To not want my in laws visiting every month

[bravelittlepenguin]

In laws don't live near us- it's about a 3.5 hours drive. We aren't close to them and we've had a few "run ins" over the years which means it can feel slightly awkward for me when they are around.

We've got two little children, one 20 months and the other a newborn.

They've been to visit the newborn last month. They stayed for three nights but not at our house but we saw them each day. They have now organised to come at the start of December (we couldn't find a November date that worked for us all) and will be staying with us for two nights. I told DH I was assuming this would be their Xmas visit too as we are hosting 12 people for Xmas day and have other family members and friends staying (including Brother in law) before and over Xmas. MIL has now just messages saying "can we also come and stay for a couple of nights perhaps 20th/21st December". I really don't want them to stay or visit twice in a month particularly so close to Xmas and with so many other things going on and two small children.

AIBU?

It’s lovely that they would like to see their grandchildren. Could you suggest that when they visit , could they look after the children so you could get shopping and cleaning done for Christmas?

Seems fair enough just to tell them that those days won't work and suggest something early in the new year. You could maybe offer a Zoom on or around Christmas day so they can see the grandchildren.

I think you need to ask them to book into a hotel for the second date. But I think you should see them.

You are going to have to explicitly tell them though, as they will be wondering if you want them to stay with you or stay in accommodation.

You were a bit silly to tell them to stay with you when they were perfectly happy In a hotel.

You do also just need to get over the past and get on with it- for your own sake

@ThePoisonousMushroom

Did you spend last Christmas with your in laws?

The OP has explained upthread that they were supposed to see her family last year but didn't due to COVID and that they hosted her in laws the year before that.

*So do I have to host them for two days when I'm also hosting 12 people over Xmas just because they want to see the children?

Are they even aware of this? Not their problem if you're hosting a party and haven't told them.

You sound like you don't want to have a relationship with them at all. It's not unreasonable that they might want to see their grandchildren sometimes.

I said upthread I thought the OP was being unreasonable (and still think this).

Parent of toddlers/preschoolers with a similar age gap to the OP.

It is hard for you to have to host them so close to Christmas but perhaps they are trying to build bridges? Could you perhaps meet half way (distance wise) for lunch instead?

You are making a drama out of this OP. Just hand all the arrangements over to your DP - dates and times of visits, what they are going to eat, shopping, making up beds, entertainment. You do not have to do this. Tell you DP you will support him but he needs to 'own' this. I suspect things would change very quickly indeed. They clearly don't want to deal with you and don't like you. I appreciate they are your DH's parents however smiling and nodding is sufficent given how theyve been, let him do the rest.

So mamy mumsnetters moaning when all they have to do is hand over arrangments to the DP/DHs when it's their family. You are all making this a bigger problem than it needs to be!

I don't think you are unreasonable.

I wouldn't want ANYONE visiting once a month every month, to start with. And even if, in a moment of insanity, I had agreed to it, them not being able to make a visit one month doesn't mean doubling up the next month. Especially just before Christmas.

I can understand them wanting to see the kids near Christmas, could the compromise be a single weekend in the middle of December? That way things will feel festive but avoids two whole weekends. If this doesn't work, I would stick with the suggestion of explaining that you will be really busy in the run up to Christmas so could they let you know which ONE weekend they want to do.

We used to visit my in-laws the weekend before Christmas. One year my husband suggested going early December instead. I was really pleased thinking about all the local festive events we could go to that we usually miss out on. Anyway after the visit he decided it was too far away from Christmas so we'd have to go that weekend as well. Never made that mistake again. 🤦🏻‍♀️

I think it depends.

You say it's your family's turn to spend Christmas with you, as the last time you hosted your DH's family.

Did you let your family pop through as well at Christmas, or was it just your DH's family?

If you did, then YABU.
If you didn't, then they already have a December visit planned and you are busy with your family at Christmas, so YANBU. But perhaps a New year's visit?

MIL has now just messages saying "can we also come and stay for a couple of nights perhaps 20th/21st December"

Decide what you do want (not for them to stay with you, not for it to be three days of stuff, whatever) and STATE IT.

"We can't offer to host you then I'm afraid and will be busy in the run up to Christmas but it would be lovely to see you for a shorter visit if that works for you? Would you be able to come and stay overnight nearby for one of those dates so we can see you in the afternoon when you arrive and then next morning before you go? I'm sorry we can't offer any more time but we have so much on in the run up to Christmas. Perhaps we could arrange a two-night visit for February when we will have more time?"

Or whatever works for you.

P.S. We always have the next two visits with my PILs in the diary, which prevents them from trying to arrange more visits as they already know when the next one will be. Would recommend as a management technique.

@caketiger

Aibu to say that I think responsders should declare if they are a mum of young children, grandma, dinky? I feel the answers would vary depending on the circumstances of who asked. (dinky here, you Anbu!)

I think the OP is being unreasonable. I have three young children. Our relatives live abroad so we host a week at a time.

Tiny little ones are endlessly appealing.

As the dc get older the visits will reduce considerably if your inlaws are anything like my parents. Plus my brother and his wife had a baby so the attention diverted onto them instead.

They arent staying with you so thats a plus.

@MoreAloneTime

How would they react if you carried on with your own plans (baby classes and seeing friends) and stopped all the tea making and just said "kettles here, teabags in this cupboard"? Even if it would be really awkward give me 5 days of guests who just fit in over 2 with guests who expect it all to revolve around them. I'd try to change the dynamic as it could make the visits more manageable.

@MoreAloneTime

quite
people have to fit in. period.
we accommodate people above and beyond what is average (to my knowledge) but the trade off is that they have to fend for themselves and be as independent as possible.
Which is why we never call people coming or staying "guests" and don't call having them "hosting"
guests & hosts = high expectations, weird rules, fake politeness from both side.
I don't care for that.
Mi casa es su casa. 100%

@mrsm43s

even if DH does some of the practical work it's always me thinking of meals and activities and managing people visiting and as I'm on maternity leave it will be me who will be in the house with them and having to change my plans (baby classes etc) for them being here

They've come to see you and spend time with your family!
No need to "think of meals", I'm sure they will be happy to fit in with family life and eat whatever you were planning to eat anyway.
No need to "think of activities" - they've come to see you, and their activity is spending time with their son and grandchildren.
No need to "manage people visiting" (I don't even know what that means, but they've literally come to see you and your family doing what you normally do - no "managing" needed)
No need to "change your plans" - they can come with you to e.g. baby classes, or stay at home and babysit your eldest, or they can go and do their own thing whilst you are busy.

I think you are overthinking this. They have come to see you and your family in your home. No need to plan activities or entertain them! Just carry on with your normal life whilst they are there! They might even be happy to help out with some babysitting to give you and DH a break!

This!

I think you've shot yourself in the foot OP by pushing them to come and stay with you. You should have left them to stay nearby as they used to - sounds like that would have worked better for everyone

This. We’re the pils in this situation and we’d much prefer to stay in a hotel but that suggestion was met with horror. We like a bit of space and privacy and I hate staying in other people’s houses. Why on earth didn’t you let them crack on with what they wanted?

Oh god I feel your pain. My father in law lives about four hours away and insists on coming three or four times a year. He stays at ours even though we now live in a down sized two bedroomed house with our adult son. He should stay at my brother in laws house also but he doesn’t like to stay there as his much younger girlfriend has three young boys. Frankly it’s a pain in the ass. He doesn’t actually speak to me unless my husband is there which makes me feel uncomfortable in my own house. Your situation sounds very similar to ours in that my FIL and his awful wife have caused all kinds of trouble over the years.

All I can suggest is you put your foot down. There’s no way they need to come twice so soon. And certainly not at Christmas whilst you’re hosting other people. What would your husband do if you asked him to tell them no.

I really just wanted to send you some empathy. It’s a shit situation. 💐💐

I get that you don’t like the in laws as much but they are your family too. If they book into accommodation for the second visit, at least this gives you a point that they will leave and give you some space.
I have a DS and would hate to think my presence would make any partner of my son feel like I was an in inconvenient chore.
They just want a relationship with them and I don’t think it’s unreasonable.

The last few times they've come they've stayed somewhere else. I've always found it a bit odd because to me if family come to visit then they should generally stay and feel relaxed enough to stay in the house. The last time they were here I told them they were welcome to stay with us instead next time and they awkwardly agreed which is why they are staying with us this next time. What I didn't anticipate is that they would then expect us to host them for a few days every time which seems to be the expectation now

@bravelittlepenguin

Have you tried the shocking and radical idea of actually discussing it with them?

Because from your post I quoted above it sounds totally like crossed wires.

Like they'd prefer to stay elsewhere. You found it odd so encouraged them to stay. It was a bit awkward. They probably don't now want to stay elsewhere or suggest it because they think you would be offended. You don't want to suggest it in case they are offended.

It's all over the place.

I'd go for a chat and suggest maybe the Christmas week they stay somewhere else if they can because of your 12 other guests.

Definitely don't let the Christmas week visit fail though because that would be very sad for both grandchildren and grand parents though.

My guess is an open and relaxed chat will solve this.

I think the key thing here is that your DH will be at work when they visit.

I wouldn't have that - his family - he entertains them. If he's at work, they have to come another time when he can get time off. It's not your job because you are on maternity leave.

I actually think you are being very amenable given you have a newborn.

This is one of those threads where it would be great to hear the husband's side and the In-law's side.

There clearly is a backstory which youve alluded to but , that aside, it would be so sad for grandparents to not be allowed to see their grandchildren at Christmas, or, as in your case, near Christmas.

Do you ever see your parents-In-law AT Christmas?

You mentioned hosting other family members and friends at Christmas, why not your children's father's parents?
Surely grandparents trump friends at Christmas?

@ColinTheKoala

I think the key thing here is that your DH will be at work when they visit.

I wouldn't have that - his family - he entertains them. If he's at work, they have to come another time when he can get time off. It's not your job because you are on maternity leave.

I actually think you are being very amenable given you have a newborn.

I believe the OP is married, therefore they are her family. Also they are blood relations of her children. Yes her husband would, in an ideal world, be off work. However I think unless he has holiday to take, if he takes time off work it may well be unpaid which I s often difficult, especially if OP isn’t working herself at the moment.

Op, so many dils fall into this trap to be the family peace maker and Diplomat and often, trying to forge a relationship that simply doesn't exist between our partners and their parents.

It's not our place, our role and its rarely a good idea unless your dh has specifically said something!!

I speak from bitter experience of course.... I couldn't understand why dh couldn't get on better with his dp, I encouraged him to take his dm out for her bday, do this /that, give this /that.

She still absolutely hates me, fil hates me, they still blame everything on me and dh never wanted me to play this role.

I should have left things as they were and saved myself over a decade of stress.
Re Xmas if you have them twice in December then your well within your rights to say no to a January /February visit.
You know you've totally shot yourself in the foot re inviting them to stay in your house! How silly! They probably preferred not to stay as well!

I also only saw gp for a few hours every so many months a year and that was more than than enough!

These people have upset you and around your wedding, refused to apologise, now you have provided them with gc, many women nowadays don't want dc, having gc isn't a "given" at all.
I hate the way people take it for granted.

They have been rude to you, they are warmer to dh brother... And yet you are the one expected to do the dogs work hosting, of course your allowed to not want too and yet feel happy about hosting people who like you and love you.

I'd sit down with dh and ask him what he really wants and what thinks.
If he's happy to see them much less on the new year, do as he says. You can't force things.

Is the situation:

a) your husband works M-F and the visit is over a weekend but sometimes with an additional night? Meaning your husband is round for most of it, albiet they may arrive and/or leave with just you around?

b) the visit is over the weekend as above, but you're husband works weekend, or they are on weekdays when he works, and you are the host for the vast majority of the visit whilst he is still at work.

@Changemusthappen

You are making a drama out of this OP. Just hand all the arrangements over to your DP - dates and times of visits, what they are going to eat, shopping, making up beds, entertainment. You do not have to do this. Tell you DP you will support him but he needs to 'own' this. I suspect things would change very quickly indeed. They clearly don't want to deal with you and don't like you. I appreciate they are your DH's parents however smiling and nodding is sufficent given how theyve been, let him do the rest.

So mamy mumsnetters moaning when all they have to do is hand over arrangments to the DP/DHs when it's their family. You are all making this a bigger problem than it needs to be!

She’s not making a drama out of anything. She lives in the same house as her husband. She can hardly leave it all to him. It’s fine in theory but in reality I think that would be virtually impossible.