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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend says she judges me for being in contact with my Dad

152 replies

niceandwarming · 02/11/2021 20:49

I want to start this post off by saying I don't condone any of my Dad's views in any shape of form.

My Dad and I have an ok relationship, I am in my mid 20's but he has a lot views which are absolutely disgusting. First off he is racist, openly thinks black people have what he calls a "chip on their shoulder", I heard him once refer to a disabled person using the r word, thinks people who are going to clubs and getting spiked is their own fault as their drunk. Calls gay people "Queers".

My friend has said she judges me for staying in contact and having a relationship with him.

Would you do the same?

OP posts:
SammyScrounge · 03/11/2021 00:06

You only get one Dad. I think you're right to keep up your relationship with your Dad and your friend should respect that. She sounds like one of those people who judges people according to the latest twitter groupthink. A person is more than
inappropriate words.If Dad is older he may not even realise he's inappropriate.
Is it all just words with him? Would he harm
anyone he trashes? Would he work beside somebody gay or black and make their life a misery? Hopefully not.
So he's harmless.

whynotwhatknot · 03/11/2021 00:12

nah wouldnt hold it against anyone

my friends dad is also racist makes monkey noises apparently and says people should go back to the jungle

im not stopping my friendship over it i dont see him

madisonbridges · 03/11/2021 00:15

"You can’t be a bigot and a “decent loving parent” you just can’t. His love is conditional on her being straight, able bodied and not loving someone of a different ethnicity. And I would remind you that being a decent person is not always a result of your parenting but in opposition of the way you were parented."

You have no way of knowing hpw he'd react if his daughter were gay, disabled or in love with someone from a different ethnicity. Faced with any of those circumstances he might change his views completely. So you are wrong to say he isn't a decent loving parent. He's just a man that hasn't been faced with certain situations.

MrsSkylerWhite · 03/11/2021 00:18

I haven’t seen or spoken to my brother for 39 years because he’s a violent, racist, misogynistic bully.

So, would have to agree with your friend.

Silenceisgolden20 · 03/11/2021 00:23

@SammyScrounge

You only get one Dad. I think you're right to keep up your relationship with your Dad and your friend should respect that. She sounds like one of those people who judges people according to the latest twitter groupthink. A person is more than inappropriate words.If Dad is older he may not even realise he's inappropriate. Is it all just words with him? Would he harm anyone he trashes? Would he work beside somebody gay or black and make their life a misery? Hopefully not. So he's harmless.
Well he's def not harmless Shock But how the OP has a relationship with him is up to her really, not her friend.
Silenceisgolden20 · 03/11/2021 00:25

Unless you don't have a toxic parent, it's hard to see how hard this must be for the OP. I agree with her friend but the OP will be in the realms of FOG. That's what I mean by it's not up to the friend.

Silenceisgolden20 · 03/11/2021 00:26

Sorry, have a toxic parent

TiredSloth · 03/11/2021 00:27

So he's harmless.

@SammyScrounge I completely disagree with this. Spreading bigotry and hate is not fucking harmless. Some of the attitudes on this thread are shocking.

TiredSloth · 03/11/2021 00:35

So you are wrong to say he isn't a decent loving parent. He's just a man that hasn't been faced with certain situations.

@madisonbridges I don’t even know what to say to this. Anyone who spouts vile racist, homophobic and ableist language is not a decent parent. It is our job to teach our children tolerance and acceptance, not to spread hate. We are failing our children on a fundamental level if we are teaching them that people that are different from ourselves are beneath us.

Op, I wouldn’t judge you for your dad’s ‘views’ but I would question how you could be around him.

lotusgirl909 · 03/11/2021 00:37

People judge because thinking is hard.

NoDecentHandlesLeft · 03/11/2021 01:28

@TiredSloth

So you are wrong to say he isn't a decent loving parent. He's just a man that hasn't been faced with certain situations.

@madisonbridges I don’t even know what to say to this. Anyone who spouts vile racist, homophobic and ableist language is not a decent parent. It is our job to teach our children tolerance and acceptance, not to spread hate. We are failing our children on a fundamental level if we are teaching them that people that are different from ourselves are beneath us.

Op, I wouldn’t judge you for your dad’s ‘views’ but I would question how you could be around him.

Well, OP doesn't seem to have the same views, so he hasn't taught his child to actively hate others. Generally these situations are complicated. Even children of very abusive parents find it hard to sever that bond. I wouldn't judge the OP.
urbanbuddha · 03/11/2021 01:38

I think your friend's wrong. As children grow their parents learn from them and their experiences. As time passes your father's views might well change because of the examples you give him. Just be clear you don't agree with him.

SammyScrounge · 03/11/2021 01:42

@TiredSloth

So you are wrong to say he isn't a decent loving parent. He's just a man that hasn't been faced with certain situations.

@madisonbridges I don’t even know what to say to this. Anyone who spouts vile racist, homophobic and ableist language is not a decent parent. It is our job to teach our children tolerance and acceptance, not to spread hate. We are failing our children on a fundamental level if we are teaching them that people that are different from ourselves are beneath us.

Op, I wouldn’t judge you for your dad’s ‘views’ but I would question how you could be around him.

She can be around him because he's her Dad and quite likely she knows all the good things about him.People are always more than one thing.
CtrlU · 03/11/2021 02:00

Well you know what they say

Birds of a feather, flock together

If his views bothered you that much then you probably wouldn’t be speaking to him.

If he offended you- would you still be in contact with him? Or it’s fine as his discriminating views don’t affect you?

HadEnoughofOtherThreads · 03/11/2021 02:07

‘…I’m not adverse to the idea of going non contact with someone but only on MN do you see people cutting blood relatives out of their lives in this way’

It’s not only on MN. MN is not the only forum where these issues are discussed.
Some people will never understand why others have to go NC with family in order to protect themselves and their MH. People just need to listen to and respect other people’s lived experiences instead of being dismissive and claiming that they know better.

JessieLongleg · 03/11/2021 02:13

This is you dad not a friend by choice, I can understand saying to you maybe keep a bit of distance. But cutting off a parent is no ones choice but yours.

HadEnoughofOtherThreads · 03/11/2021 02:21

Whether or not you have contact with your Dad is none of your friend’s business. I’m assuming that your friend does not have to be friends with or be around your Dad, but I suspect that she feels that you are condoning his disgusting behaviour by not calling him out on it. And, therefore, views you as being complicit.

People who behave is this way are not decent.

I guessed what was coming next after reading the title of the post and the opening paragraph.

TreeSmuggler · 03/11/2021 02:42

It's a complicated situation, I wouldn't judge you for keeping in contact.

However in terms of your friend, I suppose I'd ask how she even knows what your father is like. If she ends up having to talk to your father at family/friends bbqs, or you constantly complain about him, then yes maybe I would get a bit frustrated if I was her. Keep them seperate and don't give his views more air time by going over them.

Bonsaibreaker · 03/11/2021 02:57

If MN had its way we would all be single, friendless and no contact with all family members while only having pets that were rescued from the pit of despair to aid us in our misery.

CardiganAddict · 03/11/2021 05:38

It can be hard for people with wealthy supportive families, lots of options and a safety net to understand the nuances behind staying in contact.
I am only now in a position, with lots of money behind me to cut contact with toxic family. Before that, I needed them just incase something went wrong so I would just tolerate them and get on.
I also now realise that cutting contact may not be the best thing with these people - gaining their respect and slowly talking is better than isolating them into an echo chamber / silo. Life isn't so simple.

ivykaty44 · 03/11/2021 05:40

You can’t choose your family but you can choose your friends….

AuntieMarys · 03/11/2021 05:50

He isn't " harmless". Do you call him out when he says these awful things? Does he say them in front of your children?
I couldn't be in the same room as someone who openly and unapologetically thinks like that...family or not. I'd be ashamed to be associated with the likes of him.
We don't see BIL for the same reason.

JackieWeaverHandforthCouncil · 03/11/2021 06:03

Well you clearly don’t share his views and she can avoid being around him so unless you’re defending, minimising or excusing his behaviour then she is BU.

That said I have a friend with a dad like this. She told us awful stories of him beating up her DM and DB, when he bothered to work it was cash in hand, claimed every benefit he could lie his way to, was racist, encouraged her and her DB to shout abuse at a Spanish family up the street, she wasn’t even permitted to go out with a Irish kid from school, smashed up records she’d bought with black artists, shouted abuse from his car when driving past black, Asian or any foreign looking people etc. We despised what we’d heard but obviously we didn’t have to be around him so it was ok.

However, she got married just before Covid and she didn’t have her longest friend as a bridesmaid. She didn’t want to cause issues with her dad - said friend was mixed raced and he only wanted ethnically white English people in the wedding party so she gave in to have peace. Friend was understandably hurt.

A few of us have cooled our relationship with her since then. It was disloyal to her friend who’s treated her better than her dad. She should have stood up for her friend and ignored her dad who wasn’t even paying for the wedding. Let him kick off, he needed to find out that being like that has consequences.

Grida · 03/11/2021 07:01

She can choose to cocoon herself in her own purified world of like minded people but it isn’t very diverse. With diversity comes different, and sometimes unsavoury, views.

dottiedodah · 03/11/2021 07:09

He is still your dad. Some older people seem to have this mindset and it is difficult to change it! Tell him the world has moved on .I would keep visits short tbh . What about your mum does she agree ,if not get her onside with you

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