Can I leave a 12-year-old home alone for an hour?

[TheDuchess1979]

My ds is a fairly sensible 12 yo who is in year 8 of secondary school. As I work full time, I pay for a childminder for before/after school as I think being alone for a couple of hours is too much.
My dh and I are hoping to go to a dance class on Sunday night which is a 5 minute drive away for 45 minutes. AIBU to leave ds home alone?

Don’t worry too much about people telling you to get rid of the child minder. You know your child and what’s best, particularly if they’re cooking dinner for him. That would be the main thing I would find useful tbh. You could always try dropping one evening, just so he has a taste of freedom at home, and a cold bits and bobs dinner once a week won’t hurt

Every child is different. Every area is different.

I'd say it's fine to leave him if he sensible and the area is safe for him to travel alone.

You say you work secondary school. I'm sure many of the children you teach are in in the situation where they go home alone for a few hours, and some even both sides if the day.

It's not unusual. So fine for you to do if you feel comfortable with it.

OP are you doing 6:30am until 6pm at school every single day? Do you have a very long commute? Is it a private school, where they expect prep duties and after school activities? It seems a huge number of hours to be working.

Could you bring marking home? I'm secondary English and bring all of my marking home so I'm there with the kids. My older two are Year 11 and 13 and we often sit at the dining table working together.

@ejhhhhh, maybe people are surprised that the OP does her extra hours at school rather than at home. 🤷‍♀️

We were left alone and had to cook dinner at the age your son is, OP. Maybe it's time to give him more independence?

My in laws were waiting at our house for the first part of year 7, then we stopped that. But I have two DDs so they had come company (same age). I know one of them would have hated being alone for long at that age. I’m all for independence but all kids are different.

This post can’t be serious!!! Give your 12 year old some independence and space allow them to grow up!!

As long as he’s got a phone that’s charged up so he can get hold of you in an emergency

My just turned 13 year old is extremely grown up and capable and I wouldn’t have safety concerns about leaving her. That said I think it would be abit miserable for her to be on her own after school every day. We both wfh so not an issue but don’t think the childminder idea is that bad.

Yes it’s fine OP

My DS is 13, nearly 14 now and I can leave him at home for the day while I go to work. I do work fairly close by and he has a mobile so can call in an emergency.

When he was 12 he was left. No after school care, he just came home, made something to eat, did the dishwasher and gamed until I got home.

You know yours best but I don’t think he needs a CM. Give him some independence, set rules and I am sure he will love being home alone for a while.

Start slow cut back 2 days at the CM to start and see how he gets on.

Yes, mine was coming home from school on her own at that age on the bus and staying home alone for 2hrs or so. Longer in school holidays

When my son is in Year 7 I will have no option but to leave him at home on his own for a couple of hour every day. I think we will leave the house at the same time every day but I think Year 7 at the high school he will go to finishes at 2ish and I finish at 5. He will have no option but to be at home by himself. I think you can then build to leaving them at home on their own for a couple of hour on an evening then. Saying that though I know a year 8 and year 10 siblings who still have a childminder and they also go to her at weekends as their mother is a nurse and I think the kids both have form for getting up to no good when she isn’t there. You have to use your own judgement when it comes to your kids and trusting them to behave when you aren’t there.

My DD is12 and catches the bus alone from east London to south London every day for school. In the holidays I had to leave her a couple of times at home alone while I worked a 12 hour shift (not ideal but no other options for those few days). She was and is fine and has shown a huge jump in her resilience and maturity as a result of being given more independence.

Lots of different opinions on this!

Mine are 13 and 11 and I feel we're at a transition. My 13 has also started babysitting herself!

I wouldn't leave them home alone til 11pm but yesterday for example they let themselves in after school and I got home from work at 8pm.

They had dinner in the fridge to microwave. All fine.

DC in turn, walked home over a mile from primary school in year 6, down a country lane with no footpaths and were home alone for over an hour every week. DH and I were 45 mins away in opposite directions. No family in the county. One neighbour out at work all day.
All fine.

My kids were left alone all day at that age. Unless there is a compelling reason otherwise he'll be fine. He needs to start learning some independence soon - its not that long until he'll be an adult.

The evening situation is fine.
I agree that all kids are different.
Dd couldn’t wait to be left home alone, she is older now and very independent young woman.
Ds didn’t like it at 12, he had anxiety around being left but was ok w his sister (2 school years above).
Last time we got a sitter he was 11 and she was 13, and it did seem daft. At 14 my dd was babysitting other people’s kids!! When DS was just 12 I got a term-time only job and if our holidays clashed we arranged for him to go to a friend’s. There was no way he’d be on his own all day or I’d leave w dd as they’d fight.

Hello all,

Lots of interesting comments and points of view - thank you.

In answer to some of your questions:

• DS has independently travelled to and from school since he started secondary. The only difference is that he walks back to the Childminder’s house and leaves from there. I did a similar thing when I was his age (I got the bus back to my nan’s as my mum worked).

• I don’t think he’s a “young 12” but he is an August baby so he’s just turned 12. In year 7, we spent a good chunk in lockdown (and his school shut several times because his school is small/rural and had staffing shortages).

• It is genuinely impossible for me to get home earlier than 6pm. I’m in a senior position and I have meetings until at least 5pm and my school is an hour’s drive away.

• Those of you who commented that “as a teacher, I should know this is fine” - as a teacher, I see year 9s who are still walked to the school gates and year 7s who are left alone for days at a time. The variation is wild. Which is part of the reason I asked you guys.

• Those who suggested asking what he wants, I have and he’s always happy to be home alone and he walks back from the childminder once I’m back from work. I suppose my thinking was that going out in the evening and leaving him seemed a bit rotten but I’m obviously over thinking it!

Of course it’s fine. I thought I was fairly cautious, but DS1 (who I think is a fairly ‘young’ 12) gets himself home, has a snack and walks to an activity twice a week while I’m running around with the other two. I don’t see him between 8 and 8. The rest of the week is split between me being here when he gets home and him being alone for an hour to two hours. He actively likes having the house to himself. I’ve also left him for a fair chunk of the day if he’s had an inset day when his brothers are still in school. He would be pretty unimpressed at being dragged around with me.

People saying 6.30 to 6 is too long to be left - it’s not 6.30 to 6. He’s in school for most of that!

If I had to leave the house for work at 6.30am I think I would arrange some sort of child care for a young teen, just to ensure that they got up and got to school on time. It would be too tempting for them to roll over and sleep in til lunch otherwise.

Having said that, I did leave my secondary schools DCs to walk home and let themselves in at that age when I was getting home about 6. Most days they'd even put dinner in the oven which was a bonus.

@BritWifeInUSA - in that post I said “we earn” as in “household income”. My DH (thankfully) is not a teacher.

I think it's fine at this age but also some DC might not be ready or enjoy being left alone.
Most schools were open for the year 7 and 8 children of key workers throughout the lockdowns so they didn't have to be home alone all day.
My eldest almost craved time alone at this age, I was the same and still am.
My second, now late teens doesn't especially enjoy being alone for long periods of time, DH is the same.

Op you haven't answered my question about how he gets to the chilldminder's house in the morning. Do you drop him off there at 6.30 am?

Everyone saying they can’t believe a 12 year old goes to a CM - you’re not really being very helpful as what works for your child doesn’t necessarily work for others. Which paradoxically means we can’t actually help you OP! It has to be what works for your child, and you know him best. Talk to him and find out what he’s comfortable with. It might be a first step to more independence, if he’s happy to try it.

I work long hours as a secondary school teacher so he has dinner there etc. 3 hours at home before I get home feels like too long

My mum was a teacher too. Lots of secondary kids have parents working full time not home til 6pm! Can't believe you are sending a year 8 kid to a childminder unless theres some SEN here or something.

If I had to leave the house for work at 6.30am I think I would arrange some sort of child care for a young teen, just to ensure that they got up and got to school on time. It would be too tempting for them to roll over and sleep in til lunch otherwise.

At secondary age they need to face the consequences if they are late for school and learn to take responsibility for getting up and out on time.