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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can I leave a 12-year-old home alone for an hour?

168 replies

TheDuchess1979 · 03/11/2021 22:47

My ds is a fairly sensible 12 yo who is in year 8 of secondary school. As I work full time, I pay for a childminder for before/after school as I think being alone for a couple of hours is too much.
My dh and I are hoping to go to a dance class on Sunday night which is a 5 minute drive away for 45 minutes. AIBU to leave ds home alone?

OP posts:
Original poster
TheDuchess1979 · 04/11/2021 08:03

@TirednWorried - my husband drops him off at the Childminder’s on his way to the train Station.

OP posts:
AdelindSchade · 04/11/2021 08:05

He will be fine for the dance class as long as he is ok with it. Dd is a year older than yours and we can now go out say for 6pm and come back for 10 and she is absolutely fine with that.

I think you are getting an overly hard time about the child minding. As pp have said though you could maybe try dropping a day and see how he gets on. Would save you some money as well!

WholeClassKeptIn · 04/11/2021 08:09

It would certainly be very unusual to leave your child that long in my area! I dont think my child or many of her friends would like to be left that long every day.

But that wasn't OPs question! Mine doesn't like being home alone when its darkn(so will come with me to take other child to sport for example) but would find it easier in the summer.

userg5647 · 04/11/2021 08:11

Your 12 year old has a childminder...does he have to go with other young children?!

Oblomov21 · 04/11/2021 08:14

Are you serious? You haven't left him before? Why not? This is very OTT. Is there a back story here?

Oblomov21 · 04/11/2021 08:16

My yr 8 for years had been happy to be left. Plays x box, barely notices I'm gone!

Oblomov21 · 04/11/2021 08:16

Please please drop the childminder.

Oblomov21 · 04/11/2021 08:19

I think it's worrying that OP is a teacher, who has no idea what is normal.

Original poster
TheDuchess1979 · 04/11/2021 08:32

I seem to be getting a lot of flack for having a childminder which was not the original question. There’s no back story to this, it just seemed like a logical choice for a number of reasons:

  1. DH and I work long hours and I wanted DS to have his dinner at a sensible time and have some company after school.

  2. He has only just turned 12. His 3 best mates all have SAHMs or WFH mums so his experience isn’t really any different to his peers.

  3. (and I avoided saying this because I didn’t want to sound like a dick) We have a big house with a complicated alarm system and I worried about him locking up in the morning/getting in at night. He is the kind of kid who leaves doors/windows open (a bit of a daydreamer).

  4. DH was left to fend for himself from a very young age and he hated it. I used to go to my grandparents after school so neither of us thought home alone every afternoon at his age was a great idea.

  5. Being a subject teacher in a secondary school is very different to being a parent. Often at parents’ evenings, I’ll be told that kids “act totally different at home.” Plus, the bulk of children at my school get picked up by their parents/grandparents in year 7/8.

OP posts:
Oblomov21 · 04/11/2021 08:33

This thread is wierd. Op makes a point of saying she leaves at 6.30am. So we all look in horror, no no a child can't be left alone for hours, at 6.30am, good god.

But now it transpires that her husband walks DS to the childminder on his way to the train station for work.

So, HER leaving at 6.30 am is irrelevant, disingenuous and deliberately trying to take us down a path and imply something that it now transpires is not true.

Original poster
TheDuchess1979 · 04/11/2021 08:41

@Oblomov21 I’m not sure what I’ve said to upset you but my husband takes my son at 6.45/6.50am.

I mention my working hours because those are the times I’m out of the house. If I could start later, then I would let my son leave from home to catch his bus at 8am. I mentioned that my husband does the drop off because I wanted to make it clear that he helps out but also works long hours.

OP posts:
Ugzbugz · 04/11/2021 08:54

My son is In year 8 and I have to work several evenings a month getting home at 9. Last night he let himself in, I left him dinner ready and got home at 9, he was fine but we are in a flat, maybe that's different.

I had no idea you could get childcare after junior school. If covid hadn't happened he would have been home alone most nights as I wouldn't have been allowed to WFH.

Grida · 04/11/2021 08:57

I think people are being a bit mean to OP. Children vary enormously at this age. I wouldn’t like leaving my 12yo son for hours everyday. I know plenty do and that is fine but it isn’t suitable for every child. My son is happy to be left by himself for a few hours from time to time but prefers it when his sister is also at home.

NoDecentHandlesLeft · 04/11/2021 09:04

I'd probably not have a childminder either, folks, but it's OPs son and their decision to make!

If he's generally sensible and no other issues then an hour is perfectly fine.

WeeBenny · 04/11/2021 09:08

My just turned 13 year old is in himself from school until 8 or 10 at night depending on my shifts and he's fine. As long as he's comfortable with it he should be ok for a little while. It's good for their independence

Original poster
TheDuchess1979 · 04/11/2021 09:14

Well thanks everyone! It would seem that an hour alone on a Sunday night is not a big deal at all! I will enjoy my dance class and perhaps plan a few more evenings out with my new found freedom Wink

OP posts:
Taswama · 04/11/2021 09:14

That sounds fine OP. As others have said, if he rarely gets left home alone it would be a good idea to build up to him being comfortable for longer periods, knowing how to cook some basic foods etc.

I think the last year /18 months has led to some delays / regression in our kids development. My own DS was happily meeting me in town after school (15 min cycle ride) in Y7 / Y8 pre Covid and popping to the local supermarket on his own. But after a year of very limited independence he has definitely lost a lot of confidence so I am trying to actively build it back up again.

Blurp · 04/11/2021 09:18

I don't understand why people are so shocked at a 12 yo going to a childminder... presumably he gets a bit of company there, and he gets dinner. I wouldn't want to leave a 12yo to make their own dinner every evening. A couple of times a week, sure, but not every evening.

He gets himself to school and home every day, so he's not utterly dependant on the CM. Plenty of kids that age are ferried around everywhere by a SAHP, and no one queries their level of independence.

I've known a few people who used a childminder for this reason in the early years of secondary. Generally their DC helped the CM by playing with the younger kids.

It's a bit grim to come home from school to an empty house every day, and have to sit on your own, manage your homework, make dinner etc. Some DC wouldn't mind or would enjoy it, but plenty would find it a bit miserable!

OfTheNight · 04/11/2021 09:19

Why are you doing such long days as a Secondary teacher? Is a lot of it commuting time? Are you working for an academy with set hours? Are you new to the role?

TirednWorried · 04/11/2021 09:30

what i am getting at, is what time does your have to be up to leave tbe house with your dh

HunkyPunk · 04/11/2021 09:34

When there are so many children brought to our attention on this forum who have a hellish life, a slightly prolonged use of a CM doesn’t rank as a problem at all. If op’s ds gets questioned about it, he would no doubt say ‘I go to X’s house’, rather than ‘I have a CM’.

Independence should be child-led, not imposed, and will happen naturally from a secure base. No child suffers from being cared about. I’m sure when the op’s ds feels he’s too old to need somewhere convivial to go to before/after school, he’ll let her know.

stonebrambleboy · 04/11/2021 09:34

OfTheNight none of those questions are relevant or any of your business.

OP I think the child minder set up is great, he gets a hot meal and company ( I remember coming home to a cold house and no tea as a kid, it's grim.)
Enjoy your dance class, he'll be fine.

FallonCarringtonWannabe · 04/11/2021 09:38

I dont think my 12 year old would notice I wasnt in the house.

FallonCarringtonWannabe · 04/11/2021 09:42

[quote Nicknacky]@ejhhhhh Did I say that they work 9-3? I have a number of teachers in my family who are all home long before six so I was curious. But mumsnet teachers are always different from the ones I know![/quote]
I also know lots of teachers who leave shortly after the children. They take their work home to do in the evenings / weekends.

I personally would rather leave work at work.

stingofthebutterfly · 04/11/2021 09:55

I don't see the problem with a 12 year old going to a childminder after school. It's a funny age for childcare and some children would surely prefer to be with others for a few hours. I think, as long as he doesn't complain about it, then there's no issue.

Leaving him for an hour on a weekend is absolutely fine though, as would leaving him after school, if he preferred.