Nasty for them to exclude me?

[Korbah]

Last Christmas DH and I decided not to mix. I’m CEV and was due to be vaccinated in January, I didn’t want to risk my life at the last minute after I’d shielded for months. But his family were making plans including us, and I was worried it would get to the point where they’d say it’s too late to drop out, and I’d get pressured into it. DH said I’ll tell them but not right now... because he knew MIL would take a hissy fit and wanted to postpone it. I told DH I was finding it stressful and feeling like I was going to be pressured into something unsafe for my health, so he needed to tell them within 7 days or I’d tell them myself. He didn’t tell them - so I did. As nicely as possible.

MIL immediately left the group chat and blocked me. Apparently she cried for weeks because of not having her family Christmas. Nobody posted in the group chat ever again. I’ve seen MIL and the rest of DH’s family a couple of times since then and have chatted politely. So I figured MIL’s tantrum was forgotten.

Yesterday I saw DH texting in a new “Bloggs Family” chat. Looks like they’ve set up a new family chat with everyone except me. I got really annoyed and said it’s nasty to exclude me. DH said no no, it isn’t a new family chat... we were just texting each other. Well that is a new family chat then!

AIBU to just refuse to have anything to do with any of them ever again? They’ve purposely excluded me and I think it’s nasty, I don’t see how I’m supposed to see them and just ignore it.

YANBU. It's a strange Mumsnet phenomenon where people get married and don't integrate with their DHs family (or share finances- utterly bizarre!). I completely understand. You are part of the family and part of the chat. They cut you out because MIL was spiteful. It WAS your DH's place to tell his mum you weren't coming and because he's a coward, you were put in a shit position. He must be scared of his mum for some reason - probably because she's overly dramatic. She probably knows everything about covid risks too lol. I understand why you didn't want to go last year and she really should not have put you in that position. With regards to the situation you are in now, you can't really add to chat. But you could ask why no one posts in the chat anymore. Act innocent and make them squirm / be adults? Going forward, you just have to take it as it is. They were dramatic and excluded you and that's nasty of them. But it's who they are. Be better than that. Be civil to them and polite. Act as if it wasn't a big deal that you didn't go last year (because it wasn't). I often find when people are dicks that killing them with kindness is the best option. Good luck x

It's a shitty thing for them to have done and your DH is being spineless allowing it to continue (seems he has form for this though?)

However, you don't need to be disconnected from his family's lives. Surely you can message your inlaws separately? Send pics to your SIL and ask her to send some back etc? I'm in a group chat with my DH's family but still regularly message people individually.

I agree with PP though. Go and enjoy Christmas day. Mention how disappointed you were to have missed last year's celebrations. Don't mention the group chat!

I’d slowly build an alternative WhatsApp group so you can stay in the loop.

To be perfectly honest whilst I wouldn't give a toss about a new group chat that excluded me I'd be refusing to attend anything with MIL ever again. She's made it perfectly clear what she thinks of you, there's no way I'd be playing nice or visiting her home because her behaviour will never change and she'll always "go nuclear" each time you do something that goes against her plans.

This is a situation of your husband's making. He needs to decide if a nuclear mother is worth trying to appease vs the feelings of the woman he's meant to want to spend the rest of his life with.

@Eddielzzard

I think it's vile. Clearly everyone is scared of bat crazy MIL and everyone just keeps their heads down. Personally I think you're lucky to be out of it and I'd not go to any more family functions.

^^ this. in spades.

@Korbah

I'd kick DH out for not having your back too. He could've said Well if that is how you are treating my wife then count me out because my priority is my wife DH has forgotten the vow of 'forsaking all others' that includes his mum. He needs to adult.

However, never negotiate with terrorists. Put your feet up. Revel in doing all the Christmassy things that you can do now the tantrummer has left the chat group.

MIL is a pathetic bully.

@Korbah

Yes it was mean for them to all leave the group and set up a new one without you, but do you really want to be involved? They’re all communicating regularly about their lives and I’m the only one who’s excluded. I didn’t receive the photos of my SIL’s graduation. Or my nephew’s first day at school. Or my niece’s exam results. Or the twins in their Halloween costumes for their school disco. DH showed me some photos and I thought they must have been sent to him directly, but it turns out they were put in the family chat so everyone saw them except me. I’m basically excluded from everything they share.

I'd be going ballistic at DH here. He can then decide which woman in his life he placates, you or his mother. He needs to get out of the FOG - Fear, Obligation and Guilt - that he feels towards his mother.

I don't know if you mentioned if you have kids but can you imagine the guidance and leadership he is demonstrating to them by allowing this to happen? He needs to find his spine and leave the family group chat but tell them exactly why he is doing it! Then if family contact him he must reply with "Are you going to speak to all of my family or just me?" if they don't include you, he doesn't speak to them until they do.

Cunt your self lucky. Family whatapp groups are incredibly boring

@Korbah

I think you have to rise above it, so go along and just show a polite interest in whatever people say. Don’t mention the group chat. Thanks, this is the sort of useful advice I was looking for about how to handle the situation going forward. It’s awful though. I basically have to accept being disconnected from the lives of all my inlaws and nieces nephews etc. Just because MIL took a tantrum about me shielding.

What is to stop you being in contact with them ? That one whatsapp group is not your only means of being in touch

COUNT*

People choosing YABU probably haven't read past the OP.
This is shitty behaviour OP and I'd be demanding answers from your DP.
I could never tolerate someone who chooses a 'quiet life' over justice. In future I wouldn't be attending anything unless I get an apology.

I originally thought YABU, but having read your posts where you e explained the new group chat has all partners etc, I think they are being unreasonable.

However what sticks out to me is that your dh is scared if his mothers behaviour, I expect the rest of the family are too. She sounds horrible. This should be a line in the sand for your H, he needs to stop being afraid of the consequences from his mother, and stick up for you. He should be asking for someone to add you back into the group chat.

This sounds really tough, because as nasty a situation as this is with your in laws, it sounds like the overwhelming problem is your relationship with your DH.
His behaviour sounds awful. He hasn’t been loyal or supportive of you at all. Excluding you from the group chat, which he’s not told you about, but expecting you to attend family events, knowing that you’re being ostracised, is a gigantic breach of trust.
It seems to me that your upset should be directed at him and that if he expects you to be part of his side of the family and a loving wife, he needs to resolve this issue, ideally in the WhatsApp group that excludes you, and by talking to his DM. If he’s not willing to be loyal and trustworthy, surely that spells big troubles for your marriage moving forwards? How can you continue to live in a situation like that?

However, you don't need to be disconnected from his family's lives. Surely you can message your inlaws separately?
The problem is that it’s easy for people to just put their photos and updates in the family chat where everyone except me will see it. Then they have to repeat that action to send the same thing to me separately. They aren’t going to bother - they’ll just drop it in the family chat and it’s tough if I don’t see it. And I have to send my photos and updates to several different people, which is a hassle for me too. What’s really crap is that they’re all missing out on my DC too, because DH has never been on the ball with providing updates, it was always me who took photos and posted about DC.

No I wouldn't have minded. It's his parents, let him chat with them.

I don’t think I could attend anything with mil ever again either. Or his cowardly family or your extremely pathetic cowardly husband. Have you told him you’ll have to explain I won’t do family events anymore and hear them catch up on the news they’ve excluded me from? I’m too upset and hurt to look at YOU much less them, do you actually hate me expecting me to come to this?? It would be the worst Christmas ever.

Its a family chat and you turned down their invitation last year. You're not really family just an in law. If you are included nice. If not thats up to them. No need to have a tantrum about it.

@Viviennemary

Its a family chat and you turned down their invitation last year. You're not really family just an in law. If you are included nice. If not thats up to them. No need to have a tantrum about it.

All the other in laws are included. Just op is excluded. But she’s expected to turn up and chat nicely. Fuck that. My dc and I would be at my parents for Christmas.

@Viviennemary

Its a family chat and you turned down their invitation last year. You're not really family just an in law. If you are included nice. If not thats up to them. No need to have a tantrum about it.

Did you miss the part where everyone else's partners are included?

@Beautiful3

No I wouldn't have minded. It's his parents, let him chat with them.

It’s not his parents. It’s his parents, his siblings, his siblings partners, sharing the updates on the nieces and nephews, making the family plans the op is expected to go along with. It’s absolute bullying, the kind of thing you’d pull your kid out of school if they were subjected to it there.

How on earth are you coping with knowing that for months and months your husband was colluding with his family and in laws in your exclusion?

You’re very dramatic!

What’s really crap is that they’re all missing out on my DC too, because DH has never been on the ball with providing updates, it was always me who took photos and posted about DC.

And this is the consequence of your MIL's actions. You have to let her feel the loss.

If you do go to another family function and people assume you know stuff, don't cover up the exclusion, be open about it. Let it sink in. Let it be uncomfortable.

Very much this @MamDancer! What a pathetic cowardly little man, he can get to fuck.

And the op has been very patient with all these questions from all these people who are navigating an internet site/app very well given they can’t actually read.

Excluding you from the group chat, which he’s not told you about, but expecting you to attend family events, knowing that you’re being ostracised, is a gigantic breach of trust.
This is the problem. He knew they’d excluded me. He knew they were exchanging photos of the kids and I was the only one who wasn’t seeing them. He knew I was the only one not being updated on Bill’s new job and Ben running the marathon and Bob growing a huge tomato that won the village fete. And he allowed that to happen and said nothing. And he let me meet up with them and sit there like an ignorant spanner while they all knew they’d ostracised me. I still wouldn’t know if I hadn’t happened to accidentally see “Bloggs Family Chat” on his phone.

If all the others are included then thats mean. Don't go to their get togethers . Say oh I thought the meet ups were just for the app group members.