Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Buying MILs holiday home.

217 replies

strengthinnumber · 04/11/2021 18:17

My MIL has owned a holiday home for over 30 years. She was an accidental landlord under strange circumstances and apparently nearly sold it a couple of times in the early years, but ended up keeping it and renting it out either as a family home or latterly as a holiday let.

Because of where it is it's now worth a lot of money (3 beds, parking, garden,10 mins walking distance to lovely seaside town and beach.) We've always holidayed there with her at least once a year as have my DH's siblings.

Some background. DH doesn't really like the place due to bad memories. His siblings either pretend the bad memories aren't a thing (SIL) or actively revel in being in the place and happy as a kind of giant fuck you to the person who MIL inherited from (BIL). Anyway there was a bit of drama with the house over the summer which apparently made MIL think, and she's decided to sell the house. But she wants DH and his siblings to buy it.

She's offering it to us for less than the market price (but an amount that won't be queried for IHT purposes. SIL works in this field and it's legal and watertight). This is still a comfortable 6 figure sum from each of us though.

I think it's a no brainer. Rental income is stellar and we would be getting a great asset at a fantastic price. The kids love it and we've had fabulous holidays there.

BIL and SIL are on board as well. However DH is flatly refusing. His reasons: he still feels uncomfortable in the house. He'd have to be in business with his brother and sister who (in fairness) are a bit much. He worries his mum will miss the income. We'd have to use most of our savings to buy it.

Basically I think he's digging his heels in because he doesn't want to own it because he doesn't like it. And I get it. But hey- if necessary we never have to go there again. It's still daft to turn down the opportunity to purchase it. It would provide a better pension for us in later life and help fund the kids through university. I'm very frustrated as he's letting his feelings about the place make him miss out on a very sensible financial opportunity.

Now MIL has approached me directly and asked if I'd like to buy DHs share (she wants her grandchildren to benefit). I have some personal investments I could sell plus technically half the savings are mine (we've contributed equally over the years).

Would IBTA if I did this. Mil seems to think DH won't mind and that in fact he'd be happy eventually to gave the decision taken out of his hands.

OP posts:
Zarene · 04/11/2021 18:21

You would be extremely unreasonable to do it without discussing it with your H.

That would go for any investment, but particularly one involving his family and (or sound like) some the ing traumatic for him.

Atalune · 04/11/2021 18:24

Sounds like he really doesn’t want to be involved.

You can’t go behind his back and do it. So for that reason I think it’s a non starter really….

Pumpkinsonparade · 04/11/2021 18:25

Trips of misery for your dh? Hardly fair imo.

Knitwit101 · 04/11/2021 18:26

He's told you he really doesn't want it. You shouldn't just go ahead and buy it anyway.
Sounds like he's got good reasons, even if they are emotional ones and not financial ones. You should respect his feelings and let it go.

How would you feel if he did this to you? I would be really angry.

Palavah · 04/11/2021 18:26

Will any of you actually holiday there, or just treat it as a business sideline?

Original poster
strengthinnumber · 04/11/2021 18:27

It would be treated as a business. Just a business. He'd never have to go there again if he didn't want to.

I wouldn't do it behind his back. I'd be upfront that I was buying it and how.

OP posts:
BonesInTheOcean · 04/11/2021 18:28

I'd hate it.

I would not be happy if my partner went behind my back and did something like this

Original poster
strengthinnumber · 04/11/2021 18:29

He's normally such a smart sensible financially astute man that I'm just nonplussed about this.

I get why he doesn't like the place. But also we're not talking "seaside house of horror" here, just somewhere he was forced to go and spent time with someone he thoroughly disliked

OP posts:
minipie · 04/11/2021 18:30

You absolutely can’t do it behind DH’s back if that’s what you’re suggesting.

Personally I don’t think it’s such a great investment anyway for the BIL and SIL reason. You’d have to manage it jointly with them but more than that, you’d never have full control over it as an investment. What if you want to sell but they don’t or vice versa?

Original poster
strengthinnumber · 04/11/2021 18:30

@BonesInTheOcean

I'd hate it.

I would not be happy if my partner went behind my back and did something like this

I'd tell him I was doing it. But it would be me not him.
OP posts:
Lasair · 04/11/2021 18:30

Buy it. You’ll kick yourself if you don’t.

Hoppinggreen · 04/11/2021 18:31

It’s up to DH and in any case you would be presumably own 1/3 of the house. Then once you all die your dc will own a smaller amount and any divorces will make things even more complicated.
The whole thing is a complete can of worms

GogCymraeg · 04/11/2021 18:32

Has your mil had proper advice about Capital Gains Tax?

TwinklyBranch · 04/11/2021 18:33

Have you posted about this before? If not there's someone else's DH who really hates his family holiday home.

Anyway, in your shoes I wouldn't buy it unless my DH was on board.

Burnamer · 04/11/2021 18:33

That is no way to conduct a marriage. You seem to be hinting that there was some kind of abuse and If my DH did something like that I’d be so hurt.

ChargingBuck · 04/11/2021 18:34

Mil seems to think DH won't mind and that in fact he'd be happy eventually to gave the decision taken out of his hands.

Yeah, & this is the same woman who dismisses DH's feelings about some obviously unpleasant childhood memories connected to the house, so why are you taking her word for it?

& why are you listening to MiL, & asking for advice/(validation for the decision you want) here BEFORE talking to your own husband?

It sounds somewhat as if DH's family dynamic is to dismiss his feelings & opinion. Don't compound that - nobody needs that from their spouse.

Ask yourself one question:
DH doesn't really like the place due to bad memories.

I think it's a no brainer. Rental income is stellar and we would be getting a great asset at a fantastic price.

Which is more important to you - DH's wellbeing, or making some money?

Even if it's making money, do you have to invest in a place that you know causes him pain? Why can you not put your money into a different second home, one you can both be happy & comfortable about?

Sorry if this is coming over harsh OP but I cannot believe you are conspiring behind DH's back with his mother, about something that might cause him significant pain.

What will you do if he feels betrayed? Continue to railroad him, or back off for the sake of marital harmony?

Watchingyou2sleezes · 04/11/2021 18:34

I imagine you'd be splitting up shortly after.

Concentrate on the numbers, ask him to justify why the numbers make it a bad idea

Original poster
strengthinnumber · 04/11/2021 18:34

@GogCymraeg

Has your mil had proper advice about Capital Gains Tax?
This is SILs job. It's all being very carefully managed and above board. SIL needs to be whiter than white for her job anyway
OP posts:
MagicMojito · 04/11/2021 18:35

You are be so so unreasonable and I'd actually feel really betrayed in your husbands position, so much so that it would make me question my relationship.

It may be financially a good idea but you say yourself that it has bad memories for your dh.
It would be tainted money.

Original poster
strengthinnumber · 04/11/2021 18:35

Again. No abuse at the house. He just hated the person who lived there and was forced to spend time with them.

OP posts:
M0rT · 04/11/2021 18:36

I'd divorce my husband if he went behind my back and did something like this with my family.

Chunkymenrock · 04/11/2021 18:36

I wouldn't do it. All the siblings involved? No thanks. I see trouble ahead...

Soontobe60 · 04/11/2021 18:36

@strengthinnumber

It would be treated as a business. Just a business. He'd never have to go there again if he didn't want to. I wouldn't do it behind his back. I'd be upfront that I was buying it and how.
It’s not just a business to him though. Imagine if the tables were turned and he wanted to buy a house which you associated with bad memories. He’d be a bit of a knob if he dismissed your feelings. That’s what you want to do to him.
TeenMinusTests · 04/11/2021 18:36

I wouldn't.

I have part owned something with family and it is a bit of nightmare. Some wanted to sell, some didn't, then agreeing the price. Similar with renting when different people think different rates are reasonable.

You'll have arguments about upkeep and redecorating, plus who gets to stay in it for Easter etc with some wanting to stay and others thinking it should be rented out for money.

Plus you are solidifying your savings in such a way they can't be easily liquidated.
Bad idea imo.

FlowerFlour · 04/11/2021 18:37

Why would you want to tie yourself financially to your BIL and SIL? What if one of you wanted to sell it but the others didn't? Or if you all fell out? Or one of them (or you!) got divorced and their spouse made a claim on the property? It just sounds like a minefield.

Aside from that, your DH isn't on board. I think you're being blinded by the ££ signs. You say he's usually financially astute and sensible, so let him have this one. Not everything is about money.

Swipe left for the next trending thread