AIBU engagement proposal

[Ale24]

AIBU
Please help
I should feel happy but I feel so terrible
My parent of over 5 years proposed to me today, it was awkward and it really felt like he didn’t mean it
He proposed to me with the ring he gave me as my 40th birthday present saying that it is a engagement ring and there is no need to buy new one. I thought it was joke, but it isn’t.
Btw he does have enough money to buy ring.
I feel so worthless and embarrassed 😞
He also didn’t told his friend or family that we engaged.
It’s all feels and looks sad and fake and now I am crying all night
Please tell me if I am wrong 😑

I agree with "are you sure he's got the money for it?" It's not a normal thing to do.

The stories of people proposing with joke rings/haribo rings are missing the point here, because that was clearly a token ring, most likely replaced with a proper one. This is a ring OP was given 4 years ago for a significant birthday, that she's been wearing every day, for years, so it's not the same.

I don't like the "you don't get what a marriage is about if a ring is important to you"... it's very holier than thou. Just because a ring/proposal didn't matter to you, doesn't mean it doesn't matter to everyone. I'm married (twice) and both times it's been a mutual discussion, and whilst I love DH, it does make me sad that I've never had, and never will now, have a lovely romantic proposal. It's through no one's fault, it's just the way things happened. I'm a very romantic person and it would have meant the world to me. It doesn't change the meaning or validity of my marriage, but this doesn't mean therefore it's irrelevant or unimportant.

If you're this unhappy now, when most are on cloud nine at this stage, it doesn't bode too well for your future together, does it?

I think for one have a long serious think about what it is you are upset about. Is it that you missed the Instagram moment of a big gesture, or is it that you don't want to marry him, or do you feel a bit second to his first wife.
I'm never been particularly sold on the idea that the woman waits around to be proposed to and be presented with the ring. Its a bit too Jane Austin. An engagement, or intention to marry, is very much a joint decision that should be discussed and agreed on. As for the ring, you have to look at it on your hand for (hopefully) the rest of your life, so its important that you have something you love that you can look at with happy memories.
I think, after a bit of thinking, you need to take charge and have the talk. Tell him this isn't an engagement ring, you are going shopping for something suitable, buy him a good watch as a token too, which equates to the same portion of your income as the ring to his, and start the rest of your relationship on a more even footing.

Ah, sorry OP, I just saw your updates.

I'd be really pissed off. He goes on and on about how much he wanted to get married with his ex wife and the tens of thousands he spent on her ring.

Then tells you, he doesn't want to get married, but sort of will now out of acknowledgement to how you've stuck by him. So just use a ring you've already got.

That's not ok. He's saying, look how I treat someone I do want to marry, now see how I treat you.

He's doing it because he thinks you'll be off if he doesn't. Not because he wants too. So you should be accepting of the zero effort, bargain basement treatment, because you should be happy that he's graced you with a marriage at all.

Out of interest, is your 40th ring, a "tens of thousands" ring, as in, he thinks you've got "the ring" already, from a time when marriage wasn't on the cards for him. Now it is on the cards, he thinks of it as the important ring?

If it's more of a token/costume ring, then he's being a dick trying to take it back to reuse as an engagement ring. Because clearly he can buy a proper one for someone he wants too.

Your reaction shows you shouldn’t be marrying him. You shouldn’t feel how you feel getting engaged. You can’t speak to him - you cried all night rather than discussing.
You obviously wanted the proposal and ring. If he doesn’t know that about you after 5 years then there’s no hope.
I didn’t have an engagement ring or proposal. Just a discussion. But neither of us were type for that and 20 years later no regrets. If he’d spent £1000 on a ring and done a public proposal I’d have hated it and it would have shown me he did know me.

Just be honest and tell him you’re disappointed he used your 40th birthday ring to propose with. Do you think he may buy you one for Christmas?

My proposal was. When are we gonna get engaged etc. He said we'll we have a kid so it's like where engaged. I said OK when we getting married. He said whenever. This was the Jan (2011) I arranged the wedding for August.

@Ale24

My 40th birthday was over 4 years ago and I wore that ring everyday

Nah that's not good enough. It's the thought that counts and he's put zero thought or effort into this, other than thinking how he can avoid spending money on this and ensure you know he doesn't think you're worth an engagement ring so won't ask for one. So his proposal was "suppose we can get married since it's what you want, you're not getting a ring though". Sorry but it all shows his true character, which is selfish. No way would I marry him. The way he's gone about this proposal, it's an insult. I couldn't marry someone who's effectively just told me I'm not worth a ring, when it'd cause him no financial hardship. Just no.

I'm seeing red flags too about the saving his life thing. What was he doing or what state was he in that was so bad he needed someone to "save" him? What measures was he taking, help he sought out for himself, to fix his own problems? He sounds like he's hard work as a person. Possibly this relationship doesn't have a healthy dynamic.

Have you been unhappy in the relationship so far? Were you thinking at all about the possibility of splitting up? They sense this. I'm wondering if this proposal is to counteract you leaving. I'm also wondering if he has any intention of getting married or if this is just to shut you up and 5 years more everything will still be exactly the same with no wedding on the horizon.

By the way, I'm not money grabbing or high maintenance, a joke haribo ring or a discussion about it would be fine. But someone making sure I know I'm not worth a ring and accept that at the proposal? Fuck that shit. Feels like negging.

This guy sucks. You deserve more than this.

@OnyxOryx

By the way, I'm not money grabbing or high maintenance, a joke haribo ring or a discussion about it would be fine. But someone making sure I know I'm not worth a ring and accept that at the proposal? Fuck that shit. Feels like negging.

Exactly this. I'd love the spontaneity and silliness and memory of a haribo proposal.

He's made a point of letting her know what he spent on his first wife's ring, let her know he could do the same financially, no problem. Then said we can get married, but I won't be getting a ring, use something out of your jewellery box.

I've just realised why you're not talking to him about this OP. It's because he's told you how to feel, so you don't feel like you can say anything and possibly why you accepted the proposal. His comment of "you don't need another ring" is telling you how to feel. How does he know you don't need another ring? He's not you and he didn't ask you for your opinion. Why does he think it's ok for him to decide what you need? (It's not). It's the same as if he'd said "you're not allowed to be annoyed, upset or disappointed about this". I agree with a PP, he's controlling.

I think the disappointment over the ring is a distraction. You're upset because you don't feel he's really enthusiastic about the proposal. And I can't disagree; he spent a fortune on his first wife's ring while you got nothing. This combined with no announcement is a kick in the teeth.

You've been together a significant amount of time. Do you feel your relationship is inferior to the one he had with his ex? I understand that and assuming it would feel differently if he proposed but then it was such a half hearted proposal you still feel short-changed.

I think you need an honest talk to him about whether he actually wants to get married or is just trying to please you. Put your cards on the table and tell him you need reassurance that you're his no.1. You need an honest think about whether or not this relationship really makes you happy, the relationship you have, not the one you wish you had with him or the one you think he had with his ex.

I think the disappointment over the ring is a distraction. You're upset because you don't feel he's really enthusiastic about the proposal. And I can't disagree; he spent a fortune on his first wife's ring while you got nothing. This combined with no announcement is a kick in the teeth.

I viewed this differently. Yes he spent a ridiculous amount of money on wife #1 and now they're divorced.

Maybe he's realised you can't buy happiness and hes trying to compromise as he doesn't want to marry and OP does, so he'd rather do it low key instead of chucking loads of money at a grand affair?

I think this needs a proper conversation.

You put him first all the time? Even ahead of being treated for cancer? And he talks to you like this as a proposal?

No, OP. You can do so much better than this. This isn't about the proposal, this is about the way he's got you putting him first always. When does he put you first? And why do you think you shouldn't be first when you're being treated for cancer? He sounds awful and if this is what it takes to make you think you should walk away that may not be a bad thing.

Maybe he's realised you can't buy happiness and hes trying to compromise as he doesn't want to marry and OP does, so he'd rather do it low key instead of chucking loads of money at a grand affair?

If that's it, he appears to be keeping his epiphany to himself.

That's not ok. He's saying, look how I treat someone I do want to marry, now see how I treat you.

He didn't want to get married, he said that.

No, I get last time I invested all this effort and money and it all went to pot, not doing that again. He said he didn't want to get married if OP feels its that important she should have dropped the relationship then. Sounds to me like he's just doing it to stop it being an ongoing bone of contention.

I don't want to get married, but I suppose I owe you something. Use one of your own rings as an engagement ring. I won't be announcing we're engaged.

Oh, I really wanted to marry my ex wife. I spent thousands and thousands on her ring.

The more you read that over, the more you realise how nasty he is. He's offering you crumbs and making out that you're a bad person if you expect anything more, whilst making very sure he tells you tales of the effort he went to for someone else. He's actually really nasty OP.

Op I am with dh number 4...if it doesn't feel right get the heck out of there....
Ime it really will save a whole load of stress. And money!

Nah, using a ring he bought you a few years back as an engagement ring is downright bloody weird!

Unless he followed it with an explanation that he proposed on the spur of the moment and of course he'll buy you a 'proper' engagement ring now.

Otherwise, I'd tell him to shove his proposal up his arse. But I don't suffer fools gladly.

Well , thank you all ever so much! You picked up on some things without me actually saying them, so thank you. I talked to Him next morning and it went down like a led balloon. I said pretty much what you said. Explained how much I love him and how upset I am…. And honestly he still thinks it’s ok. For the last few days he keep referring it as a joke “ I gave free ring but she still not happy” and I keep saying, “ no the gesture and delivery isn’t good enough and yes you need to rectify it” but it all been laughed out as silly joke 😑

Wow. "I gave you a free ring and you're still not happy".

That's one nasty way to to twist "I'm not telling anyone we're engaged and you have to use jewellery from your birthday four years ago as your engagement ring, while listening to me go on and on about the fabulous ring that was tens of thousands that I happily bought my ex wife"

This is far bigger than not getting you a ring.

Sorry it should read “ I gave her ( NOT FREE) a ring and she still not happy”
My brains obviously well over the place

So what do you feel like you want to do now?

Why are you being sarcastic on Mn? You came for advice got it, used it and now it’s everyone else fault that the thoughtless man who can’t be bothered to give you a ring?