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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want to move

145 replies

Trixiefirecracker · 02/11/2021 21:55

Have been feeling a lot of pressure to move back to the city we used to live in after having relocated to the country over 6 years ago. We made the move because I wanted a quieter, calmer lifestyle and one where the children could grow up safely in a village, kind of like the idyllic childhood I had I suppose. Now 6 years on they are all nearly tweens, tweens or teenagers and fed up of living in the middle of nowhere. They want to move. I don’t. My husband is putting pressure on me to move too, he likes it here but misses the bright lights i suppose and our old friendship network and is fed up of driving kids everywhere. I can see both pros and cons but a massive problem is we could no way afford to live in a house like we have now, it would mean massively down-sizing. I have cats and ducks and chickens and live on the edge of a National park. It’s really beautiful. I suppose my AIBU is about me refusing to upsticks.AIBU to put my foot down and refuse to move? It’s four against one though. Added to this I made everyone move here just because I wanted too, although it’s been great for us in many ways and the kids have had an awesome time but time to move on? Would like some unbiased views please!

OP posts:
TedMullins · 02/11/2021 23:14

My parents moved out of London before I was born and brought me up in a small town. I HATED it. It was so boring, full of narrow minded people and totally devoid of anything fun or any opportunities. As soon as I was 18 I moved to London. I’d so much rather they’d have stayed there even if it meant growing up in an apartment. If I have kids I’d never inflict small town or village life on them, I’m fully on their side I’m afraid.

Original poster
Trixiefirecracker · 02/11/2021 23:16

@AmberLynn1536 I think we did think ahead, in that we knew it might be tricky for the teenagers, however they get taxied around as much as they want at the moment. I didn’t realise how much they would want to go back but my honest opinion is it’s just romanticising the bright lights really. My eldest doesn’t really leave her room, I can’t see that changing if we move! 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
Trixiefirecracker · 02/11/2021 23:19

@TedMullins I too was brought up in a small town and hated it but this village is actually super lovely with a really close knit community and they have lots of friends here. Small town mentality is awful but that’s not the case here, everyone is quite quirky and open minded and arty.

OP posts:
jeaux90 · 02/11/2021 23:21

I wouldn't move no. If you are happy ferrying them around for a few years I'd stick to your guns. I live in a small market town surrounded by country with decent amenities. My DD is 12, active etc but is so knackered from school she barely goes out anywhere and prefers to game online with her mates unless I push her into coming with me somewhere.

Honestly the bright lights thing, fad.

StoneofDestiny · 02/11/2021 23:22

OP - I'd make it an adventure! Get through it by reinventing family life as grown ups in a city.

steff13 · 02/11/2021 23:22

Plenty of teenagers live in really rural places and have a lovely life! I really wouldn’t give up a dream home or a lifestyle that suits you so completely.

It suits her completely. But not the other four people in her family. Should they just stuff it?

Original poster
Trixiefirecracker · 02/11/2021 23:24

Yes, that’s the problem. I feel like I can’t really say no because it’s the overwhelming majority, although the kids don’t really know the reality of the move.

OP posts:
drpet49 · 02/11/2021 23:28

** sounds like the only one who will benefit from staying is you. Given the initial move was also for you, I think it's time you gave their opinions priority.

So you should move.**

^This

Silverdorkinghen · 02/11/2021 23:37

@steff13 - I feel you’ve taken that one comment out of the context of everything I’ve written. However, I do just feel that most teenagers don’t typically get much say in where they live, do they? Usually they’re in the situation of making the most of where they are and then they usually have the opportunity to choose when they leave home?
I did say that the op and her DH did have to find a solution that works for both of them.

steff13 · 02/11/2021 23:51

Silverdorkinghen

I didn't, actually take it out of context. It's not just the kids who want to move, it's her husband, too. Therefore, it's only an ideal situation for her.

greenlynx · 02/11/2021 23:52

I would never move to a village personally, I would never move beyond the ring road. However I’m not sure that the logic “the previous move was for you so you now should move for them” applies here. Moving is expensive and stressful and there is no guarantee that kids will be happy with new school, new friends etc. I would sit with your DH and then with kids to make a list what they want and what they don’t get in your current place, maybe there is still a possibility of a compromise.
Are secondaries good in your area? Would you be able to get DC into a better school after move?

Throckmorton · 02/11/2021 23:53

Not sure I would move on the whims of kids that age to be honest. I'd be tempted to get them to share rooms for 6 months and see what they think after that. That might put them off moving!

bozzabollix · 03/11/2021 00:03

I grew up in a small town where I then moved back to. Yes not loads of cultural stuff going on but it’s really safe. My eldest is twelve and has more freedom here than he’d have in a city. In six years he will no doubt shoot off to the university town of his choosing.

My point really is that this should be about yours and your husbands needs, not the kids, as it won’t be that long until they’re off.

Personally as a teenager I loved the space found in somewhere rural, to the point that when I moved to a huge city I found it claustrophobic. Cities aren’t necessarily the absolute ideal to raise teenagers in.

FudgeFlake · 03/11/2021 00:16

Is there any way you can continue to have both? Maybe get town house as part of pension investment?

TedMullins · 03/11/2021 00:18

Quirky and arty does sound nice - for adults! Are the kids into quirky arty things or do they just want to be able to walk to their mates’ houses? Also bear in mind that they might not pass their driving tests. The public transport was pretty crap where I grew up and I started learning at 17 but 5 years and 5 tests later I didn’t pass and I still haven’t - I’m one of those people who just does not possess any spacial awareness. Hopefully they won’t be like me on that front but in a village you really need a car for any kind of convenience. I wouldn’t necessarily think they’re just romanticising it, I used to dream of moving to a city since I was about 5 years old before I’d even visited London but here I am as an adult. Is there a compromise to be had in the outskirts of the city with good transport/a nearby town with regular buses/trains? I imagine that’ll be the most important thing for the teenager

toomuchlaundry · 03/11/2021 00:18

I was going to suggest get them to share now and see how much they enjoy it. Also make a note of what they do with their local friends.

Check out what the new schools might be like, they might prefer their current ones.

FudgeFlake · 03/11/2021 00:21

I'm a deep countryside brought up child, which was utterly wonderful, but I will admit I hated not being able to go to pub or parties unless mum or dad brought me home which is extremely embarrassing for teenagers. Or grabbed a lift off someone with a driving licence. But at least twice that meant a polite obligatory smooch with someone else's older brother who I really didn't fancy but seemed to sort of expect it.

Hydrate · 03/11/2021 00:27

The DC will be out on their own in a few years. I wouldn't move.

junebirthdaygirl · 03/11/2021 08:03

Teens in the countryside nearly always yearn for the city but they will get there when college comes around. Saying that we lived very rural for dcs primary years where they had an idyllic childhood running free but moved back when they became teens for better schools and to be back nearer family. My oldest ds found it difficult to adjust even though he was all for it. From being a very popular guy in a small place ..making every team..he became nobody in a big place failing to make teams due to numbers. It wasn't the exciting life he imagined, he got into bad company and we had a very hectic time with him. Who knows if that would have happened anyway but definitely the move didn't help him. The others were fine and the move offered then great opportunities, more friends, better school, more hobbies etc.
I preferred it too even though l always loved the countryside. As dc left to go to college l had more friends nearby and was closer to activities and to be quite honest as you get older caring for a big garden, big house becomes a bit of a pain . Remember in your smaller house your dc 14 will be gone in 4 years and a small house is fine when only you and dh in it.
It's tricky to make that decision but l wouldn't want to spend my old age in that rural location so glad now we moved.

movintothecountry · 03/11/2021 08:03

Thinking long term, if you move and can't afford to move back when the kids are older and moved out, will you have to live the rest of your life in a city you don't like?
It's hard but I would explore the options of keeping your country house if you can (rent it out)? as somewhere to move back to in old age?

BarbedButterfly · 03/11/2021 08:17

My concern with those who are saying move back, the husband may well refuse as he wants to live in the city. I get this so much, I hate city life, it is too busy and there are too many people. It makes me deeply unhappy and if I had to live there, I would really struggle. The amenities don't interest me at all and I would be worried about being priced out of my dream home once I could return.

Would your husband agree to live there until the kids grow up?

LethargicActress · 03/11/2021 08:20

I’d move because I wouldn’t my dc to be looking to move out of home at the earliest opportunity like I did because I was fed up of having to get lifts from my parents to be able to do anything.

harriethoyle · 03/11/2021 08:28

Agree with PP - make the kids share for at least 6 months so they see the reality!

I moved from london to the countryside and there's no way I could go back. I honestly think it would make me ill. Quality of life is so important. What are your husband's reasons for wanting to move back? I wouldn't factor the kids in too much tbh, the 14 yo may be off to uni in a few years...

RampantIvy · 03/11/2021 08:29

Do you share the ferrying the children everywhere?

TreborBore · 03/11/2021 08:30

I would weigh up the pros and cons and make an informed decision as a family. City life can be a positive influence for teens and is arguably more likely to equip them with the soft skills they will need to thrive. When in London my teens use public transport and have more independence which is really good for their confidence, are exposed to a greater diversity of people, cultures, opinions.

If the majority agree to moving, find a good financial advisor to advise on what ways there might be that would enable you to rent in the city and keep your current home, so you are not burning your bridges if it doesn’t work out, and you have your dream home to move back into once the kids have left home.