To not want my in laws visiting every month

[bravelittlepenguin]

In laws don't live near us- it's about a 3.5 hours drive. We aren't close to them and we've had a few "run ins" over the years which means it can feel slightly awkward for me when they are around.

We've got two little children, one 20 months and the other a newborn.

They've been to visit the newborn last month. They stayed for three nights but not at our house but we saw them each day. They have now organised to come at the start of December (we couldn't find a November date that worked for us all) and will be staying with us for two nights. I told DH I was assuming this would be their Xmas visit too as we are hosting 12 people for Xmas day and have other family members and friends staying (including Brother in law) before and over Xmas. MIL has now just messages saying "can we also come and stay for a couple of nights perhaps 20th/21st December". I really don't want them to stay or visit twice in a month particularly so close to Xmas and with so many other things going on and two small children.

AIBU?

@Bushkin LOL, gladly! P.S I often had (too much) wine in the company of my MIL (but less than her DS). She once sniffed "i think you've had enough!" The wine gave me the courage to reply "Who moved? I've not even started!"

@Summerfun54321

Also agree with others, why the hell are you hosting Xmas with 2 young kids are you crazy?!

why is it crazy just because it's different from what you would do? we had 67 people in our house for lunch and afternoon cake & tea after DC7's baptism when he was just 5 weeks old. we didn't know exact numbers until 3 days before - didn't matter at all.

DH was in charge of everything from shopping to cooking, from tidying to getting kids' clothes ready for church.
he sorted it all of it & organised help from family & friends. It's how we roll, when others have a big party we chip in too.
I didn't lift a finger, I just had to get DC7 & myself ready on time for the service.

It was an absolute brilliant day.
Unusual? maybe
Crazy? how dare you
Everyone remembers very fondly of it including DH, he had plenty of time to chat & enjoy it!

@ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba husband did all the cooking for 67 at DC7's christening. Is that you Jools Oliver?

[quote S0upertrooper]@ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba husband did all the cooking for 67 at DC7's christening. Is that you Jools Oliver?[/quote]
@S0upertrooper

🤣🤣no thanks

also I didn't say he did all the cooking.
I said he was in charge of it. ie he organised it all (he did do a reasonable amount and others helped out)

do the Olivers have 7 kids now? I thought they had 4

YANBU to not feel prepared to host them at home the weekend before Christmas. It's not that complicated- respond to them (or get DH to) saying 'would be lovely to have you and of course you must stay with us but that weekend won't work. How about instead?

I think you're getting a hard time OP. Tell DH to cancel the early December visit - he can either be honest and tell them that it's too much for you all with two small babies to have that many visits over December or he can apologise and tell them something else has come up. I think you will either have to suck the later visit up or suggest something else that works better for you - eg they come the weekend before Christmas so DH is around to entertain without needing time off or they just stay one night. I think YWBU to tell them the early December date is their Christmas visit & they can't see DH or their DGS again until Jan/Feb - that just wouldn't be a "Christmas visit" as it's really not close enough to Christmas to count.

I completely agree that staying with you for a long weekend every month is far too much. Your DH needs to establish boundaries here & tell them that every other month will work for your family. Maybe he could do lots of video calls with them between visits. As the children get older & you stop BF, he can also take them for visits to his DPs on his own.

[quote Changemusthappen]@Goawaymorningsickeness - really? Most men seem to be able to leave it all to their wives/partners. The mistake these people make is they do it because everyone expects the woman to sort all this stuff. If women started off their partnerships on an equal footing as regards this it would really smooth family relationships. I havent suggested she doesn't do anything, I've suggested to lets him take the lead and manages it. Let him do all the organising and planning - why not?[/quote]
My husband always sorts everything for when his dad is here. He always has, from bedding, meal planning and sorting out things to keep his dad busy. It's still an imposition having someone come and stay more often than I would like. It's not possible for me to disengage as that would be really rude. Families can be such a minefield.

In the words of Noddy Holder, "It's Chriiiiiiistmaaaas !!"

I'd suck up the visit on the 21st and, like others have said, don't do a big hosting job but just let the gp entertain the dcs - keeping the toddler occupied and cuddling the baby.

AFTER Christmas, in 2022, then things can be reassessed and renegotiated, then try to cut down on the visits or at least encourage them into a hotel. In fact it seems they don't need to be encouraged, it would be more comfortable for them to be in their own space.

But a blanket ban when your own "fun" family is converging on you for Christmas is mean spirited. I'm sure you know this, OP, as otherwise you wouldn't have been posting about it on MN.

Plus as a pp pointed out, baby groups always stop for the holidays, ie by the end of school term. They don't want people bringing boisterous, germy schoolkids to baby groups! I know the ones I went to had an absolutely no 5+ rule, as people tried to bring ill older dcs who were off school with them

My in laws live a similar distance away, we love them and there have never been any issues. I still wouldn't want them to stay every month! Getting the house ready, entertaining, cooking etc is quite time consuming, if I had to do it every month I'd get resentful about their visits rather than excited. They rarely invite themselves but we invite them a few times a year and go there quite a bit too. I don't think YABU!

@ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba you can fit 67 people in your house?!

If nothing else, you do not have to organise their time when with you.
You say look, I am doing xyz over your visit,
So you have your car, keep yourselves busy, help yourself to breakfast etc.
I'll leave you to it.
Then if theyre around at lunch time, say I'm making myself a sandwich, help yourselves.
DH can do dinner unless they want to

I still can't help thinking this is a problem of your own making. They stayed in a hotel so their presence wasn't overwhelming or too much of a burden to you, but no they had to stay in your home otherwise it wasn't "right".

Now it seems that visits are only welcome at specified intervals, which is absolutely fine, but would have been a lot easier for everyone if they had kept with the hotel option.

[quote Amberflames]@ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba you can fit 67 people in your house?![/quote]
indoors & outdoors combined, yes
we have a massive party tent plus gazebos for the garden so we don't have to worry about rain.

we had over 80 people for PILs gold anniversary.
when we the watched prerecorded messages we had everyone inside, some sitting on furniture, some standing, kids mainly sitting on the floor - we have an open plan kitchen, dining room & living room so it was no problem adding extra chairs.

@montysma1

I hope who ever your children grow up and have children with are just as mean spirited as you and don't want you to visit.

Such nasty comments on here. Some of you seem to have missed the fact that the OP has two children under 2.

I think a long weekend every month is unreasonable when you have such small children.

The last time they were here I told them they were welcome to stay with us instead next time and they awkwardly agreed which is why they are staying with us this next time.

So what you meant was 'You're welcome to stay with us next time. But not the time after that. Or maybe the one after that. But maybe. Look, I'll decide each time, alright? Don't take me for granted. I'll post you the forms."

I think you’re being totally reasonable. For all of those saying you’re being unreasonable, they obviously do not have to deal with difficult in-laws. I have this problem too. My mother in law is very toxic (which my husband agrees with). Every time I see her, I have terrible anxiety and hate being in her company and her mine. I put a brave face on once a month so she can see our kids but I couldn’t possibly see her any more then this. It’s your life and your choice. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

Going forward would it be better to see them every six weeks? They come to you overnight/2 nights and then you go to them overnight/2 nights. So they only 'impose' once every three months. Either party can stay at a hotel etc if it's easier. Each visit has your dh taking charge. If hosting then he does the arranging and gruntwork and more importantly is there. Eg a weekend.

Since your DH cannot take the time off, that’s your get out. ‘Sorry mum, I’ve used up all my holiday until the new year, and @bravelittlepenguin has got some stuff booked up with the kids that week already, so we won’t be free’.

Can you go to them after Xmas (to a hotel, if you’d prefer) and do a mix of seeing them and having time away from them at National Trust houses/beach walks or whatever floats your boat?

Haven't read the whole thread. I don't think you're being unreasonable. You seem to be seeing them a lot. I think visitors every month is a lot when you've tiny children and bound to be tired etc unless it's an arrangement that you both enjoy and you and your dp can get a bit of a break or whatever. Can't you just do what someone else suggested and say I can't do both dates so close together but happy to do whichever of those you prefer?

YANBU in my opinion, OP, and I'm incredibly surprised by the responses!

No way would I want to spent one in four weekends with the same visitors, be they in-laws, my family or friends.

What on earth is wrong with wanting time and space for your own little family, to rest up, catch up on jobs, make your own commitments and be spontaneous?! Christmas is always a busy time of year as it is so no way would I feel obligated to spend two December weekends with my in-laws. We used to see my grandparents around four times a year when we lived a similar distance away - two visits to them and two visits to us. My parents are much closer than that to us and we still don't see them once a month, even just for a day trip. Even if you were on perfect terms, it feels like too much to me.

@bravelittlepenguin
The issue is that they are very passive aggressive and are never honest about how they feel or what they want to do which is totally exhausting. Eg "would you like to come for dinner" "oh no no we don't want to impose you have your dinner on your own" "well we've cooked for you already and have plenty in" "no no you have your time on your own". Sub text is they don't want to have dinner with us but for some reason won't say it.

If I was you, OP, I would start to move to seeing them more like every 6 weeks, rather than every 4.

That said, I don't think them coming to see you closer to Christmas is unreasonable at all. If you don't want to see them twice in December, then I suggest you cancel the earlier date. However, it sounds like they are being perfectly reasonable when they are arranging to visit - finding dates that suit you as well as them, not assuming they can stay, making the travel efforts themselves, not even expecting you to feed them. You, however, seem cross that they want to visit, cross that they won't stay with you, cross that they will stay with you, cross that you have to do all the hosting, cross that they don't expect you to host them for dinner, etc, etc. I wonder what on earth they could possibly do that wouldn't make you feel annoyed!

Also, I think it's worth saying that the only passive-aggressive person in the above scenario is the person who asked someone if they'd like to come to dinner and when they politely declined said "well we've cooked for you already". That is true passive aggressive behaviour - giving someone what appears on the face of it to be a free choice (would you like to stay for dinner?) and then trying them feel bad when they don't make the unspoken but pre-determined 'correct' choice. If that was you, and it sounds like it was, then I'm afraid you are the PA person in this relationship.

You've made it quite clear that you don't really like your in-laws, and I'm sure that they are unreasonable in some of their behaviour, but it really does sound like it's six of one and half a dozen of the other.

So here are your options:

1. Don't see them
2. Meet half way and have a nice lunch somewhere
3. Let them stay for 2 nights max*.

*If you go for option 3, make sure PILs bring at least 2 meals ready prepared and bring their own towels. This is what I do with my parents - they live 4 hours away and know what a faff it is having guests when you have young children.

Ongoing - move the frequency of visits to every 6 weeks.

I think it might depend on how you were parented yourself, and whether you see relationships with family as a duty or a choice dependent on whether you actually like them/are they good to have around. For me, I have many friends who are closer, nicer and more reliable than relatives any day so why would I waste precious life and energy accommodating those guys each month? If they want to come, have them and your man look after the babes and you go and have a good time with your mates.

I’ve never understood why it’s on women to lead on the relationship with the in-laws, it’s up to your husband to sort out, and if they want to come and be helpful when you’re under loads of pressure then great but if it makes work for you then balls to that!

If mine came once a month I just wouldn’t be here I’d be pumping milk and use it as a chance to have a break - I feel for you please don’t take all that on xx

I think it might depend on how you were parented yourself, and whether you see relationships with family as a duty or a choice dependent on whether you actually like them/are they good to have around.

Quite. Which means, OP, that all the advice you'll get here is actually a reflection of how each poster feels about their own extended family. So it's no help at all really.