To not want my in laws visiting every month

[bravelittlepenguin]

In laws don't live near us- it's about a 3.5 hours drive. We aren't close to them and we've had a few "run ins" over the years which means it can feel slightly awkward for me when they are around.

We've got two little children, one 20 months and the other a newborn.

They've been to visit the newborn last month. They stayed for three nights but not at our house but we saw them each day. They have now organised to come at the start of December (we couldn't find a November date that worked for us all) and will be staying with us for two nights. I told DH I was assuming this would be their Xmas visit too as we are hosting 12 people for Xmas day and have other family members and friends staying (including Brother in law) before and over Xmas. MIL has now just messages saying "can we also come and stay for a couple of nights perhaps 20th/21st December". I really don't want them to stay or visit twice in a month particularly so close to Xmas and with so many other things going on and two small children.

AIBU?

Of course one's own family is superior - you've grown up with them, share the same old jokes, everyone rubs along for the most part, you understand people's foibles and forgive and forget,. In-laws are alien people with weird ways and traditions. Most dils (and sils) secretly wish their in-laws would take a one-way trip to the Falkland Islands...

But life is not like that. the OP's in-laws sound, well, in-law-y , ie a bit of a pain in the arse, boring and prickly - with offence ready to be taken on both sides.

I think it is mean for the OP to be hosting her own family of 12 for Christmas and then complaining about a trip of the in-laws. I doubt whether they are stupid and they must wonder whether to push to see their ds and gc or whether to accept that they are persona non grata.

I don't get why people comment on threads they haven't read properly. I'm not complaining about them coming to stay having been invited. I'm complaining about them asking to come to stay for a second time 3 weeks after the first visit, 3 days before Xmas.

@DottyHarmer

Of course one's own family is superior - you've grown up with them, share the same old jokes, everyone rubs along for the most part, you understand people's foibles and forgive and forget,. In-laws are alien people with weird ways and traditions. Most dils (and sils) secretly wish their in-laws would take a one-way trip to the Falkland Islands...

But life is not like that. the OP's in-laws sound, well, in-law-y , ie a bit of a pain in the arse, boring and prickly - with offence ready to be taken on both sides.

I think it is mean for the OP to be hosting her own family of 12 for Christmas and then complaining about a trip of the in-laws. I doubt whether they are stupid and they must wonder whether to push to see their ds and gc or whether to accept that they are persona non grata.

Why is it not acceptable for me to host my own family and not my DHs? As with all families we take it in turns.

The 12 is made up of my two sets of parents (divorced) my three brothers, SIL and us. I've also extended the invite to my SILs mother as she would otherwise be on her own. One of my parents has recently been diagnosed with a terminal degenerative condition which means that we will be spending it with both of them for the first time since they got divorced. I simply don't accept that this means I'm
Obliged to host my in laws at the same time or immediately prior to Christmas.

Did you spend last Christmas with your in laws?

Or the one before?

Your complaining that your in laws, your husbands parents, want to see him, you and most importantly their grandchildren twice in a month , next year they may want to stay Christmas Day so think on could be a lot worse for you.
YABU but won’t accept it.

@bravelittlepenguin

I don't get why people comment on threads they haven't read properly. I'm not complaining about them coming to stay having been invited. I'm complaining about them asking to come to stay for a second time 3 weeks after the first visit, 3 days before Xmas.

Complaining about family wanting to see their family at Christmas time just seems bizarre to me though Op. Enjoy it! Go out for lunch, get DH on board with the house, kids will love it it's a happy time.

I think you're being unreasonable. You want to host your family but not your in laws at Xmas. I can totally understand that they want to see their grandchildren, and you and your DH, at Xmas and are asking to come a few days before. If you can host 12 members of your own family you can put them up for a night or ask them to stay somewhere else and visit during the day.

I think you need to take the lead with this if they are son non committal and hard to discuss things with.
You decide when it's convenient for you for them to visit and for how long, invite them for those times only.
All other times they might suggest you are busy.
And if they can't make the date you in offer oh well the next date is such and such.
Stop trying to appease them as you are always going to feel like they are not appeased. You are not responsible for their feelings.

If I were the in-laws, though, I would be uncertain how to play it. Everyone knows the dil is in command, and is the gatekeeper of gc, so they have to tread carefully, not sure whether to accept (grudging) hospitality or to say they're staying in a hotel (and then cause umbrage).

@bravelittlepenguin

I don't get why people comment on threads they haven't read properly. I'm not complaining about them coming to stay having been invited. I'm complaining about them asking to come to stay for a second time 3 weeks after the first visit, 3 days before Xmas.

but why are you complaining about them asking? why can't they ask? they see you first because of your regular arrangement. then there'd be an extra visit for Christmas because it's just too far to combine the two.

and anyway why do you have a fixed period within which they can't come again?
in your head, is your house like a limited-period parking space with a sign "max stay 1 hour, no return within 4 hours"?

You shouldnt have pushed them to stay with you for a start. What were you thinking? If they upset you so much? Let them come, book them into an air bnb close by and let your DH entertain them. If he has to work then he shouldnt have let them invite themselves. (Its not your job to entertain them, let your DH take the children to see them.) As far as Xmas goes the I think you must be a bit mad hosting xmas with a newborn and toddler!!! (But you seem to have martyred yourself somewhat)

It is up to your DH to facilitate what happens with his parents, its not up to you to organise stuff with his DP and it is not your job "to encourage dh to have a relationship with his parents" (thats his job)

Perhaps you could ask them on the second visit to book into accommodation - YANBU to not want to change beds twice in a week as you have other guests coming straight afterwards.

I find it rather interesting that you wknt say what the wedding issue was and merely keep saying it was an argument. Also rather telling that you say you insisted DH take your side which may suggest that perhaps you were maybe in the wrong on whatever this issue was and hence why they have mot apologised on your insistence and said one won't be forthcoming. I suspect that upshot of this is that you are hanging on to some residual resentment which is now clouding your judgment going forward

I am by no means saying that they should be staying every month. Covid has meant this types of trips to see and develop a relationship with their grandchildren was outnon hold to some extent.

I would suggest perhaps do these next 2 visits but then suggest visits every 2 months going forward.

Excuse typos ^

Originally I agreed with you but not based on your updates. I don't see why having 12 people for Xmas dinner which presumably you wanted to do means you can't see your in laws earlier in the week.
Why would they do a 6 hour round trip for one night?
They have offered to stay elsewhere presumably easier to make it easier for you but that's wrong. Why don't you visit them,?
If they have hurt you and your partner doesn't bother to arrange visits then why bother at all?

I would just say those dates don't work for us as DH can't get time off it needs to be a weekend - how about coming NYD?

It's clear you can't facing hosting them on weekdays on your own and then a big Christmas Day a few days later.

Not everyone is super hostess.

@RandomMess

I would just say those dates don't work for us as DH can't get time off it needs to be a weekend - how about coming NYD?

It's clear you can't facing hosting them on weekdays on your own and then a big Christmas Day a few days later.

Not everyone is super hostess.

Not everyone is a super hostess but she is going to be hosting 12 of her own family. I say that is pretty super hosting!! I’m not sure I could even seat 12 let along cook for 12!

How would they react if you carried on with your own plans (baby classes and seeing friends) and stopped all the tea making and just said "kettles here, teabags in this cupboard"? Even if it would be really awkward give me 5 days of guests who just fit in over 2 with guests who expect it all to revolve around them. I'd try to change the dynamic as it could make the visits more manageable.

I’m with you OP. My in laws (2 sets due to divorce) want to visit once a month for 2 nights. I’m not keen on either set if I’m honest but for a long time just got on with for the sake of the children and then persuaded them to get Airbnb or similar.
I’ve separated from H now so I don’t have to endure it any longer!
I know how awful it can be and don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all, especially with a newborn!

YANBU to not want to change beds twice in a week as you have other guests coming straight afterwards.

Not sure why anyone would need to change the beds twice - there would be no reason to change the beds between the first and 2nd visits of the in-laws. So on its own that isn't an issue.
The inlaws aren't really asking to come twice a month, it is just, as OP has said, that due to trying to co-ordinate their diaries, the Nov visit has been pushed over into the first week of Dec

In truth, OP, if you had just asked about not being expected to host them when you have 2 such young dc, you'd have got a lot more sympathy. A lot of people find hosting, cooking, etc stressful, even before you throw two tiny children into the mix.
However, you are volunteering to host 12 people - including one who isn't even related - then clearly that puts a different light on it. This makes it much more about you not wanting your in-laws there rather than not having the energy to host.

Once a month isn’t unreasonable to see them but why does it always have to be at yours? Can you suggest going to stay with them?

Aibu to say that I think responsders should declare if they are a mum of young children, grandma, dinky? I feel the answers would vary depending on the circumstances of who asked.
(dinky here, you Anbu!)

If its not convienent for you, have a back bone and just say that!

Make the early December date your early christmas.

Anyone who has to see people Christmas week, rather than in simply December when they live 3.5hrs away and you are already seeing them in December is frankly being demanding if one party is saying this isn't really going to work for me.

Yes its your family, yes you want to celebrate christmas with them. No you don't have to do it on certain days and no you don't have to do something thats really not convenient for you. If they don't understand that then they don't respect you and that alone is a reason not to bend over backwards for them.

I really do wish that people stopped being so polite when actually all its doing is fuelling resentment and annoyance. Family should be people you are most able to compromise or say no this isn't going to work for us. If they aren't they are toxic.

Its perfectly reasonable to stick to once a month - including December.

@caketiger parent of young children, still think op is being unreasonable and sounds a little difficult to be honest. I'd not know what to do to please her based on the posts here, sometimes that's a problem with being online though, words can come across differently in real life.