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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can I leave a 12-year-old home alone for an hour?

168 replies

TheDuchess1979 · 03/11/2021 22:47

My ds is a fairly sensible 12 yo who is in year 8 of secondary school. As I work full time, I pay for a childminder for before/after school as I think being alone for a couple of hours is too much.
My dh and I are hoping to go to a dance class on Sunday night which is a 5 minute drive away for 45 minutes. AIBU to leave ds home alone?

OP posts:
TasteTheMeatNotTheHeat · 04/11/2021 02:32

It's a bit unusual for a 12yr old to go to a childminder after school. This makes me think that perhaps he is a very "young" 12, and that's why you are doubting whether or not you can leave him alone. Trust your gut.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/11/2021 04:02

My dd is 13 and in yr9. I would also not like to leave her from 6.30am until 7pm. I take it your ds must really like going to your cm. My dd hated going in yr6.

Those do seem to be incredibly long hours though. Is the school far away? And could you do any of this work at home? I’m only asking a my teacher friend leaves her 13 yo to his own devices to walk to / from school and is out of the house far fewer hours.

LynetteScavo · 04/11/2021 04:07

I think it's nice he goes to a childminder - my DM worked full time and I think it would have been nice to have someone cook me a meal after school at that age.

Yes, you can leave him for a couple of hours at home. As long as he's happy alone he'll be fine.

Kanaloa · 04/11/2021 04:09

I mean it’s only one hour. You could put a film on before you leave and it would still be on when you got back. My oldest son is 11 and I would have absolutely no issue leaving him - he often stays in if I’m going to the shop/picking up and dropping off younger siblings from activities. I don’t think he’d be happy about being picked up after high school by a childminder and going back to hers - in my experience that’s what much younger children at primary do.

sbhydrogen · 04/11/2021 04:10

@WholeClassKeptIn

Really belly ups? You think ita normal for a child to wake up to an empty house, go to school, come home and be alone until 6 at that age?!
This was very normal in my household, and we all turned out fine 🤷‍♀️

As long as they're comfortable and sensible then I can't see a problem.

Sproutpie · 04/11/2021 04:49

What does your DS think. You should be listening to him rather than asking us.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 04/11/2021 05:01

Good lord, my 13yo DS would be thrilled with that amount of alone time!
Unless he has extra needs, then I don't think your DS needs a childminder either.
And 45 mins on his own would be fine.

I can't leave mine alone for that long most of the time because he has a younger brother who is only just 9, and it's likely that someone would be hurt by the time I got back to them. Max 30 minutes on their own - enough to nip to the food shops or out for takeaway, but nothing more than that. I'd leave DS1 on his own for longer though - just not with his brother.

2reefsin30knots · 04/11/2021 05:47

My Y7 would be mortified if I still booked his babysitter. He does over an hour on his own in the morning every day and some days another half hour plus in the evenings (he is at school 8am- 5.10pm, I'm out 6.45am- 5.30/6pm) I leave him whole days at a time and he is fine. If it's a couple of whole days in a row I ask his grandparents to come and take him to theirs for lunch to break it up.

However... I do actually think being alone from 3.30ish- 6pm every day might be lonely for some children. It's not about whether a 12yo would be safe- it's whether they would be happy. @TheDuchess1979 my friend managed to find a university student to come and act as an after school companion for her DC. Maybe something like that would be an option for a while?

The people questioning whether a teacher might be out 6.30am to 6pm Hmm. We don't do the same hours as the children you know!

ViceLikeBlip · 04/11/2021 05:53

Don't worry about anyone saying he's "too old for a childminder". I'm a secondary teacher, and there's such a range in emotional maturity in year 7 and 8.

I personally wouldn't think twice about leaving a 12yo for a couple of hours here and there, but several hours at each end of the day, every day, is completely different. If he likes then company, and you're happy to pay for it, then just carry on.

ejhhhhh · 04/11/2021 05:58

@Nicknacky

So you aren’t home till after 6 every night?
I'm not sure why this is even a question? Don't you believe that the OP isn't home until 6pm? Were you under the impression that teachers work 9am-3pm?
TirednWorried · 04/11/2021 06:03

@TheDuchess1979

Erm…yes. And I leave home at 6.30am every morning. It’s a long day and feels too long for him to be by himself. I should add that we’ve not lived here long and don’t know any neighbours.
So how does this work? Does he have to get up at 5.30 ish am toeave with you at 6.30am to be dropped at the CM?
ImUninsultable · 04/11/2021 06:09

My mum was a childminder. People using her when their kids started high school.
12 year olds dont go to a childminder. They get a house key and go home alone.

icedcoffees · 04/11/2021 06:12

I can't believe you send your 12 year old to a childminder - he must be absolutely mortified!

I was home alone all day during the school holidays at that age and it wasn't all THAT long ago. As in, we're talking 2002 not 1972.

Loosen the apron strings!

ejhhhhh · 04/11/2021 06:13

I'm a teacher, I left the house at 7am yesterday and I got home at 6.30pm. And I only live 20 minutes away from my school. And I didn't even have any meetings or parents evenings yesterday, that was just a normal day doing normal planning/markings etc. Tbh, after the last 2 years and the crap that's being heaped on us, I'm ready to look for something else to do, and the general disrespect from the public/media/government who think we're all workshy losers doesn't help. There won't be any teachers left in a few years at this rate if the rate they're leaving is anything to go by, and teachers are not being replaced because noone wants to do it. Graduates can go into other professionals for more money and more perks (like WFH). We've seen what happens when GPs leave and aren't replaced over a sustained period, and it's what's round the corner for schools. You thought remote learning was not good for your kids? Just wait until they're all taught online when they're actually in schools too, because the only people the schools can recruit are unqualified cover supervisors so they're now all taught remotely by a tutor in Taiwan. Think it won't happen? I bet you thought you'd be seeing your GP face to face forever more too. The Tories are enabling it, and they don't care. Everything is fine in their world because the private schools will still be able to provide a decent education to their customers children.

icedcoffees · 04/11/2021 06:14

@TasteTheMeatNotTheHeat

It's a bit unusual for a 12yr old to go to a childminder after school. This makes me think that perhaps he is a very "young" 12, and that's why you are doubting whether or not you can leave him alone. Trust your gut.
Maybe he's "a very young 12" because he's treated like a lower-primary aged child?
Elderflower14 · 04/11/2021 06:19

@ejhhhhh

I'm a teacher, I left the house at 7am yesterday and I got home at 6.30pm. And I only live 20 minutes away from my school. And I didn't even have any meetings or parents evenings yesterday, that was just a normal day doing normal planning/markings etc. Tbh, after the last 2 years and the crap that's being heaped on us, I'm ready to look for something else to do, and the general disrespect from the public/media/government who think we're all workshy losers doesn't help. There won't be any teachers left in a few years at this rate if the rate they're leaving is anything to go by, and teachers are not being replaced because noone wants to do it. Graduates can go into other professionals for more money and more perks (like WFH). We've seen what happens when GPs leave and aren't replaced over a sustained period, and it's what's round the corner for schools. You thought remote learning was not good for your kids? Just wait until they're all taught online when they're actually in schools too, because the only people the schools can recruit are unqualified cover supervisors so they're now all taught remotely by a tutor in Taiwan. Think it won't happen? I bet you thought you'd be seeing your GP face to face forever more too. The Tories are enabling it, and they don't care. Everything is fine in their world because the private schools will still be able to provide a decent education to their customers children.
Wrong thread?
Skinnyankles · 04/11/2021 06:21

It could be a good start - test how he goes on a Friday evening, then start dropping the after school sessions. He can have snacks from the fridge until tea.

The morning sessions, ease him in and encourage his morning routine.

He's growing and can start experiencing (and will enjoy) the independance.

GlamorousHeifer · 04/11/2021 06:25

I hope he goes to a very genteel school, any year 8 in a school near me that admitted to being in childcare would have the piss ripped out of them. By year 8 my now 15 year old was spending multiple days at home alone through the holidays whilst we worked. My 11 year old has also spent days by herself.

ejhhhhh · 04/11/2021 06:27

Ha ha @Elderflower14 maybe! I was really responding to all the posters surprised by the OP's long day. I may have added 2+2 and got 5, presuming that they're unaware of the long hours teachers work because of the general disrespect that teachers get from various sources, who seem to want to perpetuate the myth that we work short days and get nice long holidays. The government are doing it at the moment for example, with all their talk of lengthening the school day. Their rhetoric implies teachers don't actually work a full day. I am thoroughly pissed off with my job the moment though, and seriously considering quitting, so MN has been treated to my slightly off topic rant!

LivingDeadGirlUK · 04/11/2021 06:28

Sounds fine, but then we were latchkey kids growing up and would have been letting ourselves in and making tea before our parents got home from work.

BritWifeInUSA · 04/11/2021 06:30

You’re a teacher? On another thread you said you “earn six figures”. Must be a private school. At least on that salary you can comfortably afford a child minder, whether your son needs one of not.

SpeakingFranglais · 04/11/2021 06:32

I started leaving mine at 8 alone for half an hour and built up. I was home when mine got in from school but there were latch key kids at my DCs school that let themselves in after school at 11.

I think it’s time to loosen those apron strings.

Nicknacky · 04/11/2021 06:33

@ejhhhhh Did I say that they work 9-3? I have a number of teachers in my family who are all home long before six so I was curious. But mumsnet teachers are always different from the ones I know!

SummerOrAutumn · 04/11/2021 06:33

DS is 12 and has ASD. He's fine with being home alone for an hour or two. He can manage to get himself something to eat and drink,if he needs to, and doesn't mind as long as he knows what time we'll be back.

Tailendofsummer · 04/11/2021 06:34

@EverdeRose

I'm confused at how OP is apparently a secondary school teacher but doesn't know if a 12 year old will be okay at home alone for an hour Confused
Yes this. Could ask your class how they get home after school, and count the number who have a childminder. Although, it doesn't sound like the dc is complaining about this.