Can I leave a 12-year-old home alone for an hour?

[TheDuchess1979]

My ds is a fairly sensible 12 yo who is in year 8 of secondary school. As I work full time, I pay for a childminder for before/after school as I think being alone for a couple of hours is too much.
My dh and I are hoping to go to a dance class on Sunday night which is a 5 minute drive away for 45 minutes. AIBU to leave ds home alone?

@OfTheNight

Why are you doing such long days as a Secondary teacher? Is a lot of it commuting time? Are you working for an academy with set hours? Are you new to the role?

It’s an hour’s commute. I like to be there by 7.30am as the kids start arriving from 8am so it gives me 30 minutes to get organised, catch up with my team etc. I’m usually on duty until about 3.30pm (making sure kids get picked up/on the bus safely), then after school clubs/detentions, then meetings until about 5pm. I do all my planning/marking etc at home.

Doesn’t he walk to and from school alone at that age or at least get the bus alone? There’s no issue with any secondary school child staying home alone, I can’t believe this is even being asked tbh!

I dont think my 12 year old would notice I wasnt in the house

People say this sort of thing but I was home alone a lot and externally I was fine, totally competent etc. but internally it was lonely.

I think the op is caring for her child by fixing a child minder. Many kids prefer company and care.

This has just popped into my head. I’ve been thinking about what age my (now adult) dsc were when we left them home alone to go for dinner to a restaurant that was a 10 minute walk away. They were 11 & 13. DSD burned her legs by “having a try” of my hair removal cream and DSS pulled one of the kitchen cupboard of the wall by yanking it too hard.

This may explain my reluctance 😂

@rrhuth

I dont think my 12 year old would notice I wasnt in the house

People say this sort of thing but I was home alone a lot and externally I was fine, totally competent etc. but internally it was lonely.

I think the op is caring for her child by fixing a child minder. Many kids prefer company and care.

Agreed. My DS barely notices when I’m here but I still think that he’s happy to know I am here (if that makes sense)

@MsTSwift

My just turned 13 year old is extremely grown up and capable and I wouldn’t have safety concerns about leaving her. That said I think it would be abit miserable for her to be on her own after school every day. We both wfh so not an issue but don’t think the childminder idea is that bad.

I agree with this tbh I think some people are being rather over zealous. If the child prefers some company for those 3 hours everyday then there is nothing wrong with that, 'growing up' will happen naturally with with time.

100% yes. My child is 11 and in year 7 and she regularly stays at home alone for a couple of hours.

I feel everyone was quick to be harsh here! Overall an hour alone is absolutely ok. You'll soon learn if you can trust him!

However if you're not about for hours on end after school every day then having someone keep an eye and prep dinner etc sounds sensible to me! He could get pretty lonely otherwise.

Year 8 is getting on a bit, you could ask him his opinion on dropping the support slowly? Teach him to make a few meals himself etc?

I regularly leave my 12 yo, Y8 child on his own, he likes it. When I need to take the dog out, when I need to take the older one to matches, even on inset days if we both need to work. I would not worry.

My one knows how to operate the oven (not allowed to use if I am not home), can cook pasta, operate the microwave etc and then strict instructions not to open the door if it's someone he doesn't know

Maybe do a bit of a trial

I can understand why you have a childminder. Alone for three hours after school is quite a long time to be left to their own devices. What I am amazed at is that your ds goes there willingly. My ds would point blank refuse to go!

@TheDuchess1979

This has just popped into my head. I’ve been thinking about what age my (now adult) dsc were when we left them home alone to go for dinner to a restaurant that was a 10 minute walk away. They were 11 & 13. DSD burned her legs by “having a try” of my hair removal cream and DSS pulled one of the kitchen cupboard of the wall by yanking it too hard.

This may explain my reluctance 😂

erm yes!

I think you've had a lot of harsh comments. It doesn't sound like helicoptering at all, it sounds like you're raising a secure child, who knows you have his back. And you've obviously picked a good CM.

Yes, you can leave him at home for an hour.

What I'd also put to him as well as to childminder is that every other day he stays at home and cooks his own meal (something simple) etc - or has a snack and maybe helps to prepare the evening meal. at least then he still has the childminder option as well as being at home.

@TheDuchess1979

I seem to be getting a lot of flack for having a childminder which was not the original question. There’s no back story to this, it just seemed like a logical choice for a number of reasons:

1. DH and I work long hours and I wanted DS to have his dinner at a sensible time and have some company after school.

2. He has only just turned 12. His 3 best mates all have SAHMs or WFH mums so his experience isn’t really any different to his peers.

3. (and I avoided saying this because I didn’t want to sound like a dick) We have a big house with a complicated alarm system and I worried about him locking up in the morning/getting in at night. He is the kind of kid who leaves doors/windows open (a bit of a daydreamer).

4. DH was left to fend for himself from a very young age and he hated it. I used to go to my grandparents after school so neither of us thought home alone every afternoon at his age was a great idea.

5. Being a subject teacher in a secondary school is very different to being a parent. Often at parents’ evenings, I’ll be told that kids “act totally different at home.” Plus, the bulk of children at my school get picked up by their parents/grandparents in year 7/8.

Couldn't you speak to his 3 best friends mums and have him go to their house (if ok with them?) after school occasionally?

My DB (and me) used to go to best friend's houses after school sometimes for meals etc and to hang out.

I think it might be an idea to show him how to use/set the alarm system etc just for future reference.

A y8 doesn't need a childminder! I'd have been mortified.

Does your school do Food tech?
Ds2 cooked spag bol, chicken curry, victoria sponge recently in year 8, and did loads in year 7, scones, bread in food tech last year, year 7.

@Oblomov21

Does your school do Food tech? Ds2 cooked spag bol, chicken curry, victoria sponge recently in year 8, and did loads in year 7, scones, bread in food tech last year, year 7.

He can cook! I can’t stress enough that the childminder has been more about knowing he has a solid meal and some company (and homework encouragement) before I get home.

I think it's quite unusual for a 12 year old to go to a child minder full stop. There is no way my 12 year old ( or any of her friends ) would agree to this, nor would I think it was needed.
My daughter lets herself in after school and is just fine until I get home from work. In the summer holidays she was home most days alone or out with friends ( as a single parent I had limited options and I work full time).

To be fair, loads of 12 year olds can cook a meal but cooking a meal every single night would definitely be a bit much imo. I think it's a tricky age...ok to be left alone for an hour but for hours every afternoon, it's a bit different.