To not want my in laws visiting every month

[bravelittlepenguin]

In laws don't live near us- it's about a 3.5 hours drive. We aren't close to them and we've had a few "run ins" over the years which means it can feel slightly awkward for me when they are around.

We've got two little children, one 20 months and the other a newborn.

They've been to visit the newborn last month. They stayed for three nights but not at our house but we saw them each day. They have now organised to come at the start of December (we couldn't find a November date that worked for us all) and will be staying with us for two nights. I told DH I was assuming this would be their Xmas visit too as we are hosting 12 people for Xmas day and have other family members and friends staying (including Brother in law) before and over Xmas. MIL has now just messages saying "can we also come and stay for a couple of nights perhaps 20th/21st December". I really don't want them to stay or visit twice in a month particularly so close to Xmas and with so many other things going on and two small children.

AIBU?

It is doesn't even sound like he wants them there she is a forcing it!!

I think you need to set clear boundaries for visits that work for you and that your DH supports you on. Eg

One night stay max.
Once a month max.
They only visit on days when your DH is off work. Your maternity leave isn't so that you can host various relatives, particularly at this early stage.
Your DH hosts his own parents. Unless he shares the hosting of your family, in which case it is a team effort.

@Goawaymorningsickeness - really? Most men seem to be able to leave it all to their wives/partners. The mistake these people make is they do it because everyone expects the woman to sort all this stuff. If women started off their partnerships on an equal footing as regards this it would really smooth family relationships. I havent suggested she doesn't do anything, I've suggested to lets him take the lead and manages it. Let him do all the organising and planning - why not?

I’m your side OP

My dh doesn’t even like his parents, due to physical and verbal abuse as a kid… before our kids came along he would only ever see them once every couple of years to check in.

So now when they come to visit he mainly hides from them or tells them we’re not about so can only see them for an hour or so. Luckily they stay elsewhere, like yours. But they visit for up to 5 days at a time…, we defo don’t see them for 5 full days!

My issue is, dh’s mum fusses constantly and never stops talking, his dad just moans and grumbles about everything, that it actually becomes exhausting to be around them! Esp as i have to be polite.

My dh also works away 3 weeks on, 3 weeks off so he feels like they’re here every time he’s back from work and can’t completely relax or do things he wants to do.

So I’m with you op!

Yabu. You might feel this way but they might want to see their grandchildren. They are their family too.

I don't they they are at all unreasonable for wanting to see their grandchildren in Xmas week. They also don't always stay with you (from your OP). I think in order for your kids to benefit from a relationship with them you need to work on your relationship with them - if you could get more comfortable perhaps you'd be ok with them being around. I imagine they'd be pretty upset if they don't see their GCs in Xmas week.

And this is so contradictory: "The last few times they've come they've stayed somewhere else. I've always found it a bit odd because to me if family come to visit then they should generally stay and feel relaxed enough to stay in the house"

You don't want them visiting your house for long (3.5 hrs away for a night?!) you don't want them to stay at a hotel. So they can't win. They must see sense and do a 7 hr trip to see you for 5 hours. At their age. Hmm.

I do think you sound a bit mean tbh. They obviously want to build good relationships with their grandchildren. I lived 300 miles from my folks when kids were younger and saw them every 6 weeks for a few days. I went to them about half of the visits.

@DottyHarmer

Of course one's own family is superior - you've grown up with them, share the same old jokes, everyone rubs along for the most part, you understand people's foibles and forgive and forget,. In-laws are alien people with weird ways and traditions. Most dils (and sils) secretly wish their in-laws would take a one-way trip to the Falkland Islands...

But life is not like that. the OP's in-laws sound, well, in-law-y , ie a bit of a pain in the arse, boring and prickly - with offence ready to be taken on both sides.

I think it is mean for the OP to be hosting her own family of 12 for Christmas and then complaining about a trip of the in-laws. I doubt whether they are stupid and they must wonder whether to push to see their ds and gc or whether to accept that they are persona non grata.

Her posts clearly state they alternate and this year it's her family's turn to visit at Xmas. What's mean about that?

OP, YANBU

I would hate to have an obligation to have people to stay for 3 days every month. Imagine if you had to do the same with your own family too - nightmare - I could not handle having to host family every other weekend!

I don’t get all this ‘put up and shut up’ stuff about in-laws. Why should DILs totally subsume all inconvenience, awkwardness, and sometimes unpleasantness, to the grandparents desire to see the children

I had similar issues with my in-laws - lack of direct speech, desire to feel hard done by, it was infuriating and exhausting. I’m sorry you are going through the same.

I think suggest New Years visit (perhaps that could be the January one?)

I hope my children want to see me when they are older - and I hope that I’m not so blinded by what I want, that I don’t consider everyone else too. I certainly will never expect to have routine scheduled access

OP, I totally get where you're coming from. You've invited them to stay for an extended visit and now they've invited themselves to stay again only two weeks later when it's right before Xmas. It's too much. Cut it down to an overnight stay and arrange a longer visit in Jan.

How often do your parents visit Op?

Every month for 2-3 days is loads. I haven't rtft but the number of people all trying to kid OP that it isn't a massive pain having regular house guests is really odd

One night's stay is hardly worth it; most of the work is in getting the guest bedroom clean and beds, sheets/towels ready (especially this might mean washing guest linens quickly which can be hard if you are quickly cycling through different sets of guests), and the bathroom cleaned (free of toddler mess). I have had something similar to this schedule and I would say it is easier to have longer, fewer visits, than to have frequent short visits. They live several hours away, they have to accept that the practicalities of hosting and traveling means they will have less time with the baby.

I also think that (whether it's one night or three nights) once a month is a bit much for guests that have to stay overnight, especially if BOTH your families live far enough away that you have to host them overnight to see them. If you had both families to stay on equal terms then you could be hosting overnight guests every two weeks. You would be on your knees.

Just because your husband's family live too far away to drive up for a day visit does not mean that you have to make your own Christmas miserable having overnight visitors on a schedule pleasing to everyone but yourself. It sounds as if, prior to new baby, you were on an alternating schedule: his family one year, yours the next. This is the year to have your family. There is no obligation to have his family over for Christmas this year. Since they are coming a few weeks before Christmas, you could do an early christmassy celebration when they are there: exchange gifts, let the newborn "open" his/her gifts, have a nice dinner, things like that. Then next year it will be his family's turn again.

This time with your small children is precious and won't last forever. It's nice to include your families of origin but don't allow it to make you into a mere servant of their fun at the expense of your own wellbeing.

@Tigersauros

And this is so contradictory: "The last few times they've come they've stayed somewhere else. I've always found it a bit odd because to me if family come to visit then they should generally stay and feel relaxed enough to stay in the house"

You don't want them visiting your house for long (3.5 hrs away for a night?!) you don't want them to stay at a hotel. So they can't win. They must see sense and do a 7 hr trip to see you for 5 hours. At their age. Hmm.

@Tigersauros

I find it quite contradictory too.

it's all a bit Cutted Up Pear:
OP to PILs: why don't you stay with us instead of a hotel?
PILs to OP: oh, ok
OP to MN: and now they expect to stay with us every time, sheesh!
MN: ummm, you don't even want them to visit but you invite them to stay with you? YANBU
OP: no, I'm not

🤷‍♀️

I think you're getting a hard time over this. People seem to have "forgotten" that you have a 20 month old and a newborn (both being breastfed by mum) and will already have had your in-laws to visit 2 weeks earlier (You're such a meanie, lol). The second visit on the 20th and 21st are both weekdays so your husband will be working which leaves you to prepare for Christmas and the hosting of your family whilst entertaining your in-laws. This sounds like a recipe for disaster. Your baby will be possibly 3 months old at that point? Perfect timing for a growth spurt and sleep disruptions. You're allowed to put yourself and your own family first. It's too much, and really selfish/self-absorbed of your in-laws to have requested this. Essentially, you'll lose part of the 20th, all of the 21st, and a good portion of the 22nd because there's no way they leave at dawn (lol). Even if they stay at a hotel (which they should be doing if they've already stayed with you earlier in the month), you'll be exhausted and stressed leading up to the holiday because you've got 2 tiny children that you're breastfeeding. People must have forgotten how exhausting just getting through the day can be with little ones...never mind throwing 2 different nap/sleep schedules and a holiday into the mix. You are Being Unreasonable to even consider this;)

So do I have to host them for two days when I'm also hosting 12 people over Xmas just because they want to see the children?

Well it would be reasonable to wouldn't it if they're not part of the 12 invited?
All these bloody grandparents wanting to see their grandchildren on special occasions. Such a pain...

Don't worry OP, in another 15 years or so the kids will be older and the grandparents won't 'bother' you so much.

bahaha, I meant YABU in my last post!

oh well, I'm sure it was obvious despite a typo

So you werent happy when they stayed in a hotel. You persuaded them to stay with you next time even though they were reluctant. And now you're complaining that they want to come close to Christmas. Of course they want to see their son and grandchildren close to Christmas. Why not suggest going to them if you'd rather not host, or suggest they stay in a hotel again.

Have a think how you will feel in years to come if you couldnt see your adult children in christmas week

@bravelittlepenguin

The issue is that they are very passive aggressive and are never honest about how they feel or what they want to do which is totally exhausting. Eg "would you like to come for dinner" "oh no no we don't want to impose you have your dinner on your own" "well we've cooked for you already and have plenty in" "no no you have your time on your own". Sub text is they don't want to have dinner with us but for some reason won't say it.

Sorry, but that really makes no sense to me. Are you sure you’re not imagining these things? Inviting them to stay and feel at home but you actually don’t want them staying with you because you resent having to host them. Maybe you need to be much clearer about what you want/don’t want?

I’m a MIL who lives a very long way from our adult DC so we very rarely get to visit them. (Haven’t seen them for 3 years now due to Covid). However, if I said something like ‘we don’t want to impose, you go ahead and get your dinner’, that would be because I don’t want them worrying about looking after us as well as their children. We’re grown ups and perfectly capable of sorting ourselves out.

I believe the OP is married, therefore they are her family. Also they are blood relations of her children. Yes her husband would, in an ideal world, be off work. However I think unless he has holiday to take, if he takes time off work it may well be unpaid which I s often difficult, especially if OP isn’t working herself at the moment

OP is looking after two children! She is absolutely working!

Is your mum part of the 12 at Xmas. How often do you see your dm

Yanbu. I could not host my in laws once a month for 3 days. Especially not with that age of kids. Yes it’s nice people want to see them but my set up is very similar to yours in that our family is spread due to divorced parents on both sides so if we said yes to everyone coming once a month it would be a grandparent staying every weekend or even if not staying then the weekend being dictated by activities other people want to do. We’ve done it for many years much less frequently than that and even then it can be exhausting. I was also the one at home so entertaining them and when they’re not your own family and are hard work and feeding the baby, dealing with the toddler and making food, tea, meals, bed time etc etc then yes, it is too much. I would actually host them nearer Christmas but do say it’s too much to do both December visits as you have other things to fit in e.g. friends and family outings as your little 4! Yanbu at all, I totally see where you are coming from.

I found once every 6 weeks works better if you need an overnight stay. Basically that gives 2 weekends by yourself (or with friends) then 1 weekend with your parents 2 weekends by yourself (or with friends) 1 weekend with your in-laws.

OP, I get the irritation and (sometimes irrational!) annoyance. It’s the in laws and it’s always like that. But, just tell yourself that maybe they are really keen to spend time with baby and toddler whilst they are so small and to allow them this indulgence for a while in a gracious manner. Not before long the children will be hormonal, sweaty, moody teens and not sure the in laws will be jumping at the chance to spend time with them then!