AIBU to not want to move

[Trixiefirecracker]

Have been feeling a lot of pressure to move back to the city we used to live in after having relocated to the country over 6 years ago. We made the move because I wanted a quieter, calmer lifestyle and one where the children could grow up safely in a village, kind of like the idyllic childhood I had I suppose. Now 6 years on they are all nearly tweens, tweens or teenagers and fed up of living in the middle of nowhere. They want to move. I don’t. My husband is putting pressure on me to move too, he likes it here but misses the bright lights i suppose and our old friendship network and is fed up of driving kids everywhere. I can see both pros and cons but a massive problem is we could no way afford to live in a house like we have now, it would mean massively down-sizing. I have cats and ducks and chickens and live on the edge of a National park. It’s really beautiful. I suppose my AIBU is about me refusing to upsticks.AIBU to put my foot down and refuse to move? It’s four against one though. Added to this I made everyone move here just because I wanted too, although it’s been great for us in many ways and the kids have had an awesome time but time to move on? Would like some unbiased views please!

Just to say have name-changed as potentially outing! 😳

Probably not what you want to hear but it sounds like the only one who will benefit from staying is you. Given the initial move was also for you, I think it's time you gave their opinions priority.

So you should move.

I understand why you don't want to though!

not sure what to advise, but this is one of the major reasons I'll never be moving to the country.

You can move back when DC have gone to uni!

Think of the next 5 years, next 10 years, do some financial planning e.g. keep current home and rent out vs sell

There are lots of positives to being here too but I think the kids don’t see that anymore, when they were little they had a very free existence, swimming in rivers and climbing trees and hanging out with all the village kids. I feel like I’m going to be forced to make a move that will mean a very different way of life that I no longer want. I also don’t think the children realise what a compromise they will have to make re house and outdoor space. We could only probably afford a much smaller house with a yard or tiny garden. Our house now is quite spacious.

@Wotsitsits I think this might be an option if there were any places we could afford to rent. Rentals are currently much higher than our mortgage here. We are potentially moving back to a very expensive city. Also moving costs a lot of money, we can’t keep doing it every five years or so. :-(

The things you value are at odds with what they want / need, now and in the immediate future. I'd do it for them. It's what 10 years? Then they will be off, you can go back to your ideal!? Or a variation of.. could be a tricky sell for your DH though.

Could you move to something in between?

Discuss what sort of housing you can afford in different areas

How many dc?
They can make their in choices in few years
Maybe live separately keep two smaller places
You want different lives.
Someone has to compromise
You and dh decide you are the adults

Oh how I feel for you having to make this decision OP. We too moved to the country 6 years ago, and both absolutely love it here, but sadly things haven't worked out with the rest of the family as we'd hoped - they say it's too far to come and visit, etc., etc., I miss them, and we're getting older, so they keep on at us to move back, but like you, we couldn't afford anything like as nice a place to live, would hate how busy it is back in the area we came from, which is one of the reasons we left in the first place, and it's got MUCH worse over the last 6 years. We went back a few weeks ago, and absolutely hated it, but I really am torn between family and location, so I'll be interested to hear what conclusion you come to. Please feel free to PM me if you fancy a chat about it with someone who completely understands.

We moved to a large cottage in the country, dc loved it.
I started to realize that it was going to be an issue as they got older.
We actually ended up relocating for DH's work but I could see that we were going to end up in the situation you have.
We are moving into a city center next year for teens because they really want to walk to school, hangout with friends and have a more urban environment.
But we are going to be in an apartment in the city with a small country cottage for breaks.
It won't be a forever solution though.

@Speakuptomakeyourselfheard thank you, that’s very kind. That is also a pull, we have family nearer the city than here, they haven’t expressed an opinion but I know they would be happier if we were closer. I recently went back to the city for a weekend, it is SO busy now and felt a little overwhelmed with f I am honest. This is my dream house too, it’s a beautiful old 4 bedroom cottage with a fair sized garden, we would be trading that for a tiny three bedroom boxy house on or near a main road. Thank you for understanding!

@Embracelife three DCs, 9, 11 and 14. That’s the problem as we can’t agree, myself and DH that is. Very different ideas but I do know we couldn’t live apart. He and kids are my world and we are very close family.

Not sure you have a choice - if you stay you'll be surrounded by a family in misery.
I'd view it as temporary - and an adventure.

Do the DC understand they'll have to share a bedroom / have no garden / potentially no easy access to green outdoor space? Perhaps showing them a few houses online in the city and explaining how it'll be much smaller as more expensive, potentially less money for activities?

Hard when it's only you that wants to stay were you are! Is it a dealbreaker for you?

Does it have to be village or city though?

Why not talk to kids and show them the sort of houses you'd be looking at and see how they feel about the reality of a move? Leaving friends, changing schools vs more grandparent time, more after school activities?

@StoneofDestiny it’s not an adventure as I have lived their before for many, many years and the kids did when they were smaller, don’t remember too much about I guess. Youngest wants to move nearer a skate park! 😂 that’s his sole reason for wanting to go!

Which dc would share a,room ?
Do tget realise that would be the reality?
Or is dh happy for you both to sleep on sofa bed to give each dc a room in your 3 bed?
Or does he have another plan ?

@RealBecca they want to move back to the city we used to live in, we have friends and family there. I have shown them some houses online but I think it’s the lure of the amenities that is pulling them in, which I totally get. They are not interested in long walks or wild swimming, which is why I love it here. A town would be a compromise for everyone and it would have to be one with all the facilities the city offers.

The two girls would share a room. They seem to be fine about it but at this point it’s not a reality so think they are just saying it’s fine because they want to move, if you see what I mean @Embracelife

We left a village location for a town, much preferred the village but knew it wouldn't work for teenagers (no buses). I grew up in a quiet town and my school friends that came from villages/farms had a tough time until they could drive, it helped make up my mind. That says it was an easier decision as it was cheaper so we got a bigger house, is there a compromise you could make? Somewhere they could have more independence but perhaps more affordable? Suburbs? Village near the city etc?

I agree though moving is so expensive and stressful, I totally understand your reluctance.

Plenty of teenagers live in really rural places and have a lovely life! I really wouldn’t give up a dream home or a lifestyle that suits you so completely. They can live in a city when they’re ready to leave home if that’s what they want. We’re happy to ferry our kids around as part of the deal living rurally. Kids often think the grass in greener and only appreciate their own childhood in retrospect.

It is more of an issue that your DH would like to move but that’s a 1-2-1 discussion in my opinion. What about staying where you are with plenty of city breaks booked in over the year?

So you grin and bear it and move for 6 or 7 years to keep family together?

Small house does not really matter if you close
But....
Could it make you depressed and resentful?
Could amenities in city include a lido or nice parks?
How much are you ready to sacrifice?
What about jobs and money?

I was watching an episode of escape to the country today and a couple were moving to very rural Devon so the children could enjoy the great outdoors and to give them an idyllic childhood, I was thinking to myself yes that’s all well and good for now but in a couple of years when they kids are tweens and you are miles from anywhere with no public transport whatsoever life won’t be quite so rosy, it amazes me that people don’t think ahead. That being said, no I would not move to a small house with a yard because your children want to, l would have loved to have lived in the bright lights of a city as a tween but you don’t always get what you want in life, in a few years they will leave and you will be left in a house you don’t like in an area you don’t want, you don’t have to sacrifice everything for your children’s wants, though in your case it must be harder as you are being pressured by your husband as well, I really could not give up my dream beautiful country cottage for a small boxy house on a main road in the city!

If possible take them to view two or three houses in your budget so they understand what consequences moving has for them personally (shared bedroom, small garden, lots of neighbours, noise, more cramped living arrangements). They might not be so keen to move then.