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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU engagement proposal

133 replies

Ale24 · 01/11/2021 00:22

AIBU
Please help
I should feel happy but I feel so terrible
My parent of over 5 years proposed to me today, it was awkward and it really felt like he didn’t mean it
He proposed to me with the ring he gave me as my 40th birthday present saying that it is a engagement ring and there is no need to buy new one. I thought it was joke, but it isn’t.
Btw he does have enough money to buy ring.
I feel so worthless and embarrassed 😞
He also didn’t told his friend or family that we engaged.
It’s all feels and looks sad and fake and now I am crying all night
Please tell me if I am wrong 😑

OP posts:
onelittlefrog · 01/11/2021 04:24

An engagement ring is irrelevant. A proposal is about do you want to spend your life with him - not about a piece of jewelry

I agree in principle, but I feel you should either buy someone a proper engagement ring, or not at all.

To give someone a ring they already own and say "this is your engagement ring, you already have a ring so you don't need a new one" is cheap and awful.

I wouldn't marry him!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 01/11/2021 04:52

I think I understand.

He sounds like he just can't be bothered to get you a new ring, he already got you ONE, ffs, why would you want another?!

So he's either tight, or he doesn't think you're worth that much bother.

He's spoilt something that you've obviously been looking forward to, and now your dream proposal has been shit, you're probably wondering what else is likely to be shit with him.

Either that, or he's a thoughtless numbskull who really doesn't understand you very well, despite you having been together 5 years.

I had a similar situation years ago - long term boyfriend got me a ring for my birthday - I had to actually ask him if it was a birthday gift or an engagement ring (how romantic, NOT Hmm) and he said "well, that's what you wanted, isn't it?" So no actual proposal, even. Just a "here's a ring, up to you which finge you put it on".
Funnily enough, that didn't last and we never got married.

Current DH - also no proposal but we decided to get married when I became pregnant with DS1. Also not romantic - but I'm not a big one for romantic gestures, so I'm not that bothered.

I think, as others have said, your biggest issue here is whether your "happiness" at being engaged outweighs your disappointment in terms of how the proposal went - if it doesn't, then fgs don't marry him, it's not going to work out. Do not "make do" with this one, please.

Midlifemusings · 01/11/2021 05:03

@onelittlefrog

Why is it cheap? Why does he have to buy her love? Shouldn't she be marrying him for him? Not for how expensive the jewelry is that he has to hold in front of him when he asks her to marry him. I think the idea that the worth of a man as a husband should be determined by the money spent on a ring he has to hold out and offer. That he isn't enough. She should be excited about marrying him - not thinking that he didn't buy an expensive enough ring so he isn't worth marrying. That is just such a bizarre attitude to have to marriage. What did she give him? What makes her worth marrying if worth is determined by material things?

Shoxfordian · 01/11/2021 05:08

It doesn’t sound as though he’s the man for you op

Don’t marry him

Original poster
Ale24 · 01/11/2021 05:46

Sorry, should say partner of 5 years and not parent.

Yes I said yes, but no wish I didn’t , oh I don’t know

No he didn’t wanted to get married at first at all and always said he will never marry again.
He previously was married and I had to listen how much he wanted that marriage and how many 10s and 10s and 10s and 10s of thousands he spend on her ring

OP posts:
Original poster
Ale24 · 01/11/2021 05:49

I can see your point, but I would rather him giving me a haribo ring but not taking away my old birthday present that I wear everyday as just a ring. What I did for him is a valid question. I saved his life ( his words and not mine) we been through so much last 5 years. I lost hair due to stress, had cancer but always put him first and supported him, hence he said he would be dead by now without me

OP posts:
Original poster
Ale24 · 01/11/2021 05:50

It was a normal ring, that I wear every day

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 01/11/2021 05:52

When was your 40th? He’s up cycled a ring, is that correct? And do you think he just did it to please you?

Original poster
Ale24 · 01/11/2021 06:00

My 40th birthday was over 4 years ago and I wore that ring everyday

OP posts:
DoesHePlayTheFiddle · 01/11/2021 06:07

Have a really good think.

If you love this man and want to marry him, as he is, the ring won't matter.

If you don't feel that way about him, move on.

Briony123 · 01/11/2021 06:10

[quote ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba]@Joystir59

friend of ours proposed with a purple plastic ring from a cereal box. later they found a matching blue one so she proposed back🤣

when I was pg with DS5 I read that you are supposed to be given an eternity ring after the first child is born.
I had a fake go at DH for never giving me one so he gave me a washer (the flat ring sometimes used for joining stuff with a bolt or screw) as a token. I laughed.

A few days later he asked me if I'd like one, in all seriousness. so I thought about it and said maybe after our last one is born.
that was 12 years ago, we had 2 more kids, youngest is 7 and it's the first time I thought about it in ages. I've never got an eternity ring but I still have the washer in my bedside table because he wrote "I love you" on it with a red sharpie.[/quote]
This is lovely :)

Seeleyboo · 01/11/2021 06:31

I was proposed to woth a Haribo ring by my drunk boyfriend. I ate the ring thinking it was funny. We married a few months later and have 2 kids now. If it's right and you're in love, the ring and the proposal is irrelevant.

yoyo1234 · 01/11/2021 06:49

How close was the 40th? Did he want to propose for your 40th and not have the courage?

LibrariesGiveUsPower45321 · 01/11/2021 06:56

Sounds like he’s cheaped out on the ring. Of course rings don’t have to be expensive, but re-giving you a ring you wear every day is pretty rubbish.

Are you actually happy in this relationship? Is he much older than you?

k1233 · 01/11/2021 06:57

The 40th was 4+ years ago @yoyo1234

OP Don't fall for the sunk costs fallacy. You've spent 5 years with him. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with him? Is the ring representative of other stinginess? Does he make you happy or is he draining?

I'd be so offended by a re-gifted present it really wouldn't go down well.

alwayswrighty · 01/11/2021 07:03

I'd be more concerned about He also didn’t told his friend or family that we engaged

Why hasn't he told them?

catwhispererpsps · 01/11/2021 07:10

4 year ago???

Accept the proposal but not the ring.

Sounds as if you give more than you get.

Sexnotgender · 01/11/2021 07:14

That’s very weird to repurpose a 4year old ring that you wear daily.

My husband proposed with a cheapy from Etsy and then we had a ring we chose together made using the stones from my mum’s engagement ring.

girlmom21 · 01/11/2021 07:17

Is this just his way of telling you he wants to marry you, without a big, romantic gesture?

Does it matter that he hasn't told everyone?

Just talk to him about starting to plan if you do want to marry him. People will work it out when they get a wedding invite won't they.

riotlady · 01/11/2021 07:18

Is this out of character for him or is he generally a bit cheap and thoughtless?

My proposal was a bit crap but DH is unrelentingly lovely to me, just not very good when it comes to “big” moments. So I’ve never really minded, because my tank is full from everything else he gives me. If this is the most recent in a long list of him being a bit thoughtless though, I can completely see why you’d be upset.

Hathertonhariden · 01/11/2021 07:19

If you don't wear the ring on your ring finger and don't discuss the engagement with anyone would he notice? What would his reaction be? Has he said why he hasn't mentioned it to anyone?

From here it sounds like he proposed because he felt under pressure from you to do so (if it was family and friends doing so he would have told them). It doesn't sound like he actually wants to get married and your reaction suggests that you have reservations too.

I would carry on as if the engagement hadn't happened and re-evaluate the relationship.

MordredsOrrery · 01/11/2021 07:22

Why were you putting him first when you had cancer?

Currently your relationship sounds very one way and I wonder if the ring is highlighting that this is what you're feeling?

HouseOfFire · 01/11/2021 07:24

@alwayswrighty

I'd be more concerned about He also didn’t told his friend or family that we engaged

Why hasn't he told them?

He's only just proposed?
DeireadhFomhair · 01/11/2021 07:25

You need to talk to him about why you're so upset - if you want to marry him, do, but if you're unsure at all (& I think you are), don't do it.

RicherThanYew · 01/11/2021 07:29

@ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba I loved your post, you and your DP seem to have an excellent sense of humour.