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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not want to move

145 replies

Trixiefirecracker · 02/11/2021 21:55

Have been feeling a lot of pressure to move back to the city we used to live in after having relocated to the country over 6 years ago. We made the move because I wanted a quieter, calmer lifestyle and one where the children could grow up safely in a village, kind of like the idyllic childhood I had I suppose. Now 6 years on they are all nearly tweens, tweens or teenagers and fed up of living in the middle of nowhere. They want to move. I don’t. My husband is putting pressure on me to move too, he likes it here but misses the bright lights i suppose and our old friendship network and is fed up of driving kids everywhere. I can see both pros and cons but a massive problem is we could no way afford to live in a house like we have now, it would mean massively down-sizing. I have cats and ducks and chickens and live on the edge of a National park. It’s really beautiful. I suppose my AIBU is about me refusing to upsticks.AIBU to put my foot down and refuse to move? It’s four against one though. Added to this I made everyone move here just because I wanted too, although it’s been great for us in many ways and the kids have had an awesome time but time to move on? Would like some unbiased views please!

OP posts:

PinkCheetah · 03/11/2021 08:33

Perhaps unpopular opinion - I would not move just because my kids wanted it. What they obsess/hate changes so rapidly you can't guarantee they won't regret moving back to the city. You're the adult. Stay in the house you bought and love. If they want to move when they're older and independent, they can. Dealing with DH, I admit is a bit trickier.

groundcontroltomajormum · 03/11/2021 08:37

I would move. I grew up in a rural area. It's quite depressing. I couldn't live there now.

Tigersauros · 03/11/2021 08:37

The kids will be off in 5ish years. If you wanted a safe idyllic life for them, that's even more important during teen years. They might have no idea what they want, they're kids! DH is another matter, but I wouldn't move because of pressure from teens and tweens.

bluebell34567 · 03/11/2021 08:39

i wouldnt move.

dreamingbohemian · 03/11/2021 08:40

If you don't move now, they'll all leave your village at 18 and you'll hardly ever see them

I would look at it as you've had the years in the countryside you wanted, now it's time to let the rest of the family live where they want. And you can move back when they're older.

user1497787065 · 03/11/2021 08:46

I would say to stay where you are if you are happy and be prepared to drive a lot. We live rurally and I have driven thousands of miles dropping off and collecting children.

Will the children be happy in a smaller home? Will it mean sharing rooms?

Wannakisstheteacher · 03/11/2021 08:46

Isn’t the 14 year old in year 10? You can’t really move until after GCSE’s at this point anyway.

Spoonio · 03/11/2021 08:47

@dreamingbohemian

If you don't move now, they'll all leave your village at 18 and you'll hardly ever see them

I would look at it as you've had the years in the countryside you wanted, now it's time to let the rest of the family live where they want. And you can move back when they're older.

This is what I was thinking really.

Once they hit 18 they'll be gone (as I did, eager to get out ASAP) and possibly never move back.

Would you be ok with it just being you and DH living there alone in a few years time, with just visits from the kids summer and Christmas?

Wannakisstheteacher · 03/11/2021 08:48

If you have a big garden I’d offer your 9 year old this sbskateramps.com/. Much cheaper than moving!

Onandoff · 03/11/2021 08:53

You don’t sound at all like you’re living in isolation. The community, your house ad garden sound lovely. No way would I move on the whim of teenagers who will leave home in 5 years anyway. You’ll be sacrificing an awful lot. Presume your DH was happy to move to where you are now?

zafferana · 03/11/2021 08:55

@MrzClaus

Do the DC understand they'll have to share a bedroom / have no garden / potentially no easy access to green outdoor space? Perhaps showing them a few houses online in the city and explaining how it'll be much smaller as more expensive, potentially less money for activities?

Hard when it's only you that wants to stay were you are! Is it a dealbreaker for you?

This is good advice. If the rest of the family are determined that they want to move, take them to see what they'd be moving too. Show them how small the rooms are, how tiny the garden is, etc. It might just make them more favourable to staying where you are.

I also agree that you and your DH are the parents - and YOU should make the decision. It's lovely that you're taking into account what your DC want, but I'm really not in favour of DC having the ultimate say. When they are adults and paying the bills, they can choose where they live. I do think we've all gone too far in allowing our DC to dictate everything about family life. You're the adults, you make the decisions, the DC have to suck it up, I'm afraid.

ChrissyPlummer · 03/11/2021 08:57

Do you share the taxiing around OP? I would think living somewhere like that is so restrictive; public transport is often infrequent and expensive, if DC want a Saturday job when older then it’s much, much harder for them as at least 1-2 hours wages will be spent on fares. It can limit college/6th form choice too as there is often little/no transport for somewhere even a few miles away.

It’s a PITA even as an adult; I used to work in a city but lived in a town about 25 miles away. I could never fully join in on work nights out as I always had to be on the last train, just after 11pm. I’d go in on Monday and hear everyone talking about what happened after I left and I felt really excluded.

Sally872 · 03/11/2021 09:01

This is a decision for you and your dh the children don't get an input. How long would he want to be in city? As your current area seems better as you grow older.

1MillionDollars · 03/11/2021 09:02

We run on democracy in our house to a degree (or did should I say)

Sounds like everyone has to suffer because if you. The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.

Sorry.

1MillionDollars · 03/11/2021 09:06

@Trixiefirecracker

There are lots of positives to being here too but I think the kids don’t see that anymore, when they were little they had a very free existence, swimming in rivers and climbing trees and hanging out with all the village kids. I feel like I’m going to be forced to make a move that will mean a very different way of life that I no longer want. I also don’t think the children realise what a compromise they will have to make re house and outdoor space. We could only probably afford a much smaller house with a yard or tiny garden. Our house now is quite spacious.

Show them the life the choose / house.

Include them. If they still want to move they have made their decision with all the info. You could try listing pros and cons to them too, but you should all listen to each other's pros and cons.

zafferana · 03/11/2021 09:08

@1MillionDollars

We run on democracy in our house to a degree (or did should I say)

Sounds like everyone has to suffer because if you. The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.

Sorry.

The OP has three DC, outnumbering her and her DH. So if the DC always want the opposite of the parents, should the DC always get their way and the parents, who are paying for everything, just quietly go along with it, because hey, they live in a democracy?

There is a reason why the voting age is 18.

Livpool · 03/11/2021 09:08

@1MillionDollars

We run on democracy in our house to a degree (or did should I say)

Sounds like everyone has to suffer because if you. The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.

Sorry.

Agree with this

1MillionDollars · 03/11/2021 09:11

@zafferana

Everyone wants the move apart from the wife. Why should the wife's happiness trump the rest of the family.

ferneytorro · 03/11/2021 09:15

Could you make them share a room now as preparation . That may dampen their enthusiasm. Cut off any rooms you wouldn’t have in your proposed new home.

zafferana · 03/11/2021 09:18

@1MillionDollars I'm not saying it does, but giving DC as young as 11 an equal say when a) they're not the ones having to pay and b) wanting to be near a skate park is hardly a sensible reason for uprooting a whole family from a home that, bar location, suits them and their menagerie of animals very well.

My DC are the same age as the OP's and they don't know what they want for breakfast most days, let alone where would be a good place for the family to live. This is a complex decision that shouldn't be given to DC, who'll be leaving home in a few short years anyway.

Couldhavebeenme3 · 03/11/2021 09:20

I recently went back to the city for a weekend, it is SO busy now and felt a little overwhelmed with f I am honest.

I live in a city and after the last 18 months it still is overwhelming how busy it is - but it always has been

Sally872 · 03/11/2021 09:23

The parents should have the biggest input for life changing decisions as they will act with everyone's interests at heart.

I would move in a heartbeat from somewhere I loved if my child needed to move because they were bullied or in the wrong crowd, or to get them access to a specialist school if they needed it. I wouldn't move them from somewhere good for them because they want to be somewhere busier. They don't even know if they will like it. Ask them to share a room now to see if it is tolerable.

The fact your dh wants to move is a different matter and needs some thought and discussion to see who will compromise or if there is a middle ground.

1MillionDollars · 03/11/2021 09:24

@zafferana

She wanted to move to where they are.

It was lovely.

Kids had great life (I had similar)

Doesn't sound like they are financially strapped

Now they want to move back and from what I can gather the mum wants to stay and is just thinking of herself.

When kids leave which you never know when that is going to be, they can move back,

Personally I think the OP is just thinking of her needs.

1MillionDollars · 03/11/2021 09:28

@zafferana
. My ex wanted to move or had thoughts of being closer to family. I did not and made it clear.

If my kids wanted to go there to and it was possible. I'd do it for them and for the ex.

If my ex was massively unhappy where she was snd I didn't really care about moving I would move, but I would first think about ripping my kids from their life and friends.

zafferana · 03/11/2021 09:29

Doesn't sound like they are financially strapped.

I disagree - if they sell their cottage in the country they will only be able to afford a much smaller property in the city - so they're hardly rolling in money. If they could afford a nice place in the city that is equivalent to the size of their home/garden in the country, my advice would be different and the decision for the OP would presumably be an easier 'yes'. The real issue is that moving back to the city would involve a huge compromise on the kind of property they can afford. Do the DC really understand what this will entail? I argue no, they don't, because they don't yet have the life experience to understand it.

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