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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Friends DD threw my daughter to the ground

748 replies

AmIInside · 05/11/2021 09:32

Friends daughter is 9 (same age as my DD). My DD is very into dancing and dances constantly. She dances in the house, around the living room, in her bedroom, in the garden, in the shops, in the street - constantly. She loves it.
Friends DD does karate and often practices that too.
Yesterday we were walking home from school and DD was dancing. Friends DD told her to “stop it” saying she was annoying and said “even my mum thinks you’re annoying, don’t you mum?”. Friend went bright red and said she’d never said that and her DD said “yes you did! You said “why can’t she just walk normal, remember?” Friend quickly changed the subject but was clearly embarrassed. I felt really awkward. Didn’t know what to say. DD said “I don’t care that I annoy you, if I want to dance I will do” and started to exaggerate her dancing a little and was swirling around us all. I told her to walk properly before she ends up crashing into someone. She swirled in front of friends DD who grabbed her and threw her to the floor. She landed awkwardly in a muddy puddle and really hurt her arm. She cried like mad 😢 friend told her DD off and told her to apologise, she refused saying DD started it and should just walk normal (echoing what her mum had obviously said). In anger DD shouted that friend was too ugly to be a dancer and that’s why she’s jealous. I told her off for that remark obviously but friends did retorted that DD was an attention seeking idiot and everyone thought so, even the teachers.

Anyway it got horrible and nasty. I can’t stop thinking about it.

Did she deserve to be thrown on the floor? I don’t think so. AIBU to message the mum and tell her how upset I am about the fact she’s clearly been slagging DD off at home?

OP posts:
KatherineJaneway · 06/11/2021 08:26

No, she shouldn't have thrown your dd to the ground but the rest of it is six of one half a dozen of the other.

Rivermonsters · 06/11/2021 08:39

Sort your DDs behaviour out before high school cos they don’t tolerate annoying idiots there

Ponoka7 · 06/11/2021 08:45

I think it's unfair to come down on children who have been goaded into reacting. Words are as important as a smack. All of my DDs did dance, so do my GC, they wouldn't be allowed to dance around someone, or in shops. It isn't appropriate behaviour.

Rivermonsters · 06/11/2021 08:59

@Ponoka7 yes OP’s DD was annoying but reacting with violence isn’t on. Show’s you can’t maturely hand a situation

Brefugee · 06/11/2021 09:02

Show’s you can’t maturely hand a situation

something which, at 9, her mum seems to be trying to teach her, no?

NataliaOsipova · 06/11/2021 09:03

[quote PlanktonsComputerWife]If Natalia fucking Osipova can walk normally, so can your DD. Proof:

m.youtube.com/watch?v=1JHScgksPvc[/quote]
Can confirm normal walking ability….😂😂😂

RAFHercules · 06/11/2021 09:06

Ouch, I think being told (at 9) that you are ugly will potentially be harder to recover from than being shoved into a puddle.

Read the room OP.

What you see as sweet and endearing is clearly as annoying as hell to some people. We knew a school mum who thought it was hilarious that her son would fill his mouth with water and spit/blow it out all over someone. In no way was he cute but she thought he was a cheerful little soul, just trying to make others laugh. Blush

Block · 06/11/2021 09:10

OP, if your daughter is practising her dancing in shops and in the street, you need to tell her in no uncertain terms to stop it - even if just for her sake (because it will really, really piss people off and make her very unpopular with adults and peers alike: she will be regarded as an attention-seeking annoyance). At the age of nine, she should already know how to behave in public in such a way that she doesn't get in other people's space.

The other girl shouldn't have resorted to karate chopping her, but I can see why she did, given that your DD seems to be incapable of listening, and carries on being annoying even when she's told to stop.

Does she generally ignore you when you tell her to stop being a nuisance to the people around her?

ancientgran · 06/11/2021 09:10

@RAFHercules

Ouch, I think being told (at 9) that you are ugly will potentially be harder to recover from than being shoved into a puddle.

Read the room OP.

What you see as sweet and endearing is clearly as annoying as hell to some people. We knew a school mum who thought it was hilarious that her son would fill his mouth with water and spit/blow it out all over someone. In no way was he cute but she thought he was a cheerful little soul, just trying to make others laugh. Blush

Being told you are annoying and everyone thinks so, other girls mother and teachers included, is probably hurtful as well. Maybe the other girl shouldn't dish it out if she isn't prepared to take it. Either way it does not mean it is OK to physically attack someone.

Not sure how you can compare someone dancing with someone spitting water all over you.

Block · 06/11/2021 09:14

@ancientgran I take it you have never met one of these "look at meeeeeeee!" children who are constantly in your space. They are in their own way just as tiresome as a child who (wrongly) thinks it's funny to spit water at people.

liveforsummer · 06/11/2021 09:17

Of course she shouldn't have been thrown but what your daughter does and did sounds very annoying and goady. I don't blame either dc or your friend for finding it irritating if it's that constant. We've just been teaching our 5 and 6 year olds at work about when it is and isnt ok to be silly, boisterous etc. Your dd needs to learn it's not always suitable to dance and also to stop doing something to someone if they've said they don't like it, not to then escalate instead. I'd have stepped in when the swirling began. It was also extremely horrid what she said to friends dd.

RAFHercules · 06/11/2021 09:21

ancientgran What I was doing there was giving an extreme example of how parents can be completely blind as to how annoying their own child can be to others.
I wasn't saying that constant dancing is as bad as spitting water. I was saying that both parents did not recognise or help to stop their child annoying others.
OP is doing her DD a disservice if she grows up thinking that she can do whatever she wants, disregarding others.

Nanny0gg · 06/11/2021 09:21

The OP’s never coming back…

Wonder why?

PlanktonsComputerWife · 06/11/2021 09:29

@NataliaOsipova ;) Magnificent username. Natasha is charm personified; my DD and I can't stop watching her as Swanhilda in Coppélia. The whole ballet is free to watch on YouTube in this gorgeous traditional production, if anyone wants a little colour in their lives this weekend.
m.youtube.com/watch?v=uE2fjFMag7E&t=3125s

DameAlyson · 06/11/2021 09:31

reacting with violence isn’t on. Show’s you can’t maturely hand a situation

She had tried. She had spoken to her mother in private, mother agreed it's annoying, but continued to put her dd in that situation, then completely failed to support her dd when she spoke up. Then neither of the adults present acted effectively when the dd yet again asked for it to stop. So this girl has learned that telling an adult and asking nicely don't work. From a 9yo's perspective, what's left? An adult could walk away; she can't.

And she'll probably remember that her mum didn't back her up when it mattered.

cansu · 06/11/2021 09:33

Your friend may well have said your dd was annoying. It does sound annoying!

The kids were both completely out of line and both need a telling off. If they don't get on you should limit the time spent together and they should be told in no uncertain terms what is acceptable.

TrufflesAndToast · 06/11/2021 09:36

@TatianaBis

It’s interesting how much more acceptable violence is than dancing on this thread. (Not in the real world obviously).
I actually think the least acceptable thing anyone did in this situation was the OP’s daughter saying the other girl was too ugly to be a dancer. That’s viciously nasty. Worse than shoving someone over who is up in your face IMO. The word violence is being used a lot in this thread but it’s a spectrum and I believe some things are worse than some acts of physical violence. Calling a nine year old girl too ugly to dance is horrific and could trigger life long issues.
WimpoleHat · 06/11/2021 09:39

@PlanktonsComputerWife Oooh - I’d missed that - thanks for the info! She is a phenomenal dancer; such stage presence. Will enjoy watching that!

AllWaxedOut · 06/11/2021 09:40

This thread is an interesting insight into how others parent.

If either of my kids (7&9) were:
-Asked not to do something by another children as it was annoying them
-Ignored their request
-Said they weren't bothered about how they felt
-Ramped up said annoying behaviour

They would be getting very little sympathy from me if the other child lost their temper! The other child's Mum told her daughter off for being physical, but OP's daughter was clearly the one on the wrong.

SalmonEile · 06/11/2021 09:40

@DameAlyson but when did she ask nicely?
It never says in the OP that the friends DD asked nicely . The story starts with the the friends DD telling , not asking , the girl to stop it and then telling her she’s annoying and trying to get her mother to insult her too.

Now , for all we know the girl HAS been “asking nicely “ before but it never says that in the OP

NataliaOsipova · 06/11/2021 09:43

I haven’t seen that either - thanks @PlanktonsComputerWife! Agree with you and Wimpole - amazing dancer. While my own walking abilities are perfectly functional, I shall never achieve such grace in real life….

On the basis of this thread, we need a ballet section on MN for sure!

ancientgran · 06/11/2021 09:43

@RAFHercules

ancientgran What I was doing there was giving an extreme example of how parents can be completely blind as to how annoying their own child can be to others. I wasn't saying that constant dancing is as bad as spitting water. I was saying that both parents did not recognise or help to stop their child annoying others. OP is doing her DD a disservice if she grows up thinking that she can do whatever she wants, disregarding others.
Why can't she do what she wants, dancing, if it isn't harming anyone and it isn't illegal? I find lots of things annoying, people who swear constantly, people who sniff, people who use loads of perfume (makes me cough) I can't go round ordering people what to do and attacking them if they don't comply.

We live on a crowded island, the little madam who was dictating to the OPs daughter needs to learn that the world doesn't revolve round what she wants and that if she doesn't learn that attacking people is wrong she will find herself in trouble with the law.

ancientgran · 06/11/2021 09:47

I actually think the least acceptable thing anyone did in this situation was the OP’s daughter saying the other girl was too ugly to be a dancer. That’s viciously nasty. Worse than shoving someone over who is up in your face IMO. The word violence is being used a lot in this thread but it’s a spectrum and I believe some things are worse than some acts of physical violence. Calling a nine year old girl too ugly to dance is horrific and could trigger life long issues*

If she'd just walked up to her and said she was ugly I'd agree but that wasn't what happened was it. The other girl told her to stop what she was doing, told her she was annoying, told her adults agreed with her which implies people had been discussing her behind her back and then physically attacked her. The OPs DD was hurt and crying when she said the other girl was ugly. A 9 year old crying and hurt.

ancientgran · 06/11/2021 09:49

[quote Block]@ancientgran I take it you have never met one of these "look at meeeeeeee!" children who are constantly in your space. They are in their own way just as tiresome as a child who (wrongly) thinks it's funny to spit water at people.[/quote]
You obviously have a different opinion about being spat on. Not something I'd compare to watching a child dance but each to their own.

Nonicknamesforcatapillars · 06/11/2021 09:59

Tbh both kids sound pretty annoying.

OPs dd sounds like she probably does annoy most people, other kids and adults alike. Constantly wanting attention and being in peoples space.

The other girl sounds like she’s been holding a grudge for a while and wanted an opportunity to upset OPs dd.

Just keep them apart in future. They’re clearly very different kids who just annoy each other.