Nasty for them to exclude me?

[Korbah]

Last Christmas DH and I decided not to mix. I’m CEV and was due to be vaccinated in January, I didn’t want to risk my life at the last minute after I’d shielded for months. But his family were making plans including us, and I was worried it would get to the point where they’d say it’s too late to drop out, and I’d get pressured into it. DH said I’ll tell them but not right now... because he knew MIL would take a hissy fit and wanted to postpone it. I told DH I was finding it stressful and feeling like I was going to be pressured into something unsafe for my health, so he needed to tell them within 7 days or I’d tell them myself. He didn’t tell them - so I did. As nicely as possible.

MIL immediately left the group chat and blocked me. Apparently she cried for weeks because of not having her family Christmas. Nobody posted in the group chat ever again. I’ve seen MIL and the rest of DH’s family a couple of times since then and have chatted politely. So I figured MIL’s tantrum was forgotten.

Yesterday I saw DH texting in a new “Bloggs Family” chat. Looks like they’ve set up a new family chat with everyone except me. I got really annoyed and said it’s nasty to exclude me. DH said no no, it isn’t a new family chat... we were just texting each other. Well that is a new family chat then!

AIBU to just refuse to have anything to do with any of them ever again? They’ve purposely excluded me and I think it’s nasty, I don’t see how I’m supposed to see them and just ignore it.

@TheKeatingFive

You're not really engaging with the DH issue here OP.

Because we can all pile in and call MIL an hysterical cunt as much as you like (and from everything you've said, that's entirely fair) but the only person who can actually improve this situation for you is DH.

What I actually wanted to say, said well.

Get your husband to add you to the group chat.
I suspect it was set up shortly after your MIL went ‘nuclear’. Time has moved on, let it go now. If DH hasn’t got admin rights to the group ask whoever has without dragging up last year’s issues.
I think you’re right to feel hurt, but time to move on - Christmas last year was a shambles for everyone.

Don't think I could be married to someone who's not got my back. Sounds pretty miserable.

@FreeBritnee

How is it not exclusion? The OP has stated there was a family WhatsApp group that used to include her. She carefully excused herself from Christmas arrangements which resulted in the MIL flouncing off the group to cry for two weeks and OP states that group was never posted on again. Now there is a new family WhatsApp group that doesn’t include her. That’s the very definition of exclusion isn’t it?

Yes, of course it's exclusion.

@Korbah

Ignore all the arseholes deliberately overlooking your updates and people saying you are controlling for wanting to be in the family group. I thought once you married/were a partner you become family. we have a group Whatsapp and both Aunties and Uncles and cousins etc are in. Imagine me not including some Uncles because they aren't blood related or something. That seems even more weird.

Your MIL is an absolute bitch but it's your DH who is the problem here. why would he not stick up for you? Aren't YOU his family also?

Agree with PP.

YANBU to be upset. It's horrible to set up a group and exclude one person if everyones partners are on it.

It's more horrible of your DH to go along with it however. He put you in this position in the first place by refusing to be honest with his mum, effectively making you the bad guy!

He has since excluded you from a chat that includes his siblings partners, without mentioning it to you, and without sticking up for you at all.

He should have spoken to his mum and said it was a joint decision and he should have said can you be added and if they said no he should refuse to participate in leaving you out and just asked everyone to message him individually. Or set up group chats with each individual family unit.

Your MiLs behaviour is awful. But she is like this because she gets away with it and your husband is enabling her, excluding your own wife because it would upset your MiL to include her is disgusting. I think don't worry about the rest of his family for now and concentrate on your relationship with him. Do you have children? If not I'd seriously wait until he is less under the influence of his batshit mum before considering it

People are being deliberately obtuse here.

Firstly, I don’t understand this trend for blocking people unless they’re threatening you with harm. But seems this is the thing among the childish.

Want to break up with your boyfriend? “Block him.”

Don’t want to see what your friends have to say? “Block them.”

Don’t like the answer you got about Christmas and the DIL not coming? “Block her.”

Seriously it’s pathetic. Don’t talk to someone by all means, but by actively blocking someone you’re sending out a clear message to say “up yours, I no longer want anything to do with you.”

On that basis no, I wouldn’t have anything to do with her again. She’s made her views clear and she’s stuck two fingers up at you, so give her her way and don’t engage with her again.

And at the same time I would seriously be considering my relationship with DH, because by not standing up to her he’s clearly supportive of her “fuck you” statement.

What on earth does he think is going to occur this Christmas?!
Apparently we are all going to MILs for dinner. Which I was fine with because I’m double jabbed and have also had a booster jab. Until I found out that they haven’t stopped communicating about their lives as a group - they’ve just set up a new group that excludes me.

I can see how the conversation over Xmas dinner is going to go. Congrats on your exam results! (I didn’t see them). Aww didn’t the twins look cute in their costumes? (I didn’t receive the photos). How’s your new job going? (I didn’t know he had a new job because he posted about it in the family chat that I’m excluded from). Etc.

I think it's vile. Clearly everyone is scared of bat crazy MIL and everyone just keeps their heads down. Personally I think you're lucky to be out of it and I'd not go to any more family functions.

Why does your DH think it is okay to exclude you like this? What has he said about it? He should speak to his Mum to clear the air and invite you into the group, it's not right for everyone to be included but not you.

He has since excluded you from a chat that includes his siblings partners, without mentioning it to you, and without sticking up for you at all
This is what’s hurtful. He knew they had set up a new family chat including everyone except me. He knew they were sharing all the photos and updates and I was the only one not receiving them. And he was fine with that and allowed it to carry on and participated. For months and months.

YANBU

I personally wouldn't bother having anything to do with them again.

I'd also say that you've got a husband problem.

He should have told you about the group a long time ago. I imagine MIL causes more hassle for him when there's an upset than you do, therefore it's OK to upset you and not her. That's not OK at all.

If other siblings' partners are included, then you should be also. Your DH needs to step up and insist on it.

Is it the same group as the one you were removed from? If MIL kicked you out if that one they wouldn't have needed to set a new one up and everyone else would just be in by default?

If you don't go again this year I suppose there's nothing else MlL could do. I'd avoid the drama

@Vickles20

Oh for gods sake. Get over it and get over yourself OP! It’s your husbands family. Step back. Let him have his group chat with his parents and siblings etc. You sound very ‘you’. Let your husband have something that isn’t ‘you’. It healthy you know. Jeez

Yes. 'Etc' - his siblings' partners.

That's ok, is it?

Is it the same group as the one you were removed from?
No. I wasn’t removed. MIL removed herself from the original group and blocked me. Then set up a new group with all of the original members except me.

Do you have children yet?
Does / will your MIL behave like this about anything with their upbringing different to her way

@Korbah

Yes it was mean for them to all leave the group and set up a new one without you, but do you really want to be involved? They’re all communicating regularly about their lives and I’m the only one who’s excluded. I didn’t receive the photos of my SIL’s graduation. Or my nephew’s first day at school. Or my niece’s exam results. Or the twins in their Halloween costumes for their school disco. DH showed me some photos and I thought they must have been sent to him directly, but it turns out they were put in the family chat so everyone saw them except me. I’m basically excluded from everything they share.

It’s their choice how they share their family pics and if they don’t want to send them to you then that’s fair enough. We did something similar on in laws side as my bil (sil’s dh) tends to argue with everyone on the group chat & Mil doesn’t like it.

I think you have to rise above it, so go along and just show a polite interest in whatever people say. Don’t mention the group chat.

I'm on none of several family WhatsApps (my family and DH's). Some of it is exclusion and nonsense. It can be very inconvenient but given the drama llamas in both families it is very freeing in many ways.

I think you have to rise above it, so go along and just show a polite interest in whatever people say. Don’t mention the group chat.
Thanks, this is the sort of useful advice I was looking for about how to handle the situation going forward. It’s awful though. I basically have to accept being disconnected from the lives of all my inlaws and nieces nephews etc. Just because MIL took a tantrum about me shielding.

I basically have to accept being disconnected from the lives of all my inlaws and nieces nephews etc. Just because MIL took a tantrum about me shielding.

It's more because your DH won't stand up for you, in fairness.

@DelphiniumBlue

But Christmas was cancelled last year. No one was allowed to mix.

There are places other than England. Wales for instance, allowed two families to mix for the day on Christmas day.

Was most annoying, I was looking forward to a year without having to see the in-laws!

*Firstly, I don’t understand this trend for blocking people unless they’re threatening you with harm. But seems this is the thing among the childish.

Want to break up with your boyfriend? “Block him.”

Don’t want to see what your friends have to say? “Block them.”

Don’t like the answer you got about Christmas and the DIL not coming? “Block her.”

Seriously it’s pathetic. Don’t talk to someone by all means, but by actively blocking someone you’re sending out a clear message to say “up yours, I no longer want anything to do with you.” *

If you mute the chat rather than block then you see what the other person is typing. Blocking stops you typing something that you might regret later and it means you don't see what they wrote for however long you block them. Muting just means that you don't get the notifications but it's there on your phone and if you're angry you might not want to see it.

MIL totally overreacted by putting all the blame on OP for something that's out of her control.

Presumably the h hasn't been updating her with yeh family gossip like back to school photos which is a shame for OP as she didn't realise that everyone has decided to pretend that last Christmas didn't happen which presumably everyone else (including her h) accepts.

Honestly, I would be asking MIL why she done this if it were me, but that won't be a popular opinion.
Your DH has no back bone, clearly, so he's not going to call her out on it. I would want to call MIL out on her behaviour and embarrass her.

She sounds awful. The rest of the family are probably not saying anything to you about the new chat to protect you, but they won't see it as their place to say anything to your MIL, that's your DH's place. However, if I were the other family members, I would be going back to the original chat and posting in there to make a point.