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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend says she judges me for being in contact with my Dad

152 replies

niceandwarming · 02/11/2021 20:49

I want to start this post off by saying I don't condone any of my Dad's views in any shape of form.

My Dad and I have an ok relationship, I am in my mid 20's but he has a lot views which are absolutely disgusting. First off he is racist, openly thinks black people have what he calls a "chip on their shoulder", I heard him once refer to a disabled person using the r word, thinks people who are going to clubs and getting spiked is their own fault as their drunk. Calls gay people "Queers".

My friend has said she judges me for staying in contact and having a relationship with him.

Would you do the same?

OP posts:
Totallydefeated · 02/11/2021 20:50

Who is she to judge you?

Why are you standing for it?

PiffleWiffleWoozle · 02/11/2021 20:50

I judge her for judging you. He’s your dad. You disagree with his views but he’s still your dad!

TheChip · 02/11/2021 20:50

Its entirely up to you who you chose to have in your life. Its none of your friends business.

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 02/11/2021 20:51

No. I would refuse to socialise with you when he was present though.

Comedycook · 02/11/2021 20:52

No I wouldn't judge you... despite what many on here say, cutting off contact with close family is easier said than done. He's still your dad

JustLyra · 02/11/2021 20:52

I think people with decent parents, or non-abusive parents, don't realise how difficult it is for people who have parents who are flawed or abusive.

When it comes to parents people judge - I've been judged for not being in touch with my late father (despite him being abusive), my siblings were judged for being in contact with him despite him being abusive. It says more about the people judging than you.

Marvellousmadness · 02/11/2021 20:54

I would pull my dad up on it. Tell him to clean is act. Educate him and if he didn't change his ways i would distance myself from him.

Somuddled · 02/11/2021 20:56

Judge isn't the right word but I would probably choose not to be your friend if he is as bad as you say.

WinoAnon · 02/11/2021 20:57

I have similar family op. I change the subject and can't be round them too long because the options of biting my tongue for ages or starting an argument aren't great. If we're off topic though we get on great. If they weren't family then I wouldn't associate with someone who has those views so I guess that's the simplistic perspective your friend has.

drpet49 · 02/11/2021 20:57

* Judge isn't the right word but I would probably choose not to be your friend if he is as bad as you say.*

^I would be the same

sweeneytoddsrazor · 02/11/2021 21:00

Your parents can have completely different views to you, but still be decent loving parents. You obviously disagree with his views as does your friend. You could remind her that despite his flaws he managed to raise someone she likes enough to want to spend time with

DinoWoman · 02/11/2021 21:00

It's none of your friend's business. I'm sure it's a very easy thing to say if you've had a great upbringing with decent parents. Life is more complicated than that for many. Your friend is an adult and should realise this too.

Wolfiefan · 02/11/2021 21:01

I would judge you if you didn’t tell him not to say things like that around you.
He sounds vile. I couldn’t have an “ok” relationship with someone like that.

WickedWitchOfTheTrent · 02/11/2021 21:01

She sounds as delightful as your Dad

SpookyPumpkinPants · 02/11/2021 21:02

He's your Dad, you can love someone despite hating their opinions/views.

Only you know whether you can change his views or not (probably not) & what involvement you want him to have in your life.

Your friend seems to be lacking in empathy or much concern for your well being.

grapewine · 02/11/2021 21:03

@Somuddled

Judge isn't the right word but I would probably choose not to be your friend if he is as bad as you say.
Same. It's pretty awful attitudes, OP.
AccidentallyOnPurpose · 02/11/2021 21:09

@Somuddled

Judge isn't the right word but I would probably choose not to be your friend if he is as bad as you say.
You probably wouldn't have many friends left.
OhMyfanwy · 02/11/2021 21:13

My friends dad was like this, she definitely didn't hold his views. I really felt for her, no I wouldn't judge you based on his bigotry

Whereismumhiding3 · 02/11/2021 21:14

Your friend is out of order
He's your dad
Even court proven abusive dads get contact with their DCs, let alone adults DCs!

Just bc you see your Dad, & kept in touch, it doesn't mean you agree with his views or behaviour,
You're not racist, homophobic or rude. You're not joining in his behaviours ...

Your friend has difficulty seeing people as individuals.

BurntO · 02/11/2021 21:15

I’d pass judgement on it, yes. We all make judgements on stuff. I’d likely ask how you make it work, if we were friends.

I would wonder how you manage to spend time together as most people I have known with such views find it impossible to not bring them into conversation and I couldn’t spend time with someone who did. But that would be my opinion and I wouldn’t offer that unless asked.

Blinkingheckythump · 02/11/2021 21:19

I'm with your friend. Just because he's family doesn't excuse his behaviour. I wouldn't be friends with someone with those attitudes so I wouldn't socialise with family with them

starsparkle08 · 02/11/2021 21:22

I wouldn’t want contact with a dad like that. However it’s your choice .but I’m with your friend on this

Totallydefeated · 02/11/2021 21:22

@Somuddled

Judge isn't the right word but I would probably choose not to be your friend if he is as bad as you say.
What, because of somebody else’’s views??
itsallgoingpearshaped · 02/11/2021 21:28

I'm with your friend, tbh.

Your father's views are repugnant and vile. I wouldn't be able to spend much time with someone like that, family or not.

Chickychoccyegg · 02/11/2021 21:28

You're friend is being ridiculous and so are the posters who agree with her.
His views are not your views, he is your dad regardless of his rubbish views.