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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Friends DD threw my daughter to the ground

748 replies

AmIInside · 05/11/2021 09:32

Friends daughter is 9 (same age as my DD). My DD is very into dancing and dances constantly. She dances in the house, around the living room, in her bedroom, in the garden, in the shops, in the street - constantly. She loves it.
Friends DD does karate and often practices that too.
Yesterday we were walking home from school and DD was dancing. Friends DD told her to “stop it” saying she was annoying and said “even my mum thinks you’re annoying, don’t you mum?”. Friend went bright red and said she’d never said that and her DD said “yes you did! You said “why can’t she just walk normal, remember?” Friend quickly changed the subject but was clearly embarrassed. I felt really awkward. Didn’t know what to say. DD said “I don’t care that I annoy you, if I want to dance I will do” and started to exaggerate her dancing a little and was swirling around us all. I told her to walk properly before she ends up crashing into someone. She swirled in front of friends DD who grabbed her and threw her to the floor. She landed awkwardly in a muddy puddle and really hurt her arm. She cried like mad 😢 friend told her DD off and told her to apologise, she refused saying DD started it and should just walk normal (echoing what her mum had obviously said). In anger DD shouted that friend was too ugly to be a dancer and that’s why she’s jealous. I told her off for that remark obviously but friends did retorted that DD was an attention seeking idiot and everyone thought so, even the teachers.

Anyway it got horrible and nasty. I can’t stop thinking about it.

Did she deserve to be thrown on the floor? I don’t think so. AIBU to message the mum and tell her how upset I am about the fact she’s clearly been slagging DD off at home?

OP posts:
always2tired · 05/11/2021 12:43

@DillyDilly

The friend shouldn’t have pushed your daughter, the friend shouldn’t have repeated what her mum said, your daughter should have stopped twirling around when you asked, your daughter shouldn’t have called her friend ugly.

But it does sound like your daughter is an attention seeking diva, dancing in shops, school, walking home, from school and so on. Surely you can see how annoying it would be to others.

Maybe cool the friendship for a bit and walk home by yourselves.

This about sums it up. ^
TravelLost · 05/11/2021 12:43

I'm with you @AmIInside

I hate this idea that because someone told yur dd that she was annoyijg/they like her dancing then she HAS TO stop doingw hat she enjoys.
thyat's where socialisation of grils starts. Teaching then that they hve to appease anyne and everyone and can't just be themselves.

BananaPB · 05/11/2021 12:43

Are the girls friends at school or is this more about the mums being friends and why not walk home with a classmate?

ChequerBoard · 05/11/2021 12:45

"Contact the karate teacher / school and make a formal complaint about what she did (name and address). She will be kicked out in no time as they have a strict code of conduct."

Oh yes that's a really proportionate response. Are you also suggesting the OP's daughter is 'reported' to the dancing school for deliberating swirling in front of her friend.

Bloody ridiculous.

girlmom21 · 05/11/2021 12:45

Contact the karate teacher / school and make a formal complaint about what she did (name and address). She will be kicked out in no time as they have a strict code of conduct.

She wouldn't be kicked out at all. If anything they'd just remind her of discipline and use it as a lesson.

But they'd probably ask the mother for her version of events too which I'd assume is different to the version shared here.

However, if she was kicked out, how would she learn to defend herself? That's something we should be encouraging young girls to learn how to do, albeit they should be learning and practicing in a safe, controlled environment.

TheOriginalEmu · 05/11/2021 12:45

My daughter was a competitive gymnast at 9 and went through a stage of doing cartwheels and box splits etc wherever she stood. She was told to pack it in and stop getting in peoples way. So she did.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 05/11/2021 12:46

You would move away because you are an adult not a 9 year old and because you have been taught at that age it is wrong to use violence, the girl will very probably learn the same as she has now been told violence is wrong.

Presumably if someone asked you to stop doing something because it was annoying then you would have the decency to stop.
Dancing dd has not yet learned that it is not ok to continue annoying people because she is being allowed to do it.

Hankunamatata · 05/11/2021 12:46

@TravelLost

I'm with you *@AmIInside*

I hate this idea that because someone told yur dd that she was annoyijg/they like her dancing then she HAS TO stop doingw hat she enjoys.
thyat's where socialisation of grils starts. Teaching then that they hve to appease anyne and everyone and can't just be themselves.

Its not teaching appeasement - its teaching bloody basic manners
RachelHasThoseInBurgundy · 05/11/2021 12:47

@TravelLost

I'm with you *@AmIInside*

I hate this idea that because someone told yur dd that she was annoyijg/they like her dancing then she HAS TO stop doingw hat she enjoys.
thyat's where socialisation of grils starts. Teaching then that they hve to appease anyne and everyone and can't just be themselves.

But sometimes people are actually being annoying and should stop.
shouldistop · 05/11/2021 12:47

Contact the karate teacher / school and make a formal complaint about what she did (name and address). She will be kicked out in no time as they have a strict code of conduct.

Imagine being that spiteful

fuckyourpronouns · 05/11/2021 12:48

Oh dear

It sounds like a valuable life lesson for all concerned tbh.

Your friend now knows that she needs to be careful about what she says because her DD might repeat it which may embarrass her.

Your DD has learnt that being an annoying child and continuing to do something which you have been told is annoying may have consequences (not condoning her being hurt btw - that wasn't acceptable)

Children are human beings. Human beings react when pushed and children do have a lower tolerance and understanding that adults. It sounds like your DD is irritating and tbh if lots of people feel that way then it's better that you work on that with her now rather than let it continue to get worse as she gets older.

Dancing and being Merry is lovely and I hope she does well in it for the future but it doesn't give her Carte Blanche to do what she wants when she's told she's annoying people. She's old enough to walk properly if requested and be considerate of others around her.

TravelLost · 05/11/2021 12:48

But it does sound like your daughter is an attention seeking diva, dancing in shops, school, walking home, from school and so on. Surely you can see how annoying it would be to others.

Why?
Why is a 9yo child an attention seeking diva (oh the sexism behind that!) because she likes to dance aorund? If she isn't doing that right in front of someone so it stops them walking (which was NOT the case. Itwas a case of someone decding it was annoying), why is an issue??

She'll learn soon enough to 'waqlk normally'.

However, the issue all started because the other mum has no issue slagging a child in front of her dd. And then you wonder why the 'friend' just repeated those words and use that as a stick to have a go at the dd....
Telling her dd off because she was in company and really couldnt do anything else is a sign of good parenting. It must have left the friend confused. And has tauht her that you should just say the right thing in front of others to look good whilst slagging them off and putting a child down for being .. well childish... is OK.
Yep great parenting there....

sweeneytoddsrazor · 05/11/2021 12:49

@TravelLost
In that case karate girl can then throw dancing girl as much as she wishes because thats what she enjoys?

RachelHasThoseInBurgundy · 05/11/2021 12:50

Interestingly when I have attended women’s self defence classes I was told, by the male instructor, that my voice was my first tool, and that if someone is invading my space I tell them (not ask) to stop doing it. Maybe I’m only allowed to tell males though?

TravelLost · 05/11/2021 12:50

@AmIInside, personally I would distance myself from the (mum) friend. I would have no trust of what she is saying behind your back about you or your dd

Nailingnow · 05/11/2021 12:51

@SnowWhitesSM

If I was you I'd text the mum and say - bloody dds are so annoying (both of them) shall we take them for a hot chocolate tomorrow and get them to apologise to each other and be friends again.

Otherwise you will both fall out and your dds will be best friends again next week making it awkward.

Kids are annoying. Both your dds sound annoying. You need to speak to your dd and tell her she's old enough to walk nicely now and that is what you expect. She can practice her dancing in dance class and her room.

I think this is best. Either this or lose a friend.
sweeneytoddsrazor · 05/11/2021 12:51

How is twirling and swirling around people not doing it front of them

TatianaBis · 05/11/2021 12:52

[quote girlmom21]@TatianaBis OP's version of events aren't really reliable when she's clearly very dramatic.

You're still not getting the bit where throwing someone to the floor is going to do them a bit of damage. They wouldn't just stand up and call you ugly.

The girl couldn't move away because the OP's daughter wouldn't let her. HTH Hmm[/quote]
If you’re calling the OP a liar, just say so. The claim to omniscience is unconvincing.

The girl did do some damage: DD ‘landed awkwardly’ in a puddle ad ‘hurt her arm’. Of course you could get up from that.

ChequerBoard · 05/11/2021 12:52

"Why?
Why is a 9yo child an attention seeking diva (oh the sexism behind that!) because she likes to dance aorund? If she isn't doing that right in front of someone so it stops them walking (which was NOT the case. Itwas a case of someone decding it was annoying), why is an issue??"

Because she didn't just carry on with her normal dancing when asked to stop she exaggerated her dancing and as the OP said 'swirled in front of them all' thus getting in their personal space.

That was more than annoying behaviour that was actually aggressive in its own way.

Nanny0gg · 05/11/2021 12:52

Why do you allow your DD to dance in shops or wherever else she feels like?

Why didn't you intervene when the friend asked her to stop doing it in front of her?

Obviously she didn't deserve to be hurt, but you really need to make her more considerate of others too.

TravelLost · 05/11/2021 12:53

[quote sweeneytoddsrazor]@TravelLost
In that case karate girl can then throw dancing girl as much as she wishes because thats what she enjoys?[/quote]
Well you know very well that the answer is NO because they are two very different things.

in one case, you have a child being childish and dancing.

In the other, you would have a child doing something to another child, something that the other child would not want (issue with consent). and has the potential for hurting the child (as it has been the case here). Karate has never been meant to be done in the street eanyway...

Dacing around has never been hurtful to other people. Unless it then trips someone over etc... which was NOT the case.... It's kst a child being childish. Like any child can be.

RockinHorseShit · 05/11/2021 12:53

Oh & my cousin was exactly like your DD & it was bloody annoying to be in her company with her constantly showing off her dance moves & basically being an attention seeking arse. She was a talented dancer, but like yours loved to show off & had no boundaries

As an adult she cringes at her behaviour & made damned sure her own DD knew not to do it. She was never a professional dancer either, despite everyone saying she would be... teen hormones kicked in & she preferred boys & beer to dancing. She's successful in an entirely different field though

MichelleScarn · 05/11/2021 12:55

@shouldistop

Contact the karate teacher / school and make a formal complaint about what she did (name and address). She will be kicked out in no time as they have a strict code of conduct.

Imagine being that spiteful

Bloody hell, contact the karate school?! Shock
RockinHorseShit · 05/11/2021 12:56

Why is a 9yo child an attention seeking diva (oh the sexism behind that!)

Erm, I call my friend an attention seeking Diva... because when at times HE is

Yummymummy2020 · 05/11/2021 12:56

It sounds like there was a build up of annoyance on the friends daughters behalf, I can see why your daughter sounds annoying to say the least. She shouldn’t have been thrown to the ground but she also was being a pain in the ass so I would work on her behaviour to try minimise that as it’s bound to annoy other kids and adults too. I think sometimes it’s easy to view our own kids as less of a pain than other people might. I wouldn’t ruin a friendship over this, and I would definitely have a serious conversation with your daughter about being unkind as unfortunately it may be a case she has said these things to the friend before and she may have had enough and threw her.