AIBU engagement proposal

[Ale24]

AIBU
Please help
I should feel happy but I feel so terrible
My parent of over 5 years proposed to me today, it was awkward and it really felt like he didn’t mean it
He proposed to me with the ring he gave me as my 40th birthday present saying that it is a engagement ring and there is no need to buy new one. I thought it was joke, but it isn’t.
Btw he does have enough money to buy ring.
I feel so worthless and embarrassed 😞
He also didn’t told his friend or family that we engaged.
It’s all feels and looks sad and fake and now I am crying all night
Please tell me if I am wrong 😑

@Ale24

My 40th birthday was over 4 years ago and I wore that ring everyday

This ^ is shocking. Your op may have confused pps but this clarifies.

So basically your marriage-reluctant’D’P took an old piece of your jewellery and re-gifted it to you. And told you this was your engagement ring - and didn’t share the news with anyone else.
Red flags everywhere here.
I’m sorry but this sounds like the tip of the iceberg and I would question his sincerety on your relationship future.
If you do decide to stay, you need to insist he proposes again, properly. Stand firm. Not because you need a new ring but because a new ring will represent his desire to make an effort for you, to commit to your needs and wishes. And then he needs to be sharing the news with family and friends as a representation of his public commitment. Good luck

It sounds like he has major issues around marriage/rings etc. Given this I wonder why he propsed at all - perhaps he thought it was something you want/deserve? But he’s being half-hearted about it which is very unfair to you.

I can see why he hasn’t announced the engagement to everyone yet as clearly you are very uoset and if he knows you at all he’ll have picked up on that.

Pause. Tell him that you’re confused about whether or not he wants to get married and that reusing your ring felt like some kind of statement but you don’t understand what it meant.

Tell him that getting married should be a romantic time when you feel very close and this feel like a bad start.

But before all of that, work out in your heart if you want to marry him. It’s ok to marry an unromantic thoughtless guy (I certainly did!) if you love him anyway.

This isn’t about the lack of a ring IMO. It’s about the message sent out that “you have enough rings, so if you want one just use that one.” Coupled with “do you know how many 1000’s I spent on my ex’s ring?”

That’s what makes the gesture cheap. If he’d suggested that he wanted to marry her but wasn’t sure whether they could afford/whether a ring was the best idea that would be one thing, but he didn’t even suggest that.

When my eXH proposed he actually did so with a ring I already owned, but it was just for the proposal, and then we went out and shopped for rings, as he knew how particular I am and didn’t feel confident buying me one on his own. But that’s an entirely different prospect from taking a ring from 4 years ago and saying that “well, you know that was your birthday present? Now it’s your engagement ring.” Added to which, if they split should she feel obliged to give it back since it’s now her engagement ring?

I would have felt deflated too. I think I would not refer to the engagement again, and decide if I actually saw a future together. If he brought up the engagement, I’d say I thought it was a joke because surely no one would propose with a ring you wear daily and have done for years. Him not telling anyone, taking any romance out of what is essentially a romantic gesture is telling you exactly how he sees you.

I’m sorry but this sounds like the tip of the iceberg and I would question his sincerety on your relationship future

I wouldn't be questioning his commitment to the relationship but to the idea of getting married which he's already said he didn't want. After several years I suspect he's happy with the relationship but has given in on the marriage idea to keep the peace. Sounds more like something he's being pushed into.

It's really not about the ring OP - unless you are using it as a measure if his commitment to you. And if you are, then why? You say you've given your all to him over the last few years has that been reciprocated?

If he'd proposed w a shiny diamond ring would you feel happy now?

People have missed the real significance of He previously was married and I had to listen how much he wanted that marriage and how many 10s and 10s and 10s and 10s of thousands he spend on her ring

This isn't a man who has issues with marriage due to his past, this is a man who is using triangulation. He's saying, 'look OP, I REALLY wanted to marry my ex-wife, and I bought her The Best Ring Ever. But you aren't worth that, so I don't want to marry you, and here, have one of your own rings.'

He's trying (and succeeding, by the looks) to squash your self-esteem and to keep you in a relationship that takes little effort on his part. This is not about you getting marriage as a reward for sticking with him and putting him first when you should have been putting yourself first - but that is what you are thinking it is, and that is why you won't let go.

A PP has mentioned the sunk costs fallacy, and they are right. Please don't continue to make this mistake, just because you've spent a long time making it.

He does not love, care or respect you. This is the best it will ever be. He hasn't told anyone, because he isn't overjoyed, and I highly doubt there will ever be a wedding. If there is, expect it to be as underwhelming as his proposal.

Another PP is right. You really do need to raise your bar. This doesn't mean lecturing and prescribing to him, or 'talking' to him, because I'd bet my life you've talked to him about this sort of thing over and over.

You get what you accept. Non-acceptance of this is walking away to make space for someone who actually loves you.

Been there. Had the doubts. Im divorced. Pull out now!

This isn't a man who has issues with marriage due to his past, this is a man who is using triangulation. He's saying, 'look OP, I REALLY wanted to marry my ex-wife, and I bought her The Best Ring Ever. But you aren't worth that, so I don't want to marry you, and here, have one of your own rings.' Or he's saying the spending thousands on rings and weddings doesn't make a good marriage.

We don't know, maybe the OP does but her views are different to his. I don't have an engagement ring, we had 10 guests at our wedding and all went out to lunch and then got on with our day. Thirty six years later it doesn't seem to have done any harm.

I don’t think marrying him is going to bring you happiness. Have you been married before? Are you financially safe without him?

If he definitely didn’t want to get married what’s changed? Is it a reluctant proposal because he still doesn’t want to do it? Does he think you’ll dump if you’re not engaged?

So… my husband proposed without a ring, on a spur of a moment and he went to Pandora the next day to buy me a £60 promise ring ‘until he saved up for a proper ring’ which I thought was really sweet. I got ‘the proper ring’ a few months later in a very romantic setting.
But to be honest my both proposals were amazing and I think it’s because it felt right and genuine and it wasn’t an afterthought like it seems in op’s situation.
I think what your boyfriend did is awful on so many levels. Yes- it’s not about the ring. It’s about his ‘I don’t give a shit’ attitude, his bragging about how much he’s spent on his ex’s ring yet couldn’t even be bothered to buy you a cheap but new one, how he talked about not wanting to marry but gave in and gave you a half arsed non proposal. I would be too embarrassed to pull a shitty move like this, but he clearly doesn’t care enough.
I don’t believe it’s about him not wanting to spend much money on a ring because he’d been burnt before. He just doesn’t want to marry you very much and therefore showing zero effort. Dump

@Ale24

My 40th birthday was over 4 years ago and I wore that ring everyday

YANBU.

It’s not too late to change your mind.

I think you know if it in some way felt disingenuous. It should have been heartfelt and not awkward. He may be telling you how married life with him will be like. Not at all generous or loving. You need to have a serious chat.

Find something you gave to him for his birthday and re gift it to him for Christmas.

All that matters is, do you want to be married to him?
My husband casually asked “Do you think we should get married this year?” While we were watching TV one night. No ring. No bended knee.
We’re very happily married.

If your gut is telling you that it’s wrong… then it is.
Listen to your gut.

@TasteTheMeatNotTheHeat

If it feels wrong then it is wrong.

I'd give the ring back. Don't settle, OP.

It's her own ring that she's been wearing for 4 years. Why should she give it back?

I saved his life ( his words and not mine) we been through so much last 5 years. I lost hair due to stress, had cancer but always put him first and supported him, hence he said he would be dead by now without me

Have you given more to him and not had your needs met so the ring is symbolic of his lack of meeting your needs?

Why would you put another person first over your essential needs, such as illness?

I suspect you were waiting for him to show you really mean something to him and the proposal felt an enormous let down.

@BigFatLiar

No he didn’t wanted to get married at first at all and always said he will never marry again. He previously was married and I had to listen how much he wanted that marriage and how many 10s and 10s and 10s and 10s of thousands he spend on her ring

Are you surprised at his reluctant proposal? He has a failed marriage which seems to have hit him hard. It had an expensive ring which didn't lead to a long lasting marriage. If you were focussed on marriage and rings from the start rather than the relationship then this was the wrong relationship, he told you early on. Sounds like he wants to keep the relationship and thinks this is the only way. Lots of people have long term partners and are unmarried, many seem to last longer than marriages.

Yes, he may have thought “well I did a romantic proposal and spent a shitload on a ring last time and look how that turned out”.

He says you saved his life and yet he proposed to you with a 4 year old previous present despite having money?
Are you sure he has money and not hidden debts?
He spent thousands on his ex’s ring?
He is not showing to you that he values you, he is taking you for granted.
You put him first even when you had cancer??? Why???

This does not sound good or healthy for you. LEAVE.

I would be upset. Yes I know people saying that it's not the ring that matters, and it isn't. But it'd be nice to feel like he went to some effort, not just giving you a ring he gave you as a birthday present 4 years ago!! Tell him how you feel and that you would like a ring that is just for your engagement. Well, that is if you actually want to still be engaged to him

I think some posters are being very unkind. I don't think it's about the ring necessarily and it's great if you got engaged with a ring made of twine and are very happy, that's wonderful.

Ultimately, I think the problem is the attitude. Who would want to marry someone who proposes with no joy, no excitement, just a heavy sigh and the attitude of "ok, I'll just do it if you want". Who wouldn't find that deflating and upsetting?

2 key things

The day before this happened if someone had asked you “do you want to spend the rest of your life with this person?” Would you have answered YES? If so, then his unarguably crass proposal was regrettable but surely not terminal.

Second, you are far better legally protected if you are married.

I don't think it's worth comparing to past partners. Things change and people change. Maybe his marriage ending showed him that spending tens of thousands on a piece of metal doesn't guarantee happiness.

I think it's worth setting aside your disappointments over proposal style and jewelry and announcements, and thinking about whether you want to spend your life with this man and want that commitment with him. That's what matters. Excitement over a designer engagement ring and fancy party only takes you so far if the relationship is not working. Other things are more fundamental.