Nasty for them to exclude me?

[Korbah]

Last Christmas DH and I decided not to mix. I’m CEV and was due to be vaccinated in January, I didn’t want to risk my life at the last minute after I’d shielded for months. But his family were making plans including us, and I was worried it would get to the point where they’d say it’s too late to drop out, and I’d get pressured into it. DH said I’ll tell them but not right now... because he knew MIL would take a hissy fit and wanted to postpone it. I told DH I was finding it stressful and feeling like I was going to be pressured into something unsafe for my health, so he needed to tell them within 7 days or I’d tell them myself. He didn’t tell them - so I did. As nicely as possible.

MIL immediately left the group chat and blocked me. Apparently she cried for weeks because of not having her family Christmas. Nobody posted in the group chat ever again. I’ve seen MIL and the rest of DH’s family a couple of times since then and have chatted politely. So I figured MIL’s tantrum was forgotten.

Yesterday I saw DH texting in a new “Bloggs Family” chat. Looks like they’ve set up a new family chat with everyone except me. I got really annoyed and said it’s nasty to exclude me. DH said no no, it isn’t a new family chat... we were just texting each other. Well that is a new family chat then!

AIBU to just refuse to have anything to do with any of them ever again? They’ve purposely excluded me and I think it’s nasty, I don’t see how I’m supposed to see them and just ignore it.

I don’t think you were being unreasonable in pulling out of Christmas and from the sounds of it communicated it in a respectful way.
However it does appear that this hurt you MIL (again not your fault but just a consequence). The setting up of a new chat excluding your I agree is hurtful to you but I can also see that in order to avoid friction and family tension while still maintaining contact, why it was done initially. I don’t think it’s right for your DH to keep it from you and I suspect once time has passed you will be added to the group but it does sound like there is some work to do in your relationship with MIL if this is what you want. Family politics can be a nightmare and it is your choice whether to engage with it - there are benefits and disadvantages but it seems she is the matriarch and everyone will follow her lead.

Your husband is a cowardly, disloyal piece of shit.

OP: you say everyone's in this group apart from you. Who exactly do you mean?

only joking! It's been like the opening of Red Dwarf on this thread ("Everyone's dead, Dave"...)

I have as many different WhatsApp groups of different 'slices' of family as there are days in the week but:

1. No one would ever flounce off if someone else was tagged into any group

and

1. I wouldn't expect anyone to continue with any group if they thought someone would feel upset or included for not being included.

The clincher for me is that your DH won't tag you in but won't leave the group. Spineless shit. He either stands up for you and brings you into the group and lets everyone know he expects you to be treated nicely as his wife, or he refuses to take part in something that is upsetting you like this and leaves the group himself.

Him participating is like a stab in the back. To me, anyway.

The good news is, you don’t have to worry about who tells mil you and dc are not coming to Christmas this year , or you to anything at all. Cowardly twatface will just have to decide for himself when to break the news and face the music himself, as you aren’t in the picture. Not your problem.

You MIL sounds batshit but if I were you I'd be going ballistic at your husband.

A lot of family dynamics and internal politics read like a Vaclav Havel essay (1978) The Power of the Powerless :

Obviously the greengrocer is indifferent to the semantic content of the slogan on exhibit; he does not put the slogan in his window from any personal desire to acquaint the public with the ideal it expresses. This, of course, does not mean that his action has no motive or significance at all, or that the slogan communicates nothing to anyone. The slogan is really a sign, and as such it contains a subliminal but very definite message. Verbally, it might be expressed this way: "I, the greengrocer XY, live here and I know what I must do. I behave in the manner expected of me. I can be depended upon and am beyond reproach. I am obedient and therefore I have the right to be left in peace." This message, of course, has an addressee: it is directed above, to the greengrocer's superior, and at the same time it is a shield that protects the greengrocer from potential informers. The slogan's real meaning, therefore, is rooted firmly in the greengrocer's existence. It reflects his vital interests. But what are those vital interests?

Let us take note: if the greengrocer had been instructed to display the slogan "I am afraid and therefore unquestioningly obedient;' he would not be nearly as indifferent to its semantics, even though the statement would reflect the truth.

hac.bard.edu/amor-mundi/the-power-of-the-powerless-vaclav-havel-2011-12-23

Your MiL is reading like the 'superior' here and everyone is going along with her. I doubt they've ever reflected on why or the consequences for you (unless they're truly malevolent or intimidated).

If you've had the conversation with your DH about what he is condoning and he chooses to continue, then that is either something that you're comfortable with for the present and the future or not.

@TheKeatingFive

I basically have to accept being disconnected from the lives of all my inlaws and nieces nephews etc. Just because MIL took a tantrum about me shielding.

It's more because your DH won't stand up for you, in fairness.

Yeah, this is on your DH, OP.

It sounds like your mil was being dramatic

It now sounds like you are being dramatic

I'm not in my DH family chat and quite frankly l'm glad not to he disturbed by their inane drivel

Stop creating unnecessary drama

Your Mil is vile and someone should have stood up for you. Your DH is spineless and happy to hurt you over his mother, regardless of the fact you did absolutely nothing wrong. That’s deeply hurtful.

Moving forward I would personally struggle with DH’s betrayal. On a practical note I would be polite to in laws but very aware of this, it would make me anxious in their company - I would absolutely avoid wine with my Christmas lunch incase I said something .

That is horrible, I can completely see why you are hurt. I can't see how you can move forward really. It is a massive breach of trust by your DH, who has been lying to you for a year. It sounds like MIL is massively hard work, and everyone else is scared to rock the boat, but that is massively unfair on you. Can your DH not see why you are upset?

@Jumpingintochristmas

Your Mil is vile and someone should have stood up for you. Your DH is spineless and happy to hurt you over his mother, regardless of the fact you did absolutely nothing wrong. That’s deeply hurtful.

Moving forward I would personally struggle with DH’s betrayal. On a practical note I would be polite to in laws but very aware of this, it would make me anxious in their company - I would absolutely avoid wine with my Christmas lunch incase I said something .

I'd just not be in their company. H can go alone

@LadyTiredWinterBottom2

It sounds like your mil was being dramatic

It now sounds like you are being dramatic

I'm not in my DH family chat and quite frankly l'm glad not to he disturbed by their inane drivel

Stop creating unnecessary drama

The difference is you don't want to be involved.

Fellow CEV here, we are still shielding and planning on doing so through winter. Sending you support :-)

As the saying goes this is a DH issue, not an MIL issue.

He should have told her you both would not attend the first time the topic was raised. Instead he chickened out and let her go on and on making her reaction much worse than it probably would have been if he hadn't let her hopes be raised.

He also should insist that you are added to the chat or he will leave it.

I couldn't be married to someone who so obviously didn't have my back just for a quiet life.

OP I’m sure you know you have a DH problem here. Yes his mum is a massive drama Queen and it’s horrible they’ve been messaging each other behind your back, but he is the one person who should always have your back and prevent situations like this arising.
Time for a serious chat with him. This situation is entirely his fault - if he had spoken to your mum separately to explain then they wouldn’t just have gone nuclear at you. If he had insisted you were added to the new group you wouldn’t now be feeling crap.

He needs to understand he has let you down hugely and really damaged the relationship between you and his family, so a family Christmas won’t be possible this year. He needs to make it up to you and heal the rift he has caused.

OP - there is no way on this planet I would be going to my MIL's for xmas dinner under the circumstances you describe. Which means DH wil,l have to pick a team. Easy for me, my DH would never have allowed my exclusion in the first place. Your DH needs to grow a pair - would he really choose to spend xmas without his wife to please his mummy? I would hope not.

I'm guessing the chat that was set up immediately after fall out was to discuss the Christmas situation - they couldn't do that with you on there. 🤷‍♀️

Sounds like it might only be your MiL and DH who are excluding you - chances are no-one else has checked the participants list closely and assumes that you are on it - or if they have noticed they probably would assume that you didn't want to be.

Its annoying but I'd let them get on with it. You said you don't have much to do with them anymore so why would you want to be on chat with them. I can see why your hurt but also its impossible for your dh - he leaves chat then doesnt have contact with family or he insists you are added and another fall out happens. Let them get kn with their drama

@LadyTiredWinterBottom2, this isn’t something that has happened and OP is refusing to get over it. This is something that is continuing to happen. She is being excluded continuously from the WhatsApp group. Her husband participates in the group, knowing that she’s deliberately being left out. This is ongoing. The OP is now being expected to attend family events, knowing that she is being the only one being excluded and doesn’t have a single sole willing to stand up for her, including her DH.

Or soul even!

Why would you even want to be on their boring old chat? I’m very glad not to be on my DH family WhatsApp. I think DH wishes he didn’t have to be on it either! You won’t be missing out on anything remotely interesting OP, surely you have better things to do then scroll through their inane chit chat?

We have various family whatsapp groups depending on who we want to share which info/chat with. This is because of the varying level of daily contact/personal visits/ personal liking/ different interests.

We ALL do this and it's perfectly open above board and OK with all of us. Nobody feels excluded or bursts into tears.

I think it's safe to say you have a DH problem. The question is what do you want to do about that?

Lots of people missing the point.

The chat was set up to exclude - that has longer term issues than just not having to read family news. It means every single member of DH's family - including her husband - are ok with isolating the Op.

It's a horrible way to treat a family member.

And if you are bored with family chats you can just mute - I do if I'm overwhelmed with other crap. But it's always nice to have the option to congratulate someone on a new job/school/achievement or share a bit of positive news yourself.