Friends DD threw my daughter to the ground

[AmIInside]

Friends daughter is 9 (same age as my DD). My DD is very into dancing and dances constantly. She dances in the house, around the living room, in her bedroom, in the garden, in the shops, in the street - constantly. She loves it.
Friends DD does karate and often practices that too.
Yesterday we were walking home from school and DD was dancing. Friends DD told her to “stop it” saying she was annoying and said “even my mum thinks you’re annoying, don’t you mum?”. Friend went bright red and said she’d never said that and her DD said “yes you did! You said “why can’t she just walk normal, remember?” Friend quickly changed the subject but was clearly embarrassed. I felt really awkward. Didn’t know what to say. DD said “I don’t care that I annoy you, if I want to dance I will do” and started to exaggerate her dancing a little and was swirling around us all. I told her to walk properly before she ends up crashing into someone. She swirled in front of friends DD who grabbed her and threw her to the floor. She landed awkwardly in a muddy puddle and really hurt her arm. She cried like mad 😢 friend told her DD off and told her to apologise, she refused saying DD started it and should just walk normal (echoing what her mum had obviously said). In anger DD shouted that friend was too ugly to be a dancer and that’s why she’s jealous. I told her off for that remark obviously but friends did retorted that DD was an attention seeking idiot and everyone thought so, even the teachers.

Anyway it got horrible and nasty. I can’t stop thinking about it.

Did she deserve to be thrown on the floor? I don’t think so. AIBU to message the mum and tell her how upset I am about the fact she’s clearly been slagging DD off at home?

This was on the way home, she’s practicing for a Christmas show

The pavement that other people are walking along is not a rehearsal space. Judging by your posts you think your DD hasn't done anything wrong, at no point have you taken on all the posts saying how annoying this would be.

I have had to have this conversation with my children. I someone is annoyed enough with what you are doing to actually ask you to stop then it has already gone way beyond the point at which you should have stopped. People have to be pushed to the limit before they say something and will have been giving out non-verbal signals that they are unhappy way before that point. So if somebody asks you to please stop what you are doing the only correct response is to apologise and stop. Perhaps your DD needs to limit her dancing to dance class and at home?

Of course, none of that makes it ok for her DD to have thrown your DD to the floor (which is why she told her off for it)! Nobody has covered themselves in glory here. Both you and the other mother need to be a bit more concerned with your own children's behaviour and a bit less with each other's.

To be clear you would be completely unreasonable to escalate this with the other mother.

@LagunaBubbles to be fair the Op posted this at 9:30
and could be in work until now for all we know

So if someone assaulted you would you let that go

Truthfully if danced everywhere, in the shops, around the house, whilst walking home and deliberately exaggerated my dancing to the person honest enough to tell me how annoying I am. … well to be fair, I wouldn’t blame them for snapping and pushing me out of their personal space. Which is what I expect happened here.

Op in the nicest possible way I'm sure you love to see your talented child dance ...nobody else does, to everyone else seeing a 9 yo dancing in the street is attention seeking and slightly embarrassing tbh.

This

Why is a 9yo child an attention seeking diva (oh the sexism behind that!) because she likes to dance aorund?

People use that for over the top football players if that makes you feel better?

@AmIInside

This was on the way home, she’s practicing for a Christmas show

You don't need to practice for a show when you're walking along the street

When told by Op to stop she didn't & deliberately "swirled" in front of her friend.

Her friend pushed her out of her way.

Lesson learned by swirly girl.

She shouldn’t have thrown her, but it sounds like your DD was about to crash into her (you’d just warned her to stop dancing) and the other girl clearly got fed up of it. They’re 9, still children, scuffles happen. Your DD shouldn’t have ‘swirled’ into her personal space after being told to walk normally and not bump into people. Letting her dance everywhere isn’t helping her.

I would find it very annoying if a child that age danced everywhere, it does come across as attention seeking and makes her look silly and a bit self obsessed. She’s 9 not 3. Imagine if she were skipping everywhere, or running rings around people, wouldn’t you insist she stopped? Dancing’s great but there’s a time and a place. If she’s dancing and swirling everywhere she’s not paying attention to where she’s going in the street, or focusing on conversations or on other people.

In your shoes I’d be strict about when it’s appropriate to dance (at home, at dance class, in the garden, at the park etc) and explain how irritating it is if she’s dancing in the street or constantly twirling around.

The comment your daughter made about friend being ‘too ugly to dance’ was downright cruel and spiteful. I would have come down a lot harder on her.

I think it’s fair enough if your friend said your daughter’s behaviour was annoying, it would annoy many people, it’s just unfortunate her child repeated it.

Your daughter may love dancing, but I’d remind her how it comes across if she does it all the time.

I would be concerned if my dd was saying nasty personal insults, and being annoying at school. She didn’t deserve to be hurt, and it sounds like this friendship may have run its course.

that's where socialisation of girls starts. Teaching then that they hve to appease anyne and everyone and can't just be themselves.

What is it teaching the other girl? That she just has to put up with unwanted behaviour, because the person doing it is just being herself and ignores requests to stop and neither of the adults present intervene effectively?

People can be themselves up to the point where them being themselves has a negative impact on somebody else.

@TravelLost

I'm with you *@AmIInside*

I hate this idea that because someone told yur dd that she was annoyijg/they like her dancing then she HAS TO stop doingw hat she enjoys.
thyat's where socialisation of grils starts. Teaching then that they hve to appease anyne and everyone and can't just be themselves.

It’s not about appeasing other people. It’s about respecting their boundaries, personal space and right to walk down the street without being pranced and jumped on.

Its wrong to teach anyone, girl or boy, to be so rude, entitled and disrespectful of other people that all they care about is what they enjoy and sod everyone else. Please don’t dress up such entitled and inconsiderate behaviour as some kind of feminism.

She can be herself as much as she likes. What she doesn’t get to do is trample over other peoples’ boundaries and personal space in the process.

@BoredZelda

The mother of that girl isn’t on the thread. If she was people would probably be saying to her “what she said was unpleasant and cruel, and she needs to know it’s unacceptable” or a version of that.

The whole tone here is that it was tit for tat. Calling a child "vile" for responding in kind to an equally vile statement, is unnecessary.

I called the remark vile, not the child.

Get it right.

Before I am shot down in flames, I will state that I think hitting out is never a solution to a problem, can quickly escalate and is never something I would condone.
That said, these are two nine year olds who really need to be made more aware of the chain of consequences. If you hadn't done x, then y wouldn't have happened etc. Blame on both sides ( to varying degrees) trickles along through this little scenario.
No one knows for sure what the back story is here and we are all just making assumptions. Had Girl 1 been irritating Girl 2 all day at school with the constant twirling and Girl 2 was at the end of her tether with it all? Had Girl 2 tried to get adult help in dealing with the problem and was frustrated that it was still happening? (Not an excuse to lash out but everyone must have their breaking point, especially children !).
Feeling hurt that a friend has been caught out saying something negative about your child is a natural reaction but it needs to be put into perspective. I personally would not be contacting the friend about it as what was apparently said is not really malicious. The friend is entitled to feel irritated by the constant dancing and is entitled to say so at home. As others have posted, we have no way of knowing how that conversation went between Girl 2 and her mum.
Unless the pushing is a repeated pattern of behaviour by Girl 2, which would certainly need addressing very promptly, then I really think this is a storm in a teacup.

@Brefugee

there is a reason there is a criminal age of responsibility, so saying this wouldn't fly in court is ridiculous.

Exactly! The reason that 9 is under the age of criminal responsibility is because 9 year olds can't be expected to control themselves perfectly all the time. So the law reflects that. Saying that it would be assault if she was a bit older is moot because she isn't, so it's not.

She didn't deserve to be thrown to the ground but she sounds like an extremely annoying kid. The dancing in the first place sounds irritating if people are trying to walk to get somewhere, and the exaggerated dancing sounds infuriating. Then she called her friend ugly?! I'm sorry, but your child doesn't sound very nice at all.

As a parent, I'd be really irritated by all that dancing and I'd probably also have said to my daughter "why can't she just walk normally?" They're 9, not little pre schoolers.

You think the dancing is sweet and cute but to others, it's clearly annoying. There's a time and a place for it, and trying to walk somewhere isn't it!

Both children behaved poorly. Karate girl should not have knocked yours to the ground. Ballet girl should not have ignored multiple requests to stop.

Ballet girl escalated the situation by continuing, exaggerating and goading.

Karate girl then escalated in response.

Neither escalations would have happened if both the ADULTS there had actually stepped up and parented properly!

Karate mum could have acknowledged her daughter was reaching her limit (possibly for a long time) and either raised it with you beforehand or could have walked her child away when things began to get heated.

Ballet mum should have enforced her child stopping when asked, not allowed her to continue and to deliberately be even more provocative.

The kids were pushed into resolving it themselves (and at 9 they don’t often get it right as seen here!) because neither of their mothers were prepared to do so!

This is why parents should be careful what they say to their kids! Your friends DD sounds rude and a bit of a nasty streak to resort to violence straight away.

Dancing and showing off is annoying but your friends DD shouldn't have been violent! Your friend was also out of order for calling your DD annoying to her daughter, it's bad for her to be slagging a child off to another child

'Contact the karate teacher / school and make a formal complaint about what she did (name and address). She will be kicked out in no time as they have a strict code of conduct.'

Some people on this thread are fuckin nuts!! There 9 year old little girls.

Your kid sounds like a bit of a weirdo tbh. She’s 9, by that age she should know that’s it’s not appropriate to dance about everywhere and she should know if someone finds it annoying not to do it right in their face.

Obviously the other kid shouldn’t have reacted that way, but she had already told her to stop and you hadn’t enforced that.

I feel sorry for your friend, she obviously thinks that you should be telling your kid to grow up a bit.

@Canunot

Your kid sounds like a bit of a weirdo tbh. She’s 9, by that age she should know that’s it’s not appropriate to dance about everywhere and she should know if someone finds it annoying not to do it right in their face.

Obviously the other kid shouldn’t have reacted that way, but she had already told her to stop and you hadn’t enforced that.

I feel sorry for your friend, she obviously thinks that you should be telling your kid to grow up a bit.

Oh fgs she doesn't sound like a 'weirdo' at all. Her dd's arsey 'friend' and equally arsey mother need to sort out their social skills.

....to resort to violence straight away

She didn't! She 'resorted to violence' when Dancing Girl had ignored her requests to stop, had ignored her own mother's request to stop, and had persisted in the unwanted behaviour. What was she supposed to do?

If this had been Dancing Boy rather than Dancing Girl, everyone would be saying that he needs to learn that Stop means Stop.

@Canunot

Your kid sounds like a bit of a weirdo tbh. She’s 9, by that age she should know that’s it’s not appropriate to dance about everywhere and she should know if someone finds it annoying not to do it right in their face.

Obviously the other kid shouldn’t have reacted that way, but she had already told her to stop and you hadn’t enforced that.

I feel sorry for your friend, she obviously thinks that you should be telling your kid to grow up a bit.

Ironic you suggest at 9 years old the kids should know what's appropriate, where as you as I presume as a grown adult don't seem to, calling a kid a weirdo is out of order and inappropriate!

I'd go mad if my 9 year old danced non-stop. It's not safe to do it whilst walking. Other child unreasonable but so was your DD. And you.

If you are going text say something like Kids huh ? Hope they can sort things out between them x

I'd say they were both in the wrong.