Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU engagement proposal

133 replies

Ale24 · 01/11/2021 00:22

AIBU
Please help
I should feel happy but I feel so terrible
My parent of over 5 years proposed to me today, it was awkward and it really felt like he didn’t mean it
He proposed to me with the ring he gave me as my 40th birthday present saying that it is a engagement ring and there is no need to buy new one. I thought it was joke, but it isn’t.
Btw he does have enough money to buy ring.
I feel so worthless and embarrassed 😞
He also didn’t told his friend or family that we engaged.
It’s all feels and looks sad and fake and now I am crying all night
Please tell me if I am wrong 😑

OP posts:
Spartak · 01/11/2021 00:24

Did you say yes? Do you want to marry him?

Hankunamatata · 01/11/2021 00:28

@Spartak

Did you say yes? Do you want to marry him?
This
Anordinarymum · 01/11/2021 00:28

Do you live together OP? Why did he propose now?

Hankunamatata · 01/11/2021 00:29

Ws it a 40th present and an engagement ring?

Tbh if your crying over being proposed to you either dont want to get married or built the proposal scenario up way to much in your head.

WorraLiberty · 01/11/2021 00:29

Does he want to get married or is it something you want more than him?

Have you already had kids?

samesign · 01/11/2021 00:30

You're not wrong, tell him you want to have a new ring.

BritWifeInUSA · 01/11/2021 01:50

Are you crying because you don’t feel ready for marriage and this has overwhelmed you or are you crying because the proposal wasn’t the big romantic gesture that you dreamed of?

I’m on my second marriage. The first marriage there was no proposal. It was just a mutual decision we reached one day. My current husband proposed but with no ring. We are no less married because I didn’t have a ring. What matters is the sentiment.

icklekid · 01/11/2021 02:04

Do you “ feel so worthless and embarrassed” just because you haven’t got a new ring or is it the way he proposed or just because you don’t want to get married?

Aquamarine1029 · 01/11/2021 02:06

He is clearly not the man for you. Bin him off and move on.

LemonSwan · 01/11/2021 02:14

I was prepared to come on here and say YABU, but if he has gone to your jewellery drawer and taken out a previously gifted ring to propose with then YANBU.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 01/11/2021 02:33

Did it feel disingenuous because of the ring or was it his words?

What led up to the proposal? Not sure why he would bother if he didn't mean it.

FlowerArranger · 01/11/2021 02:44

I should feel happy but I feel so terrible.... It’s all feels and looks sad and fake and now I am crying all night. Please tell me if I am wrong

Well, clearly things aren't right, but it's difficult to ascertain what's wrong without more information. Can you tell us what's actually going on? If I'm reading your post correctly, you have a 5 y.o. child with a man who has been stringing you along and has only now proposed? But you do not feel secure and the relationship is stressing you out?

Can you start at the beginning and explain why you are feeling the way you do? Flowers

Redsquirrel5 · 01/11/2021 02:47

I understand I had an awful one and no ring. Been married a long time he just isn’t a romantic man. My best friend has a very romantic husband.
I had a terrible time having first baby he didn’t even think about flowers until he saw several other men lined up at visiting time with bouquets 💐 ( those days you were allowed flowers in hospital).

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 01/11/2021 02:49

@FlowerArranger

there's no mention of any child

OP wrote parent of 5 years which surely is a typo and means Partner

FlowerArranger · 01/11/2021 03:01

[quote ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba]@FlowerArranger

there's no mention of any child

OP wrote parent of 5 years which surely is a typo and means Partner[/quote]
You are probably right, but the gist of my post still stands.

k1233 · 01/11/2021 03:08

I'd be pissed that something given as a birthday present was then repurposed as an engagement ring. How long ago was your 40th?

catwhispererpsps · 01/11/2021 03:17

When was 40th?

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 01/11/2021 03:18

if I understand correctly

  • you've been together 5 year (no mention of child)
  • he gave you a ring previously for your 40th birthday (we don't know how long ago)
  • instead of buying an engagement ring he chose to upcycle your birthday gift and gave it to you a second time to propose with
  • proposed today (ie on Sunday)
  • he hasn't told anyone as far as you know and that makes you feel like he doesn't want to make it official
  • you are upset because he proposed with an item already belonging to you
and it's humiliating, cheap, insincere and wrong

is that it?
if yes then I get why you are crying but not sure if I can put it into words.

as a joke it would've been funny.
one year kids and I wrapped up DH 's watch, belt, sock, wallet, toothbrush, underpants and phone on Christmas Day and the kids gave each "gift" to him as a joke. he laughed at being given his own things back to him, it was obviously a silly prank.
But of course he had actual presents, plus Christmas comes once a year so even if he didn't it's one of many

But to do it seriously? I think it's cruel and out of order.
I'm sorry, but I see it as a red flag for potential gaslighting and emotional abuse.
it's shocking that either he thought this would be ok or he did it on purpose to hurt you.
I know it's easy to say but unless a huge twist is coming this would be it for me.
cut and run. he isn't worth your tears

FliesAreMad · 01/11/2021 03:20

There’s not enough info in your OP to get any idea if you are wrong or not.

Joystir59 · 01/11/2021 03:24

The love of my life proposed by text message. The text made me so happy! It doesn't bode well that you've cried all night over a proposal. A family member recently proposed with a Haribo ring. They too are very happy. When it's right between two people the method of proposal isn't important.

PyongyangKipperbang · 01/11/2021 03:33

It seems that there is a lack of effort that implies underlying issues.

So did he propose in a genuine "I want to be with you for the rest of my life!" way and realised he didnt have a ring....then had a massive brain fart thought of "but she loves this ring and I bought it so it could be our engagement ring!"?

Or was it a "I supposed I'd better propose but I am not forking out for another ring after that one I bought for her birthday" way?

Or "I think she is getting pissed off at my lack of commitment so I'll throw the bone of a propsal but I'll keep putting off having to actually marry her so she doesnt leave" way?

Only you know which is the most likely. The first may be forgivable if you make it clear that using a ring he bought for something else is not ok for you and he accepts his fuck up. Everything else, dump and run.

However, if you are upset just about the ring itself rather than the emotion behind the propsal and that he hasnt immediately posted on SM about it then I think you rather misunderstand what marriage is about.

PyongyangKipperbang · 01/11/2021 03:37

I should add that scenario one is something I could imagine my ex doing. He didnt have a nasty bone in his body and when he proposed it was because he wanted to marry me but I can well imagine his (very practical and pragmatic) brain coming to that ..... practical solution!

Its the same reason I almost got a lawn mower for my 30th birthday (a tale oft told on MN). When asked why...."Because you need a birthday present and we need a new mower". He didnt see the issue.... Hmm

We split for other reasons I should add!

Midlifemusings · 01/11/2021 03:40

An engagement ring is irrelevant. A proposal is about do you want to spend your life with him - not about a piece of jewelry. An engagement ring is just an old tradition and a pretty sexist one at that. You should say yes to marrying him if you love him and think he is a good partner and you want to spend your life with him. If he isn't enough, then say no. If you don't love him for him and you are only marrying him for what he can buy you and you are going to cry all night when he doesn't buy you expensive enough things - then you should not get married.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 01/11/2021 03:58

@Joystir59

friend of ours proposed with a purple plastic ring from a cereal box. later they found a matching blue one so she proposed back🤣

when I was pg with DS5 I read that you are supposed to be given an eternity ring after the first child is born.
I had a fake go at DH for never giving me one so he gave me a washer (the flat ring sometimes used for joining stuff with a bolt or screw) as a token. I laughed.

A few days later he asked me if I'd like one, in all seriousness. so I thought about it and said maybe after our last one is born.
that was 12 years ago, we had 2 more kids, youngest is 7 and it's the first time I thought about it in ages. I've never got an eternity ring but I still have the washer in my bedside table because he wrote "I love you" on it with a red sharpie.

OnyxOryx · 01/11/2021 04:05

When was you 40th birthday? Was that also today or was it earlier?

I'd feel the same as you TBH, even if the birthday was today. It's how he proposed, feels really cheapskate mentioning that there won't be another ring. I don't think I could marry him for that alone.

Did he say anything else? Was there any more to the proposal or was it just like "here's your present, it's an engagement ring, you're not getting another one" ? Because that's really shit. I'd at least want something like "I love you, will you marry me? Heres a ring" and no mention of "that's it, you're not getting anything else" !