AIBU to not want to move

[Trixiefirecracker]

Have been feeling a lot of pressure to move back to the city we used to live in after having relocated to the country over 6 years ago. We made the move because I wanted a quieter, calmer lifestyle and one where the children could grow up safely in a village, kind of like the idyllic childhood I had I suppose. Now 6 years on they are all nearly tweens, tweens or teenagers and fed up of living in the middle of nowhere. They want to move. I don’t. My husband is putting pressure on me to move too, he likes it here but misses the bright lights i suppose and our old friendship network and is fed up of driving kids everywhere. I can see both pros and cons but a massive problem is we could no way afford to live in a house like we have now, it would mean massively down-sizing. I have cats and ducks and chickens and live on the edge of a National park. It’s really beautiful. I suppose my AIBU is about me refusing to upsticks.AIBU to put my foot down and refuse to move? It’s four against one though. Added to this I made everyone move here just because I wanted too, although it’s been great for us in many ways and the kids have had an awesome time but time to move on? Would like some unbiased views please!

Why don't you get the two girls to share a room for a few weeks so they could get a realistic idea of how room sharing will be. And by sharing I mean all their clothes and stuff in one room, not going backwards and forwards to get things. That might give them something to consider.
Our family moved a lot when I was little; emigrated, lived overseas, moved back to the uk , moved round the country,I changed schools 7 times in 5 years but I was never asked if I wanted to move. It just had to happen.

@Trixiefirecracker

*creaky! Not creamy!😂

I quite liked the thought of a creamy house. I had it fixed in my mind as a comfortable old place with faded paintwork, overstuffed, leaky furniture, an antique aga and a delicious baking smell wafting around. Anyway, creaky is good too.

I wouldn't take your kids opinions too seriously. They generally aren't great at seeing the bigger picture and whatever decisions you make, they will at some point blame you for everything that's wrong in their lives. Wrong school, wrong house, wrong country etc etc. And many of them spend so much time in their room that they could be living on Mars for all it matters.

DH is a different story though. If he is really not happy where you are then his opinion should be taken into account. As people have said, it might be a case of trying to finding a compromise, whatever that may be.

@Curlygirl06

Why don't you get the two girls to share a room for a few weeks so they could get a realistic idea of how room sharing will be. And by sharing I mean all their clothes and stuff in one room, not going backwards and forwards to get things. That might give them something to consider. Our family moved a lot when I was little; emigrated, lived overseas, moved back to the uk , moved round the country,I changed schools 7 times in 5 years but I was never asked if I wanted to move. It just had to happen.

. . . Good idea. Make it a month.

@Curlygirl06

Why don't you get the two girls to share a room for a few weeks so they could get a realistic idea of how room sharing will be. And by sharing I mean all their clothes and stuff in one room, not going backwards and forwards to get things. That might give them something to consider. Our family moved a lot when I was little; emigrated, lived overseas, moved back to the uk , moved round the country,I changed schools 7 times in 5 years but I was never asked if I wanted to move. It just had to happen.

. . . That should be a pre-requisite before any decisions made.

Thinking strategically for you, maybe a better approach would be to make positive noises and get kids and hubby to start looking for places - maybe the stark difference of where you could afford will put them off and they’ll agree with you all of their own accord.

Kids don’t understand the realities of a move. They won’t understand the financial implications and the stress of the moving process (just hop onto the property board and see the hassle!). Even when things go smoothly, it’s still a big upheaval. And there’s always the risk that you move and have bad neighbours or something. Whilst I’d listen to the kids, I wouldn’t give their opinion too much weight if they’re generally happy at school and have nice friends where they are etc. I think in your position, I would stay put, it sounds lovely.

@Allsorts1

Thinking strategically for you, maybe a better approach would be to make positive noises and get kids and hubby to start looking for places - maybe the stark difference of where you could afford will put them off and they’ll agree with you all of their own accord.

Yes, that's an idea! If they're all so keen to move, let them do all the legwork. I suspect you'll kill the idea through inaction, if your family is anything like mine (i.e. if I don't do it, it rarely gets done!)

I wouldn't take your kids opinions too seriously. They generally aren't great at seeing the bigger picture and whatever decisions you make, they will at some point blame you for everything that's wrong in their lives. Wrong school, wrong house, wrong country etc etc. And many of them spend so much time in their room that they could be living on Mars for all it matters.

Aint that the truth? My DS (14) blamed me last night for making him eat too much, because he'd scoffed the leftover takeaway before dinner and I then plated him up roast chicken, roast potatoes, sprouts and gravy, which he then ate as well. Would I let him choose where we all live? I think not.

Find a house online. Get the room dimensions.

Clear out one of the girls rooms empty it. Mark it out with tape like masking tape the size the new room would be. Then get them to both put their stuff in it and share it for 2-4months. No access to the old room or the stuff being stored in the old room as that wouldn’t exist in the new house.

Lol I can't believe people are telling you to move back. No way! Stay put and enjoy it still. They'll be moving out in a few years! Don't give it up. They'll be thankful to have mummy's country home to escape to one day. It sounds bloody amazing. Tweens and teenagers are bored and fed up living literally anywhere!!

I think living rurally with teenagers is madness. Sorry OP. I work in a brilliant secondary school is a lovely rural area. There is a massive drug problem in some local villages because there are lots of bored rich kids looking for a thrill, and we are within an hour of a large city so county lines is becoming a problem too. Add to that teenagers in cars… over the years we have lost students in car crashes on dark country roads. Obviously the majority of our students don’t get involved in these things, but the risk is there. And almost universally they moan about rural life because of the lack of amenities.

@Fleshmechanic

Lol I can't believe people are telling you to move back. No way! Stay put and enjoy it still. They'll be moving out in a few years! Don't give it up. They'll be thankful to have mummy's country home to escape to one day. It sounds bloody amazing. Tweens and teenagers are bored and fed up living literally anywhere!!

. . . Will they though. More and more are staying longer due to expensive rent. Unless you kick them out you have no idea if or when they will leave home.

Why not buy a second car and see if that makes transport logistics easier? It's a hell of a lot cheaper than moving!

@Fleshmechanic

Lol I can't believe people are telling you to move back. No way! Stay put and enjoy it still. They'll be moving out in a few years! Don't give it up. They'll be thankful to have mummy's country home to escape to one day. It sounds bloody amazing. Tweens and teenagers are bored and fed up living literally anywhere!!

I totally agree! After going through the teen years they aren't happy with anything less than being a billionaire... even then they'd moan 🤣

If I was you and I moved I would absolutely resent it in 5 years when most of them would've left home anyway!

We live in a market town which is quite close to various larger towns and good transport networks... so that worked well for my teens. But they still maimed constantly about not living in London 🙄
They had a lovely life growing up here.. which they now miss 🤣

So if you were to move now, you'd be looking at around ten years in a much less nice house, until the youngest is independent. I can't see it being less than that, as you don't want to uproot her in the middle of school/college and return to the kind of lifestyle she's currently begging to escape!

We're in the opposite position, funnily enough. I'm absolutely desperate to get out of the city (I grew up in a rural area too) but DS is 9 and just getting to the age when city life will be a massive advantage... if he ever deigns to emerge from his room 😬 We're keeping rural life as a distant daydream for now, as he would never forgive us for pulling him out of the school and friendship group he loves.

Haven't RTFT so I don't know if it's been suggested, but you said you have friends still in the city. Can you work out some kind of a house swap arrangement? Say once every X months, you swap for a decent chunk of time. They get a lovely countryside break, and your family can get the 'bright lights' out of their system. Do that for a couple of years on a trial basis, and see how everyone feels by the end. By which time one of the older ones may have passed their driving test

Stay in your dream house. The children can't understand the stresses that moving house, shedding belongings & pets and just city life involve in reality. Your husband isn't forcing the issue. Stay.

Some great suggestions on here about getting the girls to share a room etc now.

I think there is a compromise too though (and to be honest I wouldn't let the kids drive the conversation or decision) is there a more country town/market town that might provide them with a bit more independence but provide you with more of the bucolic life you now enjoy?

It sounds like a move to the city would be financially and emotionally not the smartest move.

@Trixiefirecracker

Thanks for all your replies, I really appreciate it and I do see both sides of the coin. I know I’m being selfish. To answer a few questions, it’s partly financial advice we would have less money in the city I am sure and probably a bigger mortgage but I could potentially get more work there so that might balance out ( I’m freelance). The kids have seen some house in our price bracket online, sharing, small rooms, nothing deters them! They think this house is old and draughty ( it is! It’s very old and a bit creamy but I love it, they however would prefer some hermetically sealed boxy house with ‘new’ furniture etc). We would have to downsize a lot, that means losing a lot of our stuff or paying to store. Rents are high where we are moving too so that’s probably out of the question, although we have thought about it. Husband super laid back so, although he wants to move, he would never ‘make me’. He wants us all to be happy though, as I do. Currently like da can’t just walk in to town, pop to the shops or go to the cinema without being driven. We only have one car too so sometimes, it’s not always here to do that ( using got work away etc). We have two buses a week! It’s really awful, transport-wise. I do think that in the very long term it would not be a good idea to be so isolated though, not when we are in our dotage so I do see it needs to be done at some point. Yes, GCSE’s coming up year after next so that’s another concern.

this post changed my idea. i would move. old house always a problem as well.

kids' education is important, too.

We moved out of the city when our kids were babies! Actually one wasn't even born yet...
It was amazing, we had the most beautiful detached house! It was the perfect lockdown house..
But there's fuck all to do and we were all bored!
Me and my partner couldn't go on date nights and it was hard to see everyone coming out of lockdown with things to do and we were still trapped.. not by a pandemic but by location..

There were no hobbies for me or the kids
And I was sick of driving everywhere
So we have moved back to the city..
Downsized massively
We only have two kids so a 3 bed was fine

We've moved back to where I grew up.. the opportunities I had were incredible and I want my children to have the same
And I don't want them to move away as soon as they can, and god knows what will happen in the future
I'm late 20's and I don't know anyone my age who hasn't lived with their parents way past 18 or had to move back at some point ..

It was the hardest thing I've ever done, leaving that house... but for us the fun and amenities of the city far out weigh a spare bedroom and high ceilings...

I would move, you sound even more rural than we were, we lived in a small town and even that wasn't enough
It's a tough decision
Me and my partner both wanted to move back to our families etc so it was a no brainer
But it must be a really hard situation for you!
I wish you luck with whatever you decide

There will be ample opportunity for them to live in the city when they go off to university. I would see them wanting to leave as a sign of their growing independence and not feel I had to up sticks and move to pander to it. How far are you from the city? As the kids get older you and DH could perhaps have more city breaks just the two of you. I don't think I could give up what you've got to live in a box with hardly any garden in the city but I can understand that it might feel a bit selfish to not move.

If you stay put you will be doing even more driving if there are only two buses a week. The DC might want part time work when they are older and you will have to take them and collect them. Then they will want to go out in town in the evenings, go to parties, the cinema, go shopping with their friends etc.

How do they get to school?
Also, you mentioned that your husband is the taxi. Do you not drive @Trixiefirecracker?

Another idea re staying where you are and transporting the children, look into getting a taxi account? My daughter's friend lived in a village near us and there were no shops, don't think there were many, if any, buses into our town. (Not that the transport here is too special, market town that seems to think no one needs public transport after 10!)
My daughter's friend had a taxi account and that worked well, cheaper than moving! We've got a lot of taxi firms here so it worked well.

I do drive but I don’t enjoy it as much as I used to, I do ferry kids around.

Just to add, I’m from a market town and I hated it. Amenities and facilities were not much better than here so I wouldn’t really consider it unless it was somewhere really vibrant, trying to think of an example off my head….many Hebden but not if you catch my drift. I found the small town mentality difficult to deal with and lots of drug culture. I do love this city in some ways, have lived their most of my life so know it very well. We often visit, so people suggesting lots of weekends away in cities to counter balance, well that’s already been happening. I am always desperate to get home, two days is my absolute maximum.I always think how fun it will be to go shopping when I get there snd then I instantly hate it! 😂 I think lockdown and being isolated more than usual hasn’t helped, it may be a slight agoraphobic thing too ( I don’t know but along those lines). There is just no comparison in lifestyles really. We have no neighbours and the thought of potentially being so boxed in again makes me nervous but I realise I’ve had it my way for a very long time and practically every move we have made in our lives together have been orchestrated by me so a huge part of me thinks I should suck it up and let them have their turn.

@RampantIvy there’s a school bus.