deserve to be hurt but didn't she get the hint to walk normally - at least on that occasion ? She escalated things by twirling and dancing more and I can see why the other dd was angry. Why didn't you rein her in or have her dance away from the other girl when it's clear that she was not in the mood to tolerate the dancing? I wasn't there but I imagine it's like being circled by a bee or having a toddler/pre-schooler at the same height and in your personal space preventing her from walking home without having to be mindful of crashing into your dd.

They both said hurtful things and it might be a good idea to cool things for a bit. Somebody else has probably said this but have you looked into asking a professional for advice on stuff like ADHD?

The thrower has already been told off! By their own mother. Nobody’s condoning their behaviour in fact it’s a red herring.

I think you are the one struggling with comprehension. Many have suggested the OP's child deserved it for her behaviour, and saying it was a normal and understandable reaction.

so are people saying if i annoy someone enough they can knock me over? violence is never the right answer

The majority of posts have said that the violence isn’t acceptable. But the thread is discussing the whole situation, you can say the violence was wrong, and criticise the OP’s DD without saying that therefore she deserved to be thrown on the floor. Just because the other child introduced violence to the situation, that doesn’t mean that all of the DD’s behaviour instantly becomes above reproach. You can say “violence is wrong. Dancing DD sounds annoying”, those statements don’t cancel each other out.
And the OP wasn’t even asking specifically about the violence, the AIBU at the end of the post was about texted the mum about the “slagging off”.

What do you want the eventual outcome to be from this incident?

No I’d definitely not contact mum. I think your daughter is far more blameworthy. Probably better to keep them a part for a bit. Girl shouldn’t have pushed her but sounds like girl snapped and she and her mum immediately apologised.
Your DD does sound inappropriate and irritating. I’d be thinking wtf does mum let her do that why isn’t she being told to walk properly - it’s dangerous to be prancing about on pavement. There’s a time and place for dancing.
The child was obviously irritated and had tried to address verbally but your DD didn’t pick up on this and stop of her own volition and then ignored you telling her to stop.
Your DD sounds very immature and nasty - escalating situation by deliberately getting in way and taunting and then her ugly comments were very nasty.
Maybe your daughter will learn if you poke the tiger you get bitten.
I’d assume from her behaviour your child has additional needs but you’ve not said that in post.

Christ, I remember the annoying dancer kids at school that would constantly twirl and prance around. It is annoying.

No, your DD didn't deserve to be thrown, but she shouldn't have got right in front of people twirling around. What if someone had tripped?

The ugly remark was vile too. You should reign that sort of superior attitude in quickly.

I'd cool the friendship off.

Your daughter was in the wrong for ignoring being told to stop messing about in people’s faces, and for goading her friend.

You are in the wrong for not nipping her behaviour in the bud when you saw she was ignoring her and then escalating it.

The child was in the wrong for shoving your daughter to the ground.

Her mother dealt with that appropriately.

Both children behaved badly. The verbal stuff was worst of all as that was pure nastiness rather than poor impulse control. I hope both parents had a word later with their daughter.

The spat itself? Leave them to it. They’ll either drift apart or be best friends again tomorrow when they’ve forgotten about it. DO NOT GET INVOLVED in your child’s friendship disputes. Ever.

Your friend has been exasperated by your daughter’s attention seeking dancing, and expressed it at home. That’s not slagging her off, that’s normal venting to her husband. That her daughter heard and repeated it is very embarrassing, I’m not surprised she blushed. She’s the only one who hasn’t behaved poorly.

Just leave it.

No one deserves to be pushed to the ground and that requires a suitable telling off (it sounds like she got that).

The rest of it sounds like half a dozen of one, and six of the other tbh. Especially with both girls trying to use words to wound the other. Telling someone they are too ugly to be a dancer is at least as cruel as telling them that everyone finds them annoying, if not mroe so.

If the girls don't like each other than cool the distance.

Both girls behaved badly and they both got told off. Move on.

@TractorAndHeadphones

Lack of reading comprehension on this thread but also OP post is misleading.

The thrower has already been told off! By their own mother. Nobody’s condoning their behaviour in fact it’s a red herring.

OP’s final question is whether her daughter deserves to be slagged off in private which is separate to the throwing and the answer is yes if she’s that annoying. OP can’t accept that her daughter is wrong in this regard.

Yes, this!!!!

It is okay that her DD loves to dance and doesn’t want to stop. It is also okay for people to find the twirling and dancing annoying. The OPs DD should understand that sometimes she needs to stop twirling and dancing, if it is getting a bit much for others. She should not have been pushed and neither should have said nasty things. Both girls were in the wrong.

But none of that is what was being asked. Having a go at the mum for slagging off her daughter is not reasonable. If the friend’s daughter said she found the behaviour annoying, for example, the friend was perfectly entitled to agree. She could potentially teach her daughter tolerance by validating her daughters annoyance, but teaching her to tolerate the behaviour anyway (although she might have also suggested she ask her to stop the annoying behaviour, which clearly didn’t work).

In all cases, it is about tolerance and compromise. OP not everyone should have to tolerate your DD’s continual dancing. It is lovely she has a passion, but she should be mindful of the impact it could have on others.

Should your child have been pushed in a puddle? No. Should your child continue to dance and swirl around people who have already told her not to in order to purposely antagonize them? No. If you persist on annoying people, they will retaliate. My child does dance and theatre and although I think she's a magical, special angel, I also know that...well...not everyone else sees your child through your eyes. If she's dancing in shops and on pavements, it's dangerous and annoying to others and will make them on edge, just the same as if someone was practicing fight moves around them. Don't message the other mum and keep your child's performance antics to herself in safe spaces.

And yes the kids behave like kids and the adults tell the kids off if necessary (like the other girls mum) or let the kids sort it out themselves. It’s part of growing up and maturing and learning about control and what’s appropriate etc

I've lived in all sorts of areas, and have never seen kids being thrown to the floor for being annoying. I was never physically thrown to the floor as a kid, not even when I delighted in annoying my older siblings. Pushing and shoving is one thing, what is being described here was a child, trained in a martial art, using a karate move to throw another to the ground. I'd hope it isn't just in the "naice" (whatever that means) areas that this isn't accepted as just kids being kids. I'm certain the child's karate teacher wouldn't think so either. At our dojo, any child caught doing this is thrown out of class.

The squabble and comments made sound like 6 of one and half a dozen of the other. Your friend saying your dd is annoying to her dd is a prime example of why you don't say stuff like that in front of your kids. We all do it, she just got caught and was embarrassed.

However no one ever deserves to be thrown to the ground, so however annoying you dd is, the other girl was in the wrong for resorting to violence

I understand why the mum is embarrassed but I also understand why she might have sympathized with her dd about the dancing because it's a solo activity and the girl probably wants to do something together like chat, sing or play.

Your DD sounds like a precious, attention seeking, irritating little madam. Telling someone they're 'too ugly' to do something is awful. Imagine what she's like at school when there aren't parents monitoring her behaviour. I would have pushed her over too.

No your Dd should not have been thrown to the ground. But she also shouldn’t be deliberately annoying people with her dancing. That is obnoxious behaviour. She should realise that if she behaves like that, people will get fed up with it. And some will react.

Fwiw I don’t think your friend had any need to be embarrassed. Your DD does sound incredibly irritating. I think you probably know this whether you can bring yourself to admit it or not.

The ugly remark was vile too. You should reign that sort of superior attitude in quickly.

but friends did retorted that DD was an attention seeking idiot and everyone thought so, even the teachers isn't just as vile?

AIBU to message the mum and tell her how upset I am about the fact she’s clearly been slagging DD off at home?

Also, no. This is ridiculous. Your friend has every right to discuss your DD with her DD. If their conversation turns to her being annoying, can you really not see why they might come to that conclusion?

what is being described here was a child, trained in a martial art, using a karate move to throw another to the ground.

I disagree. Karate was mentioned but nowhere did it say she was a black belt, or she had been training for years. I very much doubt a 9 year old who likely has a once a week class can physically throw another 9 year old.

Regardless, nobody has said violence is the answer but it doesn’t mean ops daughter wasn’t also in the wrong.

@BoredZelda

The ugly remark was vile too. You should reign that sort of superior attitude in quickly.

but friends did retorted that DD was an attention seeking idiot and everyone thought so, even the teachers isn't just as vile?

She said that after being called ugly. Not really surprised she did either. Most kids would say something back to a comment like that.