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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my in laws visiting every month

472 replies

bravelittlepenguin · 01/11/2021 14:33

In laws don't live near us- it's about a 3.5 hours drive. We aren't close to them and we've had a few "run ins" over the years which means it can feel slightly awkward for me when they are around.

We've got two little children, one 20 months and the other a newborn.

They've been to visit the newborn last month. They stayed for three nights but not at our house but we saw them each day. They have now organised to come at the start of December (we couldn't find a November date that worked for us all) and will be staying with us for two nights. I told DH I was assuming this would be their Xmas visit too as we are hosting 12 people for Xmas day and have other family members and friends staying (including Brother in law) before and over Xmas. MIL has now just messages saying "can we also come and stay for a couple of nights perhaps 20th/21st December". I really don't want them to stay or visit twice in a month particularly so close to Xmas and with so many other things going on and two small children.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Bellie710 · 01/11/2021 18:40

Sorry but having houseguests that often with a newborn and toddler would be a no from me! Even if they were really good friends it is too much, all the extra cooking/cleaning/changing beds and washing etc especially when you are trying to get organised for Xmas would be exhausting.

I would say you are welcome to visit if you are staying in a hotel but unfortunately it is too much just before xmas.

GillBiggeloesHair · 01/11/2021 18:40

I couldn't do this. YANBU.
Why are they visiting while your husband is at work?

If it was the other way around, would any husband do all the prep/cleaning/shopping/hosting for his wife's parents? No he wouldn't and it would totally be expected that the wife would be there and not at work.

Your husband needs to step up.

Hont1986 · 01/11/2021 18:54

I can't believe people would have their in-laws over to stay every 6 weeks. Twice a year would be pushing it for me.

GreenerGrass23 · 01/11/2021 18:56

YANBU.

That would be too much for me, I don't want to host the in laws in my home, and wouldn't want to do it so close to eachother. I have other friends and family to see especially around Christmas! I also value my own family time with my DH and DC

could they stay in a local hotel? You could then schedule in an afternoon or morning with them so they get to see you all. But I wouldn't be hosting them!

Datsandcogs · 01/11/2021 18:56

I think you can refuse the visit immediately prior to Christmas. “I’m sorry that would be just before a very busy week and I can’t do that, perhaps we could meet midway?”

Or arrange to visit Father Christmas with them, winter walk, pub lunch, SOMETHING where you both travel and meet for a part of the day.

Method · 01/11/2021 19:00

YANUB not wanting them to come every month but YABU not wanting them to come for Christmas. You can hold a party for 12 but can't have grand parents visiting the children?

SnackSizeRaisin · 01/11/2021 19:00

You sound like you don't know what you want. You don't like them and DH isn't bothered yet you encourage a relationship and then complain about having to see them. You tell them to stay with you and then complain when they stay with you. You complain they are bad at communicating yet you won't just tell them what arrangements would suit you.

Just tell them it isn't convenient and they can either stay elsewhere and meet up a couple of times, or come in Jan. Or whatever other option would suit.

Fwiw I would not want to see the in laws that much either...so I don't encourage them to visit or stay with us - I just let DH make the arrangements

Tigersauros · 01/11/2021 19:09

You're inviting 12 people at Christmas and not the grandparents of your children. And they shouldn't come visit close to Christmas either. But but but, if they do come they shouldn't stay at a hotel, however, they also shouldn't stay longer than a night at yours and drive back for 3.5 hours...did I get this logic right?

ThePoisonousMushroom · 01/11/2021 19:09

@Hont1986

I can't believe people would have their in-laws over to stay every 6 weeks. Twice a year would be pushing it for me.
I like my in laws! Mine live abroad so only come every 2-3 months, but a week at a time.
me4real · 01/11/2021 19:12

I would find it draining entertaining/doing stff with people for a few days that often, too.

But it's even worse if they've been nasty too you in the past- you have to prrotect your own wellbeing.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 01/11/2021 19:13

@Tigersauros

You're inviting 12 people at Christmas and not the grandparents of your children. And they shouldn't come visit close to Christmas either. But but but, if they do come they shouldn't stay at a hotel, however, they also shouldn't stay longer than a night at yours and drive back for 3.5 hours...did I get this logic right?
@Tigersauros

🤣
yes.
sounds like early lockdown rules: don't go to work, but go to work if you have to, if you go to work avoid public transport unless you can't, don't go anywhere but you can if you have to etc

MeridianB · 01/11/2021 19:14

I’m with you, OP.

You’ve tried to do the right thing and it’s backfired, creating extra stress and work.

I afraid I don’t buy them being confused about the whole two visits in Dec. I suspect they always meant to come twice. As a PP said, it’s not their turn for Christmas with you this year. Bump them to Jan.

Their communication with you sounds really weird. Like you don’t count! This would really bug me and affect my approach to the relationship.

It does sound as if you have a big DH problem, too., I’m afraid. He needs to be 100% on board with you or there will be years ahead of wishy washy arrangements that suit everyone except you. 💐

Eddielzzard · 01/11/2021 19:16

I'd tell them a date that you think you can manage, maybe after Christmas or in the new year. So sorry about your parent's diagnosis. That's hard and that's what you should focus on.

As for maintaining a relationship with your in laws for your DH's sake, I have trod that path and it really isn't a good idea. Let him do it. He won't thank you, they won't either and you'll end up resentful and pissed off. Leave him to it!

Don't think of the obligation, think of what you can comfortably manage and offer them that. Then you won't have this put-upon feeling which WILL come across no matter how hard you try.

butterpuffed · 01/11/2021 19:18

You said they're planning to be there '10% of each month' , your words not theirs ! But they'd rather stay at a hotel and they'd rather not eat at yours so it's only that amount in theory. How often do you see your parents ?

JurgensCakeBaby · 01/11/2021 19:24

I'm going to go out on a limb and say invite them for actual Christmas, catering for twelve or fourteen is no real difference you're already mass catering, they get the Christmas visit they want, you get the buffer of large amounts of your family and groups won't be missed as they won't be running, the children get everyone all together at the same time.

IlonaRN · 01/11/2021 19:26

Could you say they're welcome to visit just before Christmas, but would have to stay elsewhere?

Kite22 · 01/11/2021 19:31

Well put @Tigersauros

Morgan12 · 01/11/2021 19:32

Omg how dare they visit family at Christmas and see their grandchildren monthly!

Get a grip ffs.

I'd be happy for the help with the kids that close to Christmas tbh. They can watch the kids and you can crack on with the last minute Christmas things you'll have to do because you will be so busy preparing for the big 12 people lunch?

Larryyourwaiter · 01/11/2021 19:34

I couldn’t do it either. I don’t know how people cope with visitors staying when it’s not totally relaxing. PIL used to come visit and it was exhausting. It’s not even the cooking and the cleaning it’s the fucking chit chat!
PIL only used to visit us every few years (too far!) but it was as bad when we went there, luckily we would go out a fair bit.
I think sons always think their mums are ‘helpful’ when they come to visit, even when they totally aren’t.

Whereismumhiding3 · 01/11/2021 19:38

@bravelittlepenguin

PILs don't have to stay with you just before Xmas as well. Just because you invited them to stay beginning of December, it doesn't mean anytime they want to visit from now on that they stay at yours forever more - not 10% the time every month! Blimey. I love my Dparents, they travel as far to visit us but even they only visit for 3 night stays every two months. If more often it's generally as they ask me if they can do a quick one night stop offs on way to or from holidays over my side of the country. And even then my dad does DIY for me when he visits as neither expect me to entertain them.

And you don't have to host PILs for 3 days generally all day and evening they stay generally. Make some of your usual plans so that you can limit time of visits from them when they stay ( I'd hate anyone sat in my living room for 3 days in a row with me having to "host" & entertain them)

Really though it's ok to reply that you aren't free to host any visitors for 2-3 days just before Xmas as you already have visitors staying to get ready for, but they are welcome to arrange Accomodation and pop in to see DGC one of the days and have a meal with you in the evening. You'll be very busy with Xmas arrangements for your 10 family members coming who you don't see often staying.

It sounds like PILs expect long 3 day visits and entertaining whereas your Parents / family just drop in and pitch in.

Really PILs should be arranging to visit when DH is free and at home, and it shouldn't fall mostly on you to entertain them by default, if you aren't overly close to them. It's lovely they want to see DGC that often but not at expense of your sanity.

ItsDinah · 01/11/2021 19:38

I get the impression you may have lost your sense of perspective from being stuck at home alone with two young children. If they're visiting monthly you do not need to menu plan or entertain. You carry on as normal and double the quantities for the meals you would normally have. You certainly don't cancel a baby class. You mention them politely declining going to dinner with you and take this to mean they don't like eating with you and your husband. This is verging on paranoia.

S0upertrooper · 01/11/2021 19:40

I'm with you OP, I don't think YBU but I do think you're being over ambitious hosting 12 for Christmas with wee ones.

I'm old enough to be a granny but doubt it will happen. Just back from a 10 day overseas visit to my DS and DDIL, we hadn't seen them for 2 years because of covid and where we live.

We refused to stay with them and instead got an airBnB. This meant we weren't falling over eachother and in their face. I had very difficult ILs who didn't like me and constantly criticised in a passive aggressive style. Not nice to be around so I'm very conscious of not being an overbearing MIL.

I also would not host anyone this often, for this length of time in my home. I think they are being demanding and your DH needs to push back. I also would not expect anyone to host me for this length of time.

Our DS and DDIL are probably spending Christmas with her family in Italy. I had a fleeting thought we might join them too. I'd thought about contacting DIL's DM to suggest it. I mentioned it to DIL and she said please don't, it will honestly be chaotic and we won't get a proper chance to see you, please come in the spring instead. Am I offended? No. Much rather she's honest with me.

How about a night half way in an air bnb or hotel, would that work? Maybe a bit pricey before Christmas but might be less grief.

Bushkin · 01/11/2021 19:45

I feel for you OP. We have similar issues and I also occasionally—have too much wine— over extend myself in some weird fantasy that we’ll ever be able to have a normal relationship with them.

I’d just say, sorry can’t do both, too much to fit in, which one suits you best. we are seeing DHs family for Christmas early December and I very much hope they’ve no plans like this

Bushkin · 01/11/2021 19:47

@S0upertrooper can you adopt my husband please?

Sweetpeasaremadeforbees · 01/11/2021 19:47

Every month for 2-3 days is loads. I haven't rtft but the number of people all trying to kid OP that it isn't a massive pain having regular house guests is really odd

Completely agree with this. OP, I would say they can come for Xmas dinner but not stay with you, you have enough people staying already. And after that I'd use the newborn and toddler as an excuse, maybe say that everyday life is so tiring that you really can't face people staying overnight every few weeks.

My parents live about 4 hours away and in normal times we would visit every school holiday so probably every 6-8 weeks (they're scared to travel so far to see us) and would either stay with my sis or in a hotel. I love them all dearly but living with any of them for 2 nights every month would do my head in.