AIBU to not want to move

[Trixiefirecracker]

Have been feeling a lot of pressure to move back to the city we used to live in after having relocated to the country over 6 years ago. We made the move because I wanted a quieter, calmer lifestyle and one where the children could grow up safely in a village, kind of like the idyllic childhood I had I suppose. Now 6 years on they are all nearly tweens, tweens or teenagers and fed up of living in the middle of nowhere. They want to move. I don’t. My husband is putting pressure on me to move too, he likes it here but misses the bright lights i suppose and our old friendship network and is fed up of driving kids everywhere. I can see both pros and cons but a massive problem is we could no way afford to live in a house like we have now, it would mean massively down-sizing. I have cats and ducks and chickens and live on the edge of a National park. It’s really beautiful. I suppose my AIBU is about me refusing to upsticks.AIBU to put my foot down and refuse to move? It’s four against one though. Added to this I made everyone move here just because I wanted too, although it’s been great for us in many ways and the kids have had an awesome time but time to move on? Would like some unbiased views please!

Of course you can say no. It's a short term move, you'd never get your exact same house back in a decade

At the very least rent out your house and rent there in the town - buying and selling at the moment is massively expensive because of stamp duty. You certainly don't want to do it twice as goodbye £30,000

Also if they all don't really like it you won't have lost anything - you can just move back.

Your current house is big enough to have a lockable attic/lockable garage/lockable outside store ? So you don't have to get rid of your stuff.

... be prepared to drive a lot. We live rurally and I have driven thousands of miles dropping off and collecting children

It's still limiting for teenagers. They can't be spontaneous. If a friend contacts them in the morning and says 'do you fancy doing xyz?' they can't just go. They have to check whether a parent is available to take them and pick them up, then later perhaps have to go home because Mum's waiting, when the friends have decided to go on to do something else.

And as a pp said, they're not learning the skills of using public transport and getting themselves from A to B.

I would move for my children. What's the point of being in the country with long walks and river swims on your doorstep if they're not interested. And in the next couple of years they really won't be.

They'll just end up resenting you. I can't understand why you can't move a lot closer to things for them without having to be in the city centre. Isn't there an available compromise?

What about a compromise? If moving to London say ,then what about one of the leafy suburbs. May be a bit more expensive than where you are now, but parts of Kent are still reasonable and some of Essex is quite green and only a short drive to London .Similar in other Cities I guess ?

@zafferana

Doesn't sound like they are financially strapped.

I disagree - if they sell their cottage in the country they will only be able to afford a much smaller property in the city - so they're hardly rolling in money. If they could afford a nice place in the city that is equivalent to the size of their home/garden in the country, my advice would be different and the decision for the OP would presumably be an easier 'yes'. The real issue is that moving back to the city would involve a huge compromise on the kind of property they can afford. Do the DC really understand what this will entail? I argue no, they don't, because they don't yet have the life experience to understand it.

. . . This is why you included them and lay it all out, do some house viewings together online e.t.c

If it was me. I'd be saying look at this place. This what we can afford (I'd try to put them off)

e.g

We won't have a garden, you'd have to share a room e.t.c

It's not coming across to me as a financial reason, it's coming across to me as the OP likes her life where she is.

Sadly everyone else wants change including the other Adult.

@DameAlyson

... be prepared to drive a lot. We live rurally and I have driven thousands of miles dropping off and collecting children

It's still limiting for teenagers. They can't be spontaneous. If a friend contacts them in the morning and says 'do you fancy doing xyz?' they can't just go. They have to check whether a parent is available to take them and pick them up, then later perhaps have to go home because Mum's waiting, when the friends have decided to go on to do something else.

And as a pp said, they're not learning the skills of using public transport and getting themselves from A to B.

. . . Depends where they are. Where I live it's pretty safe and busses run frequently to every part of the city.

My daughter is 11 and in a year or so would be happy to train her up to get around. I lived in a city, slightly out of the main city and they walked to school, her and younger brother by themselves. 20 min walk and mostly pedestrian crossings. I trained them up for months.

I know people are worried about their kids but I think teaching them independence and street smarts is only a good thing.

This is why you included them and lay it all out, do some house viewings together online e.t.c

If it was me. I'd be saying look at this place. This what we can afford (I'd try to put them off)

... which is what I recommended in my first post ...

@dottiedodah

What about a compromise? If moving to London say ,then what about one of the leafy suburbs. May be a bit more expensive than where you are now, but parts of Kent are still reasonable and some of Essex is quite green and only a short drive to London .Similar in other Cities I guess ?

Yes I live in SE London and it's incredibly green and quiet here, with huge parks everywhere. Most cities probably have their quiet bits?

Why not show them the houses you could afford (whether that's online or a house viewing). That may change their mind anyway when they realise what they would be moving to

@zafferana

From what I got it sounded like they are too young to be included in the decision.

Ultimately the decision comes from the parents, but they should at least get a say / state their case especially if one adult is on the same page as them. Then the parents go away and decide and the mum can state all the cons she wants to put them off / give them the full picture.

Thanks for all your replies, I really appreciate it and I do see both sides of the coin. I know I’m being selfish. To answer a few questions, it’s partly financial advice we would have less money in the city I am sure and probably a bigger mortgage but I could potentially get more work there so that might balance out ( I’m freelance). The kids have seen some house in our price bracket online, sharing, small rooms, nothing deters them! They think this house is old and draughty ( it is! It’s very old and a bit creamy but I love it, they however would prefer some hermetically sealed boxy house with ‘new’ furniture etc). We would have to downsize a lot, that means losing a lot of our stuff or paying to store. Rents are high where we are moving too so that’s probably out of the question, although we have thought about it. Husband super laid back so, although he wants to move, he would never ‘make me’. He wants us all to be happy though, as I do. Currently like da can’t just walk in to town, pop to the shops or go to the cinema without being driven. We only have one car too so sometimes, it’s not always here to do that ( using got work away etc). We have two buses a week! It’s really awful, transport-wise. I do think that in the very long term it would not be a good idea to be so isolated though, not when we are in our dotage so I do see it needs to be done at some point. Yes, GCSE’s coming up year after next so that’s another concern.

*creaky! Not creamy!😂

It is the adults decision
Not dc.

I apologise profusely for the typos! I hope it makes sense. I’m multitasking!

But you cannot live in area with two buses a,week and only one car. That is madness

And yes, I would not let kids decide but I do think their wants/needs add to the argument for leaving.

@Embracelife we have been for 6 years! We’ve been working from home mostly so not an issue usually.

I wouldn't do the move personally, but it is for you and your husband to decide. Teens are never happy and often want to be in the place they are not - the grass is always greener etc. I think the countryside has much more to offer than cities for all ages, but I'll happily ferry my child around if needed in future.

I’d not move. I grew up in a small village and loved it, and now live in a very small village after moving from a city- would never go back.

I don’t reckon the two girls will like sharing very much, 14yo won’t be able to have boyfriends/friends round as her little sister will be in their room, they’ll like different things, no privacy and yes they may go to uni, but 1. They may not and 2. I know plenty of people over 18 still living with their parents, can you imagine the two girls having to share at that age?

There would be less funds available, So less money to do things?

Maybe it's not been an issue until now but it really will become one as all the kids get older

Oh dear OP. Been there. In the end we moved back when the kids left home but that's a way off for you, and doesn't take account of what they feel now. The difference is that I really wanted to move, so the much smaller house thing has worked out.
I don't see how you can really, not if it will make you sad.
Is there any possibility of a flat in town and tiny place in the country for escaping to?

Sorry if you've answered this up the thread (looked but couldn't see it) - but if it's your dream house, any way you could you rent it out, whilst you rent a place a bit closer to the city? Even if you couldn't fully match rent for rent, finance-wise, you wouldn't be spending the extra on stamp duty/selling costs etc... might balance out?

Agree in looking to see if there's a location that compromises too...

I feel for you, it's a difficult situation!! I was a teenager in the country and hated it, but now I desperately want to move back out to the country (but can't because of my partner's work)

Creamy sounded nice.

I grew up in Wales and had a great childhood, but there were lots of pubs, nightclub and shops in the area.

I would hate to be isolated like that as I got older. As a kid it was great. Forest, rivers, mountains and shortish bus into main busy town.

It sucks when you get older and there is a lot of drinking and drug use in small places because teens get bored (not a fact)

I think you should set aside your needs on this on if it can work for the best. You got to move there in the first place and had your time. Maybe it's your husband snd kids time.

If it's not financially crippling and is doable.

Do you share taxiing the children around @Trixiefirecracker?

You are not being selfish! Children don't know what's best for them and I wouldn't be moving back to a city when they are approaching teenage years, I am trying to get OUT before they reach that age!

I work in an inner city school so I have been exposed to urban life for teenagers and it is absolutely grim to be honest with you. You have to work so hard for them to maintain a childhood as you might imagine it.

Many, many will disagree with me.

Also, no idea what city you're referring to so may opinion may differ depending!