To ask how perimenopause/menopause has changed/is changing you emotionally

[Kitchendisco21]

This might be a difficult one to pin down but I really feel like perimenopause is like going through puberty backwards- it’s incredibly challenging and I find myself questioning everything in my life- people, jobs, my relationship with DP, what I really want, who I really am. It feels quite shocking at times.

Aibu to ask how perimenopause/ menopause is changing you?

It's made me quite angry and short tempered a lot of the time, and thre is an overwhelming feel of anxiety and dread (shortly before the hot flash comes) which isn't fun. It's like PMS all the time.

But the upside of it all is that i am literally over giving a fuck about a lot of things that used to annoy me, because i've either started ignoring them (if possible) or telling people that what they are doing isn't acceptable. Then depending on their reaction you can ignore them too.

@Naaaaah

Lots of the above but I also feel very differently about sex. Flirting and being sexy feels ridiculous and I just can't be arsed with sex.

Yes, this is me, absolutely! I was never a touchy-feely type but I can't bear anyone except for DCs touching me at all now (they're still little).

Angry. Intolerant. Ended my marriage. Disciplined at work for speaking my mind rather too bluntly and irreversibly damaged my career. Basically stopped being a doormat but there are consequences to such huge changes in character and in hindsight, HRT could have saved my relationship and career.

Yes I had the whole question everything type thoughts. I think I've come out a hugely better person because of it.
I realised that my DH isn't just the useless idiot I used to think he was - I realised I married him because he was kind and gentle and wouldn't hurt me physically unlike his predecessor and our relationship has improved immensely as a result. That happiness has rippled out, we're happy so the kids are happy kind of thing.
Sadly I also realised by all the self questioning/analysis that I hadn't had a great childhood/upbringing, my mother was very controlling and abusive and that was my normal. My dad was away a lot working so there wasn't a moderating voice around much of the time. My brother was the golden child. I'd always ended up doing as I was told because it was easier that way. Where to live, what to wear, who to be friends with, who I could have round. Independent thoughts that disagreed with her stance were not tolerated. Forums such as this are great for modelling what constitutes a normal parent child relationship and I realised mine was a very long way from that.

Thankfully this happened just in time for me to realise I needed to stop the same thing happening with my DD, so I got into the habit of thinking what would mum have done when my DD were kicking off and doing the exact opposite which has worked a treat.

I think it's been very helpful overall although I wish I could have had this clarity 20 years earlier, I might have made better choices ...

I feel as if someone's holding a huge 'thought magnet' behind my head and dragging out every single idea, insight, argument, and useful word, thereby preventing me from linking anything into a logical sequence. Which is a problem because my job requires me to come up with, then express, logical sequences. The thought magnet also has a Motivation function, which drains off any forward momentum as I try to force my brain into action as brutally as I can. It's fucking wearing.

Also: panicky moments in Tesco; obsession with house plants and dog v relative lack of interest in humans; doughnut stomach; achey joints.

I started HRT 2 months ago and I think it's slowly having an effect. Slowly.

I went through menopause early and had no idea about peri-menopause or the likely symptoms. During what I now realise was my peri phase, I became very forgetful, often struggled to remember common words, struggled to get motivated, doubted myself and my abilities constantly and really couldn't be bothered with social niceties/pretending to be interested in people in the office. This, combined with working in a very stressful male dominated, slightly toxic environment, was incredibly stressful. I think the work environment was causing me stress, so it was not just peri but the two together were a nightmare.

Prior to menopause, I was actually desperate to have another baby (even though this would not have been very practical with 2 teenagers already)- I suspect this was a final rush of hormones. Now, post menopause, although I am happy for younger friends with babies and don't mind babysitting etc, I don't feel the broody feelings I experienced before.

Several years post menopause I am enjoying not having periods/period cramps etc. I've also realised how incredibly important other people's opinions of what I say/do/wear etc have been to me in the past and I'm finding it liberating to give far fewer shits. The other evening I walked out of a meeting after a group of men ignored the stated (and urgent) purpose of the meeting, talked over me and other women and mansplained at length why the minor issue that was bothering them needed to be discussed first. I gave them fair warning that I would not be staying if they continued. I did not excuse myself or apologise, I just said 'I came to sort out X as we all agreed. You are refusing to discuss X and continue to talk over me. I am now leaving and my reasons must be entered on the official minutes. X must be sorted out by [date] or Y will happen.' In the past I would have quietly seethed, tried to coax the men in to discussing X, stayed around for hours hoping they'd get round to it then probably agreed to go away and do it myself.

I am so glad of this thread.

I'm 44 and according to recent blood tests all is ok but I am certain in peri menopausal. I've just stopped taking the mini pill because of spending most of my adult life on hormonal contraception. While on the pill I had no periods but since stopping my cycles are bang on 28 days still but much lighter and shorter.

I've stopped being a doormat, sick of other peoples shit, I definitely feel done with being responsible for everyone else's crap to sort out, the nurture in me has gone - it feels like I need time for me now.
Anxiety is an issue for me anyway but it's definitely increased over the last year or two, my moods are up and down like a yo-yo. Libido is the same maybe slightly higher, but I have a partner whose libido is almost zero so that makes me feel fat, unattractive and gives me the rage!! Weight gain is not funny I've been a size 8 all my life, turned 40 and slowly I've gained weight and I'm a 12-14 now - which gives me major confidence issues.

I don't know what to do and how to help myself

Yes to the anxiety and weight gain. I'm 46 in 3 weeks and my body changed at 45.

Bur one thing that has definitely helped the last 6 months is taking a magnesium citrate supplement.
My anxiety has reduced by half and I'm sleeping much better. I can't recommend it enough.

I spoke to my GP and he told me the erratic hormones are exactly like those before you get your first period.
He wouldn't prescribe HRT though as said I'm still too young

Im in peri. I became very emotionally unstable, lots of self doubt, brain fog. I have far less tolerance of stupidity or ignorance and have become even more blunt and outspoken than i was before. HRT is a godsend for me, i dread to think what life would be like if i was still trying to soldier on without it.

Thanks for the magnesium suggestion @noavocado.

Any other suggestions for navigating the physical and emotional symptoms of Peri/Meno - supplements/foods/books/things to do etc.?

I feel like I am experiencing this fairly early but now I've realised that brain mush, anxiety, having no fucks to give and not being as nurturing and sexual as I used to be aren't me going mad and being a bad person, I want to help myself through it and embrace it, if you will.

The thing that upsets me the most is the fact that my brain does not function like it used to. I can't string a sentence together, especially if anyone I respect is listening. I say random words, stutter and it's like my brain takes a ridiculous amount of time to think around a subject and analyse anything. And I cannot make decisions or retain any information any more, I get to the shop and I'm digging around in my brain to remember what I really needed. If it weren't for the other corresponding symptoms, I'd seriously be looking into early-onset dementia.

I think some of this may be down to habits, screens/social media etc. so I'm doing an experiment starting from today to try and work on my own mind a bit. I'm going to cut down social media and device usage outside of work hours, take regular screen breaks during work hours, do daily meditation, reading and rigidly protect my hours of sleep. Hopefully I'll reap some benefits, however small.

@wanttomarryamillionaire

Do you feel HRT has turned you back into your "old self"? Has it helped with the mental clarity and function?

@MrsPatmoresPinny yes definitely. It took a few months to work properly ( i have the mirena and patches) but i most definitely feel more like my old self. I lost my career due to the menopause i just couldn't cope with the physical and mental demands of it and I don't think this would have happened if i had recognised what was happening and gone on HRT earlier.

@Justcannotbearsed

I had a lot of depression, anger and anxiety. Like permanent appalling PMT. HRT really helped. Back to more myself.

I have also have a lot less sympathy with people and am much more willing to just say ‘no’ to stuff.

Oh yes the rage! Impatience! Feeling like o have just wafted through life and incredibly jealous of people who haves ‘done something’. Plus no patience for friends with big houses, big families, financially very secure, never worked and who complain about life being so hard...

I’m an absolute delight to be around!

I have found my people. Thank you for starting this thread.

I'm 47, probably been peri for a couple of years. Had my dd late, followed by a few unsuccessful pregnancies as my ovaries fired out my last few rubbish eggs. Struggling to be engaged and nurturing, just want to talk to my house plants and the cat. Was a shock to go from the new mum/toddler stage straight into this. Feel very angry and negative about world, Covid really sapped any remaining joy out of life.

Aching joints, brain fog, rage, fatigue, hair loss, bladder urgency. Would happily never have sex again. Just been prescribed HRT, hoping it sorts some of the above out.

I'm 52 and had my last period at 47. Apart from the occasional hot flush and getting pre menstrual symptoms regularly as I did before but no period during the time I was having periods every 2 or 3 months, I didn't get any symptoms.
My body is starting to look post menopausal and I am conscious that I am not young any more but I don't feel any different. I have a severely disabled teenager who needs the same care he did 10 years ago so my life itself has not changed much apart from having to start planning for when he is an adult.

The biggest change has been the loss or aging of our parents generation over the last few years. That has what has most made me feel old.

I've been in peri/menopause and yes it's been very challenging especially as dealing with friendships and relationships with men at the same time.

I think my main thing is putting up with less shit from people - maybe losing patience with them too much. I do/did have depression/anxiety/anger but funnily enough this has eased off in past month or so - lack of motivation can be a pain but doesn't help if you're WFH.

I don't really want to go down HRT route but do take menopause supplements which seem to be helping.

Sleep taking a hammering recently so trying the magnesium supplement.

There needs to be more talk and understanding around this generally not only with women but also with men. Lots of men have no idea and will shrug/avoid etc menopause talks but it's easier when they're not going through it!

Horrendous. Just like puberty or permanent PMT, non stop urges to cry. Noticed my resting heart beat has gone up too from 63 to 71, I put it down to the continuous anxiety or the Progesterone. And then there's the depression...

@wanttomarryamillionaire I'm 40 (started experiencing changes at 35) and have been told by the GP that I'm too young for menopause to even be considered, let alone HRT.

Just so anxious.
And all the other physical symptoms on the list - nobody warns you about dry eyes ffs.

I started hrt patches recently and that seems to have helped with the anxiety. It was really awful for years.

Mrs patmore - I'm 40.
Just bring in/read out the Nice guidelines.
My gp thought it was more urgent because of my age - bone density etc.

I am very unsettled. I’ve planned my divorce and even spoken to a solicitor. But I don’t want to go on HRT if it’s my relationship at fault, not my hormones.
Reading this with interest.

@supercritter

Irritability. Less empathy or wanting to do things for family members. Can see why in evolutionary terms in sense of detaching from your kids but can make you feel like you're not a very nice person

I understand this .

I only have a few weeks experience of hrt and while it has given me a bit of energy and less anxiety, it has not increased my ability to tolerate fools gladly.

I’m 48. Having sleep disturbances and feel tearful at times, but the brain fog is the worst, completely forgetting words mid sentence, forgetting how to spell . My job involves a lot of writing and I feel like I’ve regressed. Overall it’s a general feeling of can’t be arsed (though that could be covid too).