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Original poster

Friend says she judges me for being in contact with my Dad

152 replies

niceandwarming · 02/11/2021 20:49

I want to start this post off by saying I don't condone any of my Dad's views in any shape of form.

My Dad and I have an ok relationship, I am in my mid 20's but he has a lot views which are absolutely disgusting. First off he is racist, openly thinks black people have what he calls a "chip on their shoulder", I heard him once refer to a disabled person using the r word, thinks people who are going to clubs and getting spiked is their own fault as their drunk. Calls gay people "Queers".

My friend has said she judges me for staying in contact and having a relationship with him.

Would you do the same?

OP posts:
IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 03/11/2021 07:13

Tough one.
If it was a friend or more distant relative then yes, absolutely and I would believe you held the same views even if you tried to hide it

But a parent is more challenging. There's a shitload of really complicated emotions that makes cutting off even really really revolting parents a lot harder than "just go NC". I would judge you a bit but I would try to remember that cutting off a parent can be really hard - you only need to read threads on here about bloody awful parents and the op is still running round after them. Trying to appease them. In the worst cases chucking their partner and kids under the bus for them.

IncyWincyGrownUp · 03/11/2021 07:14

I wouldn’t judge you for being in contact, I’d judge you if you allow him to poison your child’s mind with his bullshit and I’d judge you if you passively accepted it too. You can love somebody and tell them they are an absolute arse.

Jamallama · 03/11/2021 07:17

He is your dad, it's up to you whether you have a relationship with him.
Your friend doesn't have to see or speak to him, therefore it has absolutely no impact on her life whatsoever.
She needs to grow up.

Heronwatcher · 03/11/2021 07:23

I wouldn’t judge you for keeping in contact but I would if you don’t repeatedly challenge these views or at least make it clear that you don’t want to hear them from him. Accepting someone else saying this normalises it and makes him think it’s acceptable. He does sound pretty awful- would you be in contact if he wasn’t your dad I wonder?

Fernhilde · 03/11/2021 07:27

It's a very black and white way of thinking, to cut off someone because they have views you strongly disagree with. Family relationships are more complicated than that.
You can't change your dad, neither is it your responsibility.

MrsLargeEmbodied · 03/11/2021 07:35

he is your dad, he is his own person, as are you

SausageSizzle · 03/11/2021 07:36

She hasn't walked in your shoes.

saraclara · 03/11/2021 07:41

@sbhydrogen

Is your friend a Guardian reader?
What's that got to do with the price of fish? Nice unthinking judgementalism on your part there, too.

I read the Guardian. I think the friend is way out of order.

Charm23 · 03/11/2021 07:43

In all honesty, yes, I think I would judge you. He sounds vile and continuing to be around him makes me think you don't care that deeply or even condone how disgusting he is. I would not associate with someone like that and would expect others to do the same unless they saw nothing wrong.
I don't have contact with my dad because he's not a nice person and too stressful to have in my life.

Disfordarkchocolate · 03/11/2021 07:43

No, not at all.

I'd avoid seeing him and I'd feel sorry for you but never judge you for contact.

Rainbowsew · 03/11/2021 07:48

@madisonbridges

"You can’t be a bigot and a “decent loving parent” you just can’t. His love is conditional on her being straight, able bodied and not loving someone of a different ethnicity. And I would remind you that being a decent person is not always a result of your parenting but in opposition of the way you were parented."

You have no way of knowing hpw he'd react if his daughter were gay, disabled or in love with someone from a different ethnicity. Faced with any of those circumstances he might change his views completely. So you are wrong to say he isn't a decent loving parent. He's just a man that hasn't been faced with certain situations.

This is a very good point. A lot of people who say the stuff mentioned in the op come from a position of ignorance, they've never met/known been involved with people of other races/religions/sexuality. When they do, they understand they're people too and opinions change.

My parents had sheltered lives, in white lower middle class neighbourhoods. They've made comments (that I've challenged) and they were borne out of ignorance, hopefully I've changed their views over time or certainly raised awareness. My dad made the comment about homosexuality not being approved by the Bible, but I'm absolutely certain if I or my brothers had come out as gay he would have accepted us and his views would have been proved daft, he was just uneducated. He was a good dad, there was no malice against gays if anyone else, he just grew up in a time when those words and views were trotted out without thinking.

The main thing about the op's situation is the friend "tainting" the op with the views of her dad, that is wrong and shows a severe lack in emotional intelligence and how relationships work. It's her I'd be stopping the contact with.

Vallmo47 · 03/11/2021 07:50

I think your friend (and some people replying), are being harsh. As your FRIEND I would support you, knowing full well you completely disagree with your father’s views and do call him on it when he says these things in your presence. I would respect my friend’s decision to not speak or see my dad, but beyond that it’s really really not her place to judge you based on who your father is. Christ, if we were all judged based on past generations there would be NO decent people out there, we’d all be alone!

TheAverageUser · 03/11/2021 07:55

No I wouldn't judge you, to do that would mean that his views are in some way reflected onto you and they're not. You can't help your family and if you love your dad and want a relationship that's your business and nothing to do with this "friend".

notanothertakeaway · 03/11/2021 07:59

I think you can judge people by the company they keep

And people get away with offensive behaviour because people don't challenge them. Perhaps your dad would reconsider his views if he found that no one was willing to spend time with him, because they all found his views so abhorrent

But, I can see it's a big deal to cut off a family member. In some ways, it's a bit like an abusive partner. If they were awful all day every day, then you'd walk away earlier. But there are times when it's more positive, and deep down, you keep hoping it may improve

Mantlemoose · 03/11/2021 08:04

I don't think I know any of my friends parents so wouldn't affect me
.some people just like to have an opinion of things which are none of their business. I would ditch the friend.

saraclara · 03/11/2021 08:10

I think you can judge people by the company they keep

You can if the company is a friend that they've chosen to have. But not if the 'company' is their parent.

JustLyra · 03/11/2021 08:12

@JackieWeaverHandforthCouncil

Well you clearly don’t share his views and she can avoid being around him so unless you’re defending, minimising or excusing his behaviour then she is BU.

That said I have a friend with a dad like this. She told us awful stories of him beating up her DM and DB, when he bothered to work it was cash in hand, claimed every benefit he could lie his way to, was racist, encouraged her and her DB to shout abuse at a Spanish family up the street, she wasn’t even permitted to go out with a Irish kid from school, smashed up records she’d bought with black artists, shouted abuse from his car when driving past black, Asian or any foreign looking people etc. We despised what we’d heard but obviously we didn’t have to be around him so it was ok.

However, she got married just before Covid and she didn’t have her longest friend as a bridesmaid. She didn’t want to cause issues with her dad - said friend was mixed raced and he only wanted ethnically white English people in the wedding party so she gave in to have peace. Friend was understandably hurt.

A few of us have cooled our relationship with her since then. It was disloyal to her friend who’s treated her better than her dad. She should have stood up for her friend and ignored her dad who wasn’t even paying for the wedding. Let him kick off, he needed to find out that being like that has consequences.

The lack of understanding about abusive relationships and how they work shows massively in this one.

It’s nowhere near as simple as “she should have stood up to him” when you are talking about violent bullies who potentially have the ability to prevent you seeing other relatives too.

Hankunamatata · 03/11/2021 08:16

Isnt your friend totallly self righteous

Many of us have family who don't have the same views as us or just abhorrent views. Most cant be changed. So we say our peice, then avoid contentious subjects and get on with life as they arnt going to change

Keke94LND · 03/11/2021 08:21

Everyone saying you're with the friend on this, OP is saying her friend is judging HER not judging her dad, if it was judging the dad then fine, but to judge someone because their dad has horrible views? My grandma is 90 and probably has some views that are questionable, should I stop seeing my Nan!?

MangoIce · 03/11/2021 08:22

You can love someone despite their views. You just change the subject (unless they’re a paedo, terrorist or abusive). Your friend needs to get a hobby because she’s too obsessed about you and what others think.

On a side note. I thought queer was a slur, but now it’s LGBTQ as in Q for queer? So confusing.

MangoIce · 03/11/2021 08:26

@JackieWeaverHandforthCouncil your friend's dad is an abuser who happens to be racist. OP’s dad has views that aren’t PC, but isn’t abusive (OP hasn’t mentioned abuse).

RudestLittleMadam · 03/11/2021 08:31

I wouldn’t judge exactly but I would wonder why you’d want to be in contact with such a vile person, dad or not. You also say you get on ok with him. Is that because you don’t challenge his disgusting views at all? Only because I don’t see how else you’d have an ok relationship with him.

I’d definitely refuse to socialise with you if he was there.

TravelLost · 03/11/2021 08:34

Hmm… I think some people who have very strong views about racism being unacceptable and the OP should call her dad out etc…. Actually have never been in that place in the first place.

My parents are lovely people who have supported me, loved me unconditionally, have supported a family member who is black etc,…
They are also racists …

Ive tried to actually call then out on their behaviour and what they say. It’s not working. It’s making everyone upset, they dint change their view at all. They actually genuinely don’t understand how some of the things they say can be hurtful, including to said family members because “of course it’s not about . They are different”
(Think too about Brexit and people saying they want immigrants out of the country but of course it’s not about the neighbour down the road who they get in well with, thé carer who visits their mum or their very nice consultant….)

And by reducing them to just being racist, it’s focusing on one flaw (despite the fact we all have one) and forgetting that they are also people, kind, supportive etc….

So having discussion with them, telling them I disagree, YES. But calling them out in it, refusing to see them? Nope sorry. I think that would be wrong and the OP’s friend is wrong too.

UnsuitableHat · 03/11/2021 08:38

Your relationship with your dad is your business, not hers. I wouldn’t want to visit you if he was there, but that’s different.

TravelLost · 03/11/2021 08:42

Actually this thread is somehow laughable.

So many people saying they would never accept a parent speaking like this and would cut them out if their life because their views are vile.

Would you also agree with people who have cut parents out because they are brexiters/ukiper and so on?
I mean a lot of those are actually racists/xenophobic even if sometimes it’s a bit more hidden than what the OP describes. But I’m sure that when some people were mentioning falling out with family members around that, they were told to accept they have different political views (and to learn to live with it).

I can a only assume that as many more people are expressing those ideas then it makes them lore acceptable Hmm.
Or actually people have found that cutting family like this isn’t as easy as it looks!! Nor suitable for that matter.