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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend says she judges me for being in contact with my Dad

152 replies

niceandwarming · 02/11/2021 20:49

I want to start this post off by saying I don't condone any of my Dad's views in any shape of form.

My Dad and I have an ok relationship, I am in my mid 20's but he has a lot views which are absolutely disgusting. First off he is racist, openly thinks black people have what he calls a "chip on their shoulder", I heard him once refer to a disabled person using the r word, thinks people who are going to clubs and getting spiked is their own fault as their drunk. Calls gay people "Queers".

My friend has said she judges me for staying in contact and having a relationship with him.

Would you do the same?

OP posts:
Totallydefeated · 02/11/2021 21:28

@DinoWoman

It's none of your friend's business. I'm sure it's a very easy thing to say if you've had a great upbringing with decent parents. Life is more complicated than that for many. Your friend is an adult and should realise this too.
Exactly. Your friend needs to understand the concept of boundaries and not being able to control others - nor that she should wish to. As do many on this thread, it would seem.

There’s a very disturbing flavour in the current zeitgeist of not only voicing opinions about other people’s views (fine), but in going way further in trying to punish people for having views one doesn’t like. See the hounding of Professor Stock and the like. OP’s friend seems to be cut from the same cloth. It’s not a good direction for society to be going in.

Seeking to debate issues and influence the views of others is absolutely fine. Coercing, cancelling and attempting to punish them is not. It shouldn’t need saying.

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 02/11/2021 21:30

@itsallgoingpearshaped

I'm with your friend, tbh.

Your father's views are repugnant and vile. I wouldn't be able to spend much time with someone like that, family or not.

But the friend isn't spending time with him. Just OP, who presumably she likes and they have a fairly similar outlook on life.
Peoniesandpeaches · 02/11/2021 21:32

@sweeneytoddsrazor

Your parents can have completely different views to you, but still be decent loving parents. You obviously disagree with his views as does your friend. You could remind her that despite his flaws he managed to raise someone she likes enough to want to spend time with
You can’t be a bigot and a “decent loving parent” you just can’t. His love is conditional on her being straight, able bodied and not loving someone of a different ethnicity. And I would remind you that being a decent person is not always a result of your parenting but in opposition of the way you were parented.
JustLyra · 02/11/2021 21:34

No wonder people stuck with repugnant families and vile partners often feel unable to tell people with some of the judgements that comes their way.

Yika · 02/11/2021 21:37

Your relationship with your father is none of your friend’s business.

drpet49 · 02/11/2021 21:42

* You can’t be a bigot and a “decent loving parent” you just can’t. His love is conditional on her being straight, able bodied and not loving someone of a different ethnicity. And I would remind you that being a decent person is not always a result of your parenting but in opposition of the way you were parented.*

^Great post

Bancha · 02/11/2021 21:43

@Totallydefeated has said what I wanted to say, in a much more eloquent way than I’m capable of right now.

Some of the responses on this are crazy. It baffles me the way people are seen as almost being disposable. ‘I wouldn’t be friends with someone whose dad held views I found offensive’. What?!

grapewine · 02/11/2021 21:46

His love is conditional on her being straight, able bodied and not loving someone of a different ethnicity

Exactly. That's not decent or good parenting.

LobsterNapkin · 02/11/2021 21:48

She sounds like she has low emotional intelligence.

While it is not great that there are people who think this way, one of the things that often strikes me about family connections is they force us to have real contact with people who think really differently, and to see them as human and even loving.

I think that's a social good and a lot more likely to lead to real change than views like your friend's.

LobsterNapkin · 02/11/2021 21:50

You can’t be a bigot and a “decent loving parent” you just can’t. His love is conditional on her being straight, able bodied and not loving someone of a different ethnicity. And I would remind you that being a decent person is not always a result of your parenting but in opposition of the way you were parented.

How old are you? Because that certainly is not how things play out in real life. People are a lot more complicated than that.

Missmissmiiiiiiiiisss · 02/11/2021 21:50

@Somuddled

Judge isn't the right word but I would probably choose not to be your friend if he is as bad as you say.
Why? I wouldn’t assume people held the same views as their parents. Unless being your friend meant seeing him often then I don’t see how it relates.
stealingbeauty · 02/11/2021 21:54

Your friend sounds childish. If she can’t tolerate people with different views to hers then she’s immature. I don’t agree with my parents on loads of things but they’re still my parents. They’re also a different generation, obviously, and attitudes back then really were different!

BananaPB · 02/11/2021 22:04

I would judge you but I wouldn't tell you that.

I have an equally nasty mum and I have been NC with her for over 20 years. She's not met any of my kids so she can't taint them with her poisonous ideas. They are old enough to have unrestricted internet access so will be aware of nasty people but hopefully not as bad as the stuff my mums says

HoneyItAlreadyDid · 02/11/2021 22:28

Surprised by all these people saying they wouldn’t be friends with the OP because of their dad. I’m not adverse to the idea of going non contact with someone but only on MN do you see people cutting blood relatives out of their lives in this way.

namechangeobvs1988 · 02/11/2021 22:30

You're friend is an idiot. Family bonds are extremely strong - you can think your dads a knob but ultimately still love him because he's your dad, it's natural.

saraclara · 02/11/2021 22:32

Your friend is an idiot. You are you, not your father. He brought you up, he's your dad. I don't like his views one bit, but they're not enough reason for you to disown him.

It's the friend that I'd walk away from. Who is she to tell you you shouldn't be in contact with your own father?

MiddleParking · 02/11/2021 22:34

For me it would depend on what your attitude to your dad and his views were. If you were defensive of his behaviour or tried to justify it I’d judge you for that. If you were horrified by it but didn’t want to cut him off because he’s your dad I’d totally get that.

Peoniesandpeaches · 02/11/2021 23:14

@LobsterNapkin

You can’t be a bigot and a “decent loving parent” you just can’t. His love is conditional on her being straight, able bodied and not loving someone of a different ethnicity. And I would remind you that being a decent person is not always a result of your parenting but in opposition of the way you were parented.

How old are you? Because that certainly is not how things play out in real life. People are a lot more complicated than that.

Is that really your best argument to attack my age? There are a lot of differing opinions you can have and still be a decent person but I, like most people, draw the line at bigotry. I’m in my 30s and know first hand what it’s like to have a bigot for a parent. I also found out what it was like to be on the other side of their bigotry when I came out. It’s easy to play the “it’s complicated” card when what you really mean is “it’s inconvenient to me” to deal with it.
Rainbowsew · 02/11/2021 23:32

@drpet49

* Judge isn't the right word but I would probably choose not to be your friend if he is as bad as you say.*

^I would be the same

By all means judge him, and his abhorrent views, but why this op? They aren't their views. They haven't said they condone it.

As pp have said only on Mumsnet do people go no contact at the drop of a hat. It's not easy.

How can society move on and become more tolerant if everyone just stops socialising with people who disagree with them. What about trying to change people's views?

I've had relatives express less than tolerant views of different types of people. I don't agree with them, I actively tell them and say it's not appropriate and offensive, I point out instances of hypocrisy. The classic was homosexuality was prohibited in the Bible from a person who'd never read the Bible!

At the end of the day I still love these people, they're still my family and that won't change. For you op I'd be rethinking the friendship, she shouldn't be judging you at all, what are you getting from the relationship?

Itsnotallaboutyoubaby · 02/11/2021 23:35

100% echo what @Totallydefeated said. Your ‘friend’ is in the wrong here

sbhydrogen · 02/11/2021 23:36

Is your friend a Guardian reader?

GrolliffetheDragon · 02/11/2021 23:37

I have family members with unpleasant views, it does make it difficult to visit them and my parents and I have made it clear we disagree with them... but cutting them off, going NC? It's difficult, because the family is difficult for a lot of reasons (not excusing their views, which are separate).

I would hope if I'd discussed this with a friend, my discomfort with their views and some of the background, that they would understand and not judge me.

ModMajGeneral · 02/11/2021 23:39

It’s none of her business who you have in your life. She should learn the limits of her control and butt out.

TBH, I’d judge her for her excessively simplistic understanding of family bonds.

Rainbowsew · 02/11/2021 23:45

@Totallydefeated totally agree.

I'm seriously concerned for society and the inability some people seem to have when it comes to debate and discussing issues.

maddening · 03/11/2021 00:04

Crikey it seems the sins of the father are indeed visited upon the child!

Any friends that did not know me as a child would have bo clue who my parents are, I also don't demand the ins and outs of their family, I judge the person themselves.

Some of the opinions stating that they would not be friends with the op based on her father is similar, imo, to when a person's family member/ spouse commits a grotesque crime, no matter how innocent they are the families can end up being ostracised by the community.