To not want my in laws visiting every month

[bravelittlepenguin]

In laws don't live near us- it's about a 3.5 hours drive. We aren't close to them and we've had a few "run ins" over the years which means it can feel slightly awkward for me when they are around.

We've got two little children, one 20 months and the other a newborn.

They've been to visit the newborn last month. They stayed for three nights but not at our house but we saw them each day. They have now organised to come at the start of December (we couldn't find a November date that worked for us all) and will be staying with us for two nights. I told DH I was assuming this would be their Xmas visit too as we are hosting 12 people for Xmas day and have other family members and friends staying (including Brother in law) before and over Xmas. MIL has now just messages saying "can we also come and stay for a couple of nights perhaps 20th/21st December". I really don't want them to stay or visit twice in a month particularly so close to Xmas and with so many other things going on and two small children.

AIBU?

You sound like your not a fan of your inlaws, you said yourself your family are fun and can fall out and move on. Which is kind of normal in your own family set ups. So your DH will feel the same with his own family which is normal. You sound like a difficult DIL. all about your own family and no give for your DH. And he is a typical bloke that as long as he isnt seen to be the bad guy floats along being non committal as its all your choices. so his parents will see you as the issue

There’s a huge difference between seeing them and having them stay with you - and that would be the issue for me

Ohhhh ive been here.
So i agree hosting people in your home when you have a busy life and work and have young dcs is full on. Monthly seems
Excessive. That is if they class themselves as 'guests'.

I learnt to live with it by thinking they have
Come to see the gc and they have come to 'help' or at least be partners. They are not 'guests'. So i stopped prepping elaborate meals and catering to everyones tastes. First night take away alternating who pays. One night we cooked and one night they cooked. Stopped organising days out. But might suggest them taking the older dc out to the park for quality time etc. If any of us had anything on-a party, lunch date, work event,
Friends night out-we still went. We didnt come up on our normal life when they came to visit we Viewed the visit as enhancing normal Life. If i needed to do errands or diy they would watch dc maybe whilst i
Did it or tag along and help. Basically i stopped standing on ceremony and do you know what i think we were all
More relaxed and happier and less
On edge and tense. We still spent a lot of quality time together. And we enjoyed visiting them too. And would have some days together whilst there and some times apart. They quickly got other grandchildren and focussed less on us.

When you are all together from dusk till dawn and as an introvert i found it really taxing!

My in-laws are great, I love visiting them and having them to stay. However, a 2 day visit, 3 days before Christmas, amidst all the associated prep of hosting a further 12 people on Christmas Day plus a toddler and young baby to care for? Absolute nightmare and no way would I do it - and my PIL wouldn't ask either. YANBU OP.

Some of you are definitely on the wind-up.

I agree it sounds like a lot of visits, but in their defence they did ask if they could come down 20/21st December, they didn't present it as a done deal.
I therefore think it's perfectly acceptable to go back and say that whilst it would be lovely to see them, you're going to be very busy getting the house ready for Christmas, so could they either stay at an Airbnb, or if they came for NYE ( or whatever date suits) then you could have more time to spend with them. I feel a bit sorry for them tbh - sounds like they just want to see their GC around Christmas and it's you who has set up this awkward dynamic where they have to stay with you.

So do I have to host them for two days when I'm also hosting 12 people over Xmas just because they want to see the children?

I can’t get past this. You sound horrible. Heaven forbid grandparents wanting to see their grandkids over Christmas.

I can’t get past this. You sound horrible. Heaven forbid grandparents wanting to see their grandkids over Christmas.

The grandparents who saw their grandkids 2 weeks earlier?? Lots of MILs and martyrs on this thread. OP YANBU. Stick to your guns, or if you think your DH will step up put it all on him.

I feel sorry for them, though I understand that you are going to be busy.

I feel it's a shame you're not thinking of prioritising them over Christmas - after all, they are very close relatives, and their grandchildren are at an interesting stage of development and changing quickly.

It's an odd one, since many people would be doing things on.the quiet, with such a young family, and just snuggling down with grandparents. Yes, unfortunate that you're so busy, but it is fully understandable that they want to make some lovely festive memories.

Their help might be useful in future, so I would keep them close.

I've always found it a bit odd because to me if family come to visit then they should generally stay and feel relaxed enough to stay in the house. The last time they were here I told them they were welcome to stay with us instead next time and they awkwardly agreed which is why they are staying with us this next time.

They stayed elsewhere, you didn’t like that so invited them to stay, but you don’t like that either. They can’t win can they?

Whatever they did to hurt you, you need to have DH sort it out, then get over it. Family who are prepared to travel 7 hours round trip once a month are pretty reasonable if you aren’t making a regular return trip. We do that trip every month to see my parents and sister for a weekend. I let it slip a bit before Covid and all of a sudden it was 18 months since I’d seen them because of restrictions. I’ll be making the monthly trip from now on, but my parents/sister will do it from time to time too. MIL is slightly closer but she is visited monthly too, we can do that in a day and is invited regularly too.

It’s the price of living far away from family. One thing Covid taught me is not to take the visits for granted.

I hope who ever your children grow up and have children with are just as mean spirited as you and don't want you to visit.

It can feel claustrophobic when in-laws want to visit too often for your liking etc but it might help to see it from their point of view. Possibly they just want as much of the grandchildren as is possible because they know that they will change before you know it,soon turning into teenagers, and however lovely they are, it won’t be the same as these years and they won’t get the joy of being grandparents to tiny kids for very long. I have regret about how grudging i felt at times towards older relatives staying over while I was working or whatever, now that I see that lovely stage is over for them, or they are no longer here. You only realise this once you see your kids zoom through primary school I think. It won’t be something they will want to do permanently. Great advice above about not treating them like visitors. Could you have a cinema trip or sth while they stay?

I think once a month for a couple of hours is one thing. Once a month for a couple of days is a much bigger commitment- especially if you find them difficult to get on with.

I find it difficult when our in-laws come to stay with us for 2 weeks once a year and I get on really well with them. I’d find it much harder if it were once a month for a couple of days.

@montysma1

I hope who ever your children grow up and have children with are just as mean spirited as you and don't want you to visit.

You may not agree with OP’s point of view but comments like this are out of order and mean.

Around Christmastime, YABU. If it really inconveniences you, ask them to stay at a hotel again.
Why (on earth) are you hosting 12 others at Christmas?

This is why I have a small house. I would HATE to have a guest bedroom where people felt they could stay for 3 days at a time. We have a very uncomfortable fold out bed for the lounge and no one wants to ever stay more than 1 night . OP it’s your family home not a hotel.

Also agree with others, why the hell are you hosting Xmas with 2 young kids are you crazy?!

OP, you told them you wanted them to stay so they did. They sound like they’re just trying to accommodate what you asked. Just tell them you’d love them to stay again in future but so close to Christmas it’s be great if they could stay in a hotel. You’re being pretty unreasonable with the once a month is too often. It’s not unreasonable to say you can’t always host them or to tell you DH you’re having the middle day off and he needs to plan something with the kids and his parents. I get that you’re BF right now but you won’t be forever & if baby takes a bottle, just do that and have DH take DC out for a few hours. They are his kids too and nothing you’ve said makes his parents sound anything more than mildly annoying and honestly just make you sound like hard work. It’s not going to kill you or the kids to occasionally be apart.

We literally see my parents 2-3 times a week. DH's family is abroad but I’d definitely expect to see the once a week and certainly expect to host/visit them monthly if they were as far away as your in laws.

Yabu. Especially since you and your husband are hosting your whole family and your DH family isn’t getting a look in at Christmas.

It’s Christmas. Just think how you’d feel in their shoes.

Yabu. It's a few nights twice in December. Have they expressly stated they'd like to come to you monthly? Give them Christmas, then suggest a weekend mid-February. Then early April. Easy enough to push it to a stay every two months.

Go to your baby groups. (They'll likely have finished for Christmas by the second weekend.) Ask your in-laws to bring a freezer meal. Don't over think the visit and ask them for help and to fit in with you. And appreciate that they want to, and have the health to see you all.

Tell them no, right before Christmas is crazy if they’ve been 3 weeks before. I would be telling my DH to take the dc for a weekend, it’ll relieve the pressure on you.

I think a lot of people have missed that the reason the OP is hosting this year, and it's a big group is because she has a terminally ill parent, for which i am very sorry OP

No one could begrudge her seeing her family under those circumstances. Depending on how ill her parents is though (to be blunt, whether it's likely to be their last Christmas or last till the next one), the OP and her husband may need to rely on her in laws good will next year, as she may not be up for it being his families turn then either.

Which again, I wouldn't blame her for, but that would make 3 in a row, so I'd suggest they still need some prioritising, but spending a decent chunk of time with them over the Christmas period.

Btw, OP, i know you moved - as your family are visiting for the day, did you move nearer them? If so did that mean you also moved away from your in laws?

It's unreasonable to stay at your house every time, but once a month is not unreasonable. Your children will only be young for a very little while & you could take advantage of the help to have a break yourself and get our for a bit leaving them babysitting, if possible.

Yanbu, i wouldn't want them under my feet either. Are they retired (and have lost sight of what busy family life is?).

If I was travelling 3.5 hours then Id want to stay a few days. Ask them with Dec visit if they would mind staying in a hotel. As for babygroups, most are not suited to a toddler so perhaps they could mind toddler while you go to baby groups?