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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU engagement proposal

133 replies

Ale24 · 01/11/2021 00:22

AIBU
Please help
I should feel happy but I feel so terrible
My parent of over 5 years proposed to me today, it was awkward and it really felt like he didn’t mean it
He proposed to me with the ring he gave me as my 40th birthday present saying that it is a engagement ring and there is no need to buy new one. I thought it was joke, but it isn’t.
Btw he does have enough money to buy ring.
I feel so worthless and embarrassed 😞
He also didn’t told his friend or family that we engaged.
It’s all feels and looks sad and fake and now I am crying all night
Please tell me if I am wrong 😑

OP posts:

Devon1987 · 01/11/2021 07:39

You need to raise the bar. I would advise him it’s a no to his proposal. You deserve a new ring even it’s a basic one that’s personal to you.
He sounds lazy and thoughtless.

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 01/11/2021 07:47

Proposing with a ring he bought 4 years ago that you’ve been wearing daily since then after harping on about how much he spent on his ex wife’s ring is not kind

Whydidimarryhim · 01/11/2021 07:51

Maybe he’s a cheap skate - maybe he knows you will accept crumbs from him - maybe you’ve done to much for him and he actually doesn’t respect you - maybe you are co-dependent - looking after others needs to the extent when you don’t look after your own? Look up codependent anonymous and see if you identify with the traits.
What do you do for yourself? Do you work, go out have friends - are you with him but are separate from him with your own identity.

diddl · 01/11/2021 07:59

@Justheretoaskaquestion91

Proposing with a ring he bought 4 years ago that you’ve been wearing daily since then after harping on about how much he spent on his ex wife’s ring is not kind

I agree.

If I had a ring that I loved & wore daily & was asked if I wanted to repurpose as an engagement ring that (imo) is different.

My MIL never had an engagement ring.

I had been married before & both MIL & FIL were incredulous that their son bought me an engagement ring as I had had one before!

thepeopleversuswork · 01/11/2021 08:01

I was prepared to say that you sound over-invested in the trappings of the proposal but its very clear that his heart isn't in this at all.

I would say no, you don't want to marry someone who's going along with it just to keep their partner happy. And raise your own standards.

ancientgran · 01/11/2021 08:04

@alwayswrighty

I'd be more concerned about He also didn’t told his friend or family that we engaged

Why hasn't he told them?

Yes much more significant than a ring.

BigFatLiar · 01/11/2021 08:07

Do you want to marry him.
Tell him how you feel.
Perhaps he doesn't see the point of engagement rings. (Mine was a cheapy out of Argos we got when out shopping, I have costume jewellery that cost more - plus I paid for it)

onelittlefrog · 01/11/2021 08:10

[quote Midlifemusings]@onelittlefrog

Why is it cheap? Why does he have to buy her love? Shouldn't she be marrying him for him? Not for how expensive the jewelry is that he has to hold in front of him when he asks her to marry him. I think the idea that the worth of a man as a husband should be determined by the money spent on a ring he has to hold out and offer. That he isn't enough. She should be excited about marrying him - not thinking that he didn't buy an expensive enough ring so he isn't worth marrying. That is just such a bizarre attitude to have to marriage. What did she give him? What makes her worth marrying if worth is determined by material things?[/quote]
I actually agree with everything you say.

HOWEVER, to offer someone a ring that they already own, that they have had for four years, and say effectively "that's your lot"? That makes it materialistic in itself, and also makes it blatant that he can't be bothered.

That's what is cheap and awful.

Personally I wouldn't be bothered if I didn't get an engagement ring for any of the reasons you say, but if someone brought me my own ring and said "that's enough, you don't need a new one so don't ask" it would be a straight no.

thepeopleversuswork · 01/11/2021 08:11

@BigFatLiar

Do you want to marry him. Tell him how you feel. Perhaps he doesn't see the point of engagement rings. (Mine was a cheapy out of Argos we got when out shopping, I have costume jewellery that cost more - plus I paid for it)

It's not really about the ring though is it?

I hate engagement rings and think the money people spend on them is absolutely nuts. But I'd want to think that anyone who asked me to marry them would actually want me to marry them rather than just do it with bad grace to shut me up. And I sure as hell wouldn't marry someone who proposed like this.

Suddenlyfamily5 · 01/11/2021 08:11

I wonder if he deliberately kept it low key to be as different as possible from the time before; clearly the £1000s spent on his ex’s ring didn’t bring happiness.

Nevertheless, you need to speak to him and let him know how you feel.

RobertsRadio · 01/11/2021 08:12

Well, do you Want to be married to the bloke? Surely that is the most important question, if so then tell him you want a proper engagement ring. It sounds like you are questioning your relationship, not the absence of a ring.

Milliepossum · 01/11/2021 08:12

It almost sounds like he is getting revenge on his ex by taunting you with how much hers cost and expecting you to reuse an existing ring. As if he wished he hadn’t bothered with a ring for her. This makes me feel unsettled. He isn’t making you feel special which is an awful thing to do to you, like you don’t deserve to be happy or even acknowledged.

VeganCheesePlease · 01/11/2021 08:13

Are you really happy with him, OP?
When DH proposed to me, he used a small promise ring and as it was nearly Christmas, I got my proper engagement ring on Christmas eve but I wouldn't have minded just having the promise ring. It's a very small ring too, I didn't want a super expensive ring.
DH's best friend proposed to his wife with a Haribo ring! He did get her an actual engagement ring after but its a funny story they always have now.
Maybe this is about more than a ring? Do you feel that he's just neglected to do a proper proposal for you, or somewhere deep down are you having second thoughts?

onelittlefrog · 01/11/2021 08:14

@Midlifemusings It's also the presumption that he gets to repurpose her property. It's not OK for him to take her ring and decide himself that it's now and engagement ring. It's not his.

It actually stinks of a controlling nature to be honest.

BigFatLiar · 01/11/2021 08:19

It's not really about the ring though is it?

Perhaps he doesn't want to get married and is happy with the status quo (they've been together 5 years) not everyone sees the need. Maybe he proposed because he felt he had to. We have no idea about the background. Maybe she's been on at him about getting married and he sees it a a way to keep the peace. He may not be enthusiastic about it but at the same time he may not be actually opposed.

thepeopleversuswork · 01/11/2021 08:22

@BigFatLiar

Quite: the scenario you've just described seems very plausible. All the more reason for the OP to decline a very half-arsed and grudging marriage proposal. Its hard to imagine life improving being married to someone with this outlook on marriage.

Maskless · 01/11/2021 08:24

Talk to him about it.

jackstini · 01/11/2021 08:24

YANBU
That was a thoughtless thing for him to do, a bit mean really
Do you still want to be with him?

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/11/2021 08:27

I agree with people saying it’s controlling to repurpose your property and especially unkind when he harps on about how much he spent on his ex’s ring.

Both of these actions suggest perhaps that he doesn’t see you as a fully fledged person. If this is the case, that would make you his property, his support animal and woman to fuck.

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/11/2021 08:29

Posted too soon - All women, I mean. Not just you. Women as objects. In saying he bought a ring for the last ‘woman object’ and look how that turned out. ‘Women objects’ aren’t grateful for what they get. And you ‘woman object’ have had your quota of rings.

CoffeeAndKittens · 01/11/2021 08:32

If his proposal had been better (ring, flowers, down on one knee, basically whatever your dream proposal would have been), would you have said yes enthusiastically thinking how perfect he was and how happy you were to marry him? If so, I wouldn't worry about the fact he is rubbish at proposals. For example, mine was rubbish, but my husband did it on the spur of the moment out of the blue because of a thought that popped into his head at the time and I love him so much and he is pretty much perfect in every other way that there was no doubt in my mind, despite the rather uninspired proposal!

If your partner is usually thoughtful and generally considerate and lovely, I'd sit him down and tell him how disappointed you feel. His reaction and consequent answer would tell me all I needed as to where he stood on the relationship.

AudTheDeepMinded · 01/11/2021 08:35

Tight git! I know it's not all about an expensive ring but that is just taking the piss. Mine was a vintage (secondhand!) ring hat was a couple of hundred quid, but he chose it and put thought into what style I liked tec. And how embarrassing when everyone asks to see it! I'd probably recruit friends and family to tease the hell out of him (but the original action can't be undone can't it?). You are right to feel hurt.

BigFatLiar · 01/11/2021 08:39

No he didn’t wanted to get married at first at all and always said he will never marry again.
He previously was married and I had to listen how much he wanted that marriage and how many 10s and 10s and 10s and 10s of thousands he spend on her ring

Are you surprised at his reluctant proposal? He has a failed marriage which seems to have hit him hard. It had an expensive ring which didn't lead to a long lasting marriage. If you were focussed on marriage and rings from the start rather than the relationship then this was the wrong relationship, he told you early on. Sounds like he wants to keep the relationship and thinks this is the only way. Lots of people have long term partners and are unmarried, many seem to last longer than marriages.

TasteTheMeatNotTheHeat · 01/11/2021 08:41

If it feels wrong then it is wrong.

I'd give the ring back. Don't settle, OP.

NowEvenBetter · 01/11/2021 08:44

Do you want to get married to him or not? If you actually do, you’re going to look back on your behaviour and be so embarrassed. If not, dump him.

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