Friends DD threw my daughter to the ground

[AmIInside]

Friends daughter is 9 (same age as my DD). My DD is very into dancing and dances constantly. She dances in the house, around the living room, in her bedroom, in the garden, in the shops, in the street - constantly. She loves it.
Friends DD does karate and often practices that too.
Yesterday we were walking home from school and DD was dancing. Friends DD told her to “stop it” saying she was annoying and said “even my mum thinks you’re annoying, don’t you mum?”. Friend went bright red and said she’d never said that and her DD said “yes you did! You said “why can’t she just walk normal, remember?” Friend quickly changed the subject but was clearly embarrassed. I felt really awkward. Didn’t know what to say. DD said “I don’t care that I annoy you, if I want to dance I will do” and started to exaggerate her dancing a little and was swirling around us all. I told her to walk properly before she ends up crashing into someone. She swirled in front of friends DD who grabbed her and threw her to the floor. She landed awkwardly in a muddy puddle and really hurt her arm. She cried like mad 😢 friend told her DD off and told her to apologise, she refused saying DD started it and should just walk normal (echoing what her mum had obviously said). In anger DD shouted that friend was too ugly to be a dancer and that’s why she’s jealous. I told her off for that remark obviously but friends did retorted that DD was an attention seeking idiot and everyone thought so, even the teachers.

Anyway it got horrible and nasty. I can’t stop thinking about it.

Did she deserve to be thrown on the floor? I don’t think so. AIBU to message the mum and tell her how upset I am about the fact she’s clearly been slagging DD off at home?

She was obviously close enough to be quickly and easily grabbed, which suggest she was too close to someone who had previously told her to back off out of her personal space.

You shouldn't bring this up with your friend - both of your kids behaved really badly. It's as much on you as on her.

Your daughter definitely didn't deserve to be thrown to the floor, because nobody does.

You do need to address all this 'swirling around', which sounds profoundly irritating and probably does wind everyone up, including her teachers. She needs to learn to keep dancing for rehearsals or her own bedroom / garden.

You've already addressed how horrible she was to your friend's DD, so I don't think you need to do any more about that, but I would give both girls some space from one another for a while.

@TractorAndHeadphones

Also to add proper dance practice is focused and dedicated. Warm up, strategic practice of moves, cool down.

What she’s doing is moving not dancing. And the sign of someone who isn’t a polished dancer

^^ This. Your DD’s was simply showing off and decided to ramp it up deliberately so I am not surprised her friend thumped her! I can remember a friend’s dd who did this at it was incredibly irritating especially as she would only do it when people were around, never when on her own (I passed her a number of times in the car or bus and she’d be walking alone, normally!) I was often sorely tempted to stick my foot out as she pranced around. It’s pure showing off and she needs to realise how stupid it looks in a o year old!

*friend’s DD

Does saying something negative always mean “slagging off”? We bite our tongue and tolerate things like annoying children. Voicing it with someone who might feel the same doesn’t necessarily make you a bad person.

*9 year old (sorry, fat fingers here! )

@Rinoachicken but she wasn’t “previously told to back off out of her personal space” she was just told how annoying she was and how her mother thinks she should walk normally.
There’s no mention that the girl told her to stop the first time because she was in her “personal space”. Just that she finds her dancing annoying.

Yesterday we were walking home from school and DD was dancing. Friends DD told her to “stop it”

Think that's a clue to give the other girl space if you want to dance.

Your daughter sounds annoying. She should stick to dancing indoors, preferably in front of you and getting in your way.

Friends DD told her to “stop it” saying she was annoying and said “even my mum thinks you’re annoying, don’t you mum?”.

She did tell her to stop it. Because she was annoying. She mightn’t have used the words “back off, youre in my personal space” (I mean, she 9!) but it it’s the same thing at that age. She knew she was pissing her friend off so that was her chance to move away or stop dancing. She chose to up her antics and get in front of her friend even more.

The other girl doesn't come off well, pushing somebody over and telling them everybody hates them is obviously unacceptable. However I do have some sympathy for her, it sounds like your DD is very irritating and was deliberately provoking her. I think you need to encourage your DD to rein it in.

Your DD sounds like a pain in the hole to be honest and her comments were mean and nasty. Billy Ellioting down the round, showing off, getting in people's way would be very wearing every bloody day ESPECIALLY when you told her to stop. Getting up into the other kids face and deliberately goading her with pirouettes would have been incredibly annoying. How you let it continue is beyond me. The other kid should not have to put up with that, you did nothing so she pushed Little Miss Glee and she fell into a muddy puddle and she did dance no more.....

She dances in shops?? FFS.

@AmIInside

No apologies, it ended with them both saying how much they hate each other. Her DD told her that nobody likes her, not even the teachers.

That’s horrible for you to hear OP and not nice everyone on the thread calling your daughter annoying PITA etc. I’d stay clear of them and also teach your daughter about respecting other people. My DS3 loves to shout and sing loudly and it gets on my nerves. I’ve told him he needs to be respectful of other people as well and not annoy them.

We don't know if your friend has been slagging off your daughter. Her daughter may have spoken to her about your DD's dancing before and the mum agreed that it was annoying and next time as your DD to stop, which she did. She could have been bitching about your daughter but there are other possibilities.

So no, I wouldn't text the other Mum.

I'd take this as an opportunity to teach both girls some things. Your friends DD shouldn't have laid a finger on your DD. Your DD was asked to stop by both you and the girl but didn't, in fact did it more , I assume to provoke a reaction, which she got. There's a learning lesson there.

They are 9 year old girls and can't be judged as adults, they're learning and need to be taught right and wrong. The Mum told her daughter off for pushing yours, I'm assuming you have talked to your daughter about not listening to you and maybe that dancing in front of people isn't always going to get a positive reaction.

I'd also have a look at why your daughter things that you have to be pretty to dance and how calling someone ugly can live with them for a very long time. Words can dig deep and last longer than a sore arm.

Hopefully the other Mum has given her daughter a stern talking to about reacting with violence.

Both girls were let down by the adults around them who should have stepped in when she asked your DD to stop.

I'd cool off the relationship between the two girls, it sounds like this may have been building for some time if the comments are anything to go by

I hope your daughters arm isn't too sore

I had a niece who was like this at that age.
It was really annoying. Always dancing or ‘doing gymnastics’ inside the house or outside. Looking over the whole time to make sure you were watching then getting huffy if not. The more you ignore it the harder she tried. Your daughters friend was probably at breaking point if she does it all the time. And her comment to her about being ugly was worse than being pushed away out of frustration IMO.

But @RachelHasThoseInBurgundy I know I sound like a broken record but we don’t know she was in her personal space , she could’ve been dancing beside her or a bit ahead , bit behind etc
The other girl could’ve found her dancing annoying for plenty of reasons - it’s embarrassing, can’t have a conversation, the sound of feet slapping off the pavement or just generally being a show off or “attention seeking idiot” as she later put it
It’s obviously something that’s been bothering the girl for a while

Maybe "Karate Kid" didn't actually grab her and throw her to the ground but merely pushed Prancer away out of her personal space. Prancer then lost her balance a tripped over?

I suspect if your DD is annoying as you yourself have made her sound you shouldn't bin off your friends that find her annoying as you may end up having none left. However you do not need the girls to be friends as it sounds as though your friend's DD has outgrown yours.

YANBU to be upset and neither is your daughter. However annoying she may have been the other girl has no right to be violent towards her and if she does do karate she should know better- it’s meant to involve discipline as much as anything. The girl’s mother sounds spiteful as well. I wouldn’t bother texting her about it, if she didn’t care before that her daughter behaved like a thug she probably won’t care now.

I would talk to the girls teacher if they’re in the same class and ensure they know that this incident has happened so they can be on the look out for anymore bullying behaviour.

Just to say also, your daughter used mean words which she shouldn’t have done but I understand why she did- she was hurt physically and emotionally (it’s not pleasant to be told “no one likes you, not even teachers”) and she lashed out, it’s a very human reaction. If she’s not usually like that I’d not give her a hard time about it.

About 9 years old is when society pushes down on little girls to act "proper", "be quiet", "don't make waves"
IOW dim their light.

Your DD clearly loves dance with all her being and there's nothing wrong with that.

The other girl was completely wrong to assault your DD like that.
She and her mother and are not friends.
I reckon you're not the only one she gossips about in a negative way and she's teaching her DD to be the same.

I wouldn't bother with either of them anymore.
I hope your DD dances to her heart's content.
Just ask her to be aware of her surroundings so she doesn't injure someone or break something so maybe not the shops.

@Glittertwins

Maybe "Karate Kid" didn't actually grab her and throw her to the ground but merely pushed Prancer away out of her personal space. Prancer then lost her balance a tripped over?

This sounds much more likely.

Wouldn't it be interesting to hear Karate Kid Mum's version of events...

@Glittertwins

Maybe "Karate Kid" didn't actually grab her and throw her to the ground but merely pushed Prancer away out of her personal space. Prancer then lost her balance a tripped over?

I would think that's quite likely.

Doesn't sound as good or garner sympathy for Op's daughter though!

Honestly thought you were going to say your DD was about 5. I had to read back to check.

I’d stop walking together, the girls clearly don’t like each other.

Your DD sounds really irritating though

Wouldn't it be interesting to hear Karate Kid Mum's version of events I reckon she'd get an even harder time that OP.

@EatYourVegetables

Many of my coworkers are annoying but I never throw anyone on the ground

I would cool the friendship to be honest. Your daughter’s behaviour does sound a little annoying, and the friends sound like they don’t really enjoy the friendship that much. That’s all pretty normal I think in friendships - they ebb and flow. The real issue is I think a completely disproportionate response which includes physical violence, which is NOT OK.

I'm assuming you're not a child?

The child was punished. End of story